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'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The X was taped to the window with care,
In hopes that The Man soon would be there.

Scully and I, Shturmie were nestled snug in our bed,
While visions of babies danced in our heads;
And Fowley in her apartment with That Guy did talk crap
Addling their brains about another UFO 'flap'-

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And on the stupid chair my foot I did bash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday to objects below;
When what with my wondering eyes should I see,
But an Alien Hitman and a whole bunch of bees.

With a little old stiletto, so lively and quick,
Which he deftly flicked open with a resounding click.
More rapid than gunshots his footsteps they came,
And he whispered, then shouted, and called out our names:

"Now Scully! now, Shturmie! now, don't run away!
You've ruined our plans so it's now time to pay!
Long have I waited! Far have I come!
Now prepare to die, you damn human scum!"

Of such interstellar evilness, did this all sound
That our poor little hearts did quick begin to pound;
So don our overcoats did Scully and I do
With the car full of gas, our salvation we knew.

But then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The pounding and clumping of that killers great hoof-
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney that Bounty Hunter did bound.

He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of keys he had flung on the table,
Remember my car keys to take if I'm able.

His brow - how it wrinkled; his jawline, how big!
His hands were like vises, his nose like a pig!
His cruel little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And the breath from his mouth smelled of Budweiser beer;

The stump of an arm he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and feet that were smelly
That look, when he laughed, turned Scully's little legs to jelly.

He was scary and ugly, and on he did come,
But I laughed when I saw him, which was pretty dumb;
A glare of his eye and a twist of my head
Soon gave me to know that soon I'd be dead;

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And grabbed Scully's head; then turned with a jerk,
For before he could kill her,
A trap I did spring, with which to save her;

He sprang to his feet, ready to fight,
And a kick to his groin, I placed with all my might.
As he fell over I heard him exclaim,
"Oh for chrissakes, not in the n**s again!"

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

1999

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