After I had my daughter Dana in 1999, I never gave the thought of having another baby much thought. I knew I would most likely have another one but thought it was pretty far off. But on February 17, 2000 on my father's birthday, I found out I had been thinking wrong. I was pregnant. Here I was with a one year old and I was about to have another one! We were just after moving from an apartment into ahouse in late January and when I began to have morning sickness and light headedness, I thought that it was just from the stress and hard work from moving. But when it continued and I was late for my period, I knew what was going on. I bought a pregnancy test and it was positive , so I went to the doctor to make sure and sure enough I had a baby on the way. I was so shocked even though I knew that it would be positive.
This was all so new even though I had been pregnant before. This time everything felt so much different. I had less sickness but much more pain. The back pain was extreme and my belly was huge!!! Much different from my first pregnancy. I felt so ready though, I imagined a beautiful future, and I already loved being a mom so much I thought thas this was going to be so great. Dana was looking forward to a baby sister, always kissing my stomach. The baby was due on October 25. On October 14, i was having contractions and was admitted into the hospital overnight. I only dialated to 2 cm and it didn't progress so I was released again the next morning.
The next ten days were torture, I could harldy move and trying to sleep was a pure struggle. But around 10 pm on the 23rd I started to have contractions again, this time I knew this was it. I decided to go on to bed and get as much rest as I could for what I knew was coming the next day. Around 5 pm on the 24 th I went to the local hospital and was tranfered to the hospital in a nearby town to have the baby. I went into the delivery room about 9 pm. My mothers birthday is the 24th so she was hoping to get a grandchild for her birthday but the baby had other plans and she didn't come out until 12:20 am on the 25th of October. She weighed 8 lbs 13.4 ounces, she was 19 inches and had beautiful dark skin.
I was so surprised when I saw her because her sister was only 6 lbs when she was born and had light skin and red hair. I was expecting the same this time I guess. I couldn't stop looking at her, she was so beautiful. We were released on the 27th. It was so strange coming home and having two girls in the house but it was a nice change and I was looking forward to it all. Dana was so happy having a little sister. She wanted to be there with her every waking minute, she wanted to hold her and feed her and just Love Her!!
But Danielle did alot of sleeping...but that didn't stop Dana from wanting to be with her, she would stand by Danielle's crib and watch her sleep. I was so excited that she loved her sister so much. We all did. And Danielle was another Daddy's girl. She always wanted to be in Steven's arms whenever she was awake. I would hold her and she would cry, but as soo as she was in her Daddy's arms she would be so peaceful. Dana was the same way as a baby. Danielle was so beautiful and peaceful, always so quiet, you could hardly hear her crying!...Everything seemed so perfect until the night of the 31st.
It was Hallloween and my husband took Dana out trick or treating and stayed home with Danielle. My dad was staying with us at the time, so I decided to go ahead and take a bath. I checked on Danielle and she was sleeping soundly and was so peaceful. I told her that mommy will be back to check on her again soon. Dad asked if er could hold Danielle because he was out of town first when we got home from the hospital and he wanted the chance to hold her and rock her. I told him I had just checked on her and when I got out of the tub I was going to bring her out so he could hold her for awhile.
When I got out of the tub, Dad told me that if I wanted to go on out with Steven and Dana trick or treating, then he would stay with Danielle. So I prepared a bottle for Danielle and told him if they come back to the house, then I would go out with them for a while. Then I went into my room to get Danielle. I went into the room and as soon as I opened the door I knew there was something wrong. I went over to her crib and she was so white and so cold I knew from that moment on that my life would never be the same.
She was gone, my precious baby that brought so much love and joy and hope for our family was now gone forever. I thought maybe there was still hope though, I thought that maybe we could bring her back. I held on to that hope. When I found her, my dad was coming in the hallway behind my bedroom and he said that Steven and Dana were outside now waiting for me. When I turned around, he must have saw that something was wrong, because he said "What's wrong, is the baby ok". I said "she's not breathing, Oh My God My Baby!!". I screamed for Steven and he heard me from outside and came running in.
He did CPR on her while I had my father called the ambulance, there was no way I could call and say the words "my baby is not breathing", I couldn't get myself to do that. Steven was doing everything he could to get her back. I will never get the image of my husband on the bed trying to revive our daughter our of my mind. The look on his face! I was in such shock!! He couldn't get her back, he brought her outside to try and get the air back into her lungs, when we saw the ambulance pass by our house..they went to the wrong house.
About 30-40 minutes had passed from the time I found Danielle at peace with the angels to the time the ambulance arrived at our house!! They took our angel to the hospital, I knew she was gone. But something inside me still held on to hope. When we arrived at the hospital they were still working on her. It seemed like forever before they came out to talk to us. The minister came to talk to us first, that is when I knew in my heart that she was not coming back to us.
How could this be happening to me? The week before to the hour, I was at this hospital in labour waiting to be transfered to a nearby hospital to deliver! Now our baby is gone! NO!!! The doctor came out and confirmed our fears. All hope was gone. my life is over!!!! I was in shock. I went in and held my baby for about an hour. She looked so different. This wasn't happening!! the police came to the hospital and took statements from me and my husband, they went to our house and took pictures , I had no idea what was going on, but I guess they had to investigate. They said they have to do this, it is procedure for anyone who passes away while at home.
After a while, we were asked to leave, they had to take my daughter to the morgue..the morgue!!!!!! This is horriffic..this is not happening!!!! She is going back to the same hospital that she was born in a week earlier, to the morgue. No!!!!! I felt my world fall down around me. I came outside the hospital and saw my daughter Dana still dressed up in her Bumble Bee costume, and I thought I was going to die. How could her little sister be gone, I want both my girls!!
I couldn't go back into that house ever again, there was no way! We went to stay with my husband's parents for a few weeks while we looked for another place to live.
The next day we made funeral arrangements, that is just about the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I never thought I would have to do that. Two days later our baby was ready for us to see her. My husband went and picked a casket for our angel, what a tragic thing for him to have to do!!
When I went to see her, I was not prepared, I fell apart, this was not happening to me, this is a nightmare. She looked so different. But still so peaceful and innocent.... and beautiful. There are so many details of the days following our loss that I can't recall though. I rememver Dana seeing her sister for the last time before we closed the casket, she said good night baby, that broke my heart *tears*.
Then came a big shock for us, we were allowed to hold our baby one last time. They took her out of her casket and laid her in my arms and I just about died right there. I cannot express the extreme pain I felt at that moment. I did not want to let her go. I knew once I gave her back, I would never see her again. Why was this happening??? Then she was gone, the casket was closed and I would never see my baby again. The hymns played at her service will forever ring in my ears. I remember those moments so vividly, sitting there staring at my baby for the last time, while everyone sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus Loves the Sparrow". The pain of remembering is so powerful.
Those of you who have never lost a child, I pray to GOD that you never have to go through this. And then at the gravesite, saying good bye is so hard. But when I went back later to her grave, and my baby was underground, I thought I would just go out of my mind. There will never be a normal day in my life again.
People think that you get over it, well you DON'T. You never get over it. People don't want to talk about it, they think I am crazy when I talk about Danielle...why??? I don't think they are crazy when they talk about their children, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but she is still my baby and will always be a big part of our family. please don't think that someone is crazy because they can't forget their child they lost, that they love that child and want and need so much to talk about them.
I love Danielle, I want her back. I know that will never happen so I have to keep her memory alive. I will never forget her or pretend to forget her. She is my daughter. I still cry when I see a baby, why don't I have my child, why did MY baby have to die.
When I was pregnant with Danielle, my sister and my brother's girlfriend were also pregnant. When I lost my baby, I knew that I would go through hell when they had their children. And boy was I right. They live thousands of miles away from me, but it still hurt to hear about their babies. My heart couldn't stand it. I love my little neices that were born after Danielle, but I still remember the torture I went through emotionally when they were born. They were happy and had new healthy babies, and I was the mother of a child in heaven. Oh the pain, was unbearable. But I was so grateful that my sister and my brother both had healthy little baby girls. But still....the pain remains. It still hurts when I see pictures of them, knowing they are the same age as Danielle by only months. I got to see them both last year. It was bittersweet. I loved the opportunity to see them, but my heart was crying. I found myself holding them and not really wanting to let go, I wanted to see what it felt like to hold a child Danielle's age. *tears* It was wonderful to see them, I feel a special bond with my sister's daughter Emily somehow. I remember the day I found out my sister was pregnant too, I thought it was great, we would both have small babies at the same time...but that changed.
Now, I live with the reality that this is my life now. I live daily with the heartache of the fact that a child of mine is no longer with me. I am so protective over my other child Dana. I don't want her out of my sight for a moment. Many people think we worry too much about her and don't let her do enough, but when they lose a child, they will understand.
I do have a great support network in my friends at Angel Children In Heaven where I can talk to other moms who have lost a child, but I wish that I had more family who I could talk to , but that is something that will probably not happen. Most of my family live far away from me.
I have good days and bad days. I always say that if I can get up and look at a picture of Danielle and not cry, then that is a good day for me. But on my bad days, I am hopeless and helpless, I feel like there is nothing to go on for, that there is too much pain in my life to go on. I feel like I am destined to a terrible life. Life has never been easy for me, and I have always struggled with depression, but to explain the deep pain in my heart now, is truly truly impossible!! I just can't. No one can understand that pain unless they too have lost part of them. And I wish that on no one. This is just not natural, our children are not supposed to leave this world before us!!
I guess this is my story, as much as I can really tell you. Thank you for visiting my precious Danielle and Thank you for reading my story. Please pray for all bereaved parents, we all need it!!
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Update: January 21, 2004
Today we found out that our precious baby girl did not pass away from SIDS. WE had been told that she passed from SIDS the day after she passed, but it turns out that her autopsy had not been finalized until November 24, 2000, nearly one month after Danielle passed away. The cause of her death is Sepsis, which was caused by staphyloccocus , the same infection that causes diseases such as meningitis. We had never even heard of Sepsis until today. This is a nightmare. it is like losing Danielle all over again. The pain is returning, the hurt is so fresh, this is almost too much to bear. We now have a solid answer as to what happened to our precious girl, but there is also thoughts of why?? Why wasn't this noticed by the doctors and why wasn't something more done for her? When will this nightmare end?
March 18, 2006: Today my heart aches as always... I want my baby girl. I want to have you in my arms and watch you grow up. I miss every moment Danielle.... Mommy loves you forever and always! xoxoxox |
