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"THE REEKING REIGN OF HEAD CHEESE"
Part One
Written By: Bob Forward
Produced By: Tom Tataranowicz
Directed By: Tom Tataranowicz
Executive Producer: Rick Ungar
INTRODUCTORY SUMMARY NOTE
"The Reeking Reign of Head Cheese" is the first of the multi-part episodes of "Biker Mice," and is one of the best. It answers many of the unanswered questions raised by the first episode. We find out more about the Plutarkians, and meet their "High Chairman", Lord Camembert. On top of that, we see just how far Limburger’s ambition can carry him with an original (and highly implausible) scheme to make himself mayor of Chicago. Plus, The Traditional Plutarkian Greeting (otherwise known as "Cheek to Cheek, and Skink to Skink")!
EPISODE SYNOPSIS
Our episode begins on what appears to be a serene Sunday morning in the Chicago suburbs. No, I’m not implying anything by that; it just looks like a serene Sunday morning in the suburbs to me. Not a soul in sight, birds singing, all the trappings of a totally peaceful morning.
Until the Biker Mice show up (they had to sooner or later, right? It’s their show), shooting over the crest of a hill. Apparently out for a pleasant afternoon drive, the Biker Mice (and their mechanic pal Charley, who is tagging along) munch some hot dogs and comment on their jumps. Vinnie’s was highest, and as usual, he’s extremely proud of the fact. He shouts, "I’m a wild mouse!" as he shoots ahead of his bros—-
--straight toward a gorge!
No, that’s not the cliffhanger yet.
Vinnie and his bros quickly leap across the miniature ravine, then turn to try and figure out exactly what’s going on.
"Man!" Vinnie exclaims, peering into the pit. "I thought the Grand Canyon was in another state!"
The threesome quickly realize Limburger is behind the torn-up highway, and, seeing as how there’s nothing better for them to do that afternoon, decide to put a stop to his destruction. Rather conveniently, their fat foe turns up directly behind them, in one of the large Plutarkian backhoes used to tear up Chicago and the surrounding environs. Of course, being a business-fish and world-decimating conqueror, Limburger doesn’t actually drive the thing himself; no, he leaves that up to his dim-witted flunkey, Greasepit (it’s no wonder he can’t destroy Chicago). And when Greasepit asks his boss just what he should do, Limburger’s reply is brief and to the point (unlike these summaries): "What else, dear boy? Tear them up."
There’s your cliffhanger.
After the usual opening-theme pleasantries, the huge, gaping maws of the backhoe’s buckets swoop toward the mice, who quickly split up to avoid being chewed up in them. They race away momentarily, fully-arming their bikes with their pop-up laser cannons and, in the case of Vinnie’s bike, an entire pop-out bazooka, which Charley eagerly reaches for. She’s about as fond of Limburger as are her Martian pals, so obviously the grease jockey jumps at the chance to take him down.
Unluckily for her, Vinnie quickly screeches to a stop, plucks Charley off the back of his bike, and deposits her in the nearby bushes.
"Hey!" she snaps, pushing her way through the foliage. "What’s the big idea?"
Vinnie grins, winks, and says, "This is stupid macho-guy stuff, remember?" He zips off to join his bros while Charley (no doubt) comments on just how stupid men are.
In the meantime, Throttle and Modo are keeping the backhoe busy by weaving back and forth in front of it, moving just quickly enough so that neither the Big Cheese nor his greasy goon can draw a bead on them. Modo pulls to a halt and slams his bionic right arm into one of the buckets, crushing its "teeth."
Limburger, frustrated, orders Greasepit to fight dirty, and he does just that, dumping a huge load of dirt onto Modo, who is trapped beneath it. He finally manages to pull his head up out, only to see one of the dump buckets coming straight for him. Before he loses his head (literally), Vinnie fires upon the machine, drawing its attention away long enough for Throttle to pull Modo out of the pile. The two of them double-team the backhoe, wrapping a towline around itss spidery legs. Eventually, they pull the ropes so tightly the machine is unable to move, and Modo tips it over on its side just by tapping it lightly. Triumphant, the mice ride off (presumably after picking up Charley).
The story picks up again at Limburger Tower, where the Plutarkian is bewailing his latest failure. After selecting a new human "suit" to replace the one torn up in the battle, he sits at his desk with his head in his hands and wonders if his day could, in any way, shape, or form, get any worse.
Naturally, it does. The intercom on his desk blinks, informing him that there’s an incoming call from the Plutarkian High Chairman, who rules over the planet and oversees the exploitation of "lesser" planets. Limburger, commonly regarded as a failure by his own people, is not looking forward to this meeting, particularly after his most recent defeat.
Camembert quickly dismisses Limburger’s attempts at flattery, then orders him to perform "The Traditional Plutarkian Greeting." This elaborate……uhhhhh…I guess you could call it a dance, consists of two Plutarkians pressing their butts together and performing a series of arm motions and little steps, concluded with a round of armpit noises.
And they beat us to light speed? Gah.
The High Chairman chides Limburger for his inability to get a decent shipments to Plutark. "Earth should have been mined to dust by now!" he shouts. Limburger protests feebly that he’s had union trouble, but it doesn’t win him any points with Camembert. Making things worse is the fact that Camembert is on his way to Earth, and the shit is gonna hit the fan if Limburger doesn’t have a huge shipment of dirt ready for him in time for his arrival.
The Vid-Com turns off, and Limburger bemoans his fate some more. "The High Chairman’s coming, in person, and he has such impressive ways of showing his displeasure if I fail," he whimpers. He orders Greasepit into his office (the goon slides halfway across the room before skidding to a stop).
"You wanted t’see me, boss?" he asks.
"No," Limburger replies, "but sometimes I have to."
He (Limburger) turns the dilemma over carefully. Aloud, he decides that he needs to have a large shipment of dirt ready for Camembert when he arrives, and that the only parcel of land large enough is the entire city of Chicago. When Greasepit reminds his employer that there’s no way he can buy the entire city, Limburger replies cryptically that he’s not going to buy it—he’s going to take it.
Insert typical villain laughter here.
Night falls on Chicago, and we find ourselves outside City Hall, along with Greasepit and two of his goons, dressed in rather unconvincing Biker Mice costumes. Greasepit is wearing a little hat with antennae and mouse ears, for cripes sake—-over which he puts a helmet. Note a conspicuous lack of logic here. Then again, we’re talking about Greasepit here, so in a way, I guess it makes sense.
The goons slip into City Hall, tie up the security guards, and make their way into the Mayor’s office. I don’t think I need to tell you what happens next.
...
No, they don’t kill him. They kidnap him!
The following afternoon finds the Biker Mice enjoying a (relatively) leisurely game of basketball inside their Quigley Field Scoreboard hideout. It looks like a two-on-one game, since Throttle and Vinnie are working together to get the ball from Modo, but it’s more likely they’re only teaming up until one of them gets the ball. Modo drives down the "court" and shoots. Throttle quickly "alley-oops" Vinnie to the top of the basket, where he catches the ball just before it sinks in. Vinnie pushes off from the basket and makes his own shot for the basket.
Suddenly, a bright blue laser vaporizes the ball in mid-air!
Modo snickers, blows the smoke off his arm cannon, and asks, "Didn’t ah tell you boys raisin’ the hoop makes the game more exciting?"
"Put that away," Throttle orders, slightly miffed.
"No guns? Shoot!" Vinnie grumbles, holding a bazooka bigger than he is in his arms. "I thought the next game was gonna be a real blast!"
The debate is ended, however, when Charley enters the room and unplugs the mice’s boom box. They complain, but she tells them they’ve got bigger things to worry about. She turns on the television, where a news report tells them of the mayor’s kidnapping. This incenses the mice enough, but then they see the video footage of Greasepit and his goons abducting the mayor. The shit really hits the fan when they find out that Limburger, as the city’s "leading citizen" (leading citizen? Are they all in a race?), has been named acting mayor of Chicago (this is the one bone I have to pick with this episode; doesn’t a city the size of Chicago have a deputy mayor? Or another chain of command that doesn’t end in the "leading citizen" being put in charge? Or did Limburger kidnap all of them, too? Beats me).
We’re taken via the report to Limburger’s press conference, where he announces that, as mayor, he has ordered his new chief of police (Greasepit) to find the mayor’s kidnappers and have them arrested immediately. Translation: the prevaricating pike can bring in the Biker Mice without fear of catching flack from the real police department.
The Biker Mice, despite this knowledge (and perhaps because of it), decide to go pound Limburger into next week. Charley cautions against it, but hey, does anybody really expect the Biker Mice to listen to the voice of reason? No. They ride off (through a door, suprisingly), while Charley shakes her head.
"Typical guys," she sighs with an amused grin. "Riding off to save the world by blowing up everything in sight. Meanwhile I have to do the real work."
Night falls on the Windy City, and the Biker Mice are hunting for Limburger. The sound of a police siren catches Vinnie’s ear, but Throttle quickly reminds him that it’s not a real cop: it’s Greasepit and his goons. Well, they aren’t about to stop for them! Throttle decides the best course of action is for the mice to lose them, and the viewer too, for a few minutes, as we’re going to go to see what ole tuna-tush is up to.
Limburger is in his new office at City Hall (which looks suprisingly crappy, especially with the giant statue of Limburger erected on the roof). Happily, he looks at a map of Chicago, knowing full well he’s finally found a way to strip mine Chicago without paying a dime. As mayor, he has eminent domain, giving him the right to tear up the city as he pleases.
Still, there’s a very real chance that Greasepit won’t be able to apprehend the mice (two episodes into the series and we already know what a bungler he is), so Limburger calls on Karbunkle to teleport in a new "assistant."
The yellow glow of the Transporter in the window takes us down to street level, where the mice are still working to evade their would-be captors. Eventually, they split up, each taking a goon or two or Greasepit down a separate road, toward an intersection. At the intersection, the mice use their bikes’ powerful jets blast them skyward, and out of the ensuing crash. Greasepit and his goons in blue slam into one another, effectively putting them out of commission.
"I hate when they do that," Greasepit grumbles.
Meanwhile, the mice arrive on the steps of City Hall.
"Okay, we’re here," Throttle says, clearly restating the obvious. "Now, let’s play this smooth and subtle. Anybody got a plan?"
Vinnie quickly pipes up, "I say we blast our way in, smash everything in sight, blow Karbunkle through a wall—"
"And then grab Limburger and pound his face until he releases the mayor!" Modo concludes.
"Hmm," Throttle murmurs. "Smooth, subtle, I like it."
Their plan agreed upon, the mice begin to execute it—-
--only to find Limburger waiting for them inside.
He compliments their punctuality, then tells them that, as mayor, he has just finished signing their death certificates (didn’t know you could do that in advance. Well, I guess it’s better to take care of that kind of thing ahead of time than to wait for the last minute). Fred the Mutant eagerly cries, "Me too! Me too!", although it’s apparent that he hasn’t been added to the list. Limburger does bop him on the head, which is probably close enough for him. Karbunkle turns on a spotlight illuminating one corner, where a robot-like armored being resting on a small sort of hovering car, and introduces him as ‘Lectromag. The carrot-topped scientist then asks him to demonstrate his electromagnetic powers for the mice.
‘Lectromag raises his arms, firing a wave of green energy at the Biker Mice, who are just getting off their bikes. First their weapons are snatched away, and they they’re lifted off the ground and into the air, where they are unable to fight effectively (read: at all). The supervillain du jour begins slamming them into the walls, off the ceiling and into the floor. Fred begs for ‘Lectromag to give him the same treatment. He just sort of squishes him with his boot, then slams the mice into another wall and takes a moment to rest.
That turns out to be a crucial mistake, as it gives the mice time enough to come up with a strategy. When ‘Lectromag picks them up again, Throttle grabs Vinnie’s ankles and begins swinging him in a circle. He releases the white-furred mouse, sending him flying toward Modo. With his leftover momentum, Vinnie starts to swing Modo, who he then releases. This time, the mouse in question is heading straight for a very surprised ‘Lectromag.
"Pardon my fist!" Modo shouts, landing a beautiful haymaker on the villain’s chin. As the mice come down for a landing, ‘Lectromag smashes into Karbunkle and Fred, who is ecstatic to finally be really hurt in this episode.
Throttle, knowing full well there isn’t room enough in Limburger’s office to finish off 'Lectromag (that, and it’s getting structurally unstable), tells his bros they need to scoot their booties out of there. ‘Lectromag follows quickly behind in his little flying car thingy.
Limburger regrets that he can’t see the mice die, but knowing that duty comes before pleasure, he calls in his secretary, Miss Culpit. In comes the first gratuitous butt shot of the series (nothing compared to the "fan service" in Neon Genesis Evangelion, but good for an American cartoon), attached to Charley, who is thinly disguised as a short-skirted secretary. When Limburger (who has not, to the best of my knowledge, met her at this point) comments that Charley isn’t Miss Culpit, she replies that the former administrative assistant quit ("something about the stink in here"). Limburger tells her to take a memo, in which he informs her in a neat bit of disguised exposition that he’s going to demolish the local Diamond Mart immediately. When Charley protests that the building still has people in it, Limburger replies with a smile that he’s the mayor, and he can do as he pleases.
The mice are still trying to outrun ‘Lectromag, which is proving more difficult than they had thought. The villain keeps using his electromagnetic powers to pick up metal objects in the street and hurl them at the mice, which they narrowly avoid.
"This is tougher than a motorcross race during a demolition derby!" Vinnie shouts. "More fun, too!"
"How much further?" Modo asks quickly, having just taken out a flying mailbox.
"Just ahead bros!" Throttle calls out as they approach a steel mill. They burst through a fence, and ‘Lectromag follows quickly after. As he does, the fence picks up some of his electromagnetic charge. Once inside, the mice park their bikes, then begin a 500-yard dash through the factory. This seems like a race they’re bound to lose, as their pursuer is still flying quickly behind, and they’re starting to tire.
However, ‘Lectromag quickly realizes he’s flown into a trap. His powers begin pulling every nut and bolt in the place to him, making it difficult to fly and even more difficult to try and kill the mice (which was their plan in the first place). The Biker Mice quickly begin throwing whatever they can find at their foe, until he’s completely covered by a thick layer of metal. The fence from outside flies in and wraps itself around the whole mess. To put a cap on it, Vinnie then pulls a pair of flares from his bandoleers and melts it into one conglomerated hunk of metal. As if to add his seal of approval, he kisses it, then draws back and shouts, "Yow! Hot!" Throttle and Modo laugh, which annoys Vinnie severely.
"It’s not funny!" he snaps. "My lips are an intergalactic treasure!"
"Would be if you had any," Throttle replies.
"Yeah, mice with lips," Modo chuckles. "What’s next; chipmunks that sing?"
The mice ride out to find Limburger again and stop him, but find more trouble in their way; the Diamond Mart is being demolished by one of Limburger’s backhoes!
Meanwhile, in his new office (which conveniently overlooks the Diamond Mart), Limburger coos happily that he will be able to deliver the entire city of Chicago to the High Chairman upon his arrival. Greasepit, who has recently arrived, asks if that means he can release the mayor, who is trapped in the old abandoned scissor warehouse. Limburger quickly reminds his head goon that he still needs the power of his office. Charley, who is listening outside, decides it’s just about time to go tell the guys when she leans just a little too much on the door and falls inside Limburger’s office.
"I thought I heard somethin’!" Greasepit shouts. "A spy! Huh! And look who it is! It’s that dame who’s got a thing for Biker Mice!"
When the goon lurches after Charley, she quickly trips him, then jumps to her feet and leaves quickly (but not before throwing her shoes at Limburger, which is ultimately a bad thing, because Chicago’s streets can be hard on bare feet).
Excavation at the Diamond Mart is going swimmingly if you don’t count the hordes of screaming people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. The backhoes are scooping up the diamonds they pull out of the decimated building, and all his going as planned until the Biker Mice show up.
"You’re destroying property," Throttle says coolly.
"And endangering people," Vinnie adds.
"And that makes us mad," Modo growls.
Throttle looks coldly at the driver and asks, "You wanna rumble? We’re ready."
The goons quickly turn tail and run, a suprisingly wise course of action. Vinnie attributes this to his Clint Eastwood stare, but Modo remains unconvinced.
Throttle examines the diamonds left at the scene, and the mice debate what Limburger would want with them. They decide it can’t be the money he needs. Throttle concludes that it’s a mystery, and that they won’t like the answer.
Charley appears suddenly, eager to tell the mice what she’s learned. Vinnie, however, is more impressed with what she’s wearing.
"It’s a disguise," she snaps, pulling her skirt down.
"Disguise, schmise!" he laughs. "I like it! Turn around, lemme see the back!"
"Would you clam up and listen to me?" she snaps (and in case anybody’s wondering, it’s Modo who gets the view of Charley’s ass that Vinnie wanted so badly). She explains that Limburger is holding the mayor in the old scissor warehouse outside of town.
"The scissor warehouse?" Modo asks.
"Time to cut to the chase!" Vinnie snickers. His bros are rather disgusted by the pun.
"We’ve gotta hurry!" Charley shouts.
Soon, the mice arrive at the scissor warehouse. They leave their bikes outside and enter quietly (except for the part where Modo bashes in the door with his bionic arm). The foursome pick up the smell of grease in the air a little too late: Greasepit slips out of the shadows and grabs Charley before they can spot him.
"Greasepit!" the mice shout.
"That’s Police Chief Greasepit to youse, Biker Mice," he says as a group of heavily-armed goons surround them. "Oh, by the way, youse is under arrest."
Cue dramatic laugher.
Go to Part Two of "The Reeking Reign of Head Cheese"!
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