The Operator

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The Operator

*15:03

Operator: "Good afternoon, Evil Syndicate office, can I help you?"

Caller: "Yeah, hi, I hope so, I'd like to talk to someone about an Evil Conspiracy please."

Operator: "Is this an Evil Conspiracy being perpetrated or to be perpetrated sir?

Caller: "Oh, ahh, to be perpetrated. By me actually. I hope I've called the right place..."

Operator: "Yes sir, you have. Now, is that regarding Local, Regional or Global Domination, sir?"

Caller: "Umm, Global I think. Yup, definitely Global."

Operator: "And is it to be a Private, Corporate, Military or Governmental conspiracy?"

Caller: "Well, at this stage it's only a Private one, but I'd like to discuss possible Governmental sponsorship if I can."

Operator: "All right sir, and will it involve mass civilian death and/or destruction or is it more of a benign form of Global Domination Conspiracy?"

Caller: "Oh, there'll definitely need to be casualties, the more the better. Probably a fair bit of destruction too. Actually more of a 'Widespread Devastation' kinda thing, if you know what I mean?"

Operator: "Yes sir, that's no problem. You really need to speak to The Well Manicured Man, but unfortunately he's out of the office at the moment. Would you like to speak to someone else about this sir or would you prefer to call back later?"

Caller: "Oh, um, well I really need to sort this out before my wife gets home. Is there anyone there who deals with Multi-National Corporate Assassinations and Slush Funds?"

Operator: "Yes sir, The Fat Man is the head of the department overseeing those missions, I'll see if he's available. One moment please."

Caller: "Sure, no problem."

[Cue hold musak. It is an instrumental rendition of 'The Girl From Ipanema']

Operator: "Are you there sir?"

Caller: "Doo doo doo do do de- Oh, sorry, yes, I'm here."

Operator: "I'm afraid The Fat Man is busy with another call at present, but his sidekick, The Grey Haired Man is available, would you like to speak with him?"

Caller: "Yes please, that'd be great."

Operator: "Putting you through now sir, have a good day."

Caller: "Thanks, you too."

*15:16

Operator: "Good afternoon, Evil Syndicate office, how may I help you."

Caller: "Oh hi Madeline, it's The Cancer Man here, is Fatty around?"

Operator: "Good afternoon sir. I'm afraid The Fat Man is busy on another call. Can anyone else help you?"

Caller: "Mmm, is Posh Spice around?"

Operator: "I'm...sorry sir, you mean...who, exactly?"

Caller: "Oh, I'm sorry, just our little joke, I mean The Well Manicured man. Is he there do you know?"

Operator: "Gosh, I don't think I'll ever keep up with these nicknames sir! And he's out of the office at the moment. Would you like me to page him for you sir?"

Caller: "No, no, that's fine, I'm sure I'll see him later. One other thing, I'm expecting a call from The Red Haired Man sometime today. When he calls, can you ask him to meet me at the usual place, please. Oh, and bring the wire. He'll know what I mean."

Operator: "The usual place, and bring the wire. Alright sir, I'll do that. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Caller: "No, no, that's plenty. And you're doing a fine job. I think we're very lucky to have you. Have a good day Madeline!"

Operator: "Sir, you are too kind. Have a good day!"

*15:25

Operator: "Good afternoon, Evil Syndicate office, may I help you?"

Caller: "Oh thank God, thank God! They're here, they've got me trapped, you've got to send help!"

Operator: "Alright sir, can you specify the nature of the threat? Is it Alien, Human, Alien/Human Hybrid or Other?"

Caller: "For chrissakes, they're smashing through the door! FOR GODS SAKE WOMAN, DO SOMETHING!!!!!"

Operator: "Yes sir, I'll do my best, but I need to know which department you wish to discuss the matter with. Do you know the extension sir?"

Caller: "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

[followed by the sound of flesh tearing and lots of wet splatty-squelchy noises]

Operator: "Hello? Hello? Sir?"

Click.

*15:41

Operator: "Good afternoon, Evil Syndicate office, how may I help you?"

[Sound of heavy breathing and other depraved noises]

Operator: "Erm, are you there...?"

Caller: "Sorry Madeline, just my little joke! It's The Well Manicured Man here, any messages for me?"

Operator: "Oh goodness sir, I thought it was Agent That Guy or some other pervert! You are naughty! Actually sir, The Cancer Man called for you and we've taken a few calls for your department also."

Caller: "Oh really? Anything I should know about?"

Operator: "Nothing too urgent I don't believe sir. The Fat Man and The Grey Haired Man have been dealing with them so far."

Caller: "Oh good, I can always rely on Fats and his men. Do you know what The Cancer Man wanted?"

Operator: "No sir, he didn't say."

Caller: "No...no, he never does. Oh well, can't have been too important then can it?"

Operator: "No, I don't believe so sir. He did say he'd see you later."

Caller: "Did he...? Did he now...? That is interesting... Oh well, anyway Madeline, I shall be tied up here for a while. I may not be back in the office until much later. Please pass on my apologies and such, will you?"

Operator: "Yes sir, of course sir. Have a good lunch."

Caller: "Thank you Madeline, I shall. Good day!"

Operator: "Good day sir."

*15:57

Operator: "Operator, can I help you?"

Caller: "Hello Madeline, it's The Fat Man here. Did my extension not show up on your board?"

Operator: "No sir, all the internal lines are secret now."

Caller: "Oh. That's a bit of a nuisance isn't it? How are you supposed to know which of us is calling you?"

Operator: "Erm, I don't sir."

Caller: "Well, it seems a bit pointless to me. Anyway, do you know where Deep Throat is at the moment?"

Operator: "No sir. All I know is that he was meeting X at an undisclosed location to discuss a highly confidential matter of great urgency. Something to do with the FBI I believe sir."

Caller: "Typical. When you want him, he's never around and when you don't he won't leave you alone...If you hear from him, can you ask him to call me please?"

Operator: "Of course sir."

Caller: "Oh, by the way Madeline, are you coming to Shturmie and Scully's wedding? It'll be the event of the Millennium!"

Operator: "Oh yes, absolutely sir, I even bought a new outfit."

Caller: "Excellent. It should be a good day."

Operator: "Yes sir."

Log ends.

1999

duane_barry@altavista.net

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