"Eehhhh, thank you thank you thank you thank you. Now look, don't get us wrong over here, we're into sex, but we're also into sport. We love sport! Spooooorrrt sport sport sport sport sport sport sport sport... This is Australia and sport is very Australian.
Sport is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, it's better than caaaffeee laaatteees because you don't need your head up your arse to enjoy it. We like sport!
However, in the whole sport/sex connection, the only advantage that sport has over sex - as any husband will tell you - you can get sport anytime. However, sex feels better, it smells better, it tastes better, and it looks better, and if you are faking it properly it sounds a hell of a lot better. The only thing you can face in sport is an injury: 'aww, me ankle's gone!' and then no-one believes you. If you fake in sex, people wanna believe you.
Now, of course, we are Australian so we talk about sport all the time. Sport sport sport sport sport sport sport. But we don't think about it. I mean, when you're sitting on a bus and it stops at the lights and it's going 'blag belahg blahg blag' (makes bus engine noise), you are thinking about sex, ladies and gentlemen! Before this show is finished, the average person in this crowd will be thinking about sex two hundred and twenty times, count them. One, two, three, four... Well don't count them, but you undersand what I mean!
No, we just lie around and think about sex all the time. Jennifer Aniston spanking Brad Pitt. Prince Edward spanking Sophie. Tarzan spanking the monkey. Gwyneth Paltrow spanking... shit everybody! Sport is, in fact, really just a substitute for sex. It's the sex you have when you're too boring, ugly or stupid to actually get sex.
And everybody in this country who plays professional football, we know as a nation, is gay. It's a gay thing playing footy! Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just a gay thing, and why not fellas. Now you're out there just go wild! I mean, look, you have Dencorub thigh massages, you have blokey antics in the showers with wet towels: 'There ya go Macca' (imitates flicking someone with a towel). You have "initiation ceremonies"... otherwise known as "sodomising each other"... (does air quotation marks with fingers). It's all about denial, and I don't mean the Egyptian river, ladies and gentleman. And there is a very good reason why the coaches whip up their teams by saying: 'Let's get out there... on the field. There's fifteen blokes out there, who "play for the other team..."' (does air quotation marks again).
Now... There's no sex during football, is there Pete (directed at Peter Fitzgerald on the opposite team), cos there's no time for sex. A bit of a fondle in the scrum, maybe, but that's it! There's plenty of time for footy during sex.. you just turn up the TV (makes thrusting movements, whilst pretending to turn up a television and watch sport): 'I love you, I love you (directed at wife)... come on!! (directed at television)'.
Now just to be absolutely sure, I had sex on the way here this evening. And it was terrific! And on the other hand... it was terrific! On both hands... it was still terrific! I did not have to go out on a pissing down, rainy Saturday afternoon wearing nothing but nylon stubbies, a mouthguard and a mullet cut. I didn't have to call up twenty of my mates and say: 'get down there', just to get started. No way, I just pulled over to the side of the road... got out a picture of Amanda Vanstone.. and went for it! Of course, it might have been a little bit more discreet if I hadn't been riding just my bicycle at the time... but I regret nothing!
Sex has so many advantages over sport. I mean, you can do it again and again and again and again and again. You can do it 'til your knees give way, the bone starts to come through on your elbows, and your tongue's worn down to the stump! With sport, you do it once, and you're buggered. With sex, you do it once, and if you feel like it, you're buggered!
And there's no coaching in sex, it's all instinct, it's all gut instinct. You know, when you're making deep, sensual, purposeful love, the last thing you need is Kevin Sheedy leaning in going: 'Come ooonn, what are you son, get into it, get into it! You call that cunnilingus??'
There are no referees in sex. You know, just when you're in the last stretch, you're starting to hit your vinegar strokes, the last thing you need is the referee coming in going; 'Sorry, headhold, break it up, break it up..." You don't have a hundred and twenty thousand punters going: "awww, in the back! In the back!"
Now, Wendy, you said that the Olympics are the best sport you can ever possibly get. If that's the best sport you can ever possibly get, you are in real trouble. Who had the great idea to invite people from Roma, Paris, Milano, New York, London... and bring them all the way down here to (nasal voice) Homebush. Homebush. That's like inviting all your really groovy, cosmopolitan friends and having dinner in (nasal voice again) the toilet.
For those that don't know, Homebush - it's the kind of place where, if you're having your fourth baby, you're just about old enough for year 12! Good to be back, good to be back. If you're going to have it in Homebush, you may as well have the marathon running through somewhere like Werribee or Mount Druitt. You know, give all the marathon runners little flannelette shirts so they can go through, and throw away the water bottles and give them all stubbies. And the locals can give them drug tests: (stoned voice)'Test this one mate, it's from Byron Bay, it's great....'
And the big, final question about the Olympics is: (Tim sings to the tune of I Still Call Australia Home and sways his arms in the air in time) 'How will be all be together at the Games, if it takes Sydney Airport ten years to land the planes...' (Tim stops and looks over towards the desk where Greg Fleet is making his way towards him with a bucket) Oh, sorry, halftime. (grabs an orange half from the bucket) Thanks mate. (Greg Fleet pats him on the back encouragingly as Tim sucks the juice from the orange then spits it back into the bucket) Thanks Fleety.
What has sport contributed to our society? Well, it's given us the sports bra which is the only under garment
that you need a can opener to get into; It's given us the sports car, which is the only vehicle that you need a can opener to get out of. And we hate, we hate people who play sport, don't we? That's why we stand at the footy and we say: 'You mongrel! You flat-footed woolly-wussted mongel! We hope you die! (starts chant, arms waving in the air) We hope you die, we hope you die.' We don't stand at the footy saying: 'You're a really interesting person!'
If it's a choice between a footy boot and a good old root, you can blow that whistle, Ref, you can blow that whistle right out your arse! Give me sex, or give me deeeeaaaath!!!!"
