Calm, contemplative thought restores me.

Solitary pursuits defrag my mental hard disc. I love to think.  I like to get lost in reverie.  Basically, I like having the time and solitude to do both, undisturbed.

Being alone is good for me. I seek out quiet places to be still, to introspect and reacquaint myself with myself. 

"I feel the same way about solitude as some people feel about the blessing of the church. It's the light of grace for me. I never close my door behind me without the awareness that I am carrying out an act of mercy toward myself."   ~Peter Hoeg

Updated May 2003:  

I just discovered that I am the ultimate highly sensitive person (HSP).  I scored a perfect on the self-test for this trait.  More on this trait can be found here.  Fascinating reading! 'Splains it perfectly!  I'm not shy.  Just highly sensitive. Heh!  The following makes complete sense:

Truth be told, I feel deeply for the begrudgingly famous, including the notoriously private J.D. Salinger of CATCHER IN THE RYE fame, cloistered up in his hillside aerie, much like the reclusive movie character, William Forrester, in Finding Forrester.

The irony of a private person keeping an online journal is not lost on me. If I want privacy, I am going about it in a very strange way -- by inviting perfect strangers to read my private thoughts?  It must be that kid dopey-ness peeking through.  As reclusive as I am wont to be, I nevertheless enjoy reading the WHO entries that online journalers include on their sites, as these entries "flesh" out the writer and help me to understand the writer.

The WHO pages add context.  Fair is fair; if you are interested, you are welcome to join in that discovery.  Maybe, here, you'll find a part of yourself too. 

Although in my senior years, I am still caught up in the process of discovering who I am and what I might become.  I retain the passionate curiosity of an adolescent.  

"Fame is only good for one thing:
they will cash your check in a small town."
 ~Truman Capote 

I am the quintessential Keirsey INFJ (Counselor).

I share the same temperament type as Mahatma Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt. Perhaps it should not be such a surprise for me to learn this, as both are two of my all-time inspirational heroes. 

INFJs are the rarest of birds. Just 1% of the population. But our impact on the world, it's been said, makes up for our lack of numbers.  Keirsey says we tend to be psychic. Okay, so how come none of us predicted the events of  9-11-01?

My other human heroes include Albert Schweitzer, The Peace Pilgrim,  Mother Teresa, Henry David Thoreau, Oprah, and the brave souls of September 11, 2001: the New York City firemen, police officers, and rescue workers and the undaunted passengers who overcame the highjackers.

Succinctly, INFJ means:  

I: I am introverted.  Does this mean "anti-social"? No. I like and love people, in general; I am totally devoted to more than just a few. Simply, I enjoy being with people in smaller doses than most. 

N: I am intuitive. 

F: I am a feeling person.  I am more driven by my heart than with my head. Being a feeling person, does not, however, mean emotionally needy. 

J: I like things just right.  I prefer structure and discipline over "whenever, whatever, however."  

The saying, "A place for everything and everything in its place" makes perfectly good sense to me.  I like things organized, neat, clean, and uncluttered.  Although I prefer this way of way of being, this doesn't mean that my world is always pristine and orderly.  Sometimes, when I am preoccupied with a project or kicking back and letting things fall where they may, I can be as messy as the Peanut's (Charles Schultz's) cartoon character, Pigpen -- that  'human soil bank,'  but not for very long.

 "Do more than exist; live.
Do more than look; observe.
Do more than read; absorb.
Do more than hear; listen.
Do more than think; ponder.
Do more than talk; say something."
~ Author Unknown

I am a lifetime learner. 

I began my 14 year college career as a foreign language major, formally studying Spanish, French, and Japanese.  In my forties, I studied Hawaiian and informally, Italian.  

Some people collect keepsakes; others, baubles.  I collect words. I am a raving lunatic for  words.  A word geek. Dictionaries and lexicons are precious to me.

These are my favorite words:   

Aloha, ambrosia, angelic, blessing, bliss, blue, bunny, butterfly, calm, caress, celestial, cerise, charisma, creativity, crystalline, daffodil, dawn, darling, dear, delicious, desire, dew, divinity, dolphin, effervescent, elegance, eloquence, enchanting, enlightening, exuberance, epiphany, essence, eternity, fairy, faith, fawn, fluffy, free, gentle, glistening, glow, glory, grace, happy, harmony, home, honeydew, honor, hope, journey, joy, juicy, kindness, kisses, love, lullaby, luminescence, lyrical, melody, mercy, moonlight, morning, muse, mysterious, mystical, peace, puppy, purple, quiescent, quintessential, rain, rainbow, radiance, renaissance, rest, saffron, satin, serenity, September, serendipity, simplicity, sincerity, sky, snowflake, soft, sparkling, splendiferous, starlight, subtle, sunlight, sunshine, synchronicity, tranquillity, trusting, twinkle, whisper, wonderful, zephyr

As an undergraduate, I became fascinated with the study of human behavior: Psychology.  I loved learning about learning, cognition, and motivation. I studied behavioral psychology as an undergraduate; humanistic psychology as a graduate student.

I graduated with a double major in Psychology and The Fine Arts. 

Squeezing in as many art classes between requisite classes, I decompressed with art history classes of the Renaissance, Impressionistic, and Modern periods, as well as drawing, design, composition, sculpture, and jewelry design.  Art provides me with a creative outlet and a sense of freedom.  I am prone to “coloring OUTSIDE the lines.”

One day, when I retire from my "day job", I look forward to resuming the carefree, ever-stimulating life of a full-time student in the creative arts. Being an eternal student is my heart's ambition and delight. With an unsatiable curiosity, I continue to actively learn about the world, enrolling in classes that catch my fancy. 

For the time being, I have no complaints, as my heart is happy. Simply living my life has been an amazing education. I am constantly learning lessons in life from master teachers, who just happen to be my family, friends, co-workers and those I serve. 

"Education is that science which will prepare the human mind to become the fittest and most proper instrument for discovering, applying, and obeying the laws of the Universe." 
~ Mary Lyon, founder of Mount Holyoke College

In 2000, on a lark, my husband and I took a class on Feng Shui.  

We learned that Feng Shui, as taught by Larry Sang, Ph.D. of the American Feng Shui Institute, was a mathematically-based science that is far more profound and logical than we ever imagined.  What does Feng Shui have in common with the differential and integral calculus which became the basis for modern mathematics, co-invented by the great thinkers Newton and Leibnitz and today's computer bits and bytes?  All three originate from the binary calculations of the Yi Jing (formerly spelled, I Ching)!

Feng Shui's logic, abstractness and practicality captured our interest and we began our serious study of the ancient Asian science of traditional/classical Feng Shui, as opposed to faddist Feng Shui, by taking online and weekend classes.  

Delving into the intricacies and complexities of Feng Shui, our interest was fully captured, and with fixity of purpose, we rapidly progressed through the beginner, intermediate and advanced classes. We are putting this ancient science's knowledge to practical use by designing our retirement home according to Feng Shui and green-building principles. 

He is happiest who finds peace in his home.
~Goethe 

I am a reader. 

Profoundly, pervasively, quintessentially, I am a seeker. A knowledge seeker, that is. I am insatiable, ever hungry for mental stimulation.  I am the ultimate bookworm and info addict, with a huge passion for books, words, languages, and knowledge.  May I be mindful, receptive and humble, remembering that the warrior is the forever student, and in fact only an eternal student may eventually become a master.

When I get a little money, I buy books; 
and if any is left, I buy food and clothes."
~ Erasmus

Books remain my security blanket; I never leave home without one. As long as books exist, I'll never need to get high on drugs. Ideas and thoughts do it for me. Voracious reading satisfies my curiosity about life and living.

Among my favorite books are WATCHERS by Dean Koontz (I run into used bookstores to buy up copies to give away);  MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION by Lloyd C. Douglas; THINK AND GROW RICH by Napoleon Hill (think spiritual riches, not necessarily material); HAWAII by James Michener; COMPANIONS ALONG THE WAY by Ruth Montgomery; THE AGONY AND THE ECSTACY by Irving Stone; EAST OF EDEN by John Steinbeck; (not for the faint-hearted): THE IMPERSONAL LIFE (also known as The Impersonal Life: The Little Book in Which Elvis Found the Light: Graceland Edition) -- now online in its entirety here -- and THE WAY OUT by Author Unknown; and TO KILL A  MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee.  Other miscellaneous favorites can be found here.  Each one is a keeper.

As a corollary, I enjoy movies that are adapted from books:  LIKE WATER FOR CHOCOLATE, IMITATION OF LIFE, CHOCOLAT, HAWAII, and THE AGONY AND THE ECSTACY.  

I am a member of Oprah's Book Club.

Updated 5/2003:  I chanced upon the work of Byron Katie:  LOVING WHAT IS and am now quite smitten with it. Its simplicity belies its effectiveness. More on "The Work" by Byron Katie is found here.  

"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body."
~ Joseph Addison

I am a nerd. 

nerd: an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits <computer nerds, book nerds>  Etymology: perhaps from nerd, a creature in the children's book IF I RAN THE ZOO (1950) by Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel) Date: 1951 ~Merriam-Webster

Contrary to the dictionary definition, I possess a modicum of stylishness, but not a whole lot more; I am just okay in looks -- hardly ravishing, but with the help of makeup, not exactly plain. 

The beauty that comes from within -- and its nurturance and enhancement -- is far more important to me that the outer shell.

I am socially ept when I choose to be. Those who think they know me well are surprised, if not shocked, to learn that I am not an extrovert, as my people-oriented job demands an outgoing, outer-directed persona. 

Calculus was my favorite class in college. I studied Physics, Biochemistry, and Organic Chemistry with relish.  

A nerd.  Told you so.

"Don't be concerned about the outward beauty 
that depends on jewelry, or beautiful clothes, or hair arrangement.  
Be beautiful inside, in your hearts, 
with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet charm,
 which is so precious to God."
~ Peter the Rock

I am a born optimist.

No doubt in my mind, heart, and soul: there is a silver lining behind every cloud.  And every cloud is heaven-sent.

I strive to live The Optimist's Creed. When I fail to do so, I am reminded that God is not done with me and I am a work in progress.  

Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something in them.
Look at the sunny side of everything.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others 
as you are about your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on 
to the greater achievements of the future.
Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself 
that you have no time left to criticize others.
Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
~ Christian D. Larsen

Like Leibniz, the German philosopher and mathematician, I find merit in the thinking that "Evil exists, but only to accentuate goodness, one cannot be without the other."  My take on things: God is good and we live in the best of possible worlds, one in which everything is for the best and serves a higher purpose, no matter how terrible it may seem. 

I wear many hats.

I am a health care provider, by profession.  By avocation, I am a reader, healer, teacher/storyteller, gardener, friend of animals, classical and Hawaiian music lover, Hawaiian language student, hula dancer, senior citizen, trusted friend, loving wife and mother, doting aunt and godmother, Web site creator, activist for what is true, beautiful and noble in the world, and dreamer.

Passions elevate the soul to great things. 
~ Denis Diderot 

I am a worker bee.

I adhere to their formula for success: Work with passion. Do more than you are paid for. Go the extra mile.  Give back. Gambaru! (Variants: Gambatte!  Gambaru!  Literal meaning: "to adhere to something with tenacity."  Approximate English translations are "Hang in there!," "Don't give up!," "Do your best!," and "Give it your all!")

The apple that is me did not fall far from the family tree, as I have given every employer I've ever worked for my best effort. Grateful for the privilege and opportunities, I have left every job on good terms.  Making certain that no one was left on a lurch,  I made it a practice to train my successors -- on my time --  before I moved on.  I moved on, and on, and on... 

 Although I may appear like a job hopper from the look of this list, I have been at the same job as a self-employed health care provider for twenty years.   

I've worked as a baker's helper, babysitter, field worker, delivery person, gardener, laborer, drive-in worker, assembly-line worker, phone operator, salesperson, seamstress, barber, laboratory assistant, go-fer, grader, office assistant, office manager, graduate assistant, tutor, psychometrician, state government researcher, federal inspector, teacher, counselor, college instructor, lecturer, story-teller, researcher, administrator, health care provider, and corporate board member, Web site creator, writer, hospice volunteer.

Every work opportunity has been an invaluable gift. Serving as stepping stones to where I am now, they provided me with work skills, attitudes, values and meaningful life lessons. The menial positions have been as important, if not more important, as the 'loftier' positions, as they prepared the foundation for my later undertakings.  Most of all they have helped me to become a whole person without airs or pretensions.

It is clear to me that my 'emotional salary' is far more important to me than any financial compensation. Working ethically and being socially and environmentally responsible are far more important to me than a hefty paycheck. 

I restrict the investments of my time, energy, expertise and resources to those activities that focus on win-win-win “triple bottom lines”: fair profits, people and planet.

Whatever you are, be a good one. 
~Abraham Lincoln  

6/2003: I am magnificently obsessed.

I live a life surrounded by books, but there is just a short stack of books that I can say having touched my soul, made a lasting impact for eternity.  This is one of those books:

My life has been profoundly influenced by the book MAGNIFICENT OBSESSION, written by an Indiana native son, Lloyd C. Douglas (1877-1951), at age 52.  The work, Douglas' first work, was rejected by two major publishers. It was issued by a small religious publishing firm in 1929 and became a huge success, selling three million copies. In the 1930s, Douglas became one of the most popular novelists in the United States.

"Once you've found the way it will obsess you, 
but it will be a Magnificent Obsession."
~ Lloyd C. Douglass, The Robe

I am a country bumpkin, heart-mind-and-soul. 

Growing up way out in the sticks, next to a dense rainforest on a tropical island was one of the biggest blessings in my life.  

It was a peaceful place to just kick back and relax, lie on a hammock under the shade of the hala trees, and dreamily pick out shapes in the clouds. When not exploring the shoreline and its tidal pools, fishing, crabbing, and swimming with the sea turtles, we whiled countless hours away reading stacks and stacks of books of every genre.  We became a family of avid readers.

The Sunrise House, the home of my childhood, Kapoho, Hawai`i

Although I spent my childhood in tranquil, pastoral settings, I have since spent most of my life in suburban and urban environments. I love country living, wistfully yearning and pining at times for an earlier, simpler time: 

I Want to Be Six Again
by Author Unknown

No überconsumer,  I am low key and low-maintenance (my husband and I even cut -- hack? -- each other's hair). I visit malls but rarely.  Instead, I escape the concrete jungle and head for the hills, every chance I get. 

I am drawn to nature.  That's an understatement.  I actively seek it.  I crave it.  I require its solitude. Its silence.

We need to find God 
and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence.
See how nature -- trees, flowers, grass -- grow in silence;
see the stars, the moon and the sun,
how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls.
~ Mother Teresa 

I thrive in peaceful, quiet and dry environments, especially lofty mountains, calm waters, the four seasons, and sunny, open spaces with gentle winds or cool breezes. I languish in high humidity; summer's heat wilts me. Also due to severe mold allergies, as much as I love the beauty of tropical climes, I do not linger long in the summer months. 

One day, when I retire, I hope to "winter-and-spring" in Hawai`i and "summer-and-fall" in the cool mountains of Southern California.

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread,
places to play in and pray in,
where nature may heal and give strength
to body and soul."
~ John Muir

I am in love with a kind, loving, and interesting person, the better half of our marriage. (I am not being modest.)

Dost thou love Life? 
Then do not squander Time;
 for that's the stuff Life is made of.
~ Benjamin Franklin

We were recently described as: "Utterly charming, unassuming people. Down to earth.”  This perception of us pleases me.  

 

Cypress Inn, 2001, Carmel, CA

By profession, DH is a scientist-educator, much loved by his students, a younger, warmer, more easy-going version of Mr.Chips. By avocation, he is a gifted, self-deprecating musician, playing jazz, classical, and slack key guitar with disciplined finesse. In a nutshell, he is an ISFJ (A Protector). Like George Eliot, "I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved."  And DH tells me so, and more importantly shows me so, every day in every way.  I reciprocate in kind. We're good to each other, and we're good for each other. We are true partners. Every day I catch myself smiling in gratitude.

To think, I almost backed out of our wedding due to a severe case of cold frostbitten feet. Disbelieving that a happy marriage was possible for me, I almost blew my chances for a fairy-tale marriage. My father and DH used their love for me as a blow torch to get me walking down that aisle. 

Although neither of my parents were romantics in the least, I am.  My teachers, Chick and Ted, the most loving and devoted couple I've ever known, taught me the art of marriage by example. As they never did, I do not take our marriage for granted.  

"For whenever two or more of you
Are gathered in His name
There is love, there is love."
~ Paul Stookey, The Wedding Song / There is Love

I am a parent.  

Although we have no biological kids, by choice, we are proud parents. Family isn't always what you're born with -- sometimes it's the people you find, sometimes it's the people who find you.

When I was four, my mother laid a newborn baby in my arms, saying, "This is your own little dolly."  I believed her entirely, and regarded my younger sister as my own little girl.

DH and I also share significant parts of our hearts and lives with our extended 'ohana (family in Hawaiian): our two extraordinarily wonderful goddaughters, Samara and Alana S, who, at early ages, lost their father to his first and fatal heart attack at age 40, and their uncommonly devoted mother, Sue, and Jonathan, Samara's husband, our sweetheart godson-in-law.

We are so proud of all of them.  A few years ago, Sue moved down here from Northern California.  Samara and Alana have since graduated from universities in San Diego, where Samara met Jonathan. Now everyone lives within driving distance, and we have  altered our retirement plans of moving back to Hawai`i.  As for many parents, home becomes where the kids are -- and these are our hânai kids.

Samara, Jonathan, Alana and Sue Temecula, CA 2002

Together, as a family, we share a storehouse of precious memories of life's sweetest tastes. We are `ohana.  Update for July 2003:  We are expecting!  Expecting to be god-GRANDPARENTS in February, 2004!!!!   Samara and Jonathan have picked out names for us, grandparents.  Sue will be Tutu Sue -- tutu means "Gramma" in Hawaiian.  DH will be G-pa and I will be G-ma.  Love it, love it, love it.

Children are apt to live up to 
what you believe of them. 
~Lady Bird Johnson 

I am owned by two dogs.

I grew up in a dog-loving family, as did DH.  I am besotted with dogs. I have yet to meet a dog I haven't liked. 

DH and I have been owned by two generations of dogs. We lost our first generation of dogs, Happy and Lucky (aka Hau`oli and Laki), to the infirmities of age.  Years later, we still grieve their passings and miss them more than words can say, while eternally grateful for our all-too-brief time together. 

Three years later, gratitude finally conquered the loss. This summer, I finally opened up the last of my heart's guarded recesses to our second generation of dogs, O and Freddy B. Once more, I am utterly vulnerable.  I am a sucker for dog-stories. My all-time favorite novel is WATCHERS by Dean Koontz, a storyteller par excellence with a remarkably vivid imagination who conveys profound spiritual insights in compelling prose.

"Adopt, Don't Shop"  ~ "Spay...Don't Litter"

One of the novel's lead characters is a heartwarming golden retriever named Einstein, who has been genetically engineered for intelligence. Einstein reasons, intuits, thinks, and communicates, while retaining his sweet, joyful, and loving dog spirit. Not surprisingly I am wholly supportive of dog rescue organizations.

I love animals, period. The humanitarian, Albert Schweitzer, taught me to have a reverence for all living things. My co-workers goodnaturedly laugh at me whenever I relocate a lost spider in our offices, carefully wrapped in a Kleenex, out into the garden where it belongs. 

I am, however, still working on my reverence for mosquitoes. Strongly allergic to their bites' saliva, I slap at them without compunction. No mercy for those thirsty bloodsuckers.  >> Non-violent solutions

Dolphins are also especially dear to me.  We have been privileged to share their watery spaces with them in the wild in Hawaiian waters -- and only at their invitation.  They have been unfailingly gracious and hospitable. I need no convincing: they are a lot brighter than us humans, and certainly, more joyful.

Dolphins frolic. They laugh and smile alot. Their message: live joyfully.

Laughter is a noisy smile! 
~Steven Goldberg 

I am, as is DH, private, behind-the-scenes, quiet-and-efficient kind of folks. 

Although we are involved with our community and neighborhood, we enjoy each other's company most.  

Please don't ever drop in on us unannounced. Living in a suburban area for most of the week, we are beleaguered by solicitors. We don't often answer the door bell. If you are expected, however, you are treated like royalty, as we love putting on the dog for family, friends, and occasional perfect strangers.  

It's that ingrained, old-fashioned Hawaiian hospitality.

Christmas, 2002, Up in the Mountains

We both detest phone soliciting, almost as much as SPAM on the Internet. We both dislike answering the phone, which is an ongoing major disruption in our lives, and a source of contention and mutual irritation.  

Voice mail seems to have created a truce.  

"Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted.
Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world."
~ Hans Margolius

I am a wanderer.

I have called Hawai`i, Indiana, and California HOME during different times of my life. 

One day, DH and I will split our time between the seashore of a Hawaiian island in the winter and the alpine forests of California in the summer.

Moku Ola (Coconut Island), Hilo, Hawai`i, 1998: 
Saying goodbye to Dad... 

I have a yen for traveling and seeing this good Earth. I inherited my wanderlust and curiosity about the world from my grandparents and parents. 

Wanderlust and curiosity has taken me to Europe, Asia, North America, including Mexico, Canada, and most of the states of the US. Italy and the Midwest feel like home to me. New York excites me.  My mother's wanderlust far surpasses my own. She has traveled to almost every corner of the world, to every continent except for Antartica. 

"A Kiss of the Sun for Pardon; The Song of the Birds for Mirth
One is Nearer God's Heart in a Garden, Than Anywhere Else on Earth"

"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey.
We are spiritual beings on a human journey."
~ Stephen Covey

6/2003: I am Heaven's reject.

"All is ONE. ALL is well."
~ Author Unknown

'It' happened over 25 years ago. Back then, I shared 'It" with just a trusted few, realizing that 'It' was a treasure that I could not keep just for myself. Sharing 'It,' however clumsily, with my inner circle of family and friends allowed its effects to go beyond me.  Listening with their hearts, as only loved ones can, they too derived lasting and comforting effects from it, however vicariously. Some found deep personal meaning in 'It," others, hope and sustenance.  

Heretofore, for various reasons, I have kept 'It'  from the world at large.

The passing years have made it obvious that 'It' was an ultimate gift. The time has arrived to let go of any residual inhibition and share 'It'  with others, with you. Besides, I am drawn to 'peculiar' people or 'different ones', being one myself.  And these days, happy to be one.  Perhaps you are as peculiar or as different as me, which makes us very much alike as "birds of a feather..." 

More self-possessed, confident in what is true for me, and caring less about what others may think, these days, I find that I can now speak of 'It' with less reticence.  The potential scorn, disbelief and skepticism no longer intimidate me.  Nevertheless, I do so with no small amount of tentativeness. It is that Hawaiian trait called hilahila (the Japanese call it hazukashii, which is loosely translated as shyness, reticence or bashfulness) peeking through. 

Now in my crone years, I wish to openly share my "heart story" as others have so generously elsewhere. 

Benjamin Franklin said: "Everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."  

None of us escape our destinies as mortal beings, including the most enlightened among us, Christ included.  It doesn’t matter if you are rich, powerful, or influential; you will still die. There is no way to escape death's grip, and death's door is something you pass through alone.

In recent years, those facing their own "mortality" or "near-mortality" have been placed smack-dab in my life's path and I have willingly shared 'It' - or aspects of 'It' -- with them.  For some, 'It' has brought about spontaneous healing; for others, timely and welcomed assurance, direction and comfort.

More recently, since January 2003,  two heart friends have come face-to-face with their own mortality. A few months ago, I lost a hula sister and with those she left behind, grieved her passing while facilitating a graceful acceptance with intercessory prayer. Having dealt with these life issues of late, I now find this to be an opportune time to begin to "Pay It Forward." 

And what is  'It' ?  It is my peek into Heaven.  A glimpse of what is actually Within, Without and All Around Us, if only we have eyes to see.  

The Great Beyond need not be the Great Unknown, and perhaps by openly sharing my experience, I may also share with you the insights, wisdom and courage that I gained from 'It'. Be patient with me, as putting the ineffable into mere words may be my biggest life's challenge. As I said earlier, this narrative will necessarily go through countless revisions in order to best convey 'It' to you in words. One of the advantages of writing Web pages is its dynamism. I will clarify thoughts and add to this ever-evolving narrative as time permits.  Keep checking back...

If you are going through a challenging time and looking for comfort, seeking relief from the fear of the unknown, or simply looking for more meaning, assurance and peace in your life, my experience may perhaps be of help to you.  

It is my hope that it will speak to the depths of your spirit in ways that transcend differences in our spiritual leanings and interpersonal orientations. This sharing may help to deepen your commitment to live according to your higher ideals. God willing, perhaps it may even open you up for your own encounter with the Divine.

Anything is possible.

At age 24, I had what some have called a 'mystical union,' while others have described 'It" as a near-death or out-of-body experience. I simply say: I had these glorious moments of grace -- Amazing Grace -- that said, ‘Look, here’s the Truth.’  For me, it was not an out-of-body experience, but a deep-within experience.  Without going into details: In a span of moments,  I peacefully died and passed through the veil. 

'It' happened spontaneously -- out of the blue and in the twinkling of an eye -- when I least expected it. Note this Web site's blue sky and silver lining backgrounds.  They are consciously chosen for their direct symbolism.

At the time, the words to describe the experience eluded me.  'It' simply could not be put into words.  And now, it is no different, but I will do my best. So here comes the disclaimer: this is a mere mortal's inadequate account of using mere mortal words to describe the ineffably Immortal.

While "there" (terms for place and time do not apply), I was bathed and immersed in God's unspeakably beautiful white light, best -- yet hardly -- described as intensely scintillating, glittering, sparkling, glimmering, all-encompassing and panoramic. For fleeting moments, I was simultaneously showered with gentle yet powerful torrents of profound love, unconditional acceptance, complete forgiveness and spiritual healing.

I felt the Divine's warm embrace and a sense of all-pervading PEACE.  I touched (or was touched by) the face of God and filled with a peace beyond comprehension or description. It has been a lasting peace: "A peace that passes understanding.". 

I was granted the Knowing that everything happens with Perfect Timing, including birth, life, "death" and our return Home.  The simplest, most succinct and clearest of the messages was a two-fold message:  All is ONE.  ALL is well. 

No exceptions.

I was transformed in seconds by The Light. That is when my life began.  My previous life -- and who I was before  --  receded like a dream. 

The call to my soul came from Within, clear and distinct. I heeded it by sweetly and completely surrendering not only my soul, but my heart, mind and body.  Soon I found myself returning reluctantly back to Earth back to Hawai`i, after hurtling at breakneck speed through a bright, flashing and colorful tunnel.  Having tasted Heaven, I knew doing so was one of the bravest actions I would ever take.

That brief encounter with the Divine -- Westerners call it a Christ encounter; Easterners, samadhi  -- has proved to be the most pivotal moment/s in my life. It has been said that "Belief is believing in God. Faith is believing God believes in you."  I was to return not as a dejected student, but one brimming with that faith, enthusiasm, and a sense of urgency to be of real service to people.  

You could say that I am Heaven's reject. I was sent -- in the most loving way imaginable -- back to Schoolroom Earth as a remedial student to complete my assignment. 

I Am Here to Serve

I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say
or what to do, because He who
sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes,
knowing He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.
~ A Course in Miracles, 24 

'It'  was life-changing. Immediately so. Although it was not clear to me then what exactly had happened, my life immediately took radical 180-degree flips and I was nudged onto an unexpected path. 

Ever since, I know without seeing. Ever since, I have been insulated against the doubts and fears that previously prevented me from marshalling the best efforts to be the best spiritual being I could be.  Ever since, I have possessed 'a cellular commitment to honesty.'  

Ironically, this happened at a time when I was at the peak of my intellectual training in the scientific  method, i.e., "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist."  Formally trained and steeped in the sciences, I fancied myself an agnostic. As a reader of Ayn Rand books, I was open and even sympathetic to her thoughts on atheism. That time of spiritual neglect and departure in faith proved to be short-lived.  

En route to a doctorate in psychology before the experience, I switched mid-stream into training for another profession, one that I had aspired to as a teenager but had been summarily discouraged to pursue by a high school counselor.  I was told: "That's a guy's job. How about teaching or nursing?"  He flipped through the yellow pages of the phone directory, and there was the proof:  only male names under the profession's heading. Back then, I accepted his advice unquestioningly and instead took it to heart by seeking an academic career.

I heeded the call to serve and help others see not only with  physical eyes, but with spiritual eyes.  A call to help light the way.

Awakened, quickened, and emboldened, I embarked on a sojourn that required an additional eight years of intense and rigorous study with all the confidence and clear-eyed courage of an intrepid explorer. I began confidently walking my life's intended path, as born.  As meant to be.

I knew my Navigator would not steer me wrong.  To almost everyone else except my inner circle, this change in course was hardly sensible. To me, it came as a natural unfolding, a natural chapter in the next part of my time on Earth. Uplifted, human concerns -- money, house, clothes, luxuries, material possessions --  became incidental. 

Such experiences have become almost matter-of-fact!

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul.
You have a body."
~ C.S. Lewis

"Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them," admonished Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men ... 

When you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will reward you." 

And no, while I may closely listen, I don't hear voices.  Just inner promptings. To "hear" them, I've learned to "Be Still and Know..." I am merely a student who has submitted to conscientious study in this "foreign" place. This Schoolroom Earth. Next time, God willing, I will earn a full graduation back into the Heavenly Realm, which is truly Home.

>> These are my favorite prayers.

"I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life
is best for everyone,
best for both the body and the mind."
~ Albert Einstein

I understand what the ancients mean when they say: "We are One,"  although we may each have different missions and paths. I know that I am no better than the lowliest and no less than the loftiest of us here. I do not proselytize to others. What's my business and faith are my own to deal with, as your business and faith are yours to do the same.

I am, however, a proselytizer to myself, as spirituality requires, at least for me, ongoing and constant upkeep. I have a high-maintenance personal relationship with Jesus, who is my primary role model, compassionate friend and trustworthy Big Brother who knows me completely. He is my refuge when I am feeling "poor in heart." 

I also consider The Buddha, The Dalai Lama, The Saints (especially St. Michael whose day, Michaelmas, is my birthday, September 29), and other spiritual luminaries as wiser and older than me, who like Jesus, are much further along the path, waiting for the rest of us to catch up.

Because of this ecumenical mindset, I strive to respect the faith of others, feel a kinship with all people, and look for reflections of God's face in every face. 

I have gleaned much wisdom from his tenacity, courage, faith, and yes, his trials and tribulations.  >> Listen to Terry Anderson's reading of "Wait for Me"...

The longer I live this life, the more I am humbled. Life is beautifully awesome and filled with the discovery of Amazing Grace. My teachers are everywhere, around every corner, every day!  

"Those who go to Earth are heroes and heroines,
because you are doing something that no other
spiritual beings have the courage to do.
You have gone to Earth to co-create with God.

"You are the difference that God makes"
And that difference is love."
~ Dannion Brinkley

I have a longing for Peace.  I shrink from violence, contention, and tensions. I avoid violent movies or TV shows. I rarely watch the six o' clock bad news. Before I turn in, I do not allow the infiltration of the negativity of the late-night news into my psyche.

I realize that fulfilling my mission on Earth requires a commitment to peace, to love. Knowing that Peace begins with me, just as the song says, I proactively choose peace over gossip, anger, frustration, getting even, being right or holding a grudge.  I prefer to excuse myself from situations that embarrass, demean, or diminish another. 

=  Peace "Let there be peace on Earth And let it begin with me."

"Love in its myriad forms is a portal that leads to a world of peace, happiness and ecstasy. The more we are able to love ourselves and others, the more others can love us. The more we are loved, the easier it is for us to love others." ~Brent N. Hunter

6/2003: I am an examiner.

A while ago, I did a bit of self-examining by taking an online test (ANSIR) that exposed me to me, and now I expose me to anyone who wishes to read up on the REAL me: HEALER / HEALER / PHILOSOPHER. Every line rang eerily true. The profile descriptions are increasingly accurate.

HEALER:

- Avid readers, they prefer non-fiction and biographies to fiction.
- They are keenly sensitive to noise and uncomfortable in messy environments.
-  They have a need for privacy.
-  Their personal and professional ethics supersede those of man and land.
-  For them there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason.
- When they solve problems, they look at its effect and impact on the system as a whole.
- They have a natural talent for any field or endeavour where healing is involved. 

PHILOSOPHER:

 - Generally choose highly-specialized fields and contract out services.
 - Philosophers have an uncanny ability for being on-the-spot when leading edges are sharpened or discoveries unveiled.
 - Characteristically, they suffer an allergy to authority and uniforms, regardless of cut, color or cloth. Asking tough questions, such as “why?” and “why not?” reduces their chances of succeeding hierarchically.
 - Philosophers tend to be the most intelligent, most hard working, and most likely to refute or refuse any policy not in sync with their own. 
-  Wealth or material gain does not motivate them; affording choice does.
 - Philosophers demand autonomy. They tend to captain their own ships and are renowned workaholics. They may only do what they like, but they like doing it a lot, apparently.

If you're not afraid of learning exactly who you are, consider taking the ANSIR test yourself. 

Healing

The unexamined life is not worth living.
~Socrates

"Writing is my refuge. It's where I go.
It's where I find that integrity I have."
~ Charles B. Johnson

Life is like a voyage that is homeward bound.
~Herman Melville 

May your life be filled with gifts, remembering that the best ones are those shared with others,
Author Unknown

P.S. If you would like to share a portion of yourself  with words, in response to this journal entry, you may do it here.

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