Tales From Other Lands
Tales from Other Lands (A ripoff of the ripoff of the St. Francisville Experiment, which was a ripoff of the Blair Witch Project, and also has a small ripoff of The Ring) by Clarissa Palmieri Act 1 – Insomniac Haven ::Scene 1:: (Nighttime – everyone is lying in bed, but Spoonx is the only one asleep) Narrator: Our previous series of events turned out a little more traumatic than previously expected. Pooka and Clyff now have a serious case of insomnia, which keeps everyone else awake every night. For instance… Clyff: Guys?…Did you hear that? Forkk: Shut up. It’s just Spoonx snoring. Now won’t you let me get some sleep? (rolls over to face away from Clyff) (A few moments of silence. Awakening from a dream, Pooka sits up abruptly.) Pooka: Nunca! She’s back! She has her own body now! Clyff: Are you serious? Where is she? Pooka: I don’t know, but we have to go find her…and kill her. Clyff: Okay! Come on people, we’re off to disembowel Nunca! (Pooka and Clyff try to pull people out of bed) Forkk: It was just a nightmare. Get away from me. Posh: Leave me alone! I haven’t gotten an ounce of sleep tonight because of you two! Spoonx: Killer turnips. Pooka & Clyff: Killer turnips? (Look at each other) Killer turnips! (scream) (Everyone groans in frustration/exhaustion.) Forkk: Spoonx…You are an idiot. ::Scene 2:: (The kids are very extremely tired. They act almost drunken.) Narrator: Now it has been a full week since our cast has gotten a wink of sleep, and you can surely tell that they are just a bit overtired. Posh: Forkk… Forkk: Uh. Posh: I’m tired. Forkk: Uh. Winifred: We should try going outside for some fresh air and exercise. Forkk: (In agreement) Uh. Pooka: Yeah. That should wake us up a little. (All rise to their feet with great difficulty, except for Clyff who hasn’t been able to even sit up yet.) Clyff: I can’t get up. (Pooka and Spoonx drag Clyff painstakingly out the door, as the rest stagger outside as well.) ::Scene 3:: (As soon as Forkk reaches the lawn, he collapses into the grass. Clyff is helped to his feet. Forkk makes no effort to get up.) Winifred: Well…how does tag sound? Posh: Muy bien, y tu? Spoonx: Your hat looks absoluteleh smashing! Posh: De nada. Pooka: Sure. Let’s play. Spoonx: We’ll have a bloody good time! Posh: Hola! (waves at camera) Winifred: …Okay then. Clyff, you can be it I suppose. (Clyff’s legs won’t move, so he uses his arms to swim. While doing this, he accidentally tags Pooka and starts to fall. He tries to do a very fast front-crawl to keep from doing so, but he fails and hits the dirt. Just then, everyone remembers that they should start running, and do so with a limp and/or stagger. The camera stays stationary. Pooka chases the kids still on their feet to the right of the camera’s view so that we can’t see them. Then Pooka herds them in the other direction and tags Spoonx within the cam’s view. Spoonx flops to the ground close to where Forkk and Clyff are, but Forkk probably isn’t there because he is most likely operating the camera at the moment. The group continues running offstage. L to R: Winifred tags Posh, who flops as well. R to L: Winifred trips and falls before Pooka can tag her, and Pooka trips over her.) (New shot of the sky, maybe a cloud or two.) Clyff: I never knew the sky was purple. Posh: That isn’t the sky. That’s a cloud. Clyff: Oh. Well then it’s red. Forkk: Uh. Pooka: Yeah, goldfish are swimming around in my head too. Spoonx: And happy bubbles! Posh: Earth must be a giant fishbowl, don’t you think so? Forkk: Uuuuh. AEnd!A Act 2 – Hobo Nation ::Scene 1:: (The kids have fallen asleep, but they are in the middle of a snowy endless field of nothingness. They awaken. Spoonx is missing.) Clyff: Wow. I feel better now. Pooka: That was the best nap I’ve ever taken. Now I’m hungry. Where did the house run off to? Winifred: I don’t know…it was there when we fell asleep, wasn’t it? Posh: Maybe…I dunno. Clyff: You know that story about Rip Van Winkle, where he drinks fairy gin and falls asleep for years and years, and when he wakes up everything is gone…What if that’s what just happened to us? Posh: No way. If that had happened, I’d have a hangover about now. Clyff: Rip didn’t have one either. Posh: Oh… (Pause) Winifred: Where did Spoonx go? Pooka: Oh, you know Spoonx. He never sleeps for long. Posh: Yeah, sleep is pretty much useless to him. He’s always got gallons of energy to put to waste. He can’t be too far. Forkk: Ya know, I don’t think I should have taught that kid about pranks. I’m starting to think that he’s the one behind this. Winifred: Hmm. Clyff: Hmm. (Everyone hmms for awhile) Forkk: Okay! (They stop) Enough. Let’s just find him and see. Pooka: (calling) Spoonx! Where are you!?! (Everybody joins in and calls Spoonx) ::Scene 2:: (Camera aimed at Spoonx. He is running toward the camera from a pretty good distance.) Clyff: WHAT is THAT??! Pooka: It’s the yeti! Posh: It’s the drunken lactose-intolerant retarded hostile synchronized turkey army!! Forkk: It’s a bird…it’s a pl- Okay, motivation lost. Winifred: No no, it’s only Spoonx. (New shot. Spoonx is closer now.) Narrator: Ten minutes later. Posh: That guy may have a lot of energy, but man can he run slow. (A few moments later, Spoonx finally approaches the group.) Spoonx: Kawitchima! I am Spoonx, the ruler of all Hobo Nation. Welcome to Planet Zit, mah homelahnd. Winifred: Reeaaaally. Clyff: You mean we’re on another planet right now? Spoonx: Yah. Forkk: I always knew he was an alien. Winifred: How did we get here? Spoonx: I dunno. Forkk: *choke choke cough*-STUPID-*choke cough cough* Pooka: So…where are all the citizens of Hobo Nation that you supposedly rule?? Posh: Yeah, where are the hobos? Spoonx: Yummy. (Pats stomach heartily) Clyff: Well, that explains his…large appearance. Spoonx: Bye! (Skips away into the distance) Forkk: Great. Spoonx just left us stranded on a deserted far-away planet with no means of getting back home. Pooka: And I’m still hungry. Posh: I think you speak for all of us. Winifred: Hopefully Spoonx hasn’t eaten everything on the whole planet yet. First we’ll try to scavenge for some food, and then find a way to get out of here. Clyff: Sounds like a plan, man. Winifred: Alright (looks around)…how does this direction look? (points up a hill leading to nowhere, just like where every other direction goes. Camera follows where the finger points to show an icy, desolate nothing.) Forkk: Uhm…sure. Pooka: Okay, let’s go. I’m starving. (Everybody begins walking) NEnd!N Act 3 – Lost Loot ::Scene 1:: (Still walking…) Clyff: (discovers a pair of footsteps in the snow) Hey, there are fresh footprints here! We must not be alone after all. Pooka: Let’s follow them. Posh: And eat whoever made them. Clyff: Okay. (They start picking up speed and follow the footprints down into a small valley. Then they walk through some bushes at the bottom.) Winifred: Something’s here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pooka: Is it food? Winifred: I’m not sure. (Everyone gathers around to see a skeleton of some sort.) Forkk: I wonder what that thing looked like when it was alive. Pooka: Well? Is there anything left we can eat? Winifred: (Looking closely at it, then concludes) Not a speck. Whatever made those tracks must have been pretty hungry. Clyff: There it is! (Points up to the top of the other edge of the valley) (New shot – Camera is on Spoonx, standing where Clyff was pointing) Posh: It’s Spoonx. Spoonx: Bye! (Waves and runs out of view) Forkk: (yelling to Spoonx) You NINCOMPOOP!!! Pooka: (ready to kill) That…selfish…little… Winifred: Don’t worry. There’s bound to be more out there for us. Posh: At this rate, I’m beginning to doubt that. Forkk: Yep. It’s hopeless. Clyff: Well then let’s get back to where we started and figure out a master plan to get home. Pooka: Ugh. Fine. (The kids trudge back in the direction where they came from.) ::Scene 2:: Narrator: One hour later. Pooka: I don’t think it took us this long to get to the skeleton. Are you sure we’re not lost? Clyff: Of course I’m sure! I know exactly where we’re going. Pooka: As you say, mister know-nothing. (They are now in a small valley walking through some shrubbery.) Winifred: (Finds a rotting carcass hidden in the shrubs) Guys…bad news. I think we’re back at the dead body. Forkk: What?? Are you sure it’s the same one? Posh: (Gets a good look at it) It’s the same one…no…it can’t be…(Sinks to the ground, sobbing) (The rest go into hysterics, as Posh rocks back and forth in the background saying to herself “no…no…”)(camera fades out) LEnd!L Act 4 – First Feast (It’s late afternoon. The kids are sitting in a circle. They look scared but they are quiet and serious instead of hysteric.) Winifred: It’s okay everybody, it’s not as bad as you think. Finding our starting point isn’t that important. I suggest we set up camp here tonight. We can make a fire with those bushes to keep warm. Clyff: As long as we get out of here by tomorrow. Forkk: As long as Spoonx isn’t around to bother us. Posh: As long as- Pooka: Enough of your jabbermouths! Let’s just get a fire going before the sun goes down. Posh: But we weren’t finished with our conversation yet. Pooka: Wouldn’t you rather finish it around a nice warm campfire? Posh: Well…I guess so. Pooka: Okay then. (The group scatters to search for wood.) *** (They are now sitting around a pile of burnable stuff. Pooka kneels by it.) Pooka: Now for the hard part…lighting the campfire. (Grabs a stick and starts twisting it against a piece of wood) Forkk: Uhh…this might take a while. *** (Pooka is still trying) Narrator: One hour later. Clyff: I think I see a spark! Posh: Really? Clyff: Just kidding. Posh: Dang it. (Silence. Forkk pushes Clyff. Clyff pushes back. They fight for awhile, then return to their bored positions with Winifred and Posh, watching Pooka.) Pooka: Smoke! I see smoke! (New shot – It’s getting pretty dark. There is a large fire in the firepit. Everyone rises and dances around it, yelling “Fire! Woohoo!” Then they stop and start warming their hands.) Clyff: That wait was sure worth it. Pooka: Yeah, but I really wish we had some food to roast. Forkk: (Looking beyond the light of the fire) Don’t tell me that’s Spoonx. (Camera pans over to where he is looking. Something short is moving towards them.) Clyff: That’s way too small to be him, dudes. Winifred: It looks like a…lawn gnome. Forkk: A lawn gnome? Pooka: FOOD!!! Posh: Seize him! (The thing picks up speed as Pooka runs over and tackles it.) Posh: Impale him! (Forkk runs over with a stick. New shot from lawn gnome’s view. The firelight illuminates Forkk’s insane grin. He is holding the stick above his head, but then he thrusts it downward. The camera shuts off.) (New shot – Forkk holds the impaled gnome over the fire, turning it slowly.) Pooka: (jumping up and down) Is it done yet, is it done yet? Forkk: Sure why not. (Takes it from the fire and sets it down) (Everyone takes a piece and tastes it.) Pooka: Mmm! I never knew lawn gnomes were so good! Clyff: Tastes like chicken. Winifred: It’s a little tough. Posh: Who cares? BEnd!B Act 5 – Turkeys! ::Scene1:: (It’s nighttime. The fire has died down a little. The children are lying around the campfire, getting some rest.) Posh: What is maple syrup doing on my shoe? Clyff: Maybe it’s poo. Posh: Poo?! (Rolls over to face them) I hope it’s not synchronized turkey poo! Winifred: There’s no such thing as synchronized turkeys, Posh. Forkk: It’s called a childhood fear. Now get over it. Posh: Fine then! Good night! (rolls back over and tries to sleep) Clyff: Winnie? Winifred: Yes? Clyff: Ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Winifred: Yes. Posh: (Turns to face them again) Stop trying to scare me and go to sleep! (Lays down once more) Clyff: But I’m scared. Pooka: Me too. Posh: (looks at the two) You STILL have insomnia? Forkk: *sigh* This is going to be a long night. ::Scene 2:: (It is the middle of the night. The fire has gone out, and it’s pitch black.) Pooka: Winifred! Posh is gone! Forkk: Good riddance. Pooka: No, I’m serious! She’s not here! (Clucking and gobbling is heard in the distance.) Clyff: Do you hear that? Pooka: (yelling) Posh! Is that you? (Screaming is heard in the distance. Clyff and Pooka start to get scared.) Clyff: Should we go find her? Winifred: No! It’s too dangerous. Clyff: Is that your best reason? Winifred: Well, I was going to say that I was too scared, but I thought that I would sound wimpy. Clyff: Oh, okay then. (yelling) POSH!! Pooka: (yelling) Tell me where you are, Posh!!! (They sob quietly. Gobbling is heard again. Camera shuts off.) ::Scene 3:: (Morning.) Pooka: (still scared) I think we’re safe now. The sun is up. We can search for her now. Forkk: Sure. It’s not like I have anything better to do. (They get up and start walking.) Winifred: Come on Forkk, don’t you care the smallest bit about Posh? Forkk: Y—I mean no. Pooka: Some friend you are. Clyff: Is that a building I see up there? Pooka: I think it is! Winifred: Maybe Posh is there. Forkk: Maybe some INTELLIGENT life forms are there, who have brains larger than a hydrogen atom…unlike some people I know. (They run towards the building) HEnd!H Act 6 – One Day Only at da Bum Café (The kids are walking up to the door. It opens.) Waitress: (is wearing an apron) Good morning, children. Pooka: Umm…hi. Waitress: Come in. (She lets them in, shuts the door behind them, and shows them into a kitchen.) Welcome to the Bum Café. Would you like something to eat or drink? Forkk: (snottily) We don’t have any money. Waitress: Oh, it’s on the house. I haven’t gotten customers for years! Here are some menus. (She hands them each a menu, then takes out a pad of paper and writes as they order.) Clyff: Hmm…the pancake breakfast sounds good. I’ll take that, please. And a cup of crappuccino…I mean cappuccino. Winifred: Eggs and toast, please. Pooka: I’ll try some rasberry crepes with a glass of milk. Forkk: Gimme a steak, medium-rare. Waitress: Alright, your breakfast will be ready in a few! (Gathers menus and begins cooking) Clyff: (after a pause) Hey, Miss Waitress? Waitress: Yes? Clyff: How do you know how to speak English? Waitress: English? What is English? Clyff: It’s a language. Waitress: Never heard of it. The only language I speak is Hobian. Pooka: Miss Waitress…you haven’t happened to see a girl wandering around here, have you? Waitress: Nope. All I’ve seen within the past couple of days is that stupid flock of turkeys. They stole my maple syrup again last night. Pooka: Hmm. Clyff: Hmm. Winifred: Hmm. Forkk: Hmmmmm. Waitress: Here you are! (Places their food in front of them. Their cups and plates are filled with either snow or ice cubes.) Clyff: Huh? What’s this? Forkk: I ordered a steak, yo! Waitress: This is a planet full of ice and snow. What were you expecting? Pooka: Well you could have at least served us lawn gnome, or turkey, or something! Waitress: This is a vegetarian diner, didn’t I tell you? Clyff: But, why?? Waitress: For one thing, Lord Spoonx hates gnomes. I used to serve them just to spite him, but then he threatened to eat us alive if I didn’t take them off the menu. And as for turkeys…you just don’t wanna mess with them. So all I have left to eat is ice and snow. Winifred: Sad, sad. Clyff: Well then what’s that TOASTER for? Waitress: That’s……none of your business!!! (stomps out of the room) Clyff: …sorry I asked. Pooka: What’s her problem? (The telephone rings. Pooka answers.) Hello? (A faint whisper is heard from the receiver. It says “Seven Days.” Pooka screams.) Forkk: Let me guess…It was a telemarketer. Pooka: We have to get out of here! Come on! (Takes Forkk and Winifred by the shirt and drags them towards the door. Clyff follows.) (End!( Act 7 – Return of the Posh (Shot from the outside doorstep. They walk out of the door and shut it. Pooka lets go of Forkk and Winnie and leads them at a fast pace away from the house.) Winifred: What’s wrong, Pooka? Pooka: I don’t want to talk about it! Let’s just get out of here! Forkk: And how does walking help us get back to Earth? Pooka: It doesn’t, I’m just putting a safe distance between me and that restaurant first! Winifred: I think I see another dead body over there. Clyff: (Looks in the same direction as Winifred) It’s looking an awful lot like Posh… Forkk: Awesome! (They run to the body, Forkk in the lead. They try to awaken Posh. Forkk stands there and stares at the ordeal. Finally she opens her eyes and blinks at them.) Pooka: Posh! What happened to you?! Posh: The turkeys! They tried to eat me! They kidnapped me in my sleep and drenched me with maple syrup…but then I woke up and chased them all away! And then I went back to sleep. Clyff: Glad you’re back, man. (They lay down on the ground to think, disregarding all the snow under them. New shot of the sky.) Winifred: We need some brainpower, kids. If there’s a way in, there’s got to be a way out. Clyff: (after a pause) What were we doing right before we got here? Forkk: You all played tag. Clyff: You didn’t play, and you’re still here. Couldn’t be that. Pooka: We fell asleep… Posh: Couldn’t have been that either. Last time we fell asleep, instead of getting back home, I was almost eaten by hostile turkeys! Winifred: Maybe it has something to do with how we fell asleep. Clyff: You mean, like, how we fell asleep on the ground and stuff? Winifred: Nah…sleeping on the ground here last night didn’t seem to do anything. Posh: Well…we were really really tired when we conked out… Pooka: How long had it been since the last time we slept? Forkk: About a week probably. Pooka: Seven days… Forkk: Yeah Pooka, a week is seven days. Pooka: No, that’s what the voice said on the phone! Seven days! It all makes sense now! Spoonx called us up to give us a hint! Forkk: The feeling that Spoonx is slightly smarter than me is quite offensive. Clyff: So we can’t sleep for another whole week?? Posh: Hey, it won’t be that hard with you and Pooka around. Winifred: Let us hope you’re right. 6End!6 Act 8 – Seven Days ::Day 1:: Narrator: Day one. (Forkk stretches his arms and yawns a continuous string of yawns) Pooka: Forkk…don’t tempt me. ::Day 2:: Narrator: Day two. (A lone turkey is traveling about 15 feet away from the kids.) Clyff: Winifred, a turkey! Pooka: Hey you little turkey lurkey, where are your little friendy wendy bendies? Winifred: I’ll take care of it. (Picks a stick off the ground and tiptoes towards it. Kneels to the ground, holding the stick out in front of her.) Here turkey turkey turkey…(Shakes the stick. The turkey approaches cautiously) Here turkey turkey…(The turkey is very close now. When it gets close enough to smell the stick, she whacks it over the head with it.) Posh: Oooh, shafted! Pooka: FOOD!!! (Everyone dives into a pile on the bird and starts eating it.) Winifred: Now wait just a minute!! (They obey.) Don’t you think we should eat this a little more ceremoniously? I mean, this bird seems like a pretty rare catch, don’t you think? Pooka: (bummed) I guess so. Clyff: You suck! ::Day 3:: Narrator: Day three. (It’s night. Half the kids are playing African drums, and the other half is dancing around the fire, chanting. Winifred roasts the turkey on a stick.) Winifred: The delicious turkey is now ready to be consumed! (They howl and dig in without hesitation.) Forkk: Is that Spoonx again? Posh: (looks) Again?!? Clyff: Sheesh. Pooka: But he’s holding something this time… (They wait for him to approach while eating and then make a space to let him into the circle.) Forkk: What do YOU want? Spoonx: (to Winifred) Congratulations. You are the first in the history of Planet Zit to kill a turkey! I give you the medal of Zit Honor! (Throws the medal at Winifred. She picks it up off the ground as Spoonx says) Bye! (Runs away) Clyff: (yells after him while shaking a fist) Hey! I want one! ::Day 4:: Narrator: Day four. (They are sitting around the fire pit, which is a pile of soot. The drums are gone.) Clyff: I’m starting to get the idea that we were hallucinating last night. Pooka: Me too. Fires don’t just appear like that. I personally know how hard it is to start them. Posh: I don’t think those African drums were there either. Africa isn’t even on this planet! Winifred: Spoonx really did visit us though. I still have my medal! (shows it off) Clyff: You suck! ::Day 5:: Narrator: Day five. Posh: (Sees some green leaves poking out of the ground) Hey, look at that! (Walks over and pulls it up) Aaaaaaaaaah! (It attacks her and she fights it, falling to the ground.) Pooka: (Wrestles it away and throws it a short distance) Wow. Spoonx wasn’t kidding when he said killer turnips. Winifred: I wouldn’t be surprised if there were mini ladles around here too. Clyff: And happy bubbles! Forkk: Ugh. That’s even worse than killer turnips. ::Day 6:: Narrator: Day six. (Everyone goes insane about being bored and tired.) [Wing it.] ::Day 7:: Narrator: Day seven. (The kids’ arms are around each other’s shoulders swaying back and forth singing “The Beer Song.” On “ew!” they fall to the ground and pass out.) MEnd!M Act 9 – Homelahnd (All but Spoonx lie back on Earth, in the same place where they had fallen asleep. Pooka awakens.) Pooka: Oh no, I fell asleep!…(gets up) Wait, we’re home! (Yells so the rest will wake up) We’re home!! Clyff: Sweet. (They walk back to the door.) Forkk: I hope Spoonx decided to stay on his home planet. (They reach the door and open it. Spoonx is dressed up in pimp clothes) Spoonx: Welcome to da crib yo! (Spills a string of meaningless slang) Forkk: Crap. Spoonx: Fo’ shizzy mah nizzy! (Spills a longer strand) I like pancakes! Clyff: That’s gotta be slang for crack. OEnd!O Act 10 – The End (Everyone freezes.) Narrator: Well, I guess our cast will never be able to understand or even get rid of Spoonx. Only one conclusion can be drawn from this sorry plot. Get plenty of sleep. Otherwise you will get yourself in terrible situations that only a complete idiot can pull you out of. AND GUARD THE MAPLE SYRUP WITH YOUR LIFE!!! The End. (credits roll as the kids sing some random dorky song.) Cast (In order of appearance) Narrator: Kyle Nelson Clarissa Palmieri Nick Palmieri Clyff: Kenneth Nelson Forkk: Kyle Nelson Pooka: Kelly Nelson Posh: Clarissa Palmieri Spoonx: Nick Palmieri Winifred: Emily Palmieri Waitress: Clarissa Palmieri Stage Crew Camera: The Hell House Company Props: The Hell House Company Lighting: The Power Company, matches, and Duracell Special FX: The Hell House Company Directors: The Hell House Company Note: All stunts were performed by the original actors. CEnd!C
