Deaths a funny thing, at first it's like it hasnt even happend, you cry, because your expected too, but in a sense you dont really know what your crying for. It's like your in a space all of your own, you dont want to let anyone in cuz they wont understand even though you dont understand yourself. Then it's like you know theres something really important that you should have done and you havent, you've forgotten and your stomach turns when you remember. It's like that every morning you wake up, you feel sick because for a second when you open your eyes, everythings fine, then it hits you, you remember. And simple things terrify you, like the book he was reading the night before, still open on the night stand where he left it. His writing on post it notes on the fridge or his finger prints on glasses because you know that what touched them is dead and it's impossible to belive but it's true, he's dead and thats that.
Thats the initial reaction, when it hits you and it's devistanting. It bugs me when people sya "over you must be over it by now", you never get over losing a parent, never ever, i guess its the same for a parent losing a child, you dont get over it, you just live with it. It's like losing an arm or a leg, you live around the inconvinience. You wake up and every morning it gets a little easier than the morning before, then you start to enjoy things again, your not bitter anymore and you have fond memories of the time he was alive. In a sense you tend to start celebrating the life rather than mourning the death.
I was only ten when my father died and alot of people tell me that i didnt know my father that well, but i knew i did. Me and my dad had a special bond. He tried to make me feel special because i was the middle child and somewhat over shadowed by my younger sister. In a nut shell he tought me the most important lessons of my life; honest work and family. He taught me that its fine to have a big house, a fast car and lots of money as long as you deserve it, as long as you worked hard to get it. Basically all good things come to those who wait. He also taught me about pride and self dignity, no matter what you do, whether its a big shot lawyer or a janitor if you take pride in your work then people will give you the respect you deserve.
I know now after almost 10 years of hurting that my father was taken away from me for a reason, it's all part of God's plan. My dad's role in life was to produce 3 beautiful children which he did and if he hadnt had died those three beautiful children wouldnt have grown up with the strong morals and mutual respect for each other that they have today
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