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One Fine Night at our Place

[It's August 9th. At Scully and Shturmie's apartment, the party is in full swing. Everybody who is anybody is there. So is Agent That Guy. In the kitchen...]

That Guy: "...so I say to her, "You can catch the next mutant!", and then- "

The Fat Man: "I don't get it."

The Grey Haired Man: "By mutant, you meant what, exactly?"

That Guy: "What do you mean?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, this serial killer fellow, was he abnormal, or...?"

That Guy: "But...of course he was abnormal! He was, like, 130 or something! And he could stretch himself and squeeze into incredibly small places and- "

The Red Haired Man: "What a bunch of crap...!"

X: "I saw some guy on a FOX Special who could do that. He was a yogi or something. I don't think he ever killed anybody, though."

Deep Throat: "So, was this man Tooms a yogi, Mr That Guy?"

That Guy: "No! Well, I don't think...look, anyway, he- "

The Red Haired Man: "I'm outta here - I'll be in the living room."

X: "OK."

Deep Throat: "This punch is rather good."

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, I do prefer a good port, but I might just try it."

X: "Where's the beer?"

The Grey Haired Man: "There are a couple of kegs out back."

X: "Awesome!"

The Fat Man: "Try the Hors D'Oeuvre - wonderful!"

[X wanders off in search of beer and Hors D'Oeurve...]

That Guy: "So, anyway- "

Shturmie: "Can I get you guys anything?"

The Well Manicured Man: "No, thank you, we're fine. Happy birthday!"

Deep Throat: "Yes, happy birthday indeed!"

Shturmie: "Thanks! I'm glad you could make it."

The Fat Man: "We wouldn't have missed it for the world!"

Deep Throat: "Great party, by the way!"

The Grey Haired Man: "Yes! Just imagine what the wedding will be like!"

[They all nod in agreement. X returns...]

X: "What's this music, Shturmie?"

Shturmie: "It's the soundtrack to some movie. It's about aliens and conspiracies or something..."

[The Fat Man almost chokes on his food. The Well Manicured Man coughs and looks away.]

Deep Throat: "Hmmmm..."

X: "Sorry I asked..."

That Guy: "Can I please finish my story now?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Story?"

That Guy: "I was telling you about Eugene Victor Tooms! You've been listening to it for only the last ten minutes!"

Deep Throat: "Was it really only ten minutes?"

X: "Seemed like hours..."

[The door opens...]

Scully: "Did he tell you about how he got covered in bile?"

X: "Eeeuuwwww!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Ah, there you are, my dear! I was beginning to think you'd escaped!"

Frohike: "She was with me!"

Shturmie: "You look so proud..."

Frohike: "Better watch out Shturmie - I think she has the hots for me!"

Shturmie: "Uhuh. And on my birthday too."

Langley: "Cool sound system, guys! We have the same mono-blocks at our place!"

Byers: "Only, ours are hand-made."

Frohike: "And I hand-made them!"

Scully: "Then they're not the same as our ones then, are they."

The Well Manicured Man: "Ha! She got you there!"

Deep Throat: "Well done, my dear!"

[The Lone Gunmen glare at The Guys.]

X: "Have you boys repaired my VCR yet?"

Langley: "Uh, we're still waiting on a part..."

X: "You said that last month!"

The Fat Man: "If you want something done..."

Byers: "Hey, if you can find another source of ex-Russian military- "

The Fat Man: "We can find anything. Or anybody."

Scully: "Really? So, did you find The Cancer Man yet?"

The Fat Man: "Umm..."

X: "He'll turn up."

[The doorbell rings...]

Scully: "I'll get it, honey."

Shturmie: "OK."

Deep Throat: "I think The Cancer Man is out with Krycek somewhere."

X: "Ya gotta wonder about those two - you know...?"

Byers: "What? But...The Cancer Man was married!"

Langley: "With children!"

The Grey Haired Man: "So was Rock Hudson..."

Frohike: "No! You're kidding?"

The Fat Man: "Honest. He was married to Doris Day."

Deep Throat: "Was he really?"

X: "He was never married to Doris Day!"

The Fat Man: "Sure he was!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Actually- "

Byers: "The Cancer Man was married to Doris Day?"

The Fat Man: "What- "

Langley: "So, who was this Cassandra broad, then?"

Frohike: "No...no, I meant you're kidding about The Cancer Man and Krycek!"

X: "Oh. Well, come on, when did you last see either of them with a woman?"

Langley: "That doesn't mean anything!"

That Guy: "Yeah...when did you last see The Lone Gunmen with a woman?"

[There is an awkward silence.]

Byers: "I had a woman! She kissed me! More than once!"

Deep Throat: "And I'm sure that both Frohike and Langley have had girls too!"

[Another awkward silence.]

The Fat Man: "Ahem..."

[Thankfully...]

Scully: "Well, look who's here!"

Skinner: "Evening everybody."

Aileen: "Hello."

The Well Manicured Man: "Well, Mr Skinner! And you've brought your secretary! How delightful...!"

[He looks knowingly at the others. They smirk.]

Shturmie: "Hi Mr Skinner, can I get you anything?"

Skinner: "Oh, happy birthday Shturmie! Can I get a scotch and soda?"

Shturmie: "Coming right up! Aileen?"

Arlene: "Just some punch, please."

Shturmie: "Sure. Anybody else?"

That Guy: "Can I have a Coke?"

The Fat Man: "Wuss."

That Guy: "Hey, I'm driving, OK?"

The Fat Man: "Do you have any potato chips?"

Shturmie: "Coming up."

Scully: "They're on the dining table, honey."

Shturmie: "OK."

Scully: "Hold on, I'll help you with the drinks."

[Shturmie and Scully, the most thoughtful hosts in the Universe, head off to get the drinks and potato chips.]

Skinner: "So, where's your boss?"

[The awkward silence resumes, icier this time...]

Skinner: "Erm, you know, The Cancer Man..."

The Fat Man: "For your information, Mr Skinner, he is not our boss, actually. He works for us."

Deep Throat: "Though not very well."

The Cancer Man: "I thought I performed rather splendidly in my capacity as...well, in what I do..."

[X is startled, and spills his beer all over Frohike.]

Frohike: "Hey!"

The Fat Man: "How the f...when did you get here?"

The Cancer Man: "Wouldn't you like to know...!"

The Fat Man: "Is this what's known as being fashionably late?"

Deep Throat: "How chic..."

The Cancer Man: "I had some important business to take care of."

X: "Such as?"

The Cancer Man: "Wouldn't you like to know....!"

The Grey Haired Man: "And I'm sure it somehow involved Krycek."

The Cancer Man: "Wouldn't you like to- "

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, for God's sake! Stop using that childish expression!"

Skinner: "I think he's hiding something!"

Deep Throat: "What?"

The Cancer Man: "Wouldn't you like to know...!"

The Well Manicured: "Oh, that's it...!"

[He stalks off towards the living room. The others watch with amusement.]

The Cancer Man: "Boy, he is just so easy to tease!"

Deep Throat: "You should have been here that time we were discussing British 'cuisine'!"

[They all watch The Well Manicured Man storm out. They turn back to The Cancer Man]

The Fat Man: "So, what is it that you're not telling us? Where is Krycek?"

The Cancer Man: "Um, he's around. Somewhere. He's on an important mission."

X: "Yeah, right!"

The Cancer Man: "He is! And it's top secret, too!"

The Grey Haired Man: "Well, whatever it is, he better not screw it up! He still hasn't paid me back that bail money...!"

Deep Throat: "Yes...and I had to pay a fortune to the costume-rental people for that ball-gown he ruined..."

Skinner: "Excuse us, won't you."

[He leaves the kitchen, Aileen in tow.]

The Fat Man: "That guy is such a snob!"

X: "Man, one day..."

[Scully returns with the potato chips...]

Scully: "How are we all doing in here?"

The Cancer Man: "Fine! Where's the birthday boy?"

Scully: "He's trying to get the stereo working again..."

[She glares at The Lone Gunmen. They stare awkwardly into their drinks...]

The Cancer Man: "So, tell me Agent That Guy, what have you been up to lately?"

That Guy: "Oh, you know, this and that..."

Scully: "Hardly anything really."

That Guy: "That's not true! I'm very busy!"

Scully: "No he's not. He sits around all day making paperclip sculptures."

That Guy: "I do not- "

The Grey Haired Man: "This is what I pay my taxes for?"

X: "You don't pay taxes!"

The Grey Haired Man: "You know what I mean."

That Guy: "Where the hell is my Coke...?"

[He leaves the room. Then...]

The Red Haired Man: "Guys, quick, come and check out the babe who's just arrived!"

The Fat Man: "Ooh, ooh!"

Frohike: "Get outta the damn way!"

Scully: "Jeez, you guys...!"

[The Guys peer around the kitchen door.]

Langley: "Which one?"

The Red Haired Man: "Her! Over there, talking to Shturmie!"

Byers: "Wow! I'm in love again!"

Deep throat: "Beautiful! I'm quite partial to red hair you know..."

Frohike: "Scully's is nicer."

Scully: "Thank you Frohike."

X: "She's taller than Scully."

The Grey Haired Man: "You think so? They look about the same height to me."

The Cancer Man: "Great body!"

The Fat Man: "Is she wearing a push-up bra, do you think?"

Scully: "Oh for God's sake, you guys, grow up!"

The Cancer man: "Do you mind? You're getting potato chip crumbs all over me!"

The Fat Man: "Sorry."

X: "I'm sure she's taller than Scully!"

Frohike: "Nah! If anything, I'd say she's shorter!"

The Cancer Man: "And a bit younger, too."

Scully: "Well, gee, thanks..."

Deep Throat: "My dear, that woman isn't a patch on you. She is very nice though...!"

Langley: "Hey look - Agent That Guy's talking to her!"

The Cancer Man: "Oh boy, this is gonna be great!"

The Fat Man: "Wait for it!"

[The lovely young woman tosses her drink on That Guy's shirt then walks away. Skinner and Aileen can be seen sniggering to themselves.]

X: "Oh man, that was sooo great!"

Deep Throat: "He's such a dork!"

Scully: "What the hell did he say to her?"

The Fat Man: "Um..."

Byers: "Oh, darn, he's looking this way!"

The Grey Haired Man: "Quick, act natural!"

[They rush away from the door...soon...]

The Well Manicured Man: "Did you just see that?"

The Red Haired Man: "Yeah, what a loser!"

Deep Throat: "I've never seen her around the Bureau, I wonder who she is?"

The Well Manicured Man: "I believe she said she's an actress."

X: "Oh, great, another flake..."

Scully: "That's not very nice!"

Deep Throat: "Really, they're all waiters..."

The Fat Man: "Or barmen..."

X: "Yep - I bet she's about to get that Big Break anyday now..."

[The three of them giggle]

The Well Manicured Man: "Actually, she has a major part on some big TV show. Everybody out there in the living room seems to know who she is!"

X: "What TV show?"

The Fat Man: "It's probably on FOX...!"

[The three giggle again.]

Scully: "You're mean!"

Byers: "So, what's her name Agent Scully?"

Scully: "No idea - I've never seen her before in my life. She does look familiar though..."

[Scully excuses herself and returns to the living room, where the actress is once again deep in conversation with Shturmie, who is still working on the stereo. Skinner and Aileen half-heartedly help That Guy get the red wine stain out of his shirt, but they're not having much luck. In the kitchen...]

The Cancer Man: "...did you know that her real name is Doris Mary Ann Von Kappelhoff?"

The Red Haired Man: "Who?"

Frohike: "That actress chickadee in the living room?"

The Cancer Man: "No! Doris Day! Her real name is Doris Mary Ann Von Kappelhoff."

Langley: "How the hell do you know that?"

The Cancer Man: "I know everything."

Frohike: "Why would you want to know that?"

Byers: "He was married to her, remember?"

X: "I thought Doris Day was married to some guy called Marty?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, you know these actors! They have dozens of failed relationships! They're famous for it!"

The Grey Haired Man: "But when was she married to The Cancer Man? That's what I'd like to know!"

The Cancer Man: "For Chrissakes, I was never married to Doris Day!"

Deep Throat: "So, what about this Doris Van Catcoff then? Were you married to her before or after you met Doris Day?"

The Grey Haired Man: "Or did you just fool around with her? Hey, no judgement's here, just wondering..."

Langley: "Hear that you guys? He was cheating on Doris Day!"

Frohike: "What a scumbag!"

The Cancer Man: "Wha...how the hell do you guys ever expect to destroy our Evil Syndicate when you're this dumb? Man, when I think of the time I've wasted on you boys over the years...!"

Frohike: "Well, there's no need to be like that! You can't really judge us based on our inability to keep up to date with the names of all of your wives!"

Byers: "Yes, and you've really gone out of your way in the past to make things difficult for us, and not just with Doris Day- "

The Cancer Man: "I WAS NOT MARRIED TO DORIS F**KING DAY!"

The Fat Man: "Who's getting married?"

Deep Throat: "The Cancer Man was just telling us about when he was married to Doris Day."

The Well Manicured Man: "Really? Once when I was in a bar, I met Martin Landau!"

[Silence.]

X: "Who?"

The Well Manicured Man: "You know! He was in that TV show called Space 1999!"

[Silence.]

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh for...what about Mission Impossible, do you remember that?"

Frohike: "With Tom Cruise?"

Byers: "The first one was OK, but the second one was pretty crummy. Why didn't they make it here in the US?

X: "Not as lame as The Matrix though!"

Byers: "Definitely not!"

Langley: "I love that bit in the first movie where Tom Cruise is suspended from the ceiling in that CIA room!"

Frohike: "Ahhh, that was crap! It'd never work..."

Byers: "I suppose we could always try it sometime. The technique might come in useful someday..."

The Well Manicured Man: "No, no, no! Fools! I was talking about the Mission Impossible TV series from the 1960's! You must remember it, surely?"

Deep Throat: "Was that the one with Peter Graves in it? And Leonard Nimoy?"

The Fat Man: "No! That was Star Trek!"

The Grey Haired Man: "Peter Graves was never in Star Trek- "

The Cancer Man: "KERIST! You guys are idiots! He's talking about that spy show! The one that had that team of specialists who used to carry out missions in places with stupid names like Polovakia and stuff."

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, that's the one!"

X: "Which of the specialists was your friend?"

The Well Manicured Man: "He wasn't my friend, I just met him at a bar!"

The Fat Man: "Did you bring him along?"

The Well Manicured Man: "What?"

The Fat Man: "Did you invite him to the party? I'd quite like to meet him."

The Well Manicured Man: "It was in 1998! I met him one night in an alley behind a bar in Washington D.C. back in 1998!"

X: "What the hell were you doing meeting guys in an alley behind a bar?"

The Well Manicured Man: "None of your business!"

The Grey Haired Man: "And just precisely what kind of bar are we talking about here...?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, you're disgusting! I'm trying to tell you about the time I met an actor who had a part in a classic television program, and you're making all sorts of snide insinuations!"

[The others look at him with amusement as he fumes.]

The Fat Man: "So which character did Doris Day play?"

The Well Manicured Man: "What?"

The Fat Man: "In Mission Impossible. Which character was she?"

[Meanwhile, in the living room, more people are arriving and Scully greets them at the door. The actress is deep in conversation with Skinner, Aileen and some other guests. Shturmie finally figures out what The Lone Gunmen did to the stereo, and the music is soon blaring again. Time is really whizzing by and the drinks are flowing bigtime. Soon, back in the kitchen...]

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Nope."

Frohike: "So what about animals? Can you do animals?"

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Humans are animals."

Frohike: "No, I mean, well, you know..."

Langley: "Lower animals."

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Even lower than humans?"

Byers: "Erm, yes..."

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Nope."

Langley: "Bummer."

Frohike: "Yeah. I'd like to become a tiger! That'd be so cool!"

Byers: "I'd be an eagle! Imagine flying over the Grand Canyon!"

Langley: "I'd like to fly over Congress and shit on them!"

The Fat Man: "Oh, nice! Thank you very much! I'm trying to eat, here!"

The Cancer Man: "So, what else is new...?"

X: "I'd like to be able to change into a panther- "

Deep throat: "A black panther...?"

X: "No! A purple one! What a- "

Deep Throat: "Relax, my boy, it was only a jest."

X: "Yeah, well, watch what you say..."

[Awkward silence.]

Byers: "Can you change into other aliens? Besides humans?"

Frohike: "Can you change into that chick from Species?"

Alien Bounty Hunter: "I can do this..."

[He transforms into an unbelievably disgusting and hideous monstrosity.]

Byers: "AAAAIIIEEEEEE...!"

The Fat Man: "Oh God, I'm gonna puke!"

Langley: "STOP, STOP!"

[The Bounty Hunter returns to his normal human form. The door from the living room bursts open and...]

Scully: "What's going on out here? God, what's that stench?"

Deep Throat: "Nothing. Just a little experiment. Everything's fine my dear."

Scully: "Byers, are you alright?"

Byers: "Yes, it's OK, I'm fine. Sorry. It's just that I really hate Joan Rivers..."

Alien Bounty Hunter: "Sorry, I won't do that one again. It hurts and disgusts me anyway."

Frohike: "I thought you said you couldn't do lower animals...?"

[The party rocks on. Yet more people arrive and everybody is pretty merry. Later, in some bushes outside the apartment...]

Skinner: "Oh, man, that's some good shit!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes, isn't it? I get it specially imported from Turkey. Connections, Mr Skinner, connections...they're the key to everything!"

Skinner: "I'll try to remember that! Got any more?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh yes...! Where's your secretary, Mr Skinner? What's her name again - Aileen, is it?"

Skinner: "She's around somewhere. She doesn't 'go in for' this kind of thing. Boring bitch..."

The Well Manicured Man: "Ahh, but then , she wasn't ever in Vietnam, now, was she Mr Skinner..."

Skinner. "True. True. Wow, this really is good shit!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Yes. Tell me, Mr Skinner, do you think a nubile young thing like Aileen would ever go for a more, erm, mature gentleman...?"

[And in the kitchen...]

X: "And I'm telling you that it will work, f**k ya!"

Deep Throat: "Well, let's find out then - up you get, Mr Frohike!"

Frohike: "I dunno - it looks kind of dangerous..."

X: "Just get the f**k up there, ya girl! Byers and whats-his-face are up there, so you can do it too!"

Langley: "This chair is killing me!"

Byers: "Um, help..."

Frohike: "Look you guys..."

X: "Faggot! I shoulda shot you when I had the chance, but no, Mr X Nice Guy says nah, they aren't worth the bullets and then I had to go but I coulda shot ya's lots of times and so could've The Cancer Dude, am I right dude? Am I right ol' Smoky Dude, ol' buddy, ol' pal, you and me man, you and me against the f**king World, man!

The Cancer Man: "Jeeezuss, how many has this guy had?"

Deep Throat: "Not enough! Never enough! Now, it's Melvin isn't it? Now up you go!"

The Grey Haired Man: "Melvin! Yeah, go on - Melvin!"

Frohike: "Hey, shuttup!"

The Fat Man: "Climb Up! Climb Up! Climb Up!

[They start chanting...]

Scully: "What the f- JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? Do you know what that furniture is worth? Get the hell down from there!"

Byers: "I would, but these handcuffs..."

Scully: "SHTURMIE...!"

[Outside again...]

The Well Manicured Man: "So, I was thinking Mr Skinner...I was thinking...me and you, Mr Skinner, me and you and Aileen...on a yacht, a bloody great big yacht, just cruising the Bahamas together, Mr Skinner...think about it! No more bank robbers and serial killers for you, Mr Skinner, just sun, sea, surf, sun, sea, surf...what a life...and for me, Mr Skinner, no more bloody conspiracies! No more aliens, no more midnight meetings, no more bloody paperwork, Mr Skinner! Think of it, no more beauracracy, just sun, sea, sand and surf! What do you say Mr Skinner?"

Skinner: "I like the sea, man, I really like the sea, man! Oh, wow, I haven't seen the sea in like, wow, must be years! Ever since that guy with the exploding head. Hehehehehee...! And a sailboat! Oh yeah...! Lookit the stars, man! Have you ever wondered- "

The Well Manicured Man: "Here, let me light that for you, Walter - may I call you Walter?"

Skinner: "Hehehehee, man, you can call me whatever, man! See the stars! Have you ever wondered, man, wondered what's really out there man...?"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, Mr Skinner, I know what's out there, and it's more than you could ever imagine! So anyway, Walter, about your secretary..."

[Meanwhile, in the kitchen...]

X: "I don't need a cab! I don't wanna cab! I wanna stay man, come on, lemme stay, man!"

Shturmie: "You need sleep!"

Scully: "He needs a kick in the ass! Look at my china! My mom gave me this...!"

The Fat Man: "Party poopers!"

The Cancer Man: "Shut up you idiot! You should leave too!"

The Fat Man: "But, I'm not even drunk!"

Scully: "YOU'RE ALL GODDAM DRUNK!"

Deep Throat: "Hmmm..."

The Cancer Man: "The Red Haired Man, give Shturmie a hand, please!"

The Red Haired Man: "OK."

Langley: "Uh, I think I need a doctor..."

Scully: "You need a psychiatrist, that's what you need!"

Byers: "Um, with all due respect Agent Scully, we really didn't want to do- "

Scully: "Shuttup! Don't speak to me!"

[In the living room, That Guy is fast asleep on the couch. Aileen is talking to the actress and they are surrounded by a clutch of admiring FBI men. The Alien Bounty Hunter is sitting in a corner reading one of Scully's human anatomy books, slowly shaking his head. But out in those bushes...]

Skinner: "Oh wow, you never told me you could fly, man!"

The Well Manicured Man: "I can't fly, Walter."

Skinner: "Man, this is the best shit I've ever done, man!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Let's go and do some more, shall we? It's in my Limousine."

Skinner: "Oh, wow, yeah man, definitely let's get some more!"

[Behind them, Shturmie and The Red Haired Man can be seen carrying the snoring form of X out to a cab which is waiting at the kerb. They bundle him in. Shturmie thanks The Red Haired Man, who then leaves in the cab too. Back in the kitchen...]

Frohike: "Where do you want me to put these things, Agent Scully?"

Scully: "Do you really want me to answer that, Frohike?"

Frohike: "Um..."

The Grey Haired Man: "Watch where you put that mop, will you?"

Deep Throat: "Sorry, but you're standing in a big puddle of wine!"

Byers: "Let's hope it's wine."

The Fat Man: "Miss Scully, do you mind if I take a doggy bag with some of these Hors D'Oeuve?"

Scully: "Its Ms Scully, and you can take whatever the hell you like! Just get the hell out!"

Deep Throat: "Now now, my dear, it's been a long night- "

Scully: "And you can shuttup and leave too!"

[Outside, a passing police cruiser shines a spotlight on The Well Manicured Man's Limo. A lot of smoke is drifting out through the slightly open back window. The police car pulls over. In the living room, Langley is fiddling with the stereo again. Everybody else is watching him, except for Aileen and The Alien Bounty Hunter, who are chatting in the corner. Suddenly...]

Scully: "WHAT THE F- ?"

The Cancer Man: "WHAT THE F- ?"

Byers: "I THINK IT'S LANGLEY! HE WAS PLAYING WITH THE STEREO!"

The Fat Man: "WHAT? JEEZUSS!"

Deep Throat: "DO YOU HAVE ANY DEEP PURPLE, AGENT SCULLY?"

Shturmie: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Scully: "SOMEBODY TURN IT OFF!"

The Grey Haired Man: "NO, I THINK SOMEBODY BETTER TURN IT OFF!"

Frohike: "I'LL GO AND TURN IT OFF!"

[Frohike, Byers and Shturmie race into the living room, their hands over their ears. After a few seconds, it gets louder...]

Scully: "FOR CRISSAKES!"

The Grey Haired Man: "THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT, AGENT SCULLY?"

Scully: "WHAT?"

Deep Throat: "WE HAVE TO BE GOING! WE HAVE A MEETING! IT'S BEEN GREAT!"

Scully: "WHAT?"

[The Grey Haired Man, Deep Throat, The Fat Man and the The Cancer Man depart. As they go, a group of policemen arrive and speak to the men. The Cancer Man points in the direction of Agent Scully. Shortly...]

Cop 1: "MAAM, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN OFF THIS MUSIC!"

Scully: "WHAT?"

Cop 1: "YOU HAVE TO TURN THIS- "

Scully: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!"

Cop 1: "THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NOISE! YOU HAVE TO TURN THE MUSIC OFF! THE PARTY'S OVER!"

[Suddenly, there is a muffled bang, and the music finally stops. In the living room, That Guy has his pistol in his hand...]

Scully: "My stereo!"

Cop 2: "FREEZE! Drop the weapon!"

That Guy: "It's OK, we're FBI!"

Cop 2: "Sir, put down your weapon and lie face down on the floor!"

That Guy: "I'm a Federal Agent!"

Cop 1: "Drop the gun!"

Scully: "Yeah, arrest his ass!"

That Guy: "Scully!"

[Outside, the police at the Limo have finished frisking Skinner and The Well Manicured Man, and place them into the back of the police car. Behind them, The Fat Man, The Cancer Man, The Grey Haired Man and Deep Throat stand beside their own Limos, laughing at the others predicament. Off to one side, Aileen can be seen leaving with - Skinner! The cops from inside drag That Guy down the apartment steps and over to their own cars. He is kicking and yelling the whole way. The neighborhood is out in force, watching. Byers, Frohike and Langley slip away to their VW Combi, and head off into the night. Back inside...]

Shturmie: "Where'd The Alien Bounty Hunter go?"

Scully: "Who cares. Honey, the actress has missed her flight to LA and wants to stay here the night. OK?"

Shturmie: "Sure."

Scully: "Guess what? It's her birthday today too!"

Shturmie: "Yeah? There's a coincidence!"

Scully: "Happy birthday, baby...!"

[Outside, the crowds have dispersed and the cops have gone. The last Limo disappears around the end of the street. A car slowly cruises up from the other direction...]

Diana Fowley: "Are you sure this is the place?"

Krycek: "I think so. That's the address The Cancer Man wrote down!"

Marita Covarrubias: "These buildings all look pretty similar. We might even be in the wrong street!"

Krycek: "No, this is definitely the place..."

Diana Fowley: "Well, it looks pretty dead to me. There are no lights on."

Marita Covarrubias: "Did we miss it?"

Diana Fowley: "Well, it's not that late - surely it can't be over already!"

Krycek: "Can't have been much of a party. Oh well, let's go back to the boss's place..."

[They drive off into the night. At last, silence prevails.]

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

1999

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