Tim Ferguson is the host of Unreal TV, Channel 10, 8pm Thursdays
Why do you do it?
The Hindus praise Shiva through work, and I like to praise Shiva through work. I just chose something that doesn't actually feel like work.
Would you do it differently if you had to do it again?
Yes. I would never have given back Picasso's Weeping Woman. It's worth a fortune now.
On visa applications, how do you describe your occupation?
Terrorist (retired).
What was the last video you rented?
Goodfellas. It's the only video I ever rent. It's the greatest film of the 1980s.
Are you a dog, cat or budgie person?
I eat them all, I'm not choosy.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
If you're in downtown LA you take a left off the Roosevelt steerpike, get on to highway 82 and drive until you see the first San Jose sign. Follow the signs and away you go.
And how do you get there from Montreal, Canada?
Fly to LA, take a left off the Roosevelt steerpike...
Who was the first person to tell you that you're funny?
I'm still waiting - hint, hint.
What qualities do you bring to Unreal TV?
The beauty of Unreal TV is that it has no definable qualities, so my lack of them isn't noticed.
What are you doing for the Olympics?
Nothing. What have they ever done for me?
You're trapped in an elevator with Bronwyn Bishop and Ernie Sigley - what do you do?
Shoot a porn flick. Bronwyn holds the camera while me and Ernie go for it.
Favourite pastime?
Getting trapped in elevators with Bronwyn Bishop and Ernie Sigley.
You once played Frank N. Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show: what other smallgoods would you like to portray on stage?
I'd like to be in a cabaret act playing Cocktail Frank N. Furter.
Are you jealous of Paul McDermott's success and high profile?
Hey, I'm six-foot-three.
How do you get your hair to do that thing it does?
My hair does whatever it wants to, no matter how much hairspray I put in. And I put in a lot.
Are you an in-the-kitchen-at-parties sort of bloke, or a will-somebody-take-that-lampshade-off-his-head type of fellow?
I'm a hide-in-the-bathroom-spewing-my-guts-out kinda guy.
Is that your real voice?
No. I really have the voice of a Venezualan washer woman, but they don't rate so well.
What were you doing before we interrupted you to ask these silly questions?
I was talking to some bozos on the radio who asked me even dumber questions. In fact, these are looking really clever.
Where's the soap, doesn't it?
Is that supposed to be some kind of JOKE!?
What are you up to for the rest of the day? This isn't a Green Guide grill question, it's just small talk.
Oh, I haven't prepared an answer for that. Can I call you back later?
