"I always go shopping hungry. A compulsive purchase is so much more satisfying than a planned, nutritious one. Who wants to live a long, miserable, bran-chewing life when a brief Tim-Tam and bourbon existance gives so much pleasure! A healthy diet is a recipe for despair and self-righteousness"
Fruit and Vegetables - They look nice on the shelf. I admire and polish them every day and have taken photos of them to put in my wallet. I love vegetables too much to eat them. When they've rotted I use them as cocktail oddities.
T-Bone Steaks - Cows eat grass so I reckon steaks must be packed with fibre. Fibre is good because it helps you to eat another steak sooner. And if you use enough sauce, you get the goodness of at least 3 tomatoes in you.
Coca Cola - This stuff is a whiz for cleaning drains, shining coins and removing unsightly paint from the body of my car.
Jack Daniels Bourbon - To help me fight the depression caused by my drinking problem.
Ski "Honey Buzz" Yoghurt - This is the only yoghurt worth eating because it doesn't taste anything like yoghurt. Yoghurt is sun-curdled milk swarming with bacteria. This is not a desirable flavour. I'd like to see suntan-lotion flavoured yoghurt. Why not block the UVs from the inside?
Nutella - For sex.
Can of Pal - In case Aunty Dawn comes over. After 20 years on the pension, she's developed a taste for the stuff. And now the GST is on its way, I'm buying Snappy Tom in bulk.
Toothbrushes - I always carry a spare. It comes in handy for jabbing into the eyes of people who ask me if I've forgotten it.
Panty Liners - In case Kate Fitzpatrick visits and her dog wees on the floor. They're also useful for soaking up blood at crime scenes. And now they come in lemon picture packs!
Red cordial - Breakfast is the most important meal. Three cups of undiluted cordial gives the kids the energy they need to make it through their busy day. I prefer Cottee's chocolate topping myself - light on the fizz so you can knock it back fast.
