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The Bulletin, March 13, 1990. By Jan McGuinness
Ruthless exploitation of the ABC to promote himself is but one aspect of Tim Ferguson's campaign in the famous Melbourne seat of Kooyong. Jan McGuinness peered inside his head and found there is a lot of room...
As if Andrew Peacock didn't have enough to contend with, now the shallow, vacuous and pretty Tim Ferguson, one of the Doug Anthony Allstars of ABC TV's The Big Gig, is standing against him as an independent. It is what The Bulletin's Laurie Oakes describes as "a convincing and frighteningly plausible grasp for power".
His colleagues in the Allstars decided that Ferguson had the right credentials to win Peacock's seat. Richard Fidler (the sensitive one) was going to run, but they realised he was too clever.
Andrew Peacock has held Kooyong, the Liberal heartland seat formerly occupied by the late Sir Robert Menzies, with a "mere" nine to 13% majority, Ferguson says. And with 21% of the electorate aged 18 to 25 the Allstars are confident of shaking Peacock from his perch.
"I'd never set foot in Kooyong until the other day so in all honesty I can't change my tactics now. We'll campaign everywhere else, especially in Adelaide where we expect to pick up a few straggling Kooyong people on holiday. They have lots of disposable income, you know. Kooyong is the spiritual home of all real estate agents.
"But there won't be too much campaigning because we don't want to spoil them, unlike our frenetic opponent. Besides, Andrew is never in Kooyong so it would be unfair of us to be there."
As Peacock gets away with living in East Melbourne, Ferguson says it would be hypocritical to move in and pretend he like the place. "In fact I don't. I found the people rude, offensive, rich and arrogant. A lot of them are ugly and old... some don't even have their own teeth."
But how will the Allstars' mix of fascism and filth so familiar to Big Gig viewers go down with the blue rinse set?
"Oh, they like to see a nice young face and we've got three of them against Andrew's one and we don't even have to use Nivea," says Ferguson. "We'll shake their hands, tongue pash their babies, have sex with the old and lonely... do anything to get elected."
Having already enunciated his visionary policies, Ferguson fully expects to be offered the Prime Ministership, or "presidency for life" as he will style it. The theory is that since neither of the lacklustre major parties will achieve a majority they'll have to call on the independents to form a government. Naturally, Ferguson will join any party that promises him the leadership and become a politician in the Fred Nile mould - trite but listened to.
Under the Allstars, Australia will become a military power equipped with short range nuclear weaponry and military service will be compulsory after schooling to ensure that teenagers complete Year 12. There will be realistic university fees to weed out drug abusers, felchers and radicals; the complete evacuation of Tasmania to ensure the safety its environment and an expansion of Australia to balance our abundance of brown and sweeping plains with rolling fields of splendid green, like those of NZ and PNG.
"And we're going to bring Bondie back. It's shameful what's been done to that man, he's like a god to us. He won the Davis Cup and went from being a man with no money to one who is $800 million in debt."
Andrew Peacock won't return Ferguson's calls and John Elliott refused to nominate him, but Ferguson is talking with the Democrats who, after a good laugh, conceded that much can be achieved in a three week TV campaign.
"I said: who else would you give your preferences to but a complete stranger? They liked that idea so we're negotiating."
Meanwhile, Ferguson is noisily confident and overwhelmed by a sense of destiny. At 25 he is the same age as Peacock when he entered politics.
"I too have been likened to a young John F. Kennedy and was a Canberra busker before entering comedy and politics. Before he was a politician Andrew worked at a strange cabaret in Carlton where he sang "I am what I am'."
And there is the suggestion of a special relationship with Liberal Party president John Elliot which, - given the Allstars' history - just might be a ruse for attracting more free publicity.
"Since he left me he's become a shallow shadow of his former self," says Ferguson. "The word is that he's become a terrible kisser and a rotten hugger. If John Elliot is reading this I want him to know there is nothing that can take away from the time we had together."
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