I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Battle of the Sexists”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(Jackie, Kelso, Eric and Hyde are hanging out in the Forman's basement.)

Jackie: I’m waiting.

Eric: Forget it.

Hyde: Just say it, and she’ll go home.

Eric: Fine. You’re right, Jackie, the Fonz...could beat up Bruce Lee.

Jackie: Thank you. Now Michael, call me tonight at eight o’clock.

Kelso: But that’s when "Chico and the Man" is on.

Jackie: I know, but I like it when you describe it to me. Oh, do your Chico impersonation!

Kelso: I don’t think these guys really wanna hear my Chico--

Hyde and Eric: (cutting him off:) Sure, we’d love it. By all means please.

Kelso: Alright. Looking gooooood!

(Jackie shrieks.)

Jackie: I love it, I love it!

(She leaves.)

Eric: Hey Kelso, quick question: why can’t you date someone a little less annoying?

Kelso: Like who?

Eric: What about Barbara Vanson?

Kelso: Nah, she’s just as annoying as Jackie.

Hyde: Yeah, but her boobs are huge!

Kelso: So?

(Hyde opens a nudie magazine and puts it in front of Kelso.)

Hyde: Do you find that annoying?

(Eric and Kelso stare at the magazine.)

Kelso: Pam Macy! Now she’s got some knockers, baby!

Hyde: True, but they’re not bigger than Barbara’s.

Kelso: Yeah, they are.

Eric: Oh, you’re dreaming, it’s like comparing…

(Red walks in, and Eric abruptly changes his train of thought.)

Eric: Exodus and Duteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons. Oh, hi dad!

(Red is rifling through a tool box.)

Red: Damn dryer is broke. Oh nuts, I need my vice-grips.

(He leaves.)

Kelso: Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It’s like you’re looking at the Grand Tetons! In a tube top!

Hyde: Look, the issue isn’t are Pam’s big, right, the issue is, are they bigger than Barbara’s? Because Barbara’s are bigger than…

(Kitty comes down the stairs and Hyde changes his statement the same as Eric did.)

Hyde: The walls of Jerricho, which, as we all know, came tumbling down, right? Hello, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty: Hi, uh, Eric, did your father come down here?

Eric: Yeah, he’s fixing the dryer.

Kitty: Oh dear, you know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he spent all his time fixing things. Things that don’t need fixing. Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crock pot.

(She goes back upstairs.)

Hyde: Sounds like your dad is losing it.

Kelso: Jeez, he’s like this now, he’s gonna be a total head case when they shut down the plant. Just gonna be this pathetic guy …

(Red walks in again.)

Kelso: With breasts the size of watermelons!!! ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians!

Red: Kelso, go home!

(Kelso leaves.)

(That 70's Show theme song plays.)

(The Forman's driveway. Eric and Kelso are playing basketball, and Donna is watching them.)

Eric: Forman has the ball, he fakes left, he fakes right, the crowd is on their feet. They’re chanting, Forman! Forman!

(While Eric is chanting, Kelso steals the ball and scores.)

Donna: I got winner.

Kelso: No, I gotta go, it’s almost eight, I gotta call Jackie.

Eric and Donna: (Imitating Kelso imitating Chico:) Looking gooooooood!

Kelso: Shut up!

(Donna picks up the ball to play Eric.)

Eric: Pinciotti has the ball, Forman guards her closely. She tries to shake him, but she can’t!

(Donna scores.)

Eric: Pinciotti actually scores! Hell freezes over! A monkey types Hamlet!

Donna: One nothing. Losers out!

(The scene cuts to later in the game.)

Donna: Pinciotti the underdog! Up by five. She fakes right, she fakes left, she fakes right then left, she fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she actually fakes…

Eric: Donna! What are you doing?

Donna: Running out the clock.

Eric: There is no clock!

(Donna takes a shot and scores.)

Donna: Sucker!

(The scene switches to later in the game. Donna takes another shot and scores.)

Donna: And that’s game! Man, what a slaughter! I just wiped the court with you from one end to the other!

Eric: I gotta go inside, but I’ll leave a light on. I don’t want you to gloat in the dark.

(He heads toward the house.)

Donna: (Holding up two basketballs) Well, hey, Eric, don’t you want your balls back?

(Eric turns around.)

Eric: Okay, now look, that’s a little uncalled for.

(Donna holds up the basketballs.)

Eric: Uh, yeah. Thanks.

(The Forman's kitchen. Red, Eric and Kitty are all eating. Red pushes on the table.)

Red: Is this table wobbling?

Kitty: I, I don’t think so.

Red: No no, no no, it’s definitely wobbling.

Kitty: Honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.

Red: Gimme a hand, Eric, we’re gonna flip this table over.

Kitty: Honey, honey, we’re eating, we’re eating.

Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.

Red: Sugar packet? That’s what’s wrong with this country, Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They’re all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I’m getting a saw!

(He stands up.)

Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?

Kitty: I’m afraid so, dear.

(The Forman's basement. High time. Kelso, Fez, Eric, and Hyde are talking.)

Kelso: Oh, Donna beat you at basketball?

Fez: It is true, Eric?

Eric: Yeah. Why, is that a big deal?

Hyde: Of course not, unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.

Kelso: Especially a girl you love!

Fez: You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it means she wants you!

Eric: Really?

Fez: Yes. But this is America, wuss!

Kelso: (chanting:) Wuss wuss wuss wuss, wuss wuss wuss wuss..

Hyde: Kelso, Kelso, would you stop that? Wuss wuss wuss wuss, wuss wuss!

Eric: Wait, wait wait wait, what about Kelso, I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped!

Fez: Whipped like the family pig.

Kelso: I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

Hyde: Are you kidding? (imitating Jackie:) Michael, call me at eight!

Eric: (Also imitating Jackie:) Michael, do your Chico impression!

Fez: (Attempting to imitate Jackie:) Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!

(The camera swings to each guy, all too disturbed to do anything but stare at Fez.)

Fez: Please, some one else talk now.

(The Forman's kitchen. Red and Kitty are looking at their table.)

Red: I think we got it!

Kitty: That’s lovely Red!

Red: Solid as a rock!

Kitty: It sure is! Thank you!

(The camera zooms out and we can see that the table is tilted. Kitty carefully sets a pitcher of lemonade and a glass on the table.)

Kitty: Now, um, why don’t you go watch TV while I get lunch ready?

(She sets a melon on the table, but she doesn't lift her hand. She holds onto it and stretches for a knife on the counter.)

Red: Kitty, take your hand off of that melon.

Kitty: You know, you haven’t gone fishing…

Red: Kitty, take your hand of that melon.

(She moves herr hand and the melon rolls off the table.)

(The Pinsciotti's kitchen. Bob is getting ready to go to work. Midge and Donna are at the table.)

Bob: Well, I gotta get back to work. Midge, this table is a little wobbly, stick some sugar packets under it, will ya?

(The phone rings. Midge answers.)

Midge: Hello?

(The screen splits and we see Jackie is on the other line.)

Jackie: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Midge: Donna, it’s for you.

Donna: Hello?

Jackie: You beat Eric at basketball, how could that happen?

Donna: So, I beat Eric at basketball, what’s the big deal?

Jackie: Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff! Okay, it is like in "West Side Story", now, if Maria beat Tony at one-on-one, they would never have fallen in love.

Donna: Yeah, and Tony never would’ve been killed in that knife fight.

Jackie: And neither will Eric if you’re not careful!

Donna: No, don’t worry about it, someone will stab Eric. BYE!

(She hangs up.)

Midge: Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.

Donna: What?

Midge: Certain things change.

Donna: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. Now, sometimes he wins and sometimes I win.

Midge: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.

Donna: That’s insane! If women don’t wanna stand up for themselves, men will always control the world.

Midge: Oh, honey, men don’t control the world.

Bob: Okay, I’ll see ya later.

Midge: Honey, could you open this jar for me?

Bob: Sure thing, pudding.

(He opens it, but it takes him a few tries.)

Midge: Oh, I’m so lucky to have my big strong grizzly bear around.

(Bob growls like a bear. They kiss goodbye, and Bob leaves.)

Donna: First of all, yuck! Second, things don’t even work like that anymore. That’s what the equal right amendment is for.

Midge: That’s good, you stick to your principles. And forty years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.

(The Hub. The gang is hanging out. Kelso is on the phone with Jackie. The scene is split so we can see her room.)

Kelso: Uh-huh.

Hyde: Man, are you still on the phone? Come on, let’s go.

Kelso: I can’t.

Hyde: Hey! The movie starts in five minutes. Let’s go.

Kelso: I can’t.

Hyde: Wuss!

Kelso: (into phone:) Jackie, hold on.

(He puts his hand over the upper part of the receiver instead of the lower part, so that Jackie can still hear what is being said.)

Kelso: Okay, I’ll tell her there’s an emergency and I gotta go. She’ll buy that, right?

Hyde: Yeah, except for one thing.

(Hyde takes Kelso's hand and switches it to the lower part of the phone. Jackie is offended and hangs up. The scene switches to just the hub.).

Kelso: (into the phone:) Jackie, Jackie?

(He looks for change in his pockets.)

Fez: Don’t be her whipped pig!

Hyde: Yeah, look, she hung up on you, let’s go, you’ll call her later, okay?

Kelso: Yeah, she hung up on me! Let’s go!

(They leave.)

Donna: Do you wanna play air hockey?

Eric: With you? Oh, I’d love to, but I’m kinda tired, and my wrist hurts, and I think I’m coming down with the flu.

Donna: Well, it’s just as well, I’m pretty bad at it.

Eric: You know, one game isn’t gonna kill me.

(They get up and go to the air hockey table.)

Eric: Right, you serve first.

(She serves and Eric scores.)

Eric: Wow, no way you could stop that! That was going so fast you couldn’t even see that!

(She serves again. This time she scores.)

Donna: I saw that!

(There is an overhead view of the table, and we see Donna score goal after goal.)

Donna: Well, that’s game.

(We see Eric in a yellow dress. Obviously, his self esteem is more than a little shot after this game.)

Eric: Oh it’s, it’s great.

Donna: Are you okay with that?

Eric: Sure.

(His chest inflates into two big boobs and he leaves.)

(The Forman's kitchen. Red is working on the table, and Kitty is watching.)

Red: Bingo!

(He pulls up a chair and sits in front of the table. We see that now it is WAY too short.)

Red: Oh, crap!

Kitty: No, no no no! Now, look, we’ll get rid of these chairs and we will sit on the floor like those nice Japanese people in “Flower Drum Song”!

Red: I’ll have to make new legs for the damn thing. I’ll be in the garage if you need me.

Kitty: Okay, well now, you take your time and you do a good job. You call me if you need anything!

Red: Shh!

Kitty: I mean if you…

Red: Shh Shh! Is it me, or is that refrigerator too loud?

Kitty: What refrigerator? Red, there is no noise. There is no noise!

(Red tries to get closer to the fridge to listen to it, but Kitty starts singing. Loudly.)

Kitty: (singing:) You’ll be swell, you’ll be great! Gonna have the whole word on a …

(The Forman's driveway. Eric is shooting some hoops, Donna walks up.)

Donna: Hey, nice shot.

Eric: Thanks.

Donna: You wanna play?

Eric: I don’t know.

(He takes a shot, and it swishes.)

Eric: Okay, why not. Alright, game's to twenty one, I’ll take it out first.

(Eric dribbles past her and scores. Donna doesn't try to stop him.)

Donna: Have you been practicing?

Eric: Well, a little…

(Donna dribbles, but she is obviously not dribbling up to par. Eric steals the ball and scores.)

Donna: My goodness, what a super shot!

Eric: Donna, what are you doing?

Donna: I’m losing to you, you big strong grizzly bear.

(She growls like her father did, and instantly feels stupid about it.)

Eric: Donna, you’re intentionally throwing the game.

Donna: I’m throwing the game?

Eric: Donna!

Donna: I didn’t want you to feel bad about losing to a girl again!

Eric: Well, thanks, ‘cause being pitied is so much better.

Donna: God! I can’t believe you care about this! All I did was beat you at a few lousy games!

(Kitty comes out from the kitchen. The kids don't see her, and she listens for a while.)

Eric: A few? No two, try two lousy games. Not a few, two. And I don’t care, so please leave my propriety.

Donna: As long as you don’t care.

(She leaves.)

Eric: God!

(Eric heaves the basketball at the garage. He turns and sees Kitty.)

Eric: Have you been standing there the whole time?

Kitty: No, I came out to get one of your father’s tools. He’s in there working on my refrigerator! So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough patch.

Eric: No mom, we’re in a school play about two people who hate each other.

Kitty: Oh, okay, okay Mr. Smartmouth! But when you get older, you are going to realize that it’s pretty silly to get upset about losing a game to your girlfriend.

Eric: You know what? I don’t wanna talk to you about this.

Kitty: Oh, you know what? I don’t wanna talk to you about this, but I will tell you one thing. Your father and I have played many, many games over the years and we never kept score and we always had fun. Now, what did I come out here for? Oh, your father’s fixing my refrigerator.

(Kitty goes to the garage. She takes a sledgehammer and smashes some pipes with it.)

Kitty: Red, honey, forget the refrigerator. There’s something wrong with the garage door!

(The Hub. Kelso, Hyde and Fez are hanging out. Jackie comes in.)

Jackie: Michael we need to talk. (Michael ignores her.) I’m over here!

Kelso: Oh god, what am I going to do?

Hyde: Well, you could, and I know this is a radical suggestion, but be a man!

Kelso: You’re right, Hyde. No more excuses.

(He gets up to talk to Jackie.)

Fez: She will crush him, yes?

Hyde: Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.

Fez: My forefathers were not Mayan.

Hyde: Like anyone cares.

Jackie: So Michael?

Kelso: So, Jackie? I didn’t mean to make you hang up on me! I’m, I’m sorry, it will never happen again.

Jackie: That’s okay, you were obviously under a bad influence. (She scowls at Hyde.)

Kelso: Yeah.

Jackie: I’m thirsty, Michael, get me a pop.

Hyde: (As Kelso walks by to get Jackie's soda) I’m sorry, I remember saying be a man, not be a wuss.

Fez: I am ashamed to know you.

Kelso: Uh-uh, uh-uh. All those who are getting some, hands up. (He sticks his hand in the air.) Anybody else? Getting some? Hyde? Fez? Yeah.

(The Forman's driveway. Donna is shooting hoops. Eric approaches.)

Eric: What are you doing?

Donna: Just shooting some hoops, waiting for an apology.

Eric: Well, when you think of one, I’ll be glad to hear it.

Donna: Okay look, we are both acting like jerks. I’m sorry.

Eric: Yeah, I’m sorry too.

Donna: You know, maybe we shouldn’t play basketball anymore. Or any games, for that matter.

Eric: Yeah, maybe. End of an era, huh?

Donna: Hey, remember when we were eight and I beat you at wrestling? That was fun.

Eric: Donna, you sat on my chest and made me eat a clump of dirt.

Donna: Alright, screw it, you wanna just play?

Eric: Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, you’re not gonna make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?

Donna: We’ll see.

(The scene cuts to later in the game.)

Eric: Forman has the ball, he fakes left, he blows by Pinciotti!

Donna: Pinciotti leaps on his back!

(She jumps onto his back and they both fall to the ground.)

Eric: What do you want?

Donna: Gimme the ball!

(They continue to wrestle.)

Eric: Okay, foul!

Donna: So, now, suddenly, we’re calling every little thing?

(She turns over and starts inching toward the grass.)

Eric: Hey, what are you doing?

Donna: Reaching for a clump of dirt.

Eric: Don’t!

Donna: Must reach clump of dirt!

Eric: Not - while - I - still - breathe!

(They wrestle for a bit, and somehow Eric ends up on top of her. Suddenly the mood changes as they both realize how easy it would be for them to kiss.)

Donna: What?

Eric: Nothing.

Bob: (From offscreen:) Donna!

Eric: Wait, you gotta go!

Donna: That’s my dad!

Eric: Right.

(They get up and Donna leaves.)

Donna: See ya!

Eric: Bye. Hey wait, who won?

Donna: (From offscreen:) I wasn’t keeping score!

Eric: Cool, me neither.

(Suddenly, the garage door opens and Red steps out.)

Red: Well, that was pretty sad Eric.

Eric: What?

Red: Come on, I’m gonna teach you how to play basketball. We’ve got four hours ‘til your bed time. And we’re gonna drill, drill, drill.

Eric: But I thought that...mom needed your help.

Kitty: (from offscreen:) I can’t hear you Eric, I’m ironing! Lalalalala!

Red: We’ll start you off with a hundred squat-thrusts.

Eric: Dad, we don’t even know who won.

Red: She did. Now hit it!

Eric begins squat thrusting.)

Red: One, two, three, four…(The scene cuts to the end of the squat thrusts. Eric is clearly worn out.) ...ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred.

(Eric falls down, exausted.)

Red: Okay, let’s play!

(The scene is split between Jackie's room and the Hub. Jackie is talking on the phone, and Fez is listening, telling Kelso what to say. Kelso is playing cards with Hyde.)

Jackie: Barbara Streisand becomes this huge star, right? But Chris Christopherson could not take it anymore. So he drink and drinks and crashes his car. Isn’t that romantic?

Fez: Say, yes it is.

Kelso: Yes, it is.

Jackie: Oh, I just love romantic moves, don’t you?

Fez: Yes I do.

Kelso: Yes, I do.

Jackie: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had by the reservoir, when we went skinny-dipping… Remember?

Fez: No, describe it to me.

Kelso: No, describe it to me.

Jackie: Michael, you’re so bad. Okay, the water was really cold. So, when I dove in, well, you know!

Fez: (Directly into the phone:) No, I don’t know!

Jackie: MICHAEL!

THE END Back to the transcripts!