I’m not perfect. This is a known fact between us. I have damaged hair, occasionally there are a few pimples on my face, and I am quite curvy. I have never been one of the ‘cool’ people on our block, I’m always on the outside, and have never had many friends. I don’t drink or smoke. I haven’t been to any of the parties David Rochester has every two months and I don’t drive unlike most people our age.
With all of this in mind, it still puzzles me why on earth you’d pick me out of all of the thousands who’d die to be in my shoes. You’ve always required the kind of perfection that is supposed to come with your line of work, and I don’t measure up to that. Sure, we did grow up together and were around each other for years, so there is safety in that, but I know there was more than safety involved. There was a strong connection that lingered below the surface, and a gentleness that only I knew of. It happened when you held my hand, or when you let me cry on your shoulder because someone or something had hurt me. We’ve never had sex, we haven’t even kissed but I still know how it feels to have your lips on my forehead or cheeks, letting me know that you were there for me when I needed you.
You and I both know when this all started. It was seven years ago in the park down the street from our homes. You were there watching your sisters make sand castles in the sand box, and I was on my way home from school. Once again I had let the people there get to me and I was in tears. I tripped on the pavement trying to hurry past so that you didn’t see me crying, and when you noticed I had fallen you came to my aid and helped me up. “Rae, are you alright?”
Looking up, I noted real concern in your voice and eyes and it shocked me. “Yeah... just tripped on my feet.” You gently helped me stand, and led me over to a park bench so that I could collect myself. “You didn’t need to help, I would have been fine.” I knew my words had hurt you, but you must know that I was so confused as to why you gave a damn about me.
You frowned at me and tucked your gorgeous hair behind your ear, “Sorry I bothered then. Just thought I was being nice. I guess you’re not used to that.” You were so beautiful, and although I had noticed the physical side of your beauty I never really grasped the part that was in your heart. It shook me up and for some reason I felt that I had to trust you.
I shook my head and the tears welled up in my eyes again, “No I’m not. And thanks I guess I did need the help.” You were so patient with me, letting me sit there and cry on your shoulder. You held onto my hand and kept saying comforting things that made me feel like we had been friends for years and you were used to helping me through those times. Once the crying stopped, I looked up at you and smiled slightly, incredibly grateful that you had been there. “Thanks...”
You grinned and wiped the tears off my face, your hands were so soft and warm and when they touched my skin tingles lingered behind. “No problem. Listen you look like you need a friend right now, do you want to come over for dinner? Dad’s Barbecuing Burgers and Hot Dogs so there will be plenty of food.”
No one had ever been that nice to me, and you seemed so serious and genuine that I couldn’t refuse. “Ok. I’d like that.”
This was the beginning of a long friendship, one that was tight and strong. You stood up for me when people teased me, and told me I was beautiful. You gave me confidence and strength to live my life. You always knew just what to say, and when you went away to record your music or to go on tour you always found the time to call or fly me to wherever you were so that we could spend a little time together.
We have always been an odd pair of friends, but always the kind of friends where not one person or thing could come between us. We were inseparable, and I loved it.
Not only did I love being with you, I have to confess that I fell in love with you. It was a high to have you touch my cheek, and a thrill to feel your hand encasing mine. I never wanted to let go of you, and it hurt when I had to. To see you with other girls made everything inside me rip in half, but I never let the pain show. I always smiled and told you how happy I was for you, and when the relationships were over, I let you cry on my shoulder and never told anyone that the cool confident person they saw in front of them always had a knack for getting hurt.
Secretly though I was happy when they were over. That way I once again I had you all to myself, even if it was only for a few months. I loved being the center of your world, and it felt like you loved to be the center of mine.
When my Grandmother died, you were the first person outside of my family to offer comfort. You knew exactly what I was going through, and your love and support got me through that rough spot in my life. I remember when I called you in tears at two o’clock in the morning, and you ran over and snuggled with me on my couch singing With You In Your Dreams, trying to help. Not only that, you were sitting right beside me at the funeral holding my hand, and passing me Kleenex when I needed it. You were wonderful, and I want to say thank you because I’m not sure if I did then.
You weren’t just there for me though; it worked both ways. When your album didn’t do as well on the charts as you hoped, I made sure to call and offer the best support I could. I got my small number of friends together, and we constantly called Radio stations across the state, and attacked TRL whenever we could to try and get you further up the charts. I don’t know if it made a difference, but it felt good to be helping you and supporting you after all the countless times that you supported me.
You had this way of making me feel important and wanted, especially when it felt like no one in the world wanted me. Two years ago, a week before my senior prom, I told you over the phone that I wasn’t going because I didn’t have a date. The next morning, I woke up to a knock on the door and found a deliveryman from the local florist’s shop with a bouquet of fresh Crimson African Daises (my favorite) and a note from you asking me if I’d take you. It was so sweet to know that you cared so much about me going that you left in the middle of recording to come with me. We had so much fun that night dancing and singing to the music (you made me feel special), and I still have our picture framed on my bedside table. Did you know that I dried my corsage? It’s wrapped in tissue paper and stowed carefully in my shoebox.
Then it happened. I had been dreading it for a long time, and the fear kept building up inside me. Eventually it surfaced. I can’t pin point the exact date, but soon after that night, our friendship started to change. You stopped calling as often, and I got scared to tell you how I felt about you. My heart wanted to scream it to the world; I was in love with you, but too chicken shit to do a thing about it. I thought you’d push me away, or tell me that we were better off as friends. It got lonely without you around as much. I didn’t have anyone to wake up in the middle of the night when the stars were shining bright enough for me to want to try and find the difficult constellations, and I didn’t have someone to dance in the rain with me. My friends were ok, but they weren’t the same. They didn’t understand my need to be quiet, or why on earth I’d rather watch the sky then the TV. You did, and that made you more incredible to me.
Then one day you called me. You were so excited and your voice was full of happiness. You had met the most wonderful girl, and you thought she was perfect for you. Her name was Sara, and she had long gorgeous dark hair and eyes, the sweetest personality and the kindest heart. You were feeling as if you were floating in the clouds somewhere far away from Earth, and I was feeling like I was being torn from the one thing I clung to in my life. An invisible gravity was dragging me away from you, and I couldn’t stop it. I desperately wanted to grow wings and fly to where you were, but no wings would appear and you just got smaller and smaller like a balloon full of helium floating higher and higher in the sky.
You brought her home to meet everyone and as you had said on the phone, she was perfect. You were so happy with her. I hadn’t seen that radiant glow from you before. I was the smiling best friend who was happy for you on the outside, but crying my eyes out on the inside. I was hurt so badly that I made my stomach upset, and after I met her and spent a little time with the two of you, I went home and threw up. This wasn’t a normal relationship and I knew it. Sara was the real deal, and I got the feeling you two were going to be together for a very long time; forever. She was in love with you, and so was I. I wasn’t about to make you choose, and I knew I was too late to tell you how I felt for you.
Now you’re trying on tuxes and picking out rings, flowers, cake, centerpieces, pew decorations, churches, honeymoon spots, and buying wedding dresses. You’ve asked me to come and share the special moment with you. How can I refuse? You are my best friend, and have been there for me through everything. It’s once again my turn to be there for you. I just wish that I were the one walking down the aisle. It’s difficult to see you with her Taylor, but I know from the way you look at her that you are in love with her and I want you to be happy.
This one isn’t going to end, and you won’t come to me crying from losing her. You two will build a strong relationship together, and I’ll just slip away into the background of your mind. I know that this is the way it has to be and although I’m not ok with it, I’ll learn to live with it. I’ll always love you, you have been so special to me and I’m so thankful for the many years we had together.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone for me, someone who’s perfect for me. Just like you did. I’m not perfect. This is a known fact between us, but I know that I’m perfect for you. I just wish I had gotten you to see that.
You’ll never get this letter, because it’s going to go beside my corsage in that shoebox that contains all of my favorite memories that I’ve shared with you. Thank you for being my best friend, and thank you for teaching me two important lessons: 1. Beauty is far deeper than skin, and 2. No one is perfect on their own. It takes someone to see their perfection, and to make it come alive inside them. I love you, and please, don’t ever change because you’re perfect just the way you are.
With all of my love,
Rae