POLLIE SPEAK

Woman's Day, 1998 In the run-up to an election, politics is not about saying what you mean, but what you think the public wants you to mean, as author and performer Tim Ferguson explains. Here is his translation of pollie-speak... "There's no such thing as a free lunch." Please buy me lunch. "Our party stands for the battlers." No battlers stand for our party. "We'll create jobs if we are elected." We'll have jobs if we are elected. "We recognise there is scepticism about politicians." I think they're on to us. "Australian voters are highly intelligent." How smart can they be if they elected me? "We can avoid the global recession." Hey kids, there's a pig flying over the quadrangle! "Vote for the devil you know." I am the son of Satan. Trust me. "Australia is not a racist society." But... "The GST is good." The GST is evil. "We are listening to the public." We are saying whatever you want to hear. "We are not scared of One Nation." I need a new nappy. "The GST rate will never rise." The GST rate is already too high. "I have a plan." I have a new tax plan. "This tax rebate is sensible and affordable." Quick! More pork! More barrels! "This election is about tax reform and globilisation." This election is about kissing babies and having tea parties in kidergarten sandpits. "I want to go to work for the Australian people." How about that free lunch? Tim Ferguson is the author of the bestselling political satire, Left, Right & Centre. He is currently starring as Frank'n'Furter in The New Rocky Horror Show at Star City, in Sydney.