Late One Night, Out With The Guys

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Drive-Thru Dude: "Hi, can I take your order?"

The Cancer Man: "Yeah, just a second. So what do you guys want?"

The Fat Man: "Just get me a cheeseburger and some fries."

Deep Throat: "Me too. And a chocolate 'shake."

The Well Manicured Man: "Where are the menus?"

The Cancer Man: "Oh for Pete's sake, over there, on that board! Just hurry up and order something will ya?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, you don't have to shout! And don't rush me either."

The Cancer Man: "Well then, hurry up and decide what you want already!"

Krycek: "Oh man! I'll have a burger, fries and 'shake too, but make mine banana flavored."

The Fat Man: "Get me a milkshake too."

The Cancer Man: "Well?

The Fat Man: "Well what?"

The Cancer Man: "What flavor do you want?"

The Fat Man: "I don't know...strawberry?"

The Cancer Man: "So?"

The Fat Man: "So what?"

The Cancer Man: "For f**k's sake, do you want strawberry or not?"

The Fat Man: "I said I did, didn't I?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "Are you ready to place your order yet sir?"

The Cancer Man: "Just give us a minute will ya?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "OK."

The Fat Man: "When are you going to get this radio fixed?"

The Cancer Man: "Stop fooling with the damn radio and tell me what you want to eat!"

The Fat Man: "But I already told you - a burger, fries and a milkshake!"

The Cancer Man: "But what flavor, dammit?"

The Fat Man: "Oh for the love of G-! I told you twice already, strawberry!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Can you back this car up a little, I can't see the board properly."

The Cancer Man: "What? No! Just order something will ya?"

The Well Manicured Man: "How do you expect me to order something if I can't even see what's on the menu? Honestly, you Americans, rush, rush, rush..."

Deep Throat: "God, just get him the same as us and let's get going! I'm getting a cramp!"

Krycek: "You're cramped? You should sit back here!"

The Fat Man: "Well, if you'd move your false arm, we'd all be a lot more comfortable!"

Krycek: "Hey, Fats, move this-"

The Cancer Man: "Shut up, all of you!"

Drive-Thru Dude: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to place your order now."

The Cancer Man: "Yeah, OK, we'll have five cheeseburgers, five fries, one strawberry milkshake, one banana milkshake and three chocolate 'shakes."

The Fat Man: "Get me two cheeseburgers."

The Cancer Man: "What? Too late, I've already ordered!"

Krycek: "Oh man...!"

The Fat Man: "No it's not, just tell him we want six cheeseburgers now-"

Deep Throat: "And I'll have a medium coke instead of a milkshake."

The Cancer Man: "For f**k's sake! Hey, can I change that order please?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "What's that, sir?"

The Cancer Man: "Can I change that order? I want six burgers now, cheeseburgers, and a medium coke instead of one of those chocolate shakes?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "Sorry sir, you want what? Five cheeseburgers, six burgers and what else?"

The Cancer Man: "No, no, we only want six cheeseburgers, five fries, uhh, one medium coke, a banana milkshake, a strawberry milkshake and two chocolate 'shakes. Got that?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "OK, that's six cheeseburgers, five fries, one medium coke, one banana milkshake, one strawberry milkshake and two chocolate milkshakes, sir?"

The Cancer Man: "Yeah, that's it."

The Well Manicured Man: "Can I get a cup of tea here?"

Krycek: "Wha...?"

The Cancer Man: "Oh shut up will ya, where do you think you are, Buckingham Palace or somewhere?"

Deep Throat: "Harharharhar!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, I was only asking! Damned uncivilized place if you ask me..."

Drive-Thru Dude: "That'll be-"

[The Drive-Thru Dudes voice is drowned out by the piercing blast of the first few bars of 'La Cucaracha' from an airhorn behind them in the queue]

The Fat Man: "What the hell was that?"

The Cancer Man: "It's some fool in a pick-up truck behind us."

Red Neck Dude: "Hey asshole, hurry thu hell up will ya, some of us are hungry!"

The Well Manicured Man: "The cheek of the man!"

Krycek: "You want me to take care of it?"

Deep Throat: "For God's sake, put that gun away! Do you want to get us all into trouble or something?"

Drive-Thru Dude: "Please drive up to the next window, sir."

The Cancer Man: "Wait a minute, I didn't hear how much our order was!"

Drive-Thru Dude: "Oh, it came to-"

[Another blast from the airhorn drowns him out again]

Red Neck Dude: "Hey, come on you jerkweeds, hurry up!"

The Cancer Man: "Hey, shut the hell up will ya!"

Red Neck Dude: "Are you talking to me, f**khead?"

Krycek: "Yeah, Fatboy Slim, you wanna make something of it?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Can we please just get our food? We're going to be late for the rendevous!"

The Fat Man: "Yes, I think-"

The Cancer Man: "Hang on, shut up, this guy's really starting to piss me off!"

Deep Throat: "Forget him, let's just get our food, I'm starving!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, hurry up!"

[Grudgingly, The Cancer Man slowly drives forward to the next window, all the time looking at the Red Neck Dude in the rear view mirror]

Krycek: "Hey, that guy's coming!"

Deep Throat: "Where? I don't see him."

Krycek: "Nah, now he's got back into the truck!"

The Fat Man: "He looked pretty big..."

The Cancer Man: "You guys get your money ready, our foods coming."

The Fat Man: "How much was it? I only have a hundred."

The Cancer Man: "What? What the hell am I supposed to do with a hundred dollar bill? Why the hell are you only carrying hundreds?"

The Fat Man: "Well, how was I supposed to know we'd be coming here?"

The Cancer Man: "So what happens if you need to buy a newspaper or something? Man, you must be a total idiot! F**king hundred dollar bills...!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, I hope they take Visa. The last restaurant I went to only took American Express. It caused no end of strife."

The Cancer Man: "Do you mean to tell me you don't have any cash at all? Not even change?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Certainly not! Why the hell would I carry loose change when I have an unlimited credit card account? Do be sensible for once!"

Deep Throat: "You come to a fast food joint with only a credit card and you tell him to be sensible?"

The Cancer Man: "Jeezuss, I'm not paying for all you guys, you know!"

Krycek: "Well, I have cash - but I don't think I have enough for all of you, too."

Deep Throat: "It's all right, I'll pay, I always have some emergency cash on me."

The Cancer Man: "Well, thank God for that! I tell ya, you guys are the most hopeless bunch of..."

Cashier Lady: "Here's your order sir, that'll be-"

[The pick-up truck suddenly rams the the rear bumper of their car]

The Cancer Man: "What the f**k?"

Deep Throat: "Oh, now look, I've dropped all my money!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Is it that idiot again?"

Krycek: "That's it, I've had enough of this guy!"

[Suddenly, the gigantic figure of the Red Neck Dude looms outside Krycek's window. He kicks the car's door.]

Red Neck Dude: "Hey shitheads, what's yo' problem huh? Cain't ya'll even figger out how ta git food before thu end of the world or somethin'?"

Deep Throat: "I'd advise discretion, my friend: you might wish to reconsider this course of action you're so intent on taking..."

Red Neck Dude: "Well, is that a fact? Mebbe I'm a-gonna kick ma course of action right up yo'-"

[Krycek shoots the man point blank in the crotch. He drops, squealing like a stuck pig]

The Cancer Man: "You better not have got any blood on my car, Alex! You'll be cleaning it off if you have!"

Deep Throat: "That was rather amusing."

The Well Manicured Man: "Well I think it was pointless and silly! All you've done is risk exposure!"

The Fat Man: "Well, he won't be exposing anything for a while..."

[They all laugh, even The Well Manicured Man. The Cancer Man takes the food from the shocked cashier, and places some cash into her hand]

The Cancer Man: "That oughta cover it."

The Well Manicured Man: "We really should get out of here."

Deep Throat: "Yes, I think that would be wise..."

The Fat Man: "You know, I could really go for a beer right now."

The Cancer Man: "Well, then why the hell did you order a milkshake? We could have gone to a diner or something instead! Man...!"

[The car slowly drives away and disappears from sight around a corner in the road. A small crowd gathers around the body in the drive-thru. The first faint glow of the approaching dawn is visible on the horizon.]

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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