The VooDoo Vamp Experiment
The VooDoo Vamp Incident (A ripoff of the St. Francisville Experiment, which is a ripoff of The Blair Witch Project) by Clarissa Palmieri Cast Spoonx – Nicholas Palmieri Forkk – Kyle Nelson Clyff – Kenneth Nelson Winifred – Emily Palmieri Pooka – Kelly Nelson Posh – Clarissa Palmieri Nunca – Clarissa Palmieri Narrator – Somebody Cameraman – Whoever is most convenient Characters Spoonx: He is in need of mental help. Crazy, stupid, has severe case of ADD. Forkk: Boring and gloomy. Sarcastic. Rather sly. Clyff: Hippie. Tie-dye and concert freak. More on the stupid side, but that’s okay. Winifred: The brains of the mob. Pooka: Paranoid. Posh’s sidekick. Very assertive, and kind of a loudmouth. Posh: The raver. Likes partying with Pooka. Nunca: Evil, and gothic. Table of Contents Act 1 – The Letter Act 2 – Breakfast With the Vampire Act 3 – Potty Break Act 4 – Cat’s Cradle Act 5 – S.1 – Dinner Act 5 - S.2 – The Plan Act 6 – The Search Act 7 – S.1 – Doom Act 7 – S.1 – The Séance Act 8 – Pranked-Prankity-Prank Act 9 – The Truth Act 10 – The Aftermath Act 1 (It is sometime around sunset. Forkk, Clyff, Winifred, and Spoonx are sitting around a table playing cards. When it comes to Spoonx’s turn, he slaps a card down on the table and says-) Spoonx: Tag, you’re it! Clyff: Dude…wrong game. Spoonx: Oh! (Slaps another card on the table) Go fish! Winifred: I believe we are playing crazy eights right now, Spoonx. Spoonx: (Throws the rest of his hand into the pile) I win! (Jumps up, chair falls over behind him) Ha ha, you lose! Hahahahaha! (Smacks his butt in Winifred’s face) (Winifred leans away slightly. Spoonx runs out the door, slamming it behind him. The room is silent for a few moments.) Forkk: Well…I think I’ve had enough cards for the day. (Puts cards on table and leaves.) (Everyone else says a word of agreement and they all set their cards on the table. Winifred cleans up the cards. Pooka and Posh enter through the door. Posh is holding a stack of mail.) Posh: Hey, guys. Clyff: Hey, what’s up? Pooka: We were like, partyin’ all day man! Posh: Yaaah… Pooka: And we decided to pick up our mail on the way home. (Posh puts the stack on the table. Winifred picks it up and starts looking through it.) Clyff: Shway man, thanks! Posh: Sorry, but…I just ran over Spoonx. Clyff: Oh, no problem. No problem at all! Winifred: (Flipping through mail) Let’s see… bills, bills, junk mail, crap magazines, you’ve won a free car…(picks up an envelope) this one kinda looks interesting. Clyff: Let me see! (Grabs it away, starting a short frenzy over the letter, Clyff wins and looks over both sides of the envelope) All our names are handwritten on the front, but there’s no return address! Pooka: Maybe it’s just a complaint from the neighbors or something. (Grabs the envelope from Clyff, opens it and reads:) Dear Children: Your household was the winning entry in the annual Win-Your-Own-Demon Sweepstakes. Upon opening of this letter, one demon is unleashed into the comforts of your home for the rest of your humble lives! We know you will be satisfied with your prize! Yours truly, “The Staff” (Slightly confused, she reads over the letter again to herself. The confused expression slowly changes to an expression of sheer terror.) Oh my God! (breathes heavily) We’re all gonna die!! (huddles into nearest corner, shields head) Winifred: Take it easy, Pooka, the only ones that are gonna die around here are the punks who decided to write this…Look, there’s still more in the envelope! (takes paper out and Clyff reads over her shoulder-) Clyff: You’ve won a: VooDoo Vamp. VooDoo Vamps love entertainment. They are known to possess the living and use various tools to quench their thirst for human blood. They also have very strong destructive powers, which they are only able to use in good health. Have fun, but watch out. (The sound of the door opening is heard. Everyone screams and freaks out. Spoonx walks in looking like roadkill.) Spoonx: My bum-bum hurts! (Close-up of Pooka with hands on cheeks, screaming) End of Act 1 Act 2 (The next morning. Pooka, Clyff, Posh, and Forkk are in their pajamas eating cereal.) Pooka: So, Posh, how are we gonna get rid of this demon? I mean we’re not gonna just let it haunt us for the rest of our lives, are we? Posh: There is no demon! People can’t just go and send demons in the mail, that’s impossible! Pooka: No demon huh…well how would you explain Spoonx coming back from the dead last night? Posh: He didn’t come back from the dead. He just got banged up a bit, that’s all. He’ll be out of bed in no time. Pooka: No, Posh! Don’t you see?! Spoonx is dead, and now the demon is possessing his body!! Posh: Pooka…there is no demon. I’m sure that was all a prank. Besides, who would ever want to possess a body like Spoonx’s? Pooka: Oh, so you think I’m crazy huh? I am NOT crazy! Forkk, do you think I’m crazy? Forkk: Yes. Now leave me alone. Pooka: Oh, come on! Clyff, tell me I’m not crazy! Clyff: Sorry, but you’re bogus man. Pooka: (Ticked-off noise) You will see! You will all see! This is not a joke! Forkk: Uh huh. Sure. I’ll bet it was you that wrote that stupid letter. Pooka: Forkk, don’t even think for a second that I would- (A loud opera voice is heard from the balcony. Clyff, Pooka, and Posh scream and run for the stairs to the basement. Forkk just sits there and picks at his cereal.) (Shot of Clyff, Pooka, and Posh running down stairs) End of Act 2 Act 3 (In the computer room. Winifred is doing calculations on the computer. She hears the racket and looks to the doorway as they hurry in and shut the door behind them. They lock the door, breathing heavily.) Winifred: What’s all the commotion about? Pooka: We heard the VooDoo Vamp singing upstairs! You believe me now, don’t you? Clyff & Posh: Yes! Yes, we believe you! (or something along those lines.) Winifred: Well the only person it could have been was Spoonx, but when I checked on him this morning he was still out cold. Pooka: It sounded just like him. We think that the demon possessed him though, that’s how he came back from the dead last night! Winifred: That could very well be true. When I last checked on him, I was sure that he wouldn’t be waking up for another two days. But I still feel a little skeptical about this whole demon thing. Clyff: Well, what should we do? Pooka: One thing’s for certain, I am NOT leaving this room until we have a plan to get rid of that thing! Clyff: Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. Since the demon is stuck in Spoonx’s body, he won’t be able to get through the door unless we unlock it first. Posh: I’ll agree to that. The faster we think, the faster we get through that door. *** (It’s nearly sundown.) Narrator: Seven hours later. (The kids are lying on the floor or sitting in chairs, looking really really bored.)(Pooka snores quietly) Winifred: Anyone thought of anything yet? Posh: I think I have to go to the bathroom. Winifred: Well hold it in ‘cause it’s gonna be a real wait if we don’t think of something soon! Posh: I’m going to the bathroom. (Gets up and heads for the door) Clyff: What?! Are you sure you want to do that? Posh: If I’m not back in an hour, I’m a dead dork in a dish. (Posh leaves, shuts door behind her. Clyff sighs and shakes head) *** (Nighttime. It’s hard to see the characters.) Narrator: One hour later. Clyff: Do you think Posh is a dead dork in a dish yet? Pooka: Probably not. I haven’t heard any blood-curdling screams lately. Clyff: What do you think is taking her so long then? She didn’t have to go THAT bad did she? Winifred: (Looks like she’s thinking) I wonder if Forkk is done with his cereal yet. Pooka: I think we should go see if she’s okay. Clyff: Yeah. Winifred: Well, okay. But let’s stay close together. The power is out so we’ll have to use this flashlight. (Opens a drawer and busts out flashlight, she gives it to Pooka) (Winifred opens the door, and they tiptoe into the darkness.) End of Act 3 Act 4 (The room is black except for the flashlight beam. The kids walk towards the bathroom, quietly calling Posh’s name.) Pooka: Posh? (Shines light into the bathroom and looks around for a moment) She’s not in there. (a little louder) Posh, where are you?? Nunca: Pssst! (Camera turns toward the noise. Nunca is sitting on the couch.) Pooka: Posh, is that you? (Walks toward her, the kids and cameraman follow.) Nunca: Not exactly. (She is playing with a loop of string) Pooka: (gasps) You’ve possessed Posh, haven’t you! Nunca: Not exactly that, either. (Doesn’t avert eyes from the string) Clyff: What, then? Nunca: I am Nunca, Posh’s alter-personality. Winifred: Oh, really. Why haven’t you ever shown yourself to us all this time? Nunca: I didn’t feel like revealing myself to you lunatics, simple as that. But I’ve been getting bored of being in Posh’s body for so long. I just thought this would be a fun time to stir things up. Winifred: So you’ve been in Posh’s body all this time? Where did you come from before that? Nunca: (Gets up and walks to face them from a distance. Begins to create a cat’s cradle with the string.) I am from the Cat’s Cradle Nebula. Clyff: Never heard of it, dude. Nunca: That’s because I destroyed it ten thousand years ago. Clyff: Oh…what? Pooka: Oh, so you think Earth is next, huh? Well don’t count on it! (Pushes Nunca onto the floor. Nunca screams, replaced by Posh who gets up, confused. When this happens the power comes back.) Posh! Are you okay? Posh: Yeah, what’s going on? Pooka: We figured out that you have a multiple personality, and she’s going to destroy the world!! Posh: Oh…kaaay…I think maybe we should get some sleep… Winifred: Yeah. It’s been a long day. (Pooka groans/sighs in impatience.) End of Act 4 Act 5 (Scene 1) (Downstairs. Everyone is asleep on the floor or on the couches. Pooka, Winifred, and Clyff have red spots all over them. Posh and Pooka wake up.) Posh: Pooka, what are all those spots on you? Pooka: Huh? (Looks at her arms and gasps. Notices Winifred and Clyff’s spots too and wakes them up.) Clyff, Winifred, we have spots! Clyff: We must have the chicken pox! Winifred: I think I know what this is. The VooDoo Vamp has been sucking our blood, just like the paper said, and it didn’t get Posh because she was under that heavy blanket! Clyff: We’d better find its tools before the sun goes down. I totally don’t want this demon sucking our blood again. (Scene 2) (Upstairs in the bedroom, Forkk and Spoonx are playing checkers.) Forkk: Know what’s pathetic, Spoonx… Spoonx: Hobo Nation! Forkk: Those kids have been downstairs scaring themselves for a whole day now. Spoonx: Ooooooh! Forkk: All because of a prank letter and your big mouth. Spoonx: (Sings a meaningless array of words in opera.) Forkk: That gives me an idea. Spoonx: Dell me abooit it, gran’mah! Forkk: We should play one last joke on them. Spoonx: Oh! Yah! Yummy! (Stuffs checkers into mouth) End of Act 5 Act 6 (Downstairs. Winifred, Clyff, Posh, and Pooka are in the computer room sitting on the floor in a circle.) Winifred: Alright, here’s the plan. We search the house bottoms up. This room will be our home base until the demon is out. If anyone finds anything the tiniest bit suspicious, bring it in here and we’ll look at it later. Any questions? Clyff: Do you like ranch dressing? Winifred: Yes. It’s my favorite dressing in the whole wide world. Now lets move. (Shot from the side of the door on the outside. The mob is seen jogging heroically into separate rooms.) (Shot in Nick’s room. Pooka is looking through his underwear drawer. She holds up a pair, looks inside and inspects both sides.) Pooka: Nothing here! (Shot of Winifred stooping next to the toilet. She looks inside, and then shuts the lid. She gestures to it when speaking.) Winifred: Nothing here! (Shot of closet, one door is open and inside is dark. A muffled voice is heard-) Clyff: I’m stuck! (Posh is now holding the camera. She walks up to the stairwell door, opens it, flips on the light and looks through piles of boxes and other miscellaneous crud. When she reaches the furthermost corner there is a black doctor’s bag. Her hand is seen reaching for it and turning it to see it from all angles.) Posh: Hey, I think I’ve found something! (gasp) A spider! Get it away!! (Posh screams as if she has seen a ghost. Camera goes all over the place. All that is seen is a blur with an occasional hand in a swatting motion in the foreground. She stops screaming. Camera falls to the floor and tapes the wall and the corner of a box for a few more seconds. Silence.) (A few minutes later. We are now at home base with Clyff, Winifred, Pooka, and Posh. The bag sits in the middle of their circle.) Clyff: Geez Posh. It was just a little spider. Posh: (Preppy-girl “t” noise) I don’t like thpiderth. They thcare me. (Flicks wrist, then gets impatient) Can we look in the bag now? (Takes the bag and unzips it. Reaches in and takes out a handful of something.) …Straws?? Pooka: Huh? Clyff: So that’s where my favorite crazy straw went! Winifred: I guess this explains our spots. End of Act 6 Act 7 (Scene 1) (There is a knock at the door.) Clyff: Come in. (The door opens, and Fork and Spoonx collapse onto the floor. It seems like some unknown force is attacking them.) Forkk: Helpp-p…The demon…It’s attacking… (trying to crawl, wheezing and gasping for air, reaches toward the kids with one arm) Spoonx: (Flopping like a beached whale) Busted ankle! (Forkk slowly crawls closer. Spoonx kicks and rolls in that general direction. The kids are backing into a corner and scared to death. Forkk is still gasping for air. It seems like one of his legs are paralyzed or something. Spoonx is making strange noises. The kids are screaming bloody murder and yelling at them to stay away.) Forkk: The…the poke…poke of doom! (His outstretched hand folds into a pointed finger. It shakes violently as it edges closer. The kids are now squished into the corner as far as they can get. Spoonx is almost as close as Forkk is, flopping and convulsing. Just when the kids are about to die of fright, Spoonx lies still on the floor and Forkk gets to his feet and says-) Forkk: Take a joke, won’t you? You’re all so gullible. (Forkk sulks out of the room. Spoonx gets up, laughs his head off and pokes them for a while, and then runs out.) Pooka: (yelling loud enough so that Forkk and Spoonx will hear) I will take no more crap from the both of you! Do not come back down until you have something intelligible to do with yourselves! (Shot of Forkk with a wicked grin, one eyebrow raised) (Back to home base) Winifred: I think it’s time we had a séance. We need some real responses from this demon. (Scene 2) (Now the room is dimmed. The kids are sitting around an ouija board surrounded by miscellaneous candles.) Winifred: I would like to begin by saying that this group is of a good and delicious nature…wait, nevermind. Posh, carry on. (Switches places with Posh in front of the board) Posh: First, I need all of you to wear these. (Distributes a folded newspaper hat to everyone and puts the last one on her head) They will help to protect us from the evil spirit. Now I need everyone to join hands and repeat after me. (She recites the Pledge of Allegiance line by line, which they repeat.) Now we will proceed. Everyone place a hand on the finder. (They obey.) Oh, Great VooDoo Vamp, we need your answers! By the power of the Jehovah’s Witness, come- Clyff: Don’t forget the Amish! Posh: By the power of the Jehovah’s Witness and the Amish, come forth, and reveal yourself! (A few moments pass. Clyff belches. Posh draws her breath slightly and whispers-) Posh: Did you hear that? It’s a sign! Oh my gosh, what’s that smell…it’s definitely a sign. Somebody ask it something! Clyff: Do you like ranch dressing? Pooka: It’s moving! (The finder moves to “Yes”) Yes! It likes ranch dressing! Clyff: Right on! Posh: Shush, it’s saying something else…S…P…O…R…K…spork?? Are you sure we’re doing this right? Pooka: (Whispering) Listen! Do you hear that? (Crawls over and puts ear to the door) Something is out there… Clyff: Let’s check it out. Posh: Alright. Winifred, you guard the bag while we’re gone. End of Act 7 Act 8 (Our hatted heroes exit the room. It is dark, except for a strange light [a blacklight] and noises coming from the ping-pong room.) Clyff: (whispering) What is that? (The kids sneak to the side of the doorway and peek around the corner, just for a second or two. The camera does the same and catches a glimpse of what is inside.) Pooka: (is truly disgusted) I thought I made it clear to them that they should quit trying to play pranks on us! Posh: Hey, it’s not so bad. Now’s our chance to get back at them. Let’s play along. Pooka: (evilly) Okay…ready? (Pooka puts a finger over her mouth and runs into the room, followed by the other two and the cameraman. Forkk is playing an electric guitar. Spoonx is playing pots and pans. They have a glazed look in their eyes, staring straight ahead but their bodies still move freely. Green Day – Kerplunk is playing in the background to make them sound somewhat professional.) Clyff, Pooka, and Posh: (something along the lines of) Woo! Party! Oh yeah! (The three start dancing and mosh pitting. A while later Pooka bumps Posh a little to hard. Posh falls onto the floor, and Nunca gets up.) Nunca: You loons! You’re even more idiotic than I thought! Pooka: Nunca, we need to talk! (Pooka leads Nunca by the wrist out of the room. Nunca looks behind her and gnashes her teeth to the camera as she is being dragged.) Clyff: What’s a loon? End of Act 8 Act 9 (Pooka drags Nunca to the couch and sits her down on one end. She sits down on the other couch close to her. Note that the couches create a 90-degree angle, in case you didn’t know and needed some better visualization.) Pooka: Okay, why is it that you showed up the very next day after we won the demon? Something tells me you’re linked to this, are you not? Nunca: Not exactly. Pooka: Shut up with your “not exactly”s and tell me! Nunca: There is no link. It was all me. Pooka: You?…What? Nunca: I wrote the letter. Pooka: YOU wrote the letter? Nunca: I wrote the letter. Pooka: You WROTE the LETTER? Nunca: I wrote the letter. Pooka: You wrote TH- Nunca: Yes!! Pooka: Why? Nunca: I was looking for a laugh, and I was thirsty…for blood. Didn’t you think there was a better reason why Posh’s blood never was sucked? Pooka: What about Spoonx? Did you possess him? Nunca: No. It was all in your heads. Pooka: You mean…when we hid from you in that room for eight hours…you were in there with Posh the whole time? Nunca: Aren’t you smart. But I’m possessing him now. Forkk too. Pooka: Grrr! I thought they were kidding with us! (Yanks Nunca out of her seat and back into the room. Walks up to Spoonx and shakes him.) Wake up! Spoonx wake up! (Walks up to Forkk) Hello, can you hear me?? Forkk!! (Turns around and shakes Nunca violently) Wake them up! Now!! (All the shaking makes Nunca lose control over Forkk and Spoonx. They stop playing their instruments and look around. The music stops.) Pooka: Thank you! Now how can I rid your disgusting existence from our house? Nunca: There’s only one way to free me from Posh and destroy me forever…the magic word. Pooka: Oh! I know: Please! Nunca: No. It’s not quite that simple. Pooka: Clyff! What was that word from the ouija board?! Clyff: Spork! Pooka and Clyff: (chanting) Spork! Spork! Spork! Spork! Spork! (and so on.) Nunca: NOOOOOOOOO!!! (Clyff and Pooka shut head) No, that’s not the word. (Pooka sighs, Clyff groans. They are very annoyed.) Clyff: I knew that thing was defective. Spoonx: Vamos! Nunca: (exaggerated gasp) No! He said it! How did he…know…(falls to the floor, face first. Posh rises.) Pooka: Hey Posh, good news! We destroyed your evil alter-personality! Posh: Um…yeah…that’s just…great I guess. Clyff: Spoonx! How did you know the magic word?! Spoonx: Mini ladle! End of Act 9 Act 10 (The camera is staring at Forkk, who is mocking The Narrator very poorly.) Narrator: And so, as in most cases, evil was destroyed by utter stupidity. As for the rest of our cast…well, they lived. Winifred and Posh were oblivious to most of the story, so they pretty much got on with their normal lives after that. Forkk and Spoonx couldn’t have cared less about the incident, so they were left unchanged as well. As for Pooka and Clyff…well…they just felt special. End of Act 10 (Shot of all our characters in the ping-pong room. Pooka, Posh, Winifred, and Clyff still wear their newspaper hats. The lights are flashing and the blacklight is still on. The music is playing louder than before. Spoonx and Forkk are playing their instruments. Everyone else is dancing around/moshing/acting like an idiot. Even Forkk looks happy. Well, somewhat at least.) The End.
