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Fight the Future
One day, Special Agent That Guy of the Federal Bureau of Investigation took early retirement and published his memoirs. Nobody noticed. Soon after, Dana Scully, also formerly of the FBI, published her own memoirs. They were a sensation, taking the whole world by storm. Tough questions were asked, regimes collapsed, heads rolled in high places, the mighty were fallen and, inevitably, Hollywood came knocking...
THE X-FILES
A Shturmovik[KGB] Film
Written and Directed by Shturmovik[KGB]
Starring:
Gwynth Paltrow as Special Agent Dana Scully
Mike Myers as Special Agent That Guy
Patrick Stewart as Assistant Director Walter Skinner
Sir Anthony Hopkins as The Cancer Man
Sir Ian Holm as Deep Throat
Will Smith as X
Al Pacino as The Well Manicured Man
George Wendt as The Fat Man
Robert DeNiro as The Angry Nutjob
Woody Allen as The Alien Bounty Hunter
Jean Claude Van Damme as Frohike
Dolph Lundgren as Langley
Sylvester Stallone as Byers
Joan Rivers as The Hideous Alien Killer Mutant
and Shturmovik[KGB] as Himself
Casting by Allan Smithee
SCENE ONE:
Northern Texas, a real long time ago. Two cavemen, played by Woody Harrelson and Alan Alda, are running through the snow. They enter a cave. Luckily, they have lighted torches...
Caveman 1: "Uuurrggh!"
Caveman 2: "Uuurrggh?" (with feeling)
Caveman 1: "Urrgghh! Urrgghhh!"
Caveman 2: "Urrgghhh urrgghh, urrgh!"
Caveman 1: "Uuuuuuuurrrrrgggggghhhhhh?" (he sounds really stoned)
Caveman 2: "Uuurrgghh..." (with a gentle sigh)
[A disgusting monstrosity, looking a lot like Joan Rivers, leaps up and rips
out the throat of Caveman 2. It sounds just like Joan Rivers too...]
Caveman 2: "Uuurrggurgle...!" (with real feeling)
[Caveman 1 struggles valiantly with the creature]
Caveman 1: "UUUURRRGGGHHHHHH!"
[He kills it. Black oil seeps from the corpse]
Caveman 1: "Ugh...?"
[It travels up his body just beneath the upper layers of his skin, and pools
in his eyeballs]
Caveman 1: "Far out..."
SCENE TWO:
Northern Texas Suburb, present day. Four young boys are ruining their fathers brand-new and much cherished gardening implements by digging up really, really huge rocks and stuff from the ground near their homes. They are really gonna get it from their dads. Oh, and one of them falls into a cave, too...]
Kid 1: "Stayvie, arr yu OK?"
Kid 2: "Ar gart thu win' knarked ayowt of may!"
Kid 1: "Wharts dayown thayar Stavie?"
Kid 2: "It's a cave!"
Kid 3: "Wayell, duh!"
Kid 2: "Hey, look whart ar fayownd!"
Kid 4: "Whart is it Stayvie?"
Kid 2: "It's a skull, a human skull!"
Kid 1: "Tars it up hayar Stayvie."
Kid 2: "No way buttwarrp, this is marn!"
[Suddenly, a pool of black oil forms in the dirt around Stayvie- sorry, Stevies
- shoes]
Kid 1: "Hey Stayvie, arr yu OK dude?"
[The black oil travels up his body - yada, yada, yada]
Kid 3: "Hey mayan, let's git aowta hayar!"
Kid 4: "Oh no, is thayat pop over thayar?"
The Angry Nutjob: "Did I say you could play with my stuff? Did I say you could play with my f**king stuff? Did I? Did I say you could play with my stuff? Motherf-! Did I say to you, at any time, that you could play with my f**king stuff..."
SCENE THREE:
Firetrucks. Firefighters. Cool! Lots of guys running around with ladders and stuff and radios crackling excitingly. Oh, those were the days...Ahem, anyways, the cavalry has arrived, led by the Fire Chief who is played by a really cool character actor that always gets to play neat parts but whose name I can never remember. It's not John Travolta. Whatever...
Fire Chief: "OK, we're gownna nayeed ar 15 foot laydder! Tex, Hank, git
down in that thar hole!" (well, they weren't really called...never mind)
[The men go down, the Fire Chief loses contact with them, he sends some more
down, he loses contact with them too. Then an army Huey flys in and lands and
a whole bunch of white truck and trailer rigs turn up. It looks kind of like
a stock car meet. A bunch of guys in funny-looking protective suits, carrying
a funny-looking incubator-type thing, leap out of the helicopter and head down
into the hole. They then emerge with Stay- Stevie, in the box thing, jump back
into the helicopter, and fly away. The Fire Chief, who's been given pitifully
few lines, decides to repeat them over and over again, just to make it all worth
his time]
Fire Chief: "Whart abayowt ma men? Hey, whart abayowt ma men? Whart abayowt
ma men? Hey, whart...?"
[In the background, a weasely-looking government lackey looks even more weasely
than usual. That's because he's shit-scared. He calls someone on his mobile
'phone]
Brontosaurus: "Sir? It's Brontosaurus. You know that situation we never
thought we'd have to plan for? Well, we better come up with a plan...!"
Fire Chief: "Hey, whart abayowt ma men? Whart abayowt ma men...?"
SCENE FOUR:
The top of a Dallas office building. It's real hot. The waves of heat make the city look like it's underwater. A helicopter flies by as SAC Darius Myshow peers at the rooftop of another office block where two people can be seen walking around. He is approached by an Agent]
An Agent: "We've searched the whole building sir, it's clean!"
SAC Darius Myshow: "I don't care if it's clean! What, are you from Good Housekeeping or something? You're supposed to be looking for a bomb!"
An Agent: "No sir, sorry, I mean we didn't find any bomb. That was just an expression, you know, we...sometimes...use..."
SAC Darius Myshow: "What was? We didn't find any bomb is an expression? What, does that mean the building is clean? You're an idiot!"
An Agent: "No...no, sir, I meant, um, that there's no bomb in the building. We used dogs and everything."
SAC Darius Myshow: "Huh? You used dogs for what? Is that another expression, son?"
An Agent: "Well...uh, no sir...um, I mean we searched with dogs. The building. For the bomb. But, there wasn't one. A bomb I mean..."
SAC Darius Myshow: "Well then, search it again! How come I get all the stupid Agents?" (shakes his head sadly)
[He turns back to face the other building. He can no longer see the people on
it.
The scene shifts to the roof of the other building. The fabulously gorgeous
Special Agent Dana Scully of the FBI, played by someone who really doesn't even
come close to doing her justice, is walking around amongst the catwalks and
service ducts on on the roof, talking into her mobile 'phone]
Dana Scully: "That Guy, I really don't see why we are searching this building
when all the others are over there. We always miss out on everything! I'm really
sick of this. I'm hot, and my feet hurt. These shoes cost me sooo much money
and I know they're going to be ruined soon! This is so typical of you! That
Guy? I know you can hear me! Don't ignore me! If you don't speak soon, I'm going
to cry. I'll tell all our friends about how terribly you treat me and-"
[As she begins to cry and feel even more sorry for herself, a shot rings out
from somewhere nearby. Then, the film jerks, as if something was hastily and
roughly editted out. We then see Dana Scully again, only it's not Gwynth Paltrow
anymore, it's the fabulously gorgeous actress Gillian Anderson. She almost
does her character justice. Almost.]
Dana Scully: "That Guy? Where are you?"
[Suddenly, That Guy leaps out from a doorway]
That Guy: "Boo!"
[Instinctively, and with lightning reflexes, Scully grabs his wrist and twists
hard, sending That Guy tumbling head-first down a short flight of stairs]
That Guy: "Oww, Jezuss, what'd you do that for?!"
Dana Scully: "Well don't be such an idiot! Sneaking up on me! I'm a highly trained FBI agent for Pete's sake! You know That Guy, sometimes I wonder why I've stuck by you all these years..."
That Guy: "Ow. Ow ow ow. I think I've sprained my back!"
Dana Scully: "Good. You're just damned lucky Shturmie wasn't here...!"
That Guy: "Mmmm. What are we doing up here Scully, it's hotter than hell?"
Dana Scully: "You tell me, this was your idea. You were the one who got lost and wouldn't stop and ask for directions."
That Guy: "Can I help it if all these buildings look the same?"
Dana Scully: "No, That Guy, you can't read. The lettering on this building must be four feet tall."
[They approach the fire exit door. That Guy grabs a door handle but it won't
budge]
That Guy: "Now what do we do?"
Scully: "It's locked?" (concerned expression)
[She reaches for the door handle and pulls. It opens easily. In one motion,
she turns and jabs him sharply and firmly in the stomach with one perfectly
formed fist]
That Guy: "Ooof!"
Dana Scully: "Don't dick me around! How many times do I have to tell you? God, you're such a jerk!"
That Guy: "It was just a joke..." (feebly)
Dana Scully: "Well, I need a drink. You're buying."
That Guy: "Well, OK..."
[The scene shifts to the lobby of the building. It's pretty swanky, as office-type
buildings go, and is full of people and some security guards]
Dana Scully: "I suppose you secretly believe you had me with that stupid
door trick up there, huh?"
That Guy: "Um, well..."
Dana Scully: "I knew it...what makes you think you could ever outsmart me, That Guy?"
That Guy: "Well, you did have that look on your face."
Dana Scully: "What look?" (ominously)
That Guy: "You know - that look. The one you make whenever I do something stupid."
Dana Scully: "You mean this look?" (pulls a 'disgusted' face)
That Guy: "No. More like that one, you know, when you're really angry, like when you're about to hit me."
Dana Scully: "Shut up That Guy. Get me a drink."
That Guy: "Yes maam."
[That Guy heads off along a service hallway. Out in the lobby, the security
guards are staring at Scully. She turns and catches them doing it. She gives
them 'that look'. They hastily return to their work, trying to pretend they
weren't perving at her.
Meanwhile, That Guy has managed, miraculously, to locate a drink vending machine.
There are three in the room. He chooses the one that doesn't work. He is a moron.
While futilely trying to shake a drink out of it (duh!) he notices that the
machine isn't plugged into the wall socket. But the lights are on. Hmmm. His
tiny brain starts humming feverishly. He heads for the door, but discovers he
has locked himself in. Doh!]
Dana Scully: "Scully."
That Guy: "Scully, you know that face I make, you know, when I've done something stupid and I know you're gonna kick my ass for it? Well I'm making it now."
Dana Scully: "That Guy, where are you? And where's my drink?"
That Guy: "I think I've found that bomb, Scully!"
Dana Scully: "Oh my God, it's in a drinks vending machine! They planned to blow up this building all along to hide the evidence of some dastardly project that has gone terribly wrong! And I bet one of our superiors is in on it!"
That Guy: "Uh...huh?"
Dana Scully: "Don't worry That Guy, I'll explain it to you one day..."
[She reaches the door to the room That Guy has accidentally locked himself into]
Dana Scully: "Don't worry That Guy, I'm going to get you out of there.
Again."
[She races back to the lobby and approaches the security guards]
Dana Scully: "I want this building evacuated immediately! Don't think,
do it! And stop staring at my tits!"
[The scene fades to the doorway outside the vending machine room. A crowd has
formed, comprised of Scully, SAC Darius Myshow, some bomb squad dudes, other
FBI guys and Albert, the buildings 77 y/o janitor]
Dana Scully: "Hang on That Guy, where going to get you out of there!"
That Guy: "I wan't my mommy...!"
SAC Darius Myshow: "Can you get him out of there? I've got a grenade launcher if you can't."
Albert: "Just a second, just a second, I got a key here someplace. Dang, now which one of these is it...?"
SAC Darius Myshow: "Come on old man, there's no time for this!"
Albert: "Now you just shut the hell up sonny boy. In WW2 I killed better people than you. Dang government'll give anybody a badge and a gun now..."
[SAC Myshow turns beet red and the bomb squad dudes and the FBI guys all turn
away, but SAC Myshow knows they are laughing at him]
Albert: "Now, let's see, maybe this one..."
[It's the correct key. He opens the door. Inside, That Guy is quietly weeping.
They all look at him, disgusted. Scully, wonderful person that she is, gives
him a big hug and comforts him]
Dana Scully: "There, there, That Guy, it's all right now."
[The other men look on enviously, all except Albert, who's beyond that kind
of thing now]
Albert: "Yessir. Like I said. They'll take just about anybody now..."
[He leaves the room, muttering quietly to himself. Everyone then turns, and
sees that That Guy has pulled the front off of the vending machine. He hoped
there might have been drinks inside. Instead, all they can see if a humungous
bomb. The room becomes very still]
SAC Darius Myshow: "OK, now, I don't want any arguing here, I want everybody
out, I'm going to..."
[He looks around. Everybody is already gone]
That Guy: "Come on Scully, there's the car, we have to get out of here!"
Dana Scully: "No That Guy, something is wrong! My God! It's Myshow!"
That Guy: "Huh? What are you-"
Dana Scully: "It's Myshow, That Guy, he's the one! He put that bomb there, and now he's going to let it explode!"
That Guy: "Get outta town! Him? No way! Let's go Scully, I don't wanna die! It's too late!"
[They leap into a waiting police cruiser and do warp factor nine, but the building
explodes with an earth-shattering blast, lifting their car into the air and
showering them with debris]
That Guy: "Ow...! I think I'm dying!"
Dana Scully: "Shut up That Guy, you're such a cry-baby..."
To BE CONTINUED...
Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]
1999
duane_barry@altavista.net
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