Now, look people, I don't know what you think... Are there any sports heroes in the room? Anyone who was always good at sport. Who everybody loved, who everybody had sex with, who was good at sport? Are they here? No. They're collecting Coke cans at the MCG.
You're all the clever people. Don't you remember when your mum used to say to you: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game darling." Sure she was sobbing when she said it, but she meant it.
Look at our winners, there is no point to winning. Winning gets you nothing in the long run. Look at Kieran Perkins. What has he got. You know, years and years of hard training, hard slog. (Mimes doing laps in a swimming pool and banging head against pool wall on doing turns.) (In dumb jock voice) "Aww, gee gotta turn around... (bangs head again) Aww, gotta turn around..." You know, years and years of this, of putting his blood and his guts into it, and what can he do? (Dumb jock voice again)"I can write my name on my milk..." He gets nothing!
There are many times losing is preferable to winning. Japan lost the Second World War, and yet look at them now, they went on to become an economic superpower. Where are we, the winners? (In a pathetic voice) "Aww, we're still having some fun times." Germany lost the Second World War, went on to become the financial engine room of Europe. Saddam Hussein lost the Gulf War, went on to make safari suits and tarantula moustaches fashionable.
When I grew up, losing was everything. In Blainey, little town called Blainey, NSW. Blllaaaaiineeey... Blainey, losing was everything. Okay, you go out, you lose your licence, you lose your mind, you lose your consciousness, you lose all control of your bodily functions.... and then you've won the dare....
Winning is everything, are you serious? Tell that to the Kamikaze pilot who survived every mission. Yeah, happiest loser I know.
Winners are all very well, and they're terrific and we kinda like them on our Uncle Toby's Ads, but it's losers that make really good television. Like Neighbours. No no no no, what I mean is, like look at the Oscars. Yeah, sure, we want to see Italian Roberto... "I got no English, I got no English." You know, har har har. What we want to see are the losers with their shit-eating smiles. "And the Oscar goes to Gwyneth Paltrow." Close-up of Meryl Streep (In a strained, teary voice and face) "I'm so happy, oh I'm so happy for her, that's just great, I'm so fucking happy."
Now, we want to lose today, don't we boys (looks at teammates Greg Fleet and Lewis Schaffer). That's why we brought Lewie along. We want to lose so we can set a good example to you guys. We want to lose, because when we do, we'll have a bit of a cuddle, bit of a kiss, we'll tell each other it doesn't matter... And then we'll blame the bloody Yank.
When the Olympics finally happen in this country, has anybody thought what would be the chief consequence of victory at the Games? Has anybody ever sat down and thought: 'Oh my god, we're in real trouble when we start winning gold gold gold gold gold gold gold at the Games. It's going to be a travesty, it's going to be a nightmare, and will happen again and again everytime we win gold. Oh yeah? Don't know what it is? Hit it boys! (Advance Australia Fair starts playing whilst Tim clutches at his head in agony) Oohh... Oh please... No... Oh God... I mean play Hazy fans, play Hazy.. Play Song for Guy by Elton John... Play Daryl Somers singing with Julio Iglesias. What's going to happen is what always happens. Kieran Perkins will be standing up there, he'll have won and the flag will come (sings intro of the Anthem) 'Ba ba...' Tears will be running down his face. Tears of guilt, ladies and gentlemen.
Look, we're all comedians here. Australia, girt by sea, pissed by lunchtime. We're all comedians. We're all comedians after our own fashion up here. And the bottom line is, if you're a comedian, by definition you are bad at sport (picks up a plastic cup and throws it to Greg Fleet who misses it). Hopeless.
Now, Jean, you mentioned sperm, the sperm race, first race that we all win. Everybody here is a winner because we all won the sperm race. But are you sure that everybody you've ever met or seen, should have won that race?
To many people sex is everything. Of course, you can't win sex, sex is unwinnable. Although, unfortunately for the girls, boys do tend to cross the finish line first.
Footy is everything. It's everything to me, but the players pay a terrible price in football. They get hamstring injuries, get their brains bashed in... They go out with stupid, airhead girls who think that Leonardo da Vinci is (in an airhead voice) "That really cute guy from Titanic." They have to sing: (In dumb jock voice again) "I get knocked down, but I get up again... And I get knocked down again, and I get up again... Then I do my hamstring, get a groin injury... Then I do a pressed ham out the bus... Then I get thirsty... crack on to a girl called... Kirsty... she gets knocked up... And I get knocked down..." You know, round and round and round, the poor men! That's not victory, it's misery.
Now, God doesn't mind losing. He is the great shephard who doesn't mind if we stray. God's the sort of bloke who says: "You know, I don't look upon it as losing a sheep, I look upon it as gaining a New Zealand son."
To a hungry man, food is everything. To a lonely man, love is everything. To Peter Costello, your money is everything, plus 15%. Bastard!!
Winning is okay, winning is pretty good, winning is something... But if it means we all have to
(Dumb jock voice again) 'Write our name on our milk', you can keep it! Winning is on a hiding to nothing!
