'THAT LAWYERS HAVE LOST THEIR
APPEAL'
DATE:
N/A
VENUE: World Congress
Centre - Melbourne
CHAIRED BY: Campbell McComas
AFFIRMATIVE
TEAM: Tim Ferguson (Team Captain); Lisbeth Gorr;
David Lange
NEGATIVE
TEAM: Penny Biggins (Team Captain); Ross Harper;
Peter Moon
INTRODUCTION BY CAMPBELL MCCOMAS:
"For the
Affirmative: Tim 'Phallonious' Ferguson (Team
Captain)... Tim Ferguson has always been appealing.
Visually, his baby-faced looks has seduced many a High
Court Justice; and verbally, his bare-faced cheek has
been the subject of massive and endless litigation,
exhausting all the profits he was hoping to make from
his current National Tour. While his fellow members of
the Doug Anthony Allstars remain constantly behind
bars, Tim props up the bars of theatres everywhere. To
open the case for the Affirmative, That Lawyers
Have Lost Their Appeal, Tim Ferguson."
TIM FERGUSON'S
SPEECH:
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, honoured
guests, members of the jury... m'lord... let's not
mince words. Todays debate is not a game. It is a
trial. And to prove that there is no hope
whatsoever for the accused, Lisbeth Gorr the
splendiferous spunkrat of sport, and David Langey, the
esteemed and steamy former Prime Minister of a country
whose name eludes me at the moment... and myself, will
present damning evidence that lawyers have indeed lost
their appeal. They've lost their appeal, they've lost
their way, they've lost their sense of justice, and
one of them has lost their BMW keys... (takes set of
keys out of pocket and throws them off the side of the
stage).. forever.
Now the only contention our team has with
todays topic is that we don't believe lawyers had any
appeal in the first place. Let's just look at the
great triumphs of lawyers over the years... To start
with, the trial and jailing of Nelson Mandela. That
was a good one. The trial and burning at the stake of
Joan of Arc, was a crackling good time... The Spanish
Inquisiton... and of course, the Guildford Four..
Lawyers lied and cheated to accuse them of IRA crimes
they did not commit. Good God people, Daniel Day Lewis
nearly died.
Lawyers have lost all kinds of appeal
throughout the years. Chiefly, they've lost their
financial appeal. I mean, lawyers they're just like
prostitutes. They charge like wounded bulls, they
never refuse a client, the only difference is there's
less heavy lifting involved. And every day, lawyers
don't just laugh their way to the bank, they sing,
they dance, they click their heels, they do
cartwheels, handstands - Mind you, no handstands from
the kilt-wearers in the opposition this evening, there
are children present. Lawyers have rigged the law in
their favour. Bad lawyers go to Parliament where they
make bad laws. This way good lawyers can make a
fortune unravelling the bad laws, this can go on for
centuries, and it has.
Lawyers have lost their legal appeal. Family
lawyers organise divorces. Business lawyers sue other
businesses out of business. Criminal lawyers defend
murderous theives and cutthroats. When Charles Manson
was accused of vicious atrocities that he happily
confessed to, it was a lawyer that leapt up and said:
'What's he done? Nothing!' That's because lawyers are
liars.
Lawyers of course have lost their medical
appeal. It's true, lawyers are just plain bad for your
health. Christopher Skase was fine, very
healthy. He had a half hour lunch with his lawyers,
next thing you know the poor bugger's in a wheelchair
acting like Darth Vader sucking oxygen out of a tank.
Alan Bond was a bloody genius! His mates used to call
him Brainman, half an hour with the lawyers - (clicks
his fingers) Rainman. (Rainman impersonation) The
were 42 matches in the box, I can't recall a thing, I
can't recall a thing. And, of course, the whole
country is watching John Elliot's health with great
interest.
Lawyers, of course, have lost their sex appeal.
I think it's going to be a long time before we see
Cosmopolitan's: 'Luscious Lustbuckets of the
Law' Calender. Monday: Whoahoa.. here he
comes now girls, sexy Rumpold of the Baileys shake it
Rumpy, bit of rumpy pumpy there. Tuesday: Hold
yourselves back, Frank Gelbelly's potbelly... mmm,
nice rubbing there... Wednesday: Sexy pics of
Judge X saying: 'there's nothing wrong with wearing
wigs and frocks and hanging 'round in men's clubs.'
Sure, Judge, unless you live in Tasmania.
Thursday: Star of the Pelican Brief, Miss Julia
Roberts. Ahh, I suppose you could call her sexy, if
you liked the shocked whippet look. Myself, I think
Humphrey Bear would have been better in the role. At
least he keeps his trap shut. Friday: Tom
Cruise, star of The Firm. The Firm... hmm.. if
Tom's IVF program is anything to go by, he's anything
but. It's gotta hurt a little. And then on
Saturday, we have sexy Chris Murphy. Hot. Not!
And Sunday, Janus. Now, of course, in
the fabulous ABC production about lawyers called
Janus, we see what scumbag and filth lawyers
really are. Now, they actually wanted to call Janus
something more appropriate, but the ABC legal
department... kicked up a stink, of course, so they
kept the original name, and just tacked on a 'J'. And
of course, the idea of having the character Janus
given the first name of Hugh was ruled out in a
similar fashion. Are you with me, Australia, are you
with me?? Yes, they're catching on.
Speaking of sex, of course, it's been said a
thousand times: the only difference between a sperm
and a lawyer is the sperm has a one in five hundred
thousand chance of becoming a human being.
Now I can see some people actually looking at
members of our team and thinking 'wait a second,
Lisbeth Gorr... wasn't she a lawyer before she became
a goddess, and David Langey, wasn't he a lawyer before
he became a Prime Minister..?' Well, you're quite
right, Libby was a lawyer. And the shame of her
crimes left her a wreck. A physical and spiritual
weakling barely able to even pick up a pencil! And
David Langey was a lawyer, but that was only in New
Zealand, where the only crook are the ones you use to
haul the sheep closer. My colleagues have reformed,
they have reformed. It is from them that you will hear
terrible tales of the skullduggery of the law, and it
is from our team that you will learn the eternal
lesson: Lib (gestures at Lisbeth Gorr), Langey
(gestures at David Langey), and Prosper (makes Star
Trek hand sign).
You, my friends, must decide today what we are
to do with these culpable culprits of the law, with
those pusillanimous pirates of perdition, those
pompous predators of the poor and pathetic, those
pious and preposterous perpetrators of palpable
poppycock, those perverse and peevish pickpockets
whose prime principle is 'pump up the payment or piss
off!' They're nothing more, nothing more than a
prancing pack of ponces, a pitiful and putrid
pestilence, a pungent pageant of pernitrous,
patronising popinjays and purple poxy parapertanic
pricks!
Today, my friends, you are the Judge, the Jury
and the Executioner. We have no doubt that you will
decide that lawyers have indeed lost their appeal. But
you may also decide that lawyers are not guilty. And
you may be right. Afterall, they'd need a conscience
to feel guilty."
TIM FERGUSON'S
REBUTTAL:
"Well. I have to say, I've been conferring with
my lawyers in the corner there... (robotic voice) and
my mind has gone completely blank. I can't remember a
thing, I didn't keep any notes, I didn't keep any
books, and I've developed a fear of flying.
But some things do stick in my mind like some
of the wussiest, trashy, gutless arguments I've ever
heard in my life! Good Lord people! First we had wussy
argument number one from Penny Biggins QC. My God, yes
of course, I've been looking at it the wrong way!
Lawyers are luscious, lovely, gentle people, they're
like human doonas! It's absolutely true, and Bronwyn
Bishop is a spunk, and Iraq is peaceful and Danni
Minogue has a lot of talent. And Elizabeth
Taylor, is still a virgin.
Then, of course, we had wuss argument number
two from Rrrrross Harper. The last Tory in Scotland.
Ross, no wonder you came out here, the Conservatives
aren't too popular in the north. You didn't manage to
bring a translation, did you, because, frankly, I
couldn't understand a word you were saying, I'm
sure it was lovely, it's just that Esperanto hasn't
quite taken off in Australia yet, but you give
us some time... Mind you, we all love the kilt, I mean
you look fantastic there. I'm sure everyone across the
nation, across the globe is wondering what
you've got under there. It's got to be a shorty.
There's only one Langey in this room, and he's on our
side. And just between you and me, Rrrrross, argh
(insert unintelligble words) yer Macleans are
showing... (bends to look under desk) and that's not
all.... But frankly, your story about the jail didn't
quite terrify me. 'Six foot two, eyes of blue.' Well,
(indicates self) Six foot three, I'm quite horny...
and Campbell better run aweeee... Settle down, you're
becoming a mob.
Then we had wussy, conservative argument number
three from Peter Moon QC. Now you may not know this
but Peter is, in fact, a professional debater. That's
right people, you look cheated. Peter is in this for
the money. He doesn't believe the claptrap he's
been coming out with. The simple fact is that no-one
on our side is accepting a red cent for being here
today (looks at team, who look guilty).
I've just actually remembered, there is an
international law conference happening right here in
the World Congress Centre, is there not? That's right,
there are over a thousand lawyers in this building
right now. Which probably explains why I saw a bloke
outside with a wig and a gown with his foot in a pile
of dog poo going: I'm melting, I'm melting. And
as I look around this room now, I see that the place
is riddled with lawyers. Yes, those who don't want to
clap at the front are just jiggling their BMW keys.
Good Lord, the first time in human history when
lawyers finally get to be judged before the people and
they try to rig it. Well, I think I speak for all
people in Australia, when I say to all the lawyers in
the room: Make like a duck with a rash, and stick your
bill up your butt. And if you don't like that you can
sue me!
Camp-bell, ring your damn bell. The Prosecution
rests."
THE DEBATE WAS AWARDED TO THE AFFIRMATIVE
TEAM.
