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The New Kids from the Back Street

It is the year 2000. The Guys have had it with plots and conspiracies. It's time for something new and different. They want to be liked. Naturally, they start an all-boy band. And, naturally, it is wildly sucessful...

The Haven's exclusive interview with The New Kids From The Back Street:

H: "Well, thank you for taking the time to do this interview, we know how busy you are with this tour."

Cancer Kid: "Pleased to be here."

Well Manicured Kid: "Yes, it's always nice to interact with one's fans via the popular press."

H: "Alright, can we start with you Rat Kid?"

Rat Kid: "Sure."

H: "You're often portrayed as the 'face' of NKFTBS, the pretty boy: does this bother you, do you ever feel as if your musical talents are being overlooked or demeaned?"

Rat Kid: "Boy, you sure start with a bang, don't you?! It does piss me off, especially when you consider that I only have one arm! Actually, I don't mind too much, though it would be nice to get a little more respect. I had years of shit from a few people before we formed the band, so I was kinda hoping this might put a stop to it, if you know what I mean."

H: "OK. When you say "shit", you mean in your previous career as a sneaky weasel?"

Rat Kid: "Yeah. Yeah, I took so much crap, and I was just trying to do my job. But that's the name of the game, ya know? When you're paid to sneak around, betraying and back-stabbing, you have to expect a little attitude now and then, I guess. But I'm hoping those days are over."

H: "Well, I see Cancer Kid would like to say something here, is it regarding Rat Kid's statement, Cancer Kid?"

Cancer Kid: "Oh yeah, definitely. I'd just like to add that Krychek - uh, Rat Kid - was a total f**king weasel bastard, and deserved even more abuse than he actually copped! He got off pretty lightly if you ask me. He's lucky he's not rotting in a shallow grave in the woods somewhere."

H: "O...K...I see the rest of the band are in agreement with you, especially Kid X - would you say this was fair, Kid X?"

Kid X: "Oh shit yeah! He's just a punk, really! I personally wanted to smash his f**king face in on more than a few occasions, but he always hid behind Cancer Kid. I could never understand why that was, because I know that CK really *hated* the f**king little prick!"

H: "Hmmm, well, perhaps we should get back to the music-"

Well Manicured Kid: "Can I just interject for a moment here please, and say that, although I too would be perfectly happy to see him floating face down in a reservoir somewhere, to be fair, Rat Kid is a very good guitarist."

H: "OK. Well, we haven't heard from Deep Throat Kid yet - would you go along with that?"

Deep Throat Kid: "Well, yes, he may be a slimy little pretty boy, but then these all-boy bands need slimy little pretty boys, and I have to say, unlike all the other all boy bands, our slimy little pretty boy is indeed talented."

H: "You yourself have been touted as the finest vocalist for many years, Deep Throat Kid: what do you think of that?"

Deep Throat Kid: "Well, naturally I'm very flattered, but I believe that I must share such accolades with Fat Kid, as he's at least as good as I am in that department, disgusting fat pig that he may be."

H: "OK, Fat Kid, your input?"

Fat Kid: "What can I say? I love to sing. To be up there, in front of the crowds, being in the spotlight after all these years of hiding in the shadows, it's a wonderful feeling. We've blitzed past any other bands today, and we couldn't have done it without each other. Even if these guys are all assholes."

H: "OK, well, before we go there, you've touched upon something I'd like to discuss, a question we have, and it's probably best answered by Cancer Kid, if you can."

Cancer Kid: "Sure, fire away."

H: "Alright, it's been suggested that your success, your unbelievably meteoric ascension in the charts, and everywhere else, is due to more than just talent and hype-"

Cancer Kid: "What are you implying?"

H: "Erm, well, there's the matter of the unfortunate accidents and incidents involving bands and performers who might be described as your competition."

Cancer Kid: "That's rather unfair, I don't think of our fellow artists as competition, more like colleagues, brothers-in-arms if you will..."

H: "But surely, when you look at these cases-"

Cancer Kid: "What do you mean?"

H: "Well, let's see, one band [The Plastic Fantastics] were supposedly eaten by alligators!"

Cancer Kid: "What can I say? Accidents happen. We can't be held responsible for the actions of wild creatures."

H: "But they were in their hotel in Denver!"

Cancer Kid: "Hey, Colorado is a wild place, don't blame us. This is a f**king crazy business we're all in."

H: "So, what about Teen Angst?"

Cancer Kid: "What about them? They had some bad luck."

H: "They sure did: they were kidnapped and murdered by the Michigan Militia!"

Cancer Kid: "Hey, for years and years, people have been saying the militias were dangerous and this just goes to prove the point!"

H: "But Teen Angst were on tour in Pakistan at the time! And what about the lead singer of Sweet As Sugar, Terrance Darling? He was jailed for life for possession of 200 tons of heroine! 200 TONS!"

Well Manicured Kid: "It was well known that he had a drug problem. The FBI also had a file three inches thick on the young man. He'd been linked to the Cali cartel, among others. I don't see why you should be pointing fingers at us! Shit!"

H: "But he was 13 years old!"

Well Manicured Kid: "Which just goes to highlight the depth of the drug problem in this country!"

Kid X: "Yeah, where the f**k do you get off blaming us for these things?!"

H: "Actually, Kid X, we wanted to ask you about the allegations of tokenism, that you are in the band only to appease minority groups, etc."

Kid X: "What the f...!? I resent that! That's f**king bullshit man! I'm the best tamborinist in the business! People say I'm an NAACP puppet which is crap, because, man, we own the NAACP-"

Cancer Kid: "SHUT THE HELL UP! Jeezuss!"

Kid X: "Oops..."

H: "You say you own them? What do you mean by-"

Fat Kid: "No comment."

H: "But-"

Fat Kid: "Look, can we keep this on topic here? Touring is pretty damn stressful and I for one don't need to hear all these aspersions being cast about, especially not on us!"

H: "OK, you're right, sorry. But I do have one last question before we move on: did you conspire with an alien race in an evil scheme for the eventual colonization of this planet and subsequent extermination of the human species using a viral contaminant in the form of a black oil that incubates within living human tissue then mutates and destroys the body, then - GAAAACCCKKK...AAUUUGGHHH...AAACCCKK!!!!"

[Thud]

Red Haired Kid: "What do you want me to do with the body, boss?"

Cancer Kid: "Oh, just dump it with the rest. And get me a bowl of M&Ms, but take out all those blue ones: they really suck, ya know...?!"

Rat Kid: "And I'll have some beer..."

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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