“Now Zac, I want to know exactly how she makes you feel. Don’t give me all of that ‘it’s her hair and eyes and how she laughs’ and yadda-yadda. I want to hear about the real feelings. You can sit and write a beautiful love song with pure emotion in it. Give me that; the real juice.” She looked at me intently. I should have been terrified to be put on the spot like that but with her it was different. Fear didn’t exist when she was around.
I took a deep breath, and swallowed, “She makes me feel alive Grams. Sometimes don’t know what to do with myself. I get these urges to hold her. Just hold her like I used to when we were younger. She brings out the best in me. I am completely comfortable if she’s with me, and I know I can trust her and tell her anything.” I paused, I was slowly starting to hate myself . “ I've become afraid of my own brother. He’s never intimidated me before and yet I have to watch what I say around him, and I’m always looking over my shoulder when Libby and I are alone just to make sure that he doesn’t walk in and see something that could indicate the fact that I’m in love with his Girlfriend.”
She frowned slightly and cocked her head to the side, “Zac, did you tell Libby what's been gong on?”
I sighed and looked down at her hand holding mine and told her about singing to Libby and the kiss, and then what happened later that night at her apartment. I told her everything, it all just kind of came spilling out of me. I didn’t just tell her what had sent me home though; I even went as far back as when I screwed things up between the two of us. When I stopped talking, she just sat there looking at me thoughtfully. Eventually she patted my hand, “Zachary, you love her right?” I nodded, “Then why are you here? You should be in New York standing up for yourself. I know that Taylor is your brother, but I also know that he is a very forgiving person. He puts on this front with a lot of people, which can be stern and cold when he wants to be intimidating and he is probably doing it to scare you. He’s a very smart young man and if I know him as well as I do; he knows what’s going on. The two of you need to start being honest with eachother. You might not win Libby's heart, but you might be able to deal with your emotions a lot better if you and Taylor talked about it. I know that the two of you don't communicate feelings well, but maybe it's time you learned how to." I looked into her eyes and found honestly and sincerity staring back at me. She was right. I did need to talk to Tay about what was going on. It had to do with him, and whether I liked it or not, he needed to know.
Grams smiled at me, "And while I am handing out advice, I want to tell you something that I've been meaning to talk to you about for a while now." She paused to collect her thoughts, "I know that when you’re working, you let some of your ideas get passed up and agree to things you don’t like for the sake of keeping the band together. It’s time all of it changed. Take a stand, and become a better person in all that you do. You have no idea how much it will improve the band and how much happier you’ll feel once things are set right. I know how smart you are when it comes to music, and if you stood up for your ideas and beliefs you'd push your brothers in a direction that they will be happy to take once they become comfortable with the change. Don't let yourself slip into the background anymore. Push yourself beyond the limits you have set for yourself. Stop being afraid of the person that is inside you. He is dying to come out Zachary, give him that chance."
I was astounded. I sat there wide-eyed and unable to say anything, my grandmother saw in me something I hadn't really noticed in myself. I didn't realize that the reason I didn't push too hard for some of the things I wanted was because I was afraid. I didn't know how to respnd to her; I just sat there and allowed all that she had said sink in and become familiar thoughts. She grinned at me, “Do you want me to write that all down so you can take a bit of courage home with you?”
Courage… the quote ‘Courage isn’t the absence of fear; but the knowledge that other things are more important’ came to mind. She wanted me to take a stand when it came to everything in my life. Libby was part of that yes, but she meant with music, my future, and everything else that was important to me. The time to get my life to where I wanted it to be was now. I couldn’t just sit back and watch it happen before me anymore. I wanted to have more than one lead on the new album, and I wanted to put a few of our more edgy songs on it. I wasn’t just the ‘Drummer in Hanson’, I was more than that and I needed people to see that. It was time that the spotlight was shared between the three of us. I loved Taylor but he had gotten so much attention and Isaac and I both felt that it shouldn’t be all Taylor anymore. We were a band, and we should all be equals again like it was in the beginning. If we wanted to go back to our roots then we needed to do it properly. We had enough money to do it ourselves, and it was high time we did.
I grinned at Grams and got up and hugged and kissed her, “I love you so very much, and you’ve always given the best advice anyone could offer. I need to learn how to listen to it more often.”
She smiled and stood up, “So you’ll go back when you’re ready to and try again? And not just with Libby but with your entire life?”
I nodded, “It’s a frightening thought, but if I go back with the courage that you’ve given me, I know I’ll pull through.”
She hugged me again, “That’s the Zac that I know, you’ve never been one to just take what is given to you, and it broke my heart to see it. Welcome home!” She had a glint in her eyes that I thought might have been tears, “Your Grandpa would be so proud of you!”
I smiled slightly and stood there for a moment, “Really?” I wasn’t sure how to react to that. He had died two years after I was born and I didn't remember him at all.
She nodded, “Really. Lets go back outside, I’m sure your parents are probably wondering what’s been going on in here.” I nodded and put my arm around her shoulders, and the two of us walked outside together.