Are Doug Anthony All Stars the Rolling Stones of the '90s? They splutter and threaten to kill Dino Scatena if he pursues that line of thinking.
In those forgotten days of the mid-1970s, a little British outfit called The Rolling Stones tried to cut it in the big time. A lavish tour was planned with the five lads' goal being domination of the US of A.
The focus was to conquer the very conservative deep South of the aforementioned US but the hood-wearing populace had not forgotten the reputation the boys had gained a decade earlier.
With plans of having a 20-foot inflatable phallus popping out of the stage and a song list including the sedate "Starf**ker" made public, the authorities - whose only goal was to uphold the common decency of their God-fearing townsfolk - kept a close eye on these disciples of Satan for the entire tour. On several dates, the phallus didn't erect at all.
Let's jump forward in time a little now. It is some 15 years later. Three young lads - a guitarist, a gorgeous one and a mean one - are back in their own country. They have conquered the world in their own right and on their own terms but have themselves, in turn, gained something of a reputation of being mind-polluting bastards whose only aim is to rape children below the age of five and do big poos on your freshly trimmed lawns.
This underlying goal was misinterpreted as art by the rest of the world but didn't go by unnoticed by the authorities in that state of Queensland - the authorities whose only goal is to uphold the common decency of their God-fearing townsfolk, blah-blah-blah.
"The Queensland cops tend to follow us all around wherever we go," says Tim Ferguson, one of the Doug Anthony Allstars (the threesome in question). "They were following us again on this tour. They never approach us - they just sort of follow us and kept an eye open.
"We don't take drugs - we believe that young people should use their imaginations and their genitals to have fun. But perhaps they believe that we're drug smugglers or that we're terrorists or something.
"We certainly don't change our show when we go to Queensland. People were saying, 'You better watch out about the swearing,' and stuff but the first couple of nights we knew we had cops in there we got 2000 people to scream 'F**k-f**k-f**k-f**k-f**k,' for the first five minutes and that tended to allay any fears the police had that we'd ever break the law.
"But they still follow us around - you can hear their knuckles scraping along, you can hear the snuffling through their noses. Queensland police breathe heavily through their noses."
But DAAS hold no grudges against those Queenslanders who misconstrue their work. "Queensland is just full of geeks and animals," points out the forever diplomatic Tim. "The only times I have been threatened with physical violence have all been in Queensland. I was threatened the other night with violence."
"Fortunately Tim is a Duntroon graduate so it's not a problem," adds Richard Fidler.
"They were four boys sitting around in a drunken stupor and I said, 'Would anyone like to try and hit me'," continues Tim. And I think it's because I used the word 'try' that they didn't actually make any attempt."
The unfortunate incident occurred when he referred to the girlfriends of a couple of Queenslanders as 'silly moles'. "Because they were," points out Richard.
Tim: "Because one of them came up and kicked me in the shins without introducing herself and said, 'How do you make so much money out of being wankers,' and I said, 'You're a silly mole'. And then their men came scraping up to defend her honour."
Richard: "The honour she did have was only 'this' big but it was all she had."
Tim: "I was quite amazed. She must have run from the venue pretty quickly because I'm sure I saw them grazing outside before."
So, with comparisons drawn, the question which begs to be asked: Are the Doug Anthony Allstars the 'Rolling Stones' of the 1990s?
Richard: "Arrrgh... God! I hate the Rolling Stones. The Rolling Stones are so f**ked. They're so f**ked, you can't imagine."
Tim: "We're all in our early 20s."
Richard: "Someone should do those syphilitic f**king dinosaurs a favour and put bullets through their heads. Put them to sleep. The Rolling Stones, my God, the most boring, boring band in the world. Mick Jagger once said, 'To make good rock 'n' roll, all you need is three chords and a lot of energy'. He missed one thing. Talent. Talent. And energy as well, let's face it.
"We did a gig with them - well not with them. But we did a benefit in the UK - we were one of the comedy acts - and the headliners were U2. And they came out on stage - turgid bloody tripe they do; whinging, Christian rubbish - doing 'All Along the Watchtower'. And who should come out and do a guest guitar bit but Keith pumped-up-to-the-eyeballs-with-heroin Richards. Not-using-much-energy Richards.
"Keith staggered out on stage and... You know, he's got a guitar-strap roadie because he can't figure out how to put on his guitar strap properly. And a guy comes out and goes 'Just plug it here, Keith, and over the shoulder, mate'. The he goes, 'Oh yeah'. So that's the Rolling Stones for you. Apparently they were exciting in the 60s. I can't remember - I would have been two."
Tim: "Nothing exciting happened in the 60s anyway. No - we're certainly not the Rolling Stones of the 90s. I think what we'd like to be is perhaps more the Mary-Tyler-Moores of the 90s. She's much better looking and she's a lot younger."
