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Can't Take No More

[Meanwhile, back at the Convention...]

Intro Guy: "OK ladies and gentlemen, here they are..."

Chris: Jezuss, here we go again.

Frank: I hear that.

Intro Guy: "...the folks we have to thank for almost ten years of the best television ever..."

Kim: Yeah, yeah, alright already!

Gillian: Sshh! you'll start me giggling!

Intro Guy: "...the people who singlehandedly made TV worth watching again..."

David: Hi, I'm an Intro Guy, I'm retarded...

Gillian: Shhhhhhhh, Dave! Kerist!

Intro Guy: "...I give to you, devoted fans, on this sacred occasion..."

Chris: What, are we getting married...?

Gillian: *snork*

Intro Guy: "...The cast and crew of The X-Files!"

[The crowd roars, but there is lots of booing too]

David: Assholes.

Rob: Let the trial begin...

[They file onto the stage and take their places at the table]

Chris: "Hi everybody, it's great to be here again, it's good to see so many loyal fans, and-"

[He hastily ducks as a half-full Evian bottle whistles past his head]

John: Whoa, their aim is definitely better this year!

Gillian: Why don't they ever throw Chardonnay?

Intro Guy: "Please, folks, can we not throw stuff?"

A Fan: "Why aren't Scully and Mulder married yet, Carter, you scumbag?"

David: Yeah, Carter, you scumbag, how come?

Gillian: *snork*

Chris Carter: "Uh, well, the show has never been-"

A Fan: "You've ruined the show!"

A Fan: "Why isn't John Doggett here?"

Kim: Maybe because he's a fictional character, you dickhead!

Gillian: *snork*

John: "Um, I'll field that one, Robert sends his apologies, as does Annabeth, but work commitments prevent them from attending today."

Frank: More like nobody would insure them..

Rob: I heard bin Laden is after them too...

Gillian: *snork*

Chris: "I know there has been some resistance to some of the changes we've made on the show recently, but-"

A Fan: "I'm gonna tear your fucking heart out, Carter!"

Kim: He has one?

Vince: *snork*

A Fan: "Why won't you just be honest and tell the World that William is the result of the beautiful love that Scully and Mulder have for each other?"

Gillian: Oh, brother...

David: It's true Scully, we have a beautiful love...

Gillian: *snork*

A Fan: "Agent Scully, how do you like motherhood?"

Gillian: "I'm sorry, Agent Scully couldn't make it here tonight, so she asked me to stand-in for her."

A Fan: "Oh...?"

A Fan: "You're gonna burn in hell, Carter!"

Chris: Too late.

David: *snork*

Intro Guy: "Um, people, can we try and keep the questions sensible?"

John: Wrong convention, buddy.

Chris: *snork*

A Fan: "Why isn't Darin Morgan writing on the show anymore?"

A Fan: "Yeah!"

Frank: "Darin is a great friend of all of us and is responsible for some of the show's finest moments, but he has other things going in his life right now, so-"

A Fan: "Booooooo!"

A Fan: "You all totally fucking suck! Uh, well, not you Gillian and David, we love you, but the rest of you really fucking suck!"

David: "Thank you, the support is appreciated, even from somebody as ugly as you."

A Fan: "Uh...?"

Gillian: "Have you considered cosmetic surgery? I know a really great plastic surgeon, if you're interested."

Frank: *snork*

Chris: Jeezus, knock it off you guys!

Rob: Why? They're assholes! I say we nuke the bastards!

Chris: What, are you shitting me?

John: Hey, what the hell, FOX is gonna can us anyhow!

A Fan: "Carter, how can you sleep at night, knowing how you've stabbed us all in the back?"

[The Cast and Crew look at Chris. He blinks]

Chris: "Well, mainly because I have a really nice bed on account of all the money I've made out of dumbass suckers like you."

Rob: *snork*

A Fan: "What the f-?"

John: "And I'd just like to say that you would have to be the biggest bunch of losers I've seen in all my years at these things. Thank you."

Kim: "I second that."

A Fan: "Hey! You can't-"

Rob: "Actually, you know, Vince Gilligan wanted to be here too, but he couldn't make it since he lost a bet, and now he's busy trying to come up with a script that incorporates desperate no-life fans in the storyline."

Frank: "We'll probably call it Night of the Never Living Dead or something."

Chris: *snork*

John: "Also, the reason the stories have sucked so much recently is because we've been secretly using the fanfic that we receive. Our writers have been using the budget money we save by doing this on hookers and booze."

David: *snork*

Intro Guy: "Uh, I think-"

A Fan: "Bring back Mulder, you bastards!"

Chris: "Ah, the hell with this fucking shit!"

[He stands and hurls his chair into the crowd. The others leap up and heave the tables off the stage, and then launch themselves into the audience, fists flying.]

Intro Guy: "Holy fucking shit...!"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

duane_barry@altavista.net