Shemp Howard born adorable

Ted Healy born

Moe Howard born ugly as all get out

Moe has nose job, chronic ugliness rages unimpaired

Moe goes blind from seeing self in mirror

Larry Fine born balding

Larry’s hairline begins to recede at alarming rate

Curly Howard born; cries of WOO-WOO-WOO fill maternity ward

Moe’s promising academic career begins

Moe’s promising academic career ends

Larry’s "glass case tap dancing" career ends abruptly as glass case breaks

Curly’s short stint as a race carriage baby ends

Larry drops acid, leading to a stunning debut as a violinist

Moe, Curly and Shemp play to packed basements, earn lots and lots of pennies

Moe cuts hair in a desperate, but ultimately futile attempt to look like John Lennon

Ted and Moe first meet, much like the meeting of Bette Midler and Geena Davis in famous comedy "Beaches"

Moe makes stunning debut in silent film (what’s the name of that thing again?), playing ugly orphan who gets into fist fight with cute star

Shemp and Moe earn cash singing in saloon

Moe commits fraud and steals another mans identity for a job

Gutsy Shemp tells US army to piss off

Curly shoots self in ankle to jumpstart lagging career; resulting "Curly Shuffle" is a smash

Curly marries

Shemp enjoys nearly a decade of physical attractiveness

Ted begins a long and profitable career of financially scalping stooges

Shemp blindfolds Gertrude (Babe) Frank and convinces her to marry him

Moe marries Helen Schonberger

Larry becomes a stooge

Larry marries Mabel Haney

Shemp’s son Morton is born, fortunately favoring his mother

Moe drops out of show business; goes into business for himself

Ted, Shemp, Moe (billed as Harry Howard) and Larry star in famous dramatist Rube Goldberg’s dramatic tour de force "Soup to Nuts"

Shemp invents the two-fingered eye poke

Shemp makes a face, AND IT STAYS THAT WAY!!!! Shemp condemned to ugliness for nearly twenty-two more years.

Shemp quits stoogin’

Curly edges Moe out for worst hair cut

Curly becomes a stooge

Moe’s eyebrows triple in size

Stooges film unfunny shorts with hilarious dance sequences with Ted for MGM

Moe, Larry and Curly finally, and permanently split with Ted

Moe, Larry and Curly become Columbia’s The Three Stooges

Stooge short "Men in Black" nominated for academy award; something else wins. Who cares? It wasn’t the Stooges.

Ted Healy dies; oh woe is Moe

Curly marries Goldigger I

Curly gains few hundred pounds, piteously attempting to look like Jabba the Hut under the mistaken impression that sweet, swingin’ chicks dig that Meatloaf look

Curly marries Goldigger II

Curly suffer massive stroke, the world prays for his recovery

Shemp brings his pretty little face to the screen as a Stooge

Curly finally gets marriage right with Valerie

Curly dies; the world is plunged into abject mourning; millions become atheists

Shemp dies; the surgeon general orders that health warnings be placed on all stooge contracts; the sun is clothed in darkness, earth rotates around Mars; millions died painful deaths; the United States goes into mourning and the inchoate space program is closed down, allowing the Russians (aided by Borge’s secret watermelon intelligence) get Sputnik out before we can say a few syllables

Larry dies, earth stops spinning and falls out of the Milky Way Galaxy and is swallowed by giant space fish

Moe dies, Satan ascends from hell and takes over the planet. Millions become demonic slaves; Satan uses evil power to push the Bee Gee’s to the Top of the Pop’s; few devout souls gather to burn disco records, the world is saved from damnation, yet Moe remains dead

That’s all there is; there ain’t no Moe