The Old Men And The Sea

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The Old Men and the Sea

[It is a beautiful Monday morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and small children are laughing. Carrying a package, a mailman walks up to the front door of a small house and knocks loudly. After a while, the blinds in the window next to the door are roughly pushed apart and a face peers out.]

The Cancer Man: "Who the hell is it?"

Mailman: "Mailman, sir."

The Cancer Man: "Well, what the hell do you want? I'm busy!"

Mailman: "I have a special delivery sir, you need to sign for it."

The Cancer Man: "What the hell kind of special delivery?!"

Mailman: "A parcel, sir."

The Cancer Man: "F**k off!"

Mail Man: "Sir, please, I'm sorry, but I need a signature. It'll only take a second."

[Inside, The Cancer Man mutters and curses. Footsteps approach the door, then there is the sound of a cat shrieking followed by a resounding thud.]

The Cancer Man: "STUPID GODDAM CAT!"

[The sounds of locks and chains being opened is followed by the squeak of the door hinges. The Cancer Man peers out through a small gap. His hair is a mess and he is unshaven. He smells of beer. He is dressed only in black socks, a dirty white undershirt and faded red shorts with little white alien heads printed on them.]

The Cancer Man: "What the hell do you want?!"

Mailman: "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but you need to sign for this."

The Cancer Man: "Well, what the hell is it?!"

Mailman: "I don't know sir, I just need a signature."

The Cancer Man: "Who is it from?"

Mailman: "I'm sorry sir, I don't know."

The Cancer Man: "What the hell *do* you know?! You don't seem to know much of anything, do you?! You must be with the FBI."

Mailman: "No sir, US Postal Service. Can you sign here please?"

[The Cancer Man blinks in the bright sunshine. He snatches the package from the mailman and scribbles on the form, which he then throws back at the unfortunate man.]

The Cancer Man: "Now get the f**k off of my doorstep!'

Mailman: "There's no call to be rude sir, I'm just doing my job, you know?"

The Cancer Man: "I don't give a flying f**k if you're doing your nails, get the hell out of here!"

Mailman: "A*****e!"

The Cancer Man: "Ya loser! Don't expect to have a job to go to tomorrow!"

Mailman: "Are you threatening me? Huh? You'll be sorry!"

The Cancer Man: "You can't even *begin* to know 'sorry', you nobody!"

[The mailman glares at him, then stomps away, leaving The Cancer Man smirking in the doorway. Just as he's about to slam the door shut, a bright red SUV screeches into his driveway. The Cancer Man groans loudly to himself.]

The Cancer Man: "Oh, Christ, not today...?!"

[Deep Throat, X, The Grey Haired Man, The Fat Man and The Well Manicured Man climb from the vehicle. They are all dressed in Levis, loggers shirts and fishermens vests.]

Deep Throat: "Hi ho, old friend, are you ready to go?"

The Cancer Man: "Go where? What the hell do you guys want?!"

The Well Manicured Man: "You're not even dressed yet? What have you been doing all day?!"

The Cancer Man: "*All day*!? It's not even 9 AM!"

The Grey Haired Man: "It's ten after, and your 'phone is off the hook."

The Cancer Man: "That's because I don't want morons like you bothering me!"

X: "Oooo-wheeee, somebody's grumpy this morning!"

[They push past The Cancer Man and into his house. It is a shambles. There are empty beer cans and bourbon bottles everywhere. In the corner, Krychek lies snoring on the couch, half- covered by a crummy old blanket and yesterdays sports section. His mouth is agape, and some drool is trickling down his face. X walks over and kicks him in the leg.]

X: "Wake the hell up, it's fishing time!"

Krychek: "I don't wanna go to football practise today, Mommy..."

[X walks behind the couch and tips it and dumps Krychek on the floor in a heap. He is wearing an empty shoulder holster and has the same underwear as The Cancer Man.]

Krychek: "Owwww...what the...!?"

The Fat Man: "Wake up!"

The Cancer Man: "Just what do you think you're doing?! Get the hell out, all of you!"

Deep Throat: "No way, you're coming fishing with us!"

The Cancer Man: "The hell I am!"

The Fat Man: "Hey, this whole thing was your idea, remember? So hurry up and get ready!"

The Cancer Man: "Don't tell me what to do in my own damn house-"

Krychek: "Ohhhhh, what the hell is going on?! Where are my pants?"

The Grey Haired Man: "Whereever you left them. Now hurry up, the boat's waiting!"

The Cancer Man: "What boat?! I'm not going anywhere!"

[He searches the debris on the coffee table. Finally, he finds his cigarettes. He takes the last one, then crumples the empty pack and tosses it on the floor, collapsing onto the couch as he does so. X picks up a pair of Levis and throws them at Krycheks head.]

Krychek: "Cut it out!"

X: "Put your damn pants on boy!"

Deep Throat: "Yes, let's get going, I can't wait to get out on the water!"

[Krychek lies back on the carpet and groans.]

The Well Manicured Man: "For goodness sakes, how could you have forgotten about your own fishing trip?!"

[Just then, a figure descends the staircase. It is Diana Fowley. She is clad only in very sexy lingerie.]

Diana Fowly: "Darling, what's going on, what's all the noise-"

[She stops in her tracks when she sees all the men looking up at her.]

Diana Fowley: "Oh...hello..."

The Cancer Man: "S**t...!"

Deep Throat: "I see...!"

The Fat Man: "I take it we're interrupting something...?"

The Cancer Man: "No! Diana's apartment building is being fumigated, so I told her she could stay here tonight! That's all!"

X: "So, where did you sleep?"

The Cancer Man: "I slept on-

[They all look at the couch.]

The Cancer Man: "-the bed in the spare room!"

X: "Uh huh!"

The Cancer Man: "It's *true*, damn you!"

[Just then, Krychek is loudly and colorfully sick on the rug. He curls up and goes to sleep on the floor]

The Well manicured Man: "Oh my God! What were you *doing* here last night!?"

The Fat Man: "This is worse than Skinners birthday party!"

[A voice rings out from the front doorway behind them]

Scully: "Freeze! Nobody move!"

The Well Manicured Man: "Oh, hello young lady, what brings you here?"

Scully: "I'm looking for my partner!"

Deep Throat: "Well, I'm afraid he's not with us. We're about to go fishing, would you care to join us?"

Scully: "Fishing? That would be...no, I can't, I have to find That Guy!"

The Grey Haired Man: "That's too bad, it's a beautiful day for it..."

X: "We can't help you, Agent Scully!"

Scully: "Bullshit! Agent That Guy was following a lead and he said he might come here."

The Well Manicured man: "So, still trying to unravel the mysteries within mysteries, young lady?"

Scully: "The only mystery is the whereabouts of my partner!"

The Well Manicured Man: "My dear young Agent Scully, I can assure you-"

The Cancer Man: "Will you all just shut the hell up! I have a headache!"

The Fat Man: "I'm not at all surprised."

Deep Throat: "So, where is That Guy?"

[Everyone turns to look at The Cancer Man.]

The Cancer Man: "How the hell should I know!? What!? I haven't seen him!?"

Scully: "I'm not leaving here until you tell me where he is!"

Deep Throat: "Your loyalty is touching-"

Scully: "The hell with loyalty, he's got my car keys! I had to catch a bus over here and I have to pick Shturmie up from the airport in 30 minutes!"

[Just then, That Guy descends the stairs and puts his arms around Diana Fowley. He is also clad only in boxer shorts.]

That Guy: "Good morning sleepy-head!"

Diana Fowly: "Umm, honey, I think-"

Scully: "You idiot, where the hell are my damn car keys!? I'm going to be late!"

That Guy: "Oh, s**t, I forgot!"

[He runs back upstairs, and returns, hopping about on one leg as he pulls his pants up. He fishes around in the pocket for the keys, then tosses them to Scully.]

Scully: "Man, what a loser...!"

[She storms out the front door, slamming it shut behind her. She heads to the sedan parked out by the kerb, leaps in, and roars away, gunning the engine powerfully. As she disappears around the corner of the street, the mailman returns to the house. He is carrying an assault rifle...]

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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