'THAT BEAUTY IS BETTER THAN BRAINS'
DATE: 1993
VENUE: State Theatre - Sydney
CHAIRED BY: Campbell McComas
AFFIRMATIVE TEAM: Tim Ferguson (Team Captain), Wendy Harmer, Margaret Scott
NEGATIVE TEAM: Jean Kitson (Team Captain), Ita Buttrose, Lex Marinos
INTRODUCTION BY CAMPBELL MCCOMAS:
...Instead we have an adorable performer who is splendidly splenetic. One reporter described the persona of the Doug Anthony Allstars as a well rehearsed, pseudo intellectual whirlwind. But from the sons of Canberra bureaucrats, what can you expect. From Tim Ferguson, quite a lot. With appearances on the Big Gig and DAAS Kapital under his belt, he belted off to England to give the Poms a belting. From the Edinburgh Festival to Channel Four, audiences have paid him the Allstars highest compliment of being booed off the stage. Back home he stood against Andrew Peacock on the platform that he was more gorgeous, or less ungorgeous. Well, I don't know about a beautiful mind, but who's a pretty boy?! To open the case for the Affirmative, that beauty is better than brains - Tim Ferguson.
TIM FERGUSON'S SPEECH:
I must say, before I begin, what a terrific pleasure it is to be here in a room filled with so many beautiful people. Today we're going to witness a battle to the death between brainwaves and bimbos; boffins and belladonnas; Buttroses and rosy butts. Is there anything... is there anything to actually argue about today. I think this debate is finished before it even begins. Even a monkey can tell you that beauty is better.
However, it comes down to a simple matter of choice. If you were given a choice, which would you choose: a brain the size of a pea and the body of Elle McPherson, or a brain the size of a planet and the body of a bush pig. Of course, we're all going to choose Elle McPherson's body. I can see some wowsers from Darlinghurst in the crowd saying, "The brain, the brain! I can go to Darlinghurst cocktail parties and amuse my friends." If you look like a bush pig you won't have any friends! Come on. Settle down. Don't become a rabble. That's right, you'll be about as popular as Alan Jones at a Channel Ten ratings party.
(Looks over at Jean, then says in a soft, embarrassed, flirtatious voice) Jean. Jean... Stop it. Don't Jean. (Normal voice again) Sorry.
Beauty is a survivor, a long term survivor. Brains are just a glitch. I mean, they're just a bulbous, pustulant zit on the smooth, sexy, silky skin of history. Brains are a recent invention. They're a gimmick. You see, a million years ago we were all in the trees and everybody was happy. Everything was fine. Nothing to do but eat, eat, eat, root, root, root, eat, eat, root, root, eat, root. I think I'll eat. No I'll root. Will I eat or root? I know! (makes thrusting movements with his hips, whilst pretending to eat) Life was easy. There was no school, there was no work, no other inventions of the brain. Nothing to do but sit around and listen to Barry Manilow write the very first song. Let's not show our age too early. I mean, sure, the girls had a bit of a facial hair problem, but this was the dawn of time. You couldn't afford to be too choosy.
And then along came someone with a brain. Da dum. And what did they bring with them? Pollution. The H-bomb. Nerve gas. Toxic waste. Sale of the bloody Century.
(He sees Jean out of the corner of his eye again and uses the soft, flirtatious voice.) Jean... I'm on TV. Don't. (Clears throat)
Now, in the places where beauty is supposed to take charge and rule the roost, this is what happens. Brains just lie around and fall all over the place. The simple fact is, from my school days we had two smart kids in our school. Only two, we lived in the country. Alexander Macintosh and Lucinda Barnsdale. Now these were very smart kids. Alexander, bright boy, the body of the Michelan Man and the fashion sense of a Baptist Minister. Lucinda, smart girl, eyes of a ferret and the legs of a pensioner. Eventually the pensioner complained, she had to give them back. But these were smart children.
Now you would think school is the home of the brain and so they would have ruled the roost. Fat chance. The King of the school was a boy called Shag-a-lot Cooper. Built like a condom full of walnuts, tall, blonde, beautiful. The body of Craig McLachlan and the brain of... Craig McLachlan. And the Queen of the school, ah yes, Cynthia Holdback. She had more curves that a piece of melted Cebel furniture. She was beautiful. They called him Shag-a-lot because he did, they called her Holdback... because she didn't. Not a braincell between them and they ran the place like the Nazi party. Alexaaander and Luciiiinda... were the sucks. The greasers, the butt lickers, the teacher leeches. The only place their straight A's and high IQ's got them was face down in the dunny with a mouth full of dick sh-tionary... Because they were smarter than us we made their lives an utter misery. Our lives were better. Better!
(Flirtatious voice again) J - Jean. Please. Please. Alright. That's it. Stop the clock. Stop the clock Campbell. Stop it. Jean please. Please. It's really hard if you're just going to sit there making eyes at me all the time. I can feel them. Every lash is a lash (makes whipping noise). Every one knows that Jean Kitson must be perhaps the most beautiful woman in this whole Nation. (Jean pulls something out of her bag) Jean. Is it mace? Everyone knows how beautiful Jean is. It doesn't take much effort for her to stay so. (Jean pulls out some dental floss) Get the ones at the back. And I've been standing here and Jean has been constantly undressing me with her eye-teeth. I can read your filthy mind, Jean. I know what's going on in your mind. I don't even like gerbils, so forget it. I'm an officer and a gentleman. (soft voice) Little flirt. Grrr.
Now, Charles Darwin, the father of evolutionary science stated the primary incentive for reproduction is physical well being and attractiveness. Intelligence in no way figures in the mating of any creature on Earth - Charles Darwin. And there's proof. The peacock has its tail, the reindeer has its antlers, the baboon has Alexander Downer's face on its butt. (kisses fingers as he speaks) Moi moi moimoimoimoi. (fills his cheeks with air, imitating the baboon) What a way to look at the world! IQ just doesn't come into breeding.
'Oh sure', you might say, 'What about pigs, pigs are ugly.' But are pigs really ugly? Are we not just being a little bit pigist? I mean, what does one pig find attractive in another pig? I know what I find attractive in pigs. I like their lusty flirtatious eyes, their soft warm skin, the way their trotters struggle against the gaffa tape. The way their little tails tickle my nose in the morning. There are so many things that are beautiful about pigs. (Audience giggles timidly) I love these Sydney crowds. A farmboy as I said. Pigs are a genetic success story because they see the inner beauty in each other.
And finally, beauty is a winner. And how do we know? When Andrew Ettinghauser scores a try in the last thirty seconds of the Grand Final, do we all jump up and scream: 'Oh you intellectual giant. You irrepressible Einstein. You genius. Show us your $300 000 pecker!' No. We leap up and cry: 'You bloody beauty!' We cry 'beauty' when we win. Beeeaaaaauuuutyyyy... when we prevail. This is the human race, and it is a race that beauty is winning. Because beauty is better than Ita!
TIM FERGUSON'S REBUTTAL:
Lex, Bronwyn Bishop and Warwick Capper do run the country. Here they are. (Holds up a barbie doll and a plastic brain) Beauty (shakes the barbie doll) and the beast (shakes the brain). Barbie and the blob. Do you seriously consider getting butt naked and indulging in a bit of the old tongue tango with this pudgy piece of prudish party pooping pumpkin pulp. And yet, over here (indiates the Negative team) we've been hearing some lovely things.
Particularly from Jean. We started with the beautiful, beautiful, sumptuous Jean. I'm sorry, I've got to admit I didn't actually listen to a word Jean was saying. I can see everyone was just drifting off staring at her beauty, it's very hard to concentrate. Ita is a very foxy lady, but even Ita next to Jean looks like Bert Newton in a wig. Sorry Ita, it's Jean's fault, don't go blaming me. (Audience boo and hiss slightly) That hissing noise, just block that hole. Control yourselves. If we want Jean to win today, and God knows I certainly do, it's because we've been seduced by her beauty, we've fallen into her beauty trap.
Then, of course, we had lovely old Ita. (In a high pitched barbie voice, whilst waving the barbie doll in front of Ita) Hi Ita. How's it going. (Ita goes to pour water on him) Oh thanks. Careful, you'll get the barbie wet. (Normal voice again) Ita. Scrumptious Ita. Why, I Ita! Ita is the smartest woman in Australia, and what has she built her empire upon? Beauty! And yet, she stood up there today and she fibbed. Fibbed and fibbed and fibbed. Sucking us all in with a sickening subterfuge. Yes, nothing is what it seems here today, my friends. Is it... (looks accusingly at Ita) Bert!
Then we had good old Lex. Lex. The shining wit. Shining wit. Or would Reverand Spooner have pronounced that differently. The fact is, yes the Greeks invented beauty. They also invented the Olympics and I didn't see Robert de Costello running in the spelling bee.
But I have a confession to make to you today, my dear friends. This face that got me where I am today is not my real face. It's only through strenuous effort of my facial muscles that I actually maintain this pretty facade. I'll now relax my facial muscles and you'll see the real Tim Ferguson. (Makes a hideous face) You may have seen me shopping at Franklins or on the panel of the Footy Show. (Makes his face normal again). But it's this (points to face) that got me where I am today. This. The face that launched a thousand hips.
Today we have a decision. Yes Australia. Do we want to just be overgrown turds from elephants with delusions of grandeur (looks at and shakes the brain) or do we want to be blonde bombshells with campervans, boyfriends and Ph.Ds in astro physics? (shakes the barbie doll) The choice is yours!!
THE DEBATE WAS AWARDED TO THE AFFIRMATIVE TEAM
