The Doug Anthony All Stars are back in Perth this Saturday and Sunday at The Quarry Amphitheatre for Airport '90. What more can you say? If you're Tim Ferguson, lots. MICHAEL DWYER listens.
"God, I was lucky to get out with my balls intact!"
No, Tim Ferguson speaks not of the death-defying stunts he performs as part of the Doug Anthony All Stars' new Airport '90 show. He refers to a speech he was commissioned to make in Melbourne recently to launch International Arts Week.
"You can imagine how humourless Arts administrators are," he says in his defence. "You know the old saying: Those who can do; Those who can't won't; and the rest administrate. Arts administrators are some of the most cheerless, hapless, bow-tied people on the planet..."
The gist of Mr Ferguson's address, for the record, was that the Arts are a complete waste of money, peopled as they are by fat singing women and drug addicts, and the money presently wasted on them should be redirected to manufacturing bullets for the impending Gulf War.
"Arts administrator: the lowest of the low, the worst of the worst..."
No malice was intended, of course. Tim was only representing his best interests. If you're a comedian, the harsh reality is that a war is far better for business than another Arts grant. Comedy booms in times of turmoil. Frankly, now that Mr Hawke has finally uttered the "R" word, The Doug Anthonies are in clover.
"You bet!" enthuses Tim (the lanky, apparently lobotomised one) "Comedians all over the country are now putting deposits on porches and houses in the country. There's nothing quite like a recession to hurl comedy into boom times. People have got to laugh. Comedy's virtually recession proof.
"Now there's a war coming up things are looking even better for comedians!
"And Bondy's going to trial, that's all good news for comedians 'cause we can write about it 'til the cows come home."
Half your luck. Us print journo types have fairly strict laws forbidding that kind of behaviour... Do the Dougies run their material past legal advisors to detect contempt of court potential?
"Oh no, we sail as close as we like and if someone wants to sue us they're quite welcome to try," Tim says with just a hint of a swagger. "But on the whole I think people think the best thing to do is just leave comedians alone. It's bad publicity to go and kick the head of somebody who makes people laugh."
And make people laugh they do. This is the trio's third visit to Perth since hitting multi-media big time in 1989. Forsaking the cloistered surrounds of His Majesty's for the first time, DAAS go al fresco this time at the spectacular Quarry Amphitheatre, a "venue so good they put it underground and then dug it out again."
"Airport '90 is a huge show, it's a Boeing 747 of an evening," Tim promises. "We'll be re-enacting Peter Brooks' Mahabarata - the short version, that is. His took 45 hours which is just far too long. We'll be doing the concise Mahabarata, and of course a few scenes from the Airport films. I get to play a pregnant Barbara Cartland holding on to a liver which is headed for Idaho. Paul gets to be Charlton Heston admitting he's gay to his mother. It's extremely exciting."
Sounds like the full conceptual theatre piece, yeah?
"Oh no, no. If our concepts last more than 30 seconds they must be very good ones. No, we never hold onto anything for more than a minute maximum."
And the possibility of aircraft actually appearing on stage?
"Well, only if one's passing overhead and has an accident. We can only hope that the QANTAS fish curry will go sour and the pilot will have a fainting attack and ram a plane into the back of the quarry or something, killing the 35 skinheads who will be boycotting the venue boisterously..."
That wouldn't have anything to do with the latest DAAS press statement, would it? "Skinheads are wimps and woosies who can't get girls," it says. "Skinheads are wankers trapped in the bodies of dickheads."
It's controversial statements like that which make every DAAS gig an edge-of-seat (or at the Quarry, edge-of-esky) experience.
Not content with filling that hole on the ground two nights running the All Stars will also do an in-store appearance at Brash's in Murray Street at 2pm Saturday. And Sunday they'll be taking the streets in Hay Street Mall to draw attention to a worthy cause:
"The basic theme is 'Bondy Is Innocent, The Dingo Did It'," Tim explains. "We invite anybody and everybody to join us at the top of the mall and march with us.
"I hope they don't make a martyr of Bondy," he adds with a quavering voice. "The man's been sweating blood for this country for years now. I think it's very unfair - or maybe he should kill himself! The only good martyr is a dead martyr...
"It's Herscu that I really feel sorry for," he adds as I attempt to replace the receiver. "Gives a couple of dollars to a slightly overweight and balding Queensland mate of the Premier's and look what happens! I mean, we sent a few grand to Russ Hinze ourselves! There's no bloody justice..."
