This file captures the meditation process I came up with and describes the process, contents as well as lessons learned. There is a summary note on enlightenment that came out of this process. I found a great value in this process so that I am starting to practice the learning as my life's principle process. While I spent about 20 hours or so altogether before I summarized the process here, the process can be further internalized with continuous polishing up job. Summary is the shell left behind. It is recommended to read the specific record of the process as attached herewith as that should tell the story in the most direct way. I hope the readers will capture the essence of this exercise and be able to apply it. If you try this out and/or have any insight, I am very curious as to exchange the ideas. So, please inform me as I think this may offer a great value.

* Note: If you have working knowledge of Wilbro's Guide (see info. on my home page) and/or Vipassana Meditaion (see info. on my home page), it will help understand the process much more easily. Also, reading from Dzogchen (see info. on my home page) will be a help to get the idea. If you find that all I have done here is a duplication of these approaches by any chance, I think that will be great because I may have found the working knowledge of the process that I am experiencing then. Thank you in advance for reading this material.

As it turned out, I was left home alone as my wife and son went to visit our friends for four days. So, I tried "meditation" even though I do not usually do Zazen. In this case, however, I had my computer on and kept on typing notes as various thoughts came up. I don't know why I did this way. But that was the process I took, and I found something very unique in this process - or so I thought. So, let me share with you. In order to get the essence, however, it may be most beneficial if you read the summary and go through the specific record of the process to get the hands-on feeling. I hope it conveys the point.

The basic structure of this file is as follow:

Meditation - Doing My Way *

Meditation is being in the state of Presence. If we are not accustomed to it, we do not know what it is. It is itself a process of self-inquiry --- and discovery. As we use conscious brain often to search what we want to do and how to do it, or why, etc., our brain's main function at such a state is in the beta wave mode. It is like computer using the software already developed to figure out the best performance out of it. This is the point of "initial phase" of H-theory I discussed before, i.e., how to optimize the output given the memory bank and our brain software. (See white book for the basic idea of H-theory if interested.)

As I see it, meditation is a process to look into the software itself and go deeper into the machine language, as well as reprogramming the basic way of running the programs (Operating System) in the brain in a different manner that suits X, i.e., the laws of nature. The purpose is to figure out the best performance of the total mind-heart-body system to the point of always creating and recreating the program to run our life as it is meant to be. There is a process part of it as well as contents part of it to understand the meaning of meditation.

To say a bit more, it is basically a process of touching the moment of creation. If there is any thought brought forth, say as a result of inspiration, it is like a record or a shell left behind as contents. While there is no life in it, it provides the important foundation for the movement ahead in building the human life or civilization. To see this happening, we may find that everything is aligned with the H-maximization process (the way universe operates to exhibit the positive law of entropy). When we realize that, we may find the wonders of the world are continuously played out in front of our very eyes while such realization may bring tears in our eyes, awe, or appreciation beyond words. Meditation is a means to be with that flow of movement and align our life with this principle way.

As mentioned, if possible, it is far better to read the specific record of the process as attached below and get the sense than reading the summary here. While this may help getting some idea, it is still a shell and not the experience itself.

** The First Day (7/11/00)

After a while, I got sleepy instead of getting to samadhi - as usual. But after all, I practiced whatever I can and recorded the process and pondered about it as I went along with this process. There are several phases I went through (Here, numbers correspond to the specific record of my meditation process that is in the attachment.)

Here are the major phases I went through during the day:

1. to 43) typical zazen. I fell asleep.

44) to 70) think this and that…

71) to 88) define the purpose of meditation to focus on -topic: "No I" or "No self"

89) - 108) again I fell asleep

109) - 143) I thought through the purpose of this process. As I came to my conclusion (insight), there was no need to meditate in a conventional sense. ((But, it may be said that the process helped to get to that conclusion.))

Since I got certain conclusion and found a new meaning in this exercise, I felt very happy about it whether we call it as meditation or not. Another point I noticed is that if we have more information in the brain and do not do anything about it, we have less and less time to digest fully. It is more like keep adding woods for incomplete combustion in the boiler system. So, I found a very good reason to have a day like this to clear things up every now and then. ((Later, I realized the importance of this much more.)) The approach I took with computer seems to help in my case as I can reread, check the logic, etc. as I wished. I did not think typing distracted me from the practice so much. It may have even made the process less boring and more stimulating!

** The Second day (7/12/00)

I started with the following stance: Today, as a new day, with some basic view, I go through the process again. The view I thought was as follows: Clarification of whole mind-heart-body-behavior system is to be done in such a way that the heavy luggage (e.g., knowledge or concepts) is redistributed its weight or thrown away as irrelevant from my brain for best use of that system. This is done by letting the healing or clarification from X (i.e., law of universe, Buddha nature, source of life energy) to take place and to re-organize the whole system, following the needs to fully utilize what I have - according to the laws of universe. Clearly, I need to do this often if I were to go through the passage of my life in a manner that makes sense - checked and balanced from all possible angles.

Again, there were several phases:

1)-38) Clarifying focus, leading to focus on mission

39)-64) Confirming the faith in the process, like tree growing, clarifying, over and over

65)-72) Mission of life

73)-82) Nature's way and human way

83)-87) Enlightenment as process

88)-100) Reflection, Everything is an act of enlightenment, H-max!!!

101)-Reflection of my meditation process, its benefits, and applications

* Beer later to celebrate…

** The Third day (7/13/00)

As I felt good about the process and contents from the last two days, I now have developed a faith in this process. Still contents and process need to be checked continuously. Also, I feel I can practice and am already practicing without sitting in front of the computer to do this. Even though the sitting and meditating part (even though this part is crude and it is often a dozing off process to me) is difficult to incorporate when I am not sitting, basically, I may be getting close to practice "this typing-meditation" more as "with the fact" way. It means to be "at present" where possible. So, I went through the third day not as disciplined as the first two days. I even had a can of beer at lunch.

Anyway, here is the summary, again in different phases:

1)-5) Settle down, Clarify key points from yesterday

6)-17) Paradox of Bodhissatva and Enlightenment

18)-24) Buddha's Enlightenment

** The Fourth day (7/14/00)

Referring to my knowledge base in my brain, I checked and balanced if my understanding was in line or not. Everything seemed OK. But, as soon as I started to write something about enlightenment, I felt something not quite right. This is the point I need to revisit….So, I certainly plan to go over the key areas in future. ((Later, I thought I found the reason why things tend to slip away. I think this happens when you are with the fact. Related to this, I remember Wilbro's phrase: "How can we remember things we have forgotten…" )) --Enlightenment is a process. So, it is healthy to forget it. ((On 7/15/00, I finished the note on "enlightenment."))

If Buddha's enlightenment is not the process but contents, he could have explained it easily. So, all he could do was to describe the Way like eight-fold path, an application guide. Not the awakening mechanism itself. The emotional response/reaction is also to be discarded. Otherwise, it becomes an another trap to chase for emotional excitement and lose the way as well.

First, here is the comparison of two approaches that may be incorporated in our life's journey:

1. Meditation - with Computer (Applied for the first three days. To understand the dynamic nature of this process, one needs to read the specific record of this meditation process attached herewith.)

If we were to sort things out in life and hopefully to reach to some resolution or insight, this process provides a means to clarify things up and pave the way forward. Providing with un-distracted time and a computer is all we need. There will be phases and mini-phases so to speak for one to go through, each breaking into a new territory by coming up with certain resolution. Careful review with conscious mind, checking the logic and asking the right question, will keep the process oriented in the direction that is connected to the key issues in life. This process combined or super-imposed with being at the "Presence" will bring in the wonderful nature's help, or help of X, into play. The result is an interplay of conscious and unconscious minds, or mind and heart, bringing in the God factor, X, for full actualization in our life. As far as I can see, this process should be applicable to various problem-solving activities. Since this comes with record, facilitator's help may be also considered.

2. Meditation - without Computer (As described here for the fourth day)

As one gain the expertise from above, he can do this without the help of computer. He may go through the process anytime or all the time as this process is based on how to activate all we have to deal with various issues in life. It is to solve problem, and to keep one's sanity, and happiness in line to the happiness creation process of the universe (H-max. universe). All of these are interconnected and simultaneously taken care of if we practice this process. Until he gains the confidence, however, he may use the process in 1) above every now and then until he is confident in his ability to practice it. Also, having contact with someone to be able to share the experiences will help in this process.

Conventional meditation practices, Enlightenment, Paradox of Enlightenment and Bodhissatva:

• Conventional meditation process seems very open ended except when koan is given to go with meditation. Still, Koan practice seems not directly addressing the process viewpoint.
• Shikantaza as Dogen promoted makes good sense from the point of being in "Present" but it seems to provide almost no linkage to apply "meditation" in life's action.
• I can relate to "enlightenment" as a process (See below for detail.)
• I feel the paradox of Bodhissatva and enlightenment is resolved with the view of parallel processes. That is 1) H-max - everything is enlightened (It is OK), and 2) We need to align everybody's life process toward H-max. and there is a lots of job to be done. (It is not OK). So, it is OK and it is not OK is the position of Bodhissatva whereas arhat takes the position of simply "It is OK" In ox-herding picture, this correspond to 8^th stage as arhat, and 10^th stage as Bottissatva. In fact, Bodhissatva may go across all stages of ox-herding picture to relate to people.

About Enlightenment (This is a summary note realized from this process)

Actually, it may not be a good idea to use the word like "enlightenment". It sounds heavy, and as soon as such word is spoken, many of us may think of something very special or foreign and start to have a distance. For example, the word may remind us the image of Zen masters who went through thousands of Koan training and many thousands of hours of Zazen and such things. There is even a saying like, "If you want to do Zen, you must be prepared to do Harakiri." Then, with such a mental distance created, the whole idea may not be communicated or even evaporated before we know it. Actually, that is the reason why in Zen temples, it is customary not to mention the word, "satori" or enlightenment. But in order to gain some insight about it and bring it into our life, let me try to sort things out. One thing that I need to point out however is that I am ignorant enough to talk such thing without any qualification. So, a caution is in order that this is just my personal view. Nothing more; nothing less. Just an embarrassing piece of work for a public ridicule except that I want to learn by getting some insight as feedback. With that, let me begin….

One notion I believe we should have is that "we all have a switch to turn enlightenment process going!" Subtle, but it is there. In the hearing of the sound of fly, in cleaning up the room, in birds, wind, and one's greeting, or in silence, it is right there. In other words, in everything, anywhere, anytime. By training, or un-trainings as some may say, I think this switch starts to work well. In fact, we have had it on until we ate the apple. But now, it is like when you want to turn on (the switch), you need to turn off (to think about it). If you chase it, it runs away. Also, if you think you got it, already, it is not there. Guaranteed. Very elusive, yet alive, indescribable, unknown, and nobody can say what it is but just "what it is" - like a "direct experience".

It is subjective and each one needs to find it by being in the state of what is. Therefore, you may not be able to tell if I have it or not, and vice versa. (Only exception may be, if that is the absolute state we are talking about, the enlightened one should be able to tell if the other one is enlightened if they are around with each other for some time.) For the same reason, the following is just my expression on the subject at this moment. It could well be written quite differently tomorrow as I and the state I am in changes constantly. Anyway, as I see it, there may be an indication of what enlightenment is or may be like. But I am not you, so I cannot see how you take it. Unfortunately, that is what it is.

Enlightenment is a continuous process that is apparent in nature, which basically means everywhere. However, we cannot see or relate to it unless we are enlightened. One way to find it is as follows. For us to conduct our life, we have mission, call it H-max. or maximizing or attaining the happiness. Then, there are "what should be" and "what is". This typically creates the need(s) and energy to address the need(s). Such need is however to be proven by the process of self-clarification, i.e., being presential and X, or quiet center, to see if the process is in line with the nature's way. In other words, the needs or energy to address the need has to be natural. This proof is to be gained by monitoring responses in mind-heart-body system. This is basically the same as finding us off balance while riding a bicycle. It is intuitively obvious and we have the innate ability to detect such off the balance situation since we are a part of nature. (This is the point of un-training for us to be able to do this well.)

Then, this checking and realization process is done by X, again a natural process, or we can say that that is an autonomous process. Thus, it is not a logical process or describable one because if that is the case, it is like the painting of cake that we cannot eat. There is infinite distance between logic and truth. In other words, once described, it is not there anymore. So, that makes this writing job very interesting. Also, for this reason, we cannot seek for it because seeking, in this case, is an act driven by concepts as our intellect is used there to describe things. So, it is not that, or even "what is" as soon as we describe it or even think about it. Reality is there and therefore, chasing it already misses the mark. So, one needs to directly experience this to know "what is". To say this differently, we realize it when we come out of illusion. Truth can be found by eradicating the errors. Then, we need to develop a sense of figuring out if we are in such an unbalanced state or not. This leads to the notion of Buddha's middle way.

When this is clear, and when one's awareness is astute, that is when one reaches to a sense of H(individual)=H(universe), or one's mission is identified with the nature's way. So, there is a sense of conviction and clarification in Mind-Heart-Body System. We may be able to say in such a process terms that, this is when total main-heart-body system is aligned with the nature's way. Some call such a state or experience as fallen off the body and mind. It indicate that nothing is supporting but left totally open without any intrusion of mind that just like sky is totally vast, there is nothing left but just be. This may be seen as insight, or process/movement/state one senses he is in. Such moment may be called as the moment of enlightenment. When I write like this, it sounds supernatural, but it is nothing but a natural state.

However, ultimately, the enlightenment is a process, not only a moment of feeling elevated or anything like that in a short term if there is such a sense. There are people who got elevated feeling and thought that they found some profound experience but after a while went back to the previous self without knowing why - only seeking to repeat that experience again. Obviously, that is a case of being caught in delusion. Instead, technically speaking, if one is enlightened, his whole Mind-Heart-Body system and his action should be proven according to the laws of nature. Or may we say that if one is truly enlightened, he does not know that he is enlightened because it cannot be important any more.

This is the same as, for example, if we think being natural is important, and if we need to keep talking, thinking, and acting about it to realize the state, we are not natural at all. It is like that. So, when I am typing this about enlightenment right now, I may not be enlightened. This may sound theoretical, but let me quote one of Myoko-nin's saying here, "Thank you for not eradicating my delusion. Otherwise, I cannot appreciate this." While he is not from the Zen background, his whole behavior shows the understanding of the message - and if I may, it points out the process orientation that he realized.

So, in pragmatic terms, the process is tied to living by eradicating errors as one moves ahead in his life step at a time. Here, errors mean not following the law of nature, and as detected by our natural senses. Then, we can address it following the process mentioned above if we are astute to realize our errors. (Let's make sure one more time that if we try to eradicate, we cannot.) Another way to characterize the process may be "hypothesis and proof" type of continuous process. It is a trial and correction of moving on our life's passage - while aiming to accomplish our mission which then should correspond to the mission of the universe, or H(individual)=H(universe) again.

Again, it is a process and such process needs to be proven by or in line with the nature's law - like listening to the voice from the heart. This means that he realizes when he goes into the state of error or inattention, and be able to get back to the way by being present while providing insight as we find in the process of creation in nature. It is a direct experience when "what is" and "what should be" is one. Certainly, one lives like this way is following the law of nature and he cannot be any happier than that. This is why when one is enlightened, everything else is enlightened - to find that everything is following such principle. So, the process of being one with nature itself is enlightenment itself.

When Dogen went to China, he had a question, "If we are born with Buddha nature, why then we need training?" When he was enlightened, I am sure this question was resolved as much as everything else related to Buddha's way. I do not know the specific story but if I may imagine, the above point was the point he realized. That is: when he got enlightened, he found that everything has Buddha nature, i.e.,, enlightened. But, if we are not, we do not understand that message and lost in delusion, therefore, we need to train ourselves. Or, un-train ourselves to eradicate the error that comes from not getting the point mentioned above.

Having said that, please again understand that I am not enlightened at all when I say so. I did not go through any training in any way for any length of time. Nobody has given any approval of being enlightened. In fact, I do not know how anyone can approve, either. Instead, I am ignorant enough to expose my delusion like this so that I can get the teaching from anyone to clear up my delusion. After all, I cannot prove to myself or any person around me anything. My eleven-year-old son talks to me that I am a "sad" case and am "demented" - without hesitation. In fact, if enlightenment is the state of being natural, what can be done to prove that I am in the state of being natural? By pointing delusion from what I just described? I am confident that all I wrote here is nothing significant or profound. I am just a clown and embarrassment. So, please provide me with comments for my learning. By the way, if I feel like a clown and am embarrassed in a natural way, well, maybe it is a very comfortable state to be in.

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The following is the detailed track record of four days. It is extensive in length, however, this is probably the best way I know of capturing the process of thinking and non-thinking. Obviously, if we record the contents of meditation like this, it will be different for each person. My hope is that readers can find this as an interesting way to track the process and get the knack of it in your own way. This is just my attempt. Nothing else.:

*Note: ((..)) are the comments inserted later when revisited for review.

Let me see if I can track the process: ***Started around 10:30***

1. Close my eyes as it seems to help to shut off unnecessary disturbances - since the point is to see how deeply I can peel off the outer shells of my self.
2. I decided to make my self comfortable in a natural posture since this may take some time. Since I cannot sit well cross-legged, I sit on a chair where my butt feels somewhat settled. I will try to keep my backbone straight.
3. Now, I hear birds singing out side. I hear my computer disk also running.
4. Let me see if I can identify myself with the song of the bird - as it is also known as samadhi is the state we get when meditate.
5. I hear other sounds. The wind at the chimney, car passing, more birds singing.
6. I am not tired of sitting yet. I am curious what may happen. But I know I should not seek to see anything to happen. It has to be natural.
7. I start to focus on my breathing, and my body to see if I feel any unnatural sense.
8. I ease my tension on my shoulder, and breath from deep down my belly.
9. Slowly breaths. Dirty air/mind out, fresh air in.
10. I feel that I am not thinking much, except to monitor what I feel and to keep track of the process.
11. I prepare myself so that I do not suppress any thoughts coming up. I will let it flow as it comes up and see what happens - without me trying to suppress.
12. My back hurts a little. But let me see, if I can still manage to go through…
13. Sun is a bit bright, but let me see, if I can be not disturbed….
14. Flies hitting the window occasionally…making little noise.
15. I think, "Am I in the Presence?"
16. And I realize, if I think, I am not….
17. Nothing is happening…10:53 So let me see how my self may function so that I can see how "I" detect that and to see if "I" can just observe.
18. I feel my knee cold..
19. Or is it I or knee itself feeling cold?
20. Lets call it my knee as fractionalized self or mini-brain, and I just let it feel without me a part of it to identify with.
21. OK, it seems like I can let my knees, back, sun light, etc. not to bother "me" what ever that Me is. 10:57
22. When bird sing, I will let it sing without my mind to follow the sound.
23. My stomach growls, I remember that this happened before… it is a sign of relaxing to get into the state..
24. I hear my heart pounding louder… I remember this.
25. I feel my knee cold - so let them have the blanket. 11:00
26. I feel curious as I am typing this as I go on… But I will let that curious self to be its own as I observe… or let my quiet center observe the process..
27. So an idea is to let that fractional self to go, and I to go and let the quiet center to just observe… In fact, self, frac. self need not go… QC to observe that is all.
28. Is it quiet? Self asked the question… So let me see, if I can figure out what this self is doing. Or, not to throw away, but without efforts, to see if there is any substance in it.
29. Or, better yet, let that thought pass. That is "Is it quiet?".. I do not care for the answer, I just let the thought come up and ask the question without let that thought root itself to anything…11:07 (I have time..I am just experimenting)
30. Would I be getting good at thought just pass?
31. And I will let that question to pass through.. as well
32. Let me try… last time I felt something when I felt a bit tired, I thought who is that I who is tired. And I went into a deeper level when I asked that question for whatever reason. (( After thought on this: ** May need to revisit**))
33. I guess last time I experienced, "I" was gone as I felt that … when I put me into I, I was gone… ((But so what?))
34. I guess I could not answer that question, and then I was absorbed in "I" and there was no more I when I was absorbed…I recall that now.
35. I also recall, I was scared a bit then, as I lost my identity…when I was absorbed. So quickly I quit and then my self was back and that funny sensation was gone. That I remember. But this time I am curious to figure out what happens if I let the situation be with out being scared and just let it be… with love - perhaps? 11:17
36. I also remember that at the moment my brain wave seems to have changed the wave length. Also my eyes seemed to start to have moved - almost like finding the screen in front of my eyes darkened.
37. Let's just focus on the breathing…
38. I am starting to feel sleepy now.. as I remember this feeling before.. 11:23
39. OK, I should keep my eyes open from here.. as I feel sleepy.
40. Now, I am totally relaxed, and feel a bit sleepy…11:28
41. Is this experiment a failure? I missed to get into samadhi..
42. I remember that wilbro does not seem to meditate,,, so.. let me see if I can inquire… and see how deep or how far it goes.
43. Totally sleeping. 11;44 (There was no me, or I but only sleep.)
44. I remember Zen monks asleep doing Zazen.
45. So, let me "try' again. To go back to 42)
46. With my eyes open…. How can I do that to inquire…?
47. Perhaps half eye closed and eyes focused on one spot.
48. Now, the task is.. who I is, and to observe from quiet center about my emotion, thinking, physical sensation, etc. and to be in Presence..
49. Do not think just observe, if think then let it just be and observe the thinking…11:53
50. And let my eyes move around if they desire so..
51. The point is being natural..relaxed, but not asleep.
52. Let's carefully investigate..
53. Investigate at the state of presence…
54. Or, just be.. and the task is to stay in Presence.
55. Just be aware of every thing going around.
56. Riding with the moment of presence..
57. Remember: Mind moves freely without abiding anywhere….
58. What I am experimenting here is to find a different mind state.. awakened state.
59. A state of cat or dog… or bird, is it??
60. And if thoughts come up, let it be there if it wants…but keep that quiet center watch.
61. And see if I can play between me, I and "no I". ((" The notion of "No I" became a problem to direct my thought?))
62. Or, is there a different kind of "no I" state? Like void, and "No I" filled with something?
63. Like "no I" filled with sound of one hand clapping? But when I ask such a thing to myself, there is I who is asking, so such question may be just passed by and see what happens…((Correct!))
64. This may be the questioning, self-inquiry process of a kind? Or perhaps it does not matter.. 12:08
65. Because if we seek for it we will not find it.
66. I remember, there was a movement.. me and I gone.. no thinking was there - when I noticed that I was getting tired and asked who this I was and went into different state… "Thinking of No-thinking" like slipping through a gate..and come back when I started to think again.
67. How do I find the gate to go through again? ((Did I notice me intellectualizing again?))
68. I think it is everywhere.. in the sound of wind, birds, etc… as well. Because this world is that world. I am sure answer is there too.
69. (*****Phone ring*****) 12:15-
70. (*****Back at 3:45*****)
71. Let's go back… I guess the point of this exercise is to see 1) if I can go deep into my mind and go through or break up the "I" and 2) to see the universe without "I", and 3) see if I(?) can experience the nirvana.
72. Wait, if there is no "I" then who is experiencing? If it is as-it-isness or just being, I guess, there is no dualism and no "I" -- so it is the nothing space without anyone in it?
73. If so, there is no one to experience. Is it experience experiencing itself? Or this means observer and observed become one? One sees one self, X sees itself. It is the absolute state of being. As there is no dualism, there is no time. The space is infinite.
74. Or, if it is the scene of creation, that is what is, then, there is only energy? Vibration? Flashing light? A red ball of light rolling?
75. Or, these are only human thoughts and need to be experienced? But who? Or just … experience, like dog or bird as there is no dualistic or thinking there.
76. And if I did that, does that mean I am then the same as dog, bird, etc? or what? Then, what is the use of that?
77. Or should I "think" that it is when the prajna wisdom shines through the brain such that all dualistic thinking is now re-organized or rewired to make complete sense? Or to see the fallacy of concept of "I"?
78. If 76) is the purpose, it is a waste of my time, so I think. If 77) is the purpose, certainly, it may clarify the "I" and should help conducting my life from not the point of "I" but from the universal point of view.
79. I think there has to be some consequences to this process to change something as opposed to becoming dog or bird every now and then.
80. But to get there, I have to let go of ego, dualistic view, thoughts. Or not to be influenced by it. So, let it be. ((If samadhi is the purpose..))
81. Also, I am sure this state is a state of "It is OK." Cannot be bad. Conceptually speaking, it is to redistribute the energy in mind so that it is not localized, that is all. From fixed view of dualism, self, etc. to open view of infinite, absolute space, timeless time. That is the difference. Again, the purpose is to be awakened to see and let the mind at the natural state. Nothing to be afraid of.
82. If there is anything afraid of, it is me, ego, the fixation, the very thing that need to be thrown away for this experience to be had.
83. Is there a chance of not being able to come back to my self? Is that a fear? I guess I need not to worry about it because… I have not heard of anything bad… It is just sitting. And I can keep my eyes open. I can explore slowly.
84. So, breaking up of "I" is for wisdom. To discover no-self state and see how "I" can live, or to live according to the law of universe (perhaps combined with my past memory and without delusion).
85. But I have to let go of "I", my self, to find out… so let me try….
86. I should have "I" everywhere in my life. So, I should be able to see if I can let go of "I" in any instance "I" is encountered to see if it can be broken up or dissolve and see what comes about.
87. This goes back to wilbro's Guide process with passive observation except that "I" is now the target, not just reaction in thoughts, feeling, or physical sense. They are used as it was the case. Yet, the main focus is what is behind "I". More complex and possible abstract with many links perhaps than dealing with just one symptom.
88. (**** another break ---back at 6:20****)
89. OK… as much as I can start from anywhere, why not start here… Now, I thought various things about meditation and breaking up of "I". This "I" did the thinking. So…if "I" stop thinking…or keep thinking but silent observer watch this process…where is I?
90. So.. let me find "I" first to get rid of. OK, I am thinking.. so I should be able to grasp I to get rid of I. ((If I try, "I" will not go away..But I have to find "I" to get rid of it as well.))
91. And.. when I think if I am gone, I am not gone. So it is slippery here.
92. I guess I have to see how long I may be gone… perhaps and see if I see anything happening in between noticing I playing any role actively. 6:22
93. 6:29 I was feeling comfortable and got awakened by the sound of crow.
94. In this period I asked few times, "Did I go away?" and realized that that is another thought to be observed as opposed to be answered. But in this period, there was quiet silence. It was peaceful. But as I was closing my eyes, perhaps, I got sleepy..
95. Well, let me try again…..Let me keep my eyes open this time. 6:31
96. Now, I feel there is I that want to go through this. More I want, more difficult it gets…
97. So, relax, and watch…just be aware… attentive to the moment.
98. Deep breathing..
99. To the emptiness….
100. To the full awareness..
101. Everything in me is activated..
102. Physical sensation is monitored, check emotional.. and cognitive… as well
103. Yes, I can be in this state
104. Let me try nam nam ((little chanting)) to recite…
105. I get sleepy… Wake up!
106. Open eyes!
107. Move around if necessary…
108. ***Washed dished, made tea***
109. I remember… Zen start from when we cannot think any more…
110. Which means there is a problem and I need to think the best I can. Otherwise, just seeing may not be enough to break through the "I" barrier.
111. OK, so, let's assume that and… see the limitation of thought on "I"
112. According to 87) the reaction is the focus of attention….so, no reaction… just wait and see, or…
113. Somehow, I do not think it is about emptying the mind…..but. is it?
114. I think it is about opening the conduit to X….so attention should be somehow oriented to that notion.. but this is too abstract?
115. Even it is slow, I feel I am moving on in my "thinking". Just need to be careful…. to move on
116. What is my problem consciousness. Buddha had one…. When he sat.
117. And had a question mark when he sat. and he became one with it… ((He went back and for the the 12 -Innen, meaning he was thinking!!))
118. What is my question mark? The subject? Koan? Problem? If I do not know what my bind is, how can X unbind it? ((I think it may..but focus should help))
119. Just like Eka's case, am I just a happy guy? Nothing to seek for? Do I like to take away my unsettled mind? Do I have such mind? Show me!
120. It does not look like a unsettled mind.. at least now..
121. But if so, why do I keep reading many books, posts, etc. and spend so much time? What is the purpose? Do I want to be looked as an enlightened person? Want to write a book? Want live the most meaningful life?
122. Last one, meaningful life? Is that it? And not to be disturbed… away from delusion, is that it???
123. Delusion, unsettled mind, these are nebulous terms…. It comes and goes. So do I need stability in mind? What does "to live the fullest" mean?
124. Is it something to do with death? Maybe….otherwise, why bother to live the fullest.
125. But to try to live the fullest may mean, it creates bind and… it becomes the source of delusion does it not? Like I may push too much to live fully instead of…just living fully or naturally.
126. But Daisetz pushed.. or tried his best to do some good and he was one with it. Maybe he did not push himself, but may be needs driven to contribute to the humans.
127. So, is that what I also want - a higher goal? If so, just find a target and work on it… yes, no?
128. Or, is it a process of doing it - that I want to learn. And practice it. A different kind of learning? But it sounds too generic.
129. Or, perhaps, I am just curious about the "enlightening" experience many people(?) talk about.. even though it may be fallacy…? And small chance as found in the case of Mr. Tamaki?
130. Then, I need to study what is so different from me….But since "enlightening" experience itself is mostly a subjective matter, there is nothing but to read and study…..would this be good enough?
131. If just wanting to be happy, why not just self-hypnotize? Somehow it does not make sense. (But are not there many happy people who are not "enlightened"?)
132. Daisetz says Zen is the most serious matter of life. Do I not understand that message? If it means truthful and sincere to life….have I not tried to cut unnecessary and focus to study, and live accordingly??? And try to capture the learning and put them into my white book, as much as I can…. Doing my best?
133. If so, what prevents me from writing is the point of concern.
134. Then, I thought "Enlightenment" and "Passage" are the ones that are now pending in that book…. So focus should be there….as I have been trying, but…. What is enlightenment? Am I in delusion to think like that?.. But ten ox-herding picture indicate… that is the step.
135. Yet, am I uncomfortable to write… without "experience", and approval by me or by someone else to be able to write????
136. I think that difficulty of writing I may face is the point that requires focus and creativity… is it not? Or can I write?
137. Or, is there any way to practice?????????????and compare notes…..Wilbro perhaps!!!! Or Prof. W. Even Carl from Stanford! Mr. Nara!!! Itabashi!!! Nishimura!!! (There are many who may be able to help me if I am focused, If I am not focused, it may end up in generic… but still I can do with Wilbro I hope..)
138. Instead of waiting for "Enlightenment" why not just go ahead to write??????? Is it unfair to the readers? But I can clarify on the way, anyway..like Mr. Nakayama!!!! ((That is the reason I started to write white book thus far. And now its been pending because of the green book.)) At learst as a trial, write it and ask the society to be involved in thinking and working in the direction????? Would that be most worthwhile??? ((Sounds pragmatic - if I do sincerely and truthfully!! And I will do so!))
139. Nobody will approve me as enlightened. It is a process.
140. I am doing OK in my life. So instead, just move ahead! And see what happens?!
141. If that is what my "Heart" says, this is it! No more meditation but work.. and reflect as I go….Somehow this sounds productive. And something I can do! Feed my energy into it!!
142. (****7:30****) Well, may be rest time! Cool off and review..
143. (***8:30***) Buddha did his job. I can do my own with what I have!!! I may find things on my passage as well. And if I do my best, I do not think there is anything to be regretful about my life when I pass away.

(Reflection) Come to think about it, even though what I went through may appear to be as random thoughts for others, there was a clear thread that I see in this process. So, this is the "meditation - my way." Possibly, this is different from Dogen's way. But I am not sure if it is really different. I clarified the picture and I think I found the next step to go forward in my life - like tree grows. I had lots of sleepy time but it may have helped a lot - unconsciously. (Such sleepy period may be called as Alpha wave resolution/self-organizing process.) Also, it was not a boring or tiring process at all. I enjoyed it especially when I reflect back and feel the movement, or the progress that indicates that this is a good process, at least for me. During this period, I felt consistent tension - a natural and genuine one so I think. Then, the second day experience confirmed all of these views as deeper insights were realized.

Today, as a new day, with some basic view, I go through the process again. The view I thought of this morning is as follows. Clarification of whole mind-heart-body-behavior system is to be done in such a way that heavy luggage is redistributed its weight or thrown away as irrelevant from my brain. This is done by letting the healing or clarification from X to re-organize the whole system following the needs to fully utilize what I have according to the laws of universe. I need to do this every now and then.

With that, let me begin: (9:55)

1. Let me settle down….closing eyes, relaxing…
2. Mind movement, physical, emotional reaction are all representation of what I have within. If there is a disturbance there is a symptom of that somewhere.
3. Otherwise, there should be peace and harmony.
4. If I am present, I am leaving my mind alone to move by itself….and let it settle, find its place on its own…
5. More advanced I can do this without disturbance of life, this world, more I can go inside and the whole system should be better re-organized.
6. Breathing slowly.. relaxing…. After a while started to feel sleepy. 10:01
7. Let's open eyes and… start to have some focus….((Focus??))
8. I went through what to do, yesterday. I am curious to find: With the understanding of the view mentioned above, continue to peel off or throw away the excess luggage or search for ways to peel off. So, let me try…on this for now.
9. I think it is a process of…transcendence… Buddha's case.. go over "self" But his hard training was not helpful as it only strengthened I, by trying hard to letting go…
10. And that was his awakening process. Should I try this point or should I gradually work out mini-enlightenment?
11. If I am dealing with complex self and koan is a way to peel off - perhaps once for all or gradually - it may be better to work on small one first and see the linkage is there if any with the big one. ((Idea of small and big may not make sense.))
12. Should I think of the model or focus on the specifics?
13. It is getting heavy…and at the same time I am getting sleepy again… tea time. 10:14
14. Koan seems like an idea to practice. But, I am not sure if I want that…((Can I be pragmatic?))
15. Still, I have to put all of my existence to the issue at hand to move on…
16. What is that issue? I, self? Total system of mind-heart, … they are all related.
17. Then, yesterday, I came upon working on the white book as a way to find the bottle neck………
18. And so far as I have some framework and be able to put things together, that should be it. So, I concluded. Let me read that piece again…
19. I guess this process is a Hypothesis and Proof approach. Meaning if my hypothesis, logic, etc. works, I consider it as OK for the practical purpose. And I have hypothesis as I recently posted at UOZ. ((This correspond to the second post I made on "Stars on the orbit.")) That is hypothesis from collected thoughts and people's experiences. ((Hypothesis is not direct experience))
20. Let's say that is it. Then, the next question is how I can prove that. Of course, I need to reflect on my experience. ((Putting "I" first??))
21. Also, I may not need to peel…any more, or for now….that is a possibility. Or hypothesis. If so, why bother to meditate?
22. To check and balance - as Buddha seems have done…. Taking time. But, it may be just a form… and mind inside may be doing the kind of things I am doing here. Possible? Yes, and in a different level I am sure.
23. Lets meditate, and see what I said make sense…..10:31
24. #1, I think it must be pragmatic, the focus ((Why not total experience??))
25. #2, the focus must be tied to the core of life for it to be meaningful
26. #3, Process must be presential
27. 10:39 Almost fallen asleep ((Because it is not connected to the well? X? How do I interprete the sleepy feeling? Being natural?? Let X to do the job?))
28. It has to be tied to one's mission…
29. Do what my heart tells..
30. As Picasso said, The important thing is to do, be what it may be…((Passion?? Where??))
31. A bit different point: Truth cannot be expressed by words..?! The same with compassion. It has to be practiced….But in white book, I am trying to describe so there is difficulty. But without words, we cannot communicate. So….
32. But Daisetz spent his whole life in doing that….and it comes across…..
33. Because he did as Picasso said. And that was his mission in life…. And compassion.
34. ((Is mission like hypothesis? Or heart telling the urge to express? Latter.. It indicates means=end.))
35. So, he found the way. Perhaps as much as Buddha found the way to communicate.
36. I had the same difficulty in writing the green book. But now it is done regardless of whether or not it may communicate the point.
37. Wilbro said the mission at UOZ is to shake the shells….clear!
38. It is sincerity at the core. Yes.
39. And if we approach our life from that point, it does not matter what the end result is - almost.
40. So, be there and all the words flow from there….if I write
41. And… be there when I read books, etc. so that the alignment to the core is kept.
42. And… be there when I act in my daily life, so that there is no delusion created by the wrong act - meaning leaving some scar mark in the subconscious to come back to me.
43. So, rake, and clean up. Reflect. Not to engage in wrong act. Be smart…prevention.
44. This is sila… and reflect is almost samadhi, and wisdom comes in a small scale in my case as I go along. But may lead to somewhere as the clarification bears fruit at certain point in time. ((Tree analogy of life))
45. There is no human thing involved but the attitude and practice to go through..
46. I need to do this over and over …..it is part of rewiring.
47. Strengthening, to connect or to open the conduit.
48. And if that is understood, then… the focus is like tree growing by trying this and that.
49. Just listen to the voice within, have faith in the process, and experiment!!!!
50. Always, presentially….and let the road be opened up and lead me the way…11:00
51. Things I cannot know, I do not have to know. Let it be X or its variables…
52. And it is OK…
53. Did not some one say: To escape is to know that we cannot escape??????? Then we escape. Was that wilbro?
54. That's very natural…no ego involved to say that. Let it be…passive observation.. and insight… from X, from somewhere in different dimension.
55. We think there is shell. But there is no shell after passing the gate. It is our own binding, own creation, ropes around us. More try to unbind, it binds us more….(Is this not Faith Mind - Sosan?))
56. And when we burn out of struggle, and star light come through our eyes, there is a realization of unbound.. freedom.. free from nothing. We are the solution.
57. Do I really know this when I type these words? No…and it is OK, is it not?
58. Is it like throwing my whole self away to the unknown, X, and see the world as OK….(as I experienced before) Everything was forgiven, and tears flew. ((Faith..)) ((Perhaps faith means No self))
59. Is that not a conduit? And tears appearing from the bottomless well?
60. And there is but a smile and appreciation? Because there was The Answer already given before the problem was raised…
61. And to know that unknown… X… compassion, wisdom, all over us in this universe….behind everywhere… is it not what it is? - we call truth?
62. Is this also called hypnotizing? Irrational? Or super rational?? Subjective truth?
63. Cannot prove it…because it is the act of unknown, X. 11: 13
64. (****Lunch****) 1:12
65. Review….
66. About Mission: Means=End, Passion, Life itself,, Sincerity, Faith, Conviction, Whatever happens it is OK, The energy, Expression of what is. Voice coming from the heart…
67. So what?
68. Be….as natural as one can get… as faithful as one can get….as sincere as…with full mind-body-heart- everything…in it…
69. When I eat, write, read, walk….be with mission of life, X
70. Then, my mini-mission may be writing. Why is it so? I do not know. Even without much skills I have, that may be the only thing I can do…and it is OK. Even nobody read or listens.. (LOL) Actually, skills, I don't care…If I am in it, nothing matters… will it not?? I am just a brunch of a tree to try to reach out to somewhere. And the whole universe is there with all the potentials - even if that may not be materialized.
71. Call it self-justifying, self-indulging…still, why not? Hope, dream, craziness, creativity, are they all not related? I am just a nobody with full potentials….talking to myself… as sincerely as possible…. As much as this life is such a precious gift…to do my job.
72. Well, meditation, that I thought I get into is moving to somewhere else. So, let me go back to the attention state if I can….
73. 2:40 Was it my fractionalized self talking to justify itself???
74. In that state, was there "what should be" and "what is"? And because of that, I got energy? Instead of conflict??? If so, what does it mean?
75. (Energy for achieving the Mission) = (What should be) - (What is) Is it not? And.. the universe is changing in that direction is it not??? ((Which is "what is"))
76. And if the energy flows, through the "well" or "fountain" to express as Krishnamurti or Picasso or Daisetz did, in a natural manner, is it not just natural??
77. Yes!… and this is the point of alignment between natural way and human way. Is it not??? That is to say, nature's mission need to be aligned to human mission… and that is my H-max. concept for the whole universe…I think/feel/believe so…That seems to make sense…
78. (Now, let's see if that was the point of release insight.) to reflect, and learn…and build tree brunch a bit more…
79. It has to be…. So all inspiration is to realize that the insight gained is in line to H-max. (universe) Edison, Picasso, Einstein, Zen monks enlightenment, Breakdown of Berlin wall, etc. etc. It is tree growing…
80. And it is OK to write a book about it.. to share the thought, process, energy flow! Us joining together to build the universe. Means and End…Be one with the flow of energy flow of the universe…
81. Eat, sweep, paint… learn, act.. build.. have sex.. go fishing… all of these are seen as (if done according to the way..) the way to match the H-max(universe)
82. So, I am going to write about it!…It has to be written….to appreciate why we are here for… not to be in misery.. but with hope…and be one and all in itself in what we do…
83. So, in that light, enlightenment is just a step..actually, it has to be continuous enlightenment process we need to go through.. to be in line with the Way…not momentarily event.. but live being one with it!
84. All breathing… is an act of enlightenment, then. All blood circulating, crying, listening, laughing… etc. etc. And.. this is then, perhaps, one calls, this world is as itself a world of nirvana.. or something like that. Because, everything is alive….as they are. The life cannot be better than what we've got.. (LOL) ((Is this the release?? Seems so.))
85. Now.. let me see what I felt makes any sense or not…. In my gut level, yes…..3:04
86. If that is all there is.. I can be only smiling….(theoretically.) because everything is as it is..
87. (*****break*****) back 5:04
88. Was my mind quiet then? I felt more excited… felt vibrant, then. Should it have been quiet? Not sure.. ask Picasso.. vibrant but not crazy…
89. Let's reflect….the last part. From 66)
90. Now, if this is the passage, or the way, certainly, I have to come back here.
91. But which "I"? "I" being one with the mission moving toward H-Max. (universe)
92. Too conceptual? Somehow, I do not think so…As everything else is in that process..i.e., Buddha nature, so am I. Except, I need to reflect along the way - constantly. Off to delusion, and back on again.
93. How can I tell? By all senses. And being presential… and appreciate the learning and keep building upon it - like tree grows…
94. And, in relation to Bodhissatva…., there is H-max. again. That is that I see alignment to H-max(universe). And I think I can use the idea of business planning, mini-company idea. Which is to use the brain… find cause and effect and still be at the present….all business strategy concept is applicable. Customer-supplier, etc.
95. And that represents the laws of universe anyway…
96. Now, let me settle down again….5:20
97. Like going to the no-mind state….
98. And let all these thoughts to be… integrated, made harmonious… to see if I sense any reaction…
99. If what I went through makes sense, it will be sorted out by nature's way, and I will see the outcome as it will become part of my programming, like developing brunches to build upon.
100. I will let X to take care of that task and all "I" do is to see the reaction in mind, in feeling and, sensing physically.
101. ***General comment Re: process***
102. Actually, I like this process. It has an element of meditation, fun to see the typing to move on, be able to check the thoughts process, can tell if I am using the basic principle of passive observation, and there is no formality…I can take break, have tea, do exercise, come back, etc. and I am doing by my own. Can read, refer books if I like, but that should be minimal.
103. Lots of questioning, investigating, actively.. so keep me on the toe as opposed to go through meditation. But if I feel overworked.. I can stop, read again, and do some passive observation. And more I do, the process of passive observation become part of the process and be able to practice more and more…
104. So, I can include this part, 102, 103 and general process incorporated into my white book as well.
105. Yes, life is a process of book writing in a way.((Be careful.)) At least, that is what is taking place in our brain. Writing more software program. And this process can let us see how we are using it. Also, checking timing makes it interesting.. even falling asleep may make good sense…. Perhaps going into alpha mode…every now and then. ((Also, typing/recording makes to not to use memory as much so that such efforts does not constrain the flow of the process.)) ((If we have so what attitude and the process of insight/passive observation, we are bound to get to the core issue in life!)) ((Combined with typing, this process itself will almost automatically lead to self-clarification.)) ((So, applying this will be connected to the journey itself.))
106. It is basically the same as talking to oneself.. but within oneself there are various voice, messages generated., i.e., from heart, memory, intuition, etc. And because of the typing, it is easy to edit, revisit, find the flaw in the process, and facilitate self-learning… provided that one has a skill to do it. If not, someone else can read and make comment as well. 5:37
107. It is like there are waves.. and phases in this process. One can go through like a PDCA cycle. Segment by segment. Each has meditation, quiet observation at least at the end, if not practiced all the time. Then, one can highlight key messages for each segment and summarize at certain interval. That sure resembles the process of growing a tree.
108. Another thing, we do not need to memorize the thinking, observation, insight, etc. They are all recorded. (Perhaps, I can incorporate N-H matrix and this technique together - and even mini-company idea- to use in "life management concept".)
109. Yes, what about application in other areas, e.g., counseling, business strategy development, exploring one's career, decision making on various subject. If done right (with assistance possibly), one can basically look into one's brain process and make a comment to highlight the process for training, etc. ((Even investment decision making process!!)) ((Perhaps, topic need to be something one likes??)) ((Not necessary, try on problem area and see if this technique can resolve the issues. And if so, we may be able to do this more quickly, on the spot, and be accustomed in doing this.))
110. It is like brain storming as well, combined with meditation process, done individually. But the main point is to make this grounded so that the root is there! That is important. (Again, writing helps as you do not need to remember anything.)
111. Now, I feel like I am commercially oriented….(As I felt reaction/response in my physical sense..) So, let me make sure that I get this.. to be ….sorted out.
112. The sorting process, criteria is…meditation, observing the reaction, and have conduit open.. meaning it has to be oriented toward H-max (universe) and no-self feeling in it. That is crucial. Ideally, one can share this process/record with others.
113. Well, that's enough. 5:55
114. Let me settle down again….

I read the past memo briefly. But, instead of re-reading to clarify, let me see if there is anything come up if I do not read….11:36

1. So start again from… seeing what is going on in my mind…
2. I was somewhat excited yesterday and even now about what came about…
3. So what?
4. As usual, I get sleepy. 11:44
5. So…let me see…The key points were: 75) Mission and life energy, 77) alignment of nature's way and human way, 83)enlightenment as continuous process, 84) everything is an act of enlightenment, 94) H-max. is for Bodhissatva as well as everything else (business planning, etc.).
6. Here, I see paradoxical statements related to Bodhissatva. Why?
7. Because it is a paradox. If we see from the one who passed through the gate or just looking things in nature's way, there is no need for anything. Everything is enlightened.. But from the point of the one not passed the gate yet, i.e., typical human's case, there are a lots of work to do to align toward H-max - until he finds himself one with mission that he is convinced that his work is one with nature's way, i.e., H-max. ((Then, he found that he has passed the gate, i.e., aligned.))
8. This conviction is a subjective matter, is it not? ((conviction is the insight)) Subjective in the sense of…presentially checked, observed passively, meditated so to speak, and had the insight in finding whatever as the mission. Thus, it is the way to move on. And in that state, we are "assuming" that the whole integrated mind-body system is all in line to the call of H-max. or nature's way. ((In other words, whole distribution of life energy is readjusted to do this and wasted use of energy reduced or eliminated.))
9. Then at this point, we see the premise of H-individual (self, or mini-self) and H-universe are met in Bottissatva. This is alignment… and therefore, this is insight, enlightenment, enlightened life, and The process. Or, may I say, The Answer. ((The Process is The Answer.))
10. This is The Answer from the conceptual viewpoint. And… at the same time, there is subjective truth.. because conviction, and insight are gained and being gained such that the process of continuous enlightenment is now built in. ((So far as we are quite aware of this whole principle way of looking, practicing, getting feedback, learning, etc., if it is called as such.)) ((There is no proof except by action, and feedback. This time, proven by all laws - Dogen)) ((So, application is in Zenmonastery, business, or whatever.. like Yuima…yes. Yuima suffers because of people's suffering and educate other Bodhissatvas. And that is the driving force, i.e., mission for his passage.))
11. Is this text book answer not applied to specific case? Or, in a pragmatic fashion? Or, is it that the process is the solution, and that's it? No matter what the contents are??? It seems like it as it is a continuous problem-solving process that is what is been discussed here…like means=end. Cannot go any further than that but to practice and prove and go through the process.
12. So that is the answer??? If so, it is like slipping through the gate, or net of thoughts, feeling, etc. all the time….or when or as needed…And that is what is happening in nature, or in our body…..it is all taken care of. So apply that in our mind process.
13. Then, this process is the orbit…can it be? It appears so…(may need to check all around however…from everything…) ((Check Daisetz, Koan, etc. etc.))
14. So, it is not anything to do with one's intelligence (in thought process) or amount of knowledge, memory capacity. As muscle or body organ can solve it (as it is called Buddha nature, the work of X), and has been solving it, our mind can as well - in a similar fashion, i.e., nature's way.
15. Can this be so simple??? So simple, as if I do not have to do anything…except to set the condition, perhaps? ((Then, mission, process control so to speak.)) Or even that may not be needed??? ((Just have a new viewpoint, is it?))
16. Theoretically, not needed. But pragmatically… helps. Is it so? So, here, everything is viewed as a process. "I" is a combination of processes. Candle flame analogy….In and out, in and out... And looks there is a flame but it is just a continuation of the process.
17. Again, being able to say it and being able to practice is a different thing. Test is constantly on - as to find out the proof of continuous enlightenment….

(***break several hours***till 5:20 or so)

18. But in Buddha's case of enlightenment, if 16) is the state he was at one time, I recall he went through 12 In-nen or cause and effect process of human life originating from unknown- response- thought- act- consciousness-birth-aging-disease-death, etc. back and forth until right before his enlightenment experience. So, it is plausible that he did study the law of universe from that viewpoint and see how individual human may fit in there.
19. If so, what then was his mission? Saving people from suffering? Or, saving himself first? Is it plausible that he saw the solution in both cases in one process similar to the one I mentioned above, yet he hesitated to explain the solution to people (as sutra tells so) because of the jump in logic? (There is no teaching in Buddha's teaching)
20. (If he did sit 8 days, I should at least continue this min. of 8 days as well to see what comes out at the end. Or to see how things are integrated. In fact, in Buddha's case, he may have kept on sitting for that time…or, maybe he walked around as well. The point is the process anyway - not the form. Oh well.)
21. Now, if I check from 4 noble way, and 8 fold path, how will this process=solution look from that angle?
22. 4 noble way fits OK… it is, to align H- max, tied to one's mission in H-B system and all around to ultimately align with Max. of H-universe. And to do that, the passive observation, should I say autonomous feedback process - phys., mental, emotional, are combined with scientific way of problem solving process (referring here to inspiration with the help of X), to be coupled with release insight and learning. This then is oriented with the mission of life so that H-max is aligned.
23. So, I think it flows ok. (let me meditate before moving to 6 paramita) 5:35
24. Perhaps, Buddha was enlightened first and went through several times to come up with the teaching to solidify the process like 4 noble way and 8fold path. (Or this may have happened after Bonten kanjo, i.e., begging from god to ask Buddha to preach to the public)

More Synthesizing/ Check and Balance Exercises: (Take time and go through with the same process but on various subjects that are connected to the whole idea of enlightenment.)

• Revisiting Bodhissatva: Mission turn into nature's way (for insight) brings Bodhissatva to be aligned with H-max. So, he is enlightened but he is not enlightened because the work is always there. Need to eradicate the error, always - my own and others. So, enlightenment is the process view is the ultimate way.
• Then difference between Shomon and Bodhissatva is for one, H-universe and H-inidividual. Or error of all living vs. error of individual.
• Diasetz: "More he tries, more comes back to him for more sincerity." (from Shimura) This seems to imply the way. (Daisetz talking to himself, i.e., with X. So the process is endless.)
• Six paramita: Fuse: customer satisfaction, Jikai: sila, Ninniku: be presential, Shojin: efforts without efforts, Zenjo: Samadhi, Hannya: wisdom So, the difference with 8 fold path is people orientation.
• Difference of Shomon and Bodhissatva on Hannya (Shomon does not have Hannya but the other (B) has) is: Jintsuriki? Understand from the body, perhaps.
• Difference with Nakayama's process -- seems missing observing the reaction part. Otherwise similar. What about inspiration/self-organization process? Think and sleep on it, Hishiryo…so the same. Hypothesis and proof process. Think on your own. (Maybe similar to tree growing process.)
• Live long, no wonder, as not much luggage is carried - as in the case of correlating the weight reduction to the health. If there is strain in M-H-B (Mind-Heart-Body) system, like local optimization, or closed circuit, future H-value will suffer as current health/condition is not optimized/balanced. So, after all, "listen to your heart" was the right concept. (Just add few more words to "check the reaction/response and be attentive, in presential". - this is for the green book.)
• So sleep well at zazen and just focus on the main issue at a time and let things be integrated.
• How about with catchball with X process (as in Heart-brain analogy) Should it ultimately become simultaneous? Is it possible? - if the process is viewed as try and error - in a way - with feedback…. As we need to eradicate errors to find the truth as opposed to seek for the truth (Change caption at Ox club), then, it is quite OK. It ties with in-permanence issue..i.e., nothing can be predicted(almost) it is out of human hands..
• Most important is H-max (present): This correspond to living now and here. And future is unknown and worrying create excess luggage - type of notion.
• Review the notion: "When I am enlightened, everything is enlightened". Because that is the way… Enlightened means one "knows" the alignment of H-ind. with H-universe with the process applied in one's own life -now. When this is experienced, one sees that process working everywhere.
• "Leave/throw away all luggage type meditation" has to be done - at least every once in a while whatever the length of time is or wherever the location is. This is to review the whole M-H-B system (overhaul) at the zero base (no mind). In this case, the focus is no focus, i.e., forget about everything, and it is wide open. This may be like zero base budgeting process. I need to justify all. Or, this may be like banker's meeting to prove all and show the direction (mission, status, etc.). Even though it may not be unnecessary if we are presential with quiet center to observe, the area to put the heat on (with love and …) is to be identified - so I think. This may correspond to the deepening the well or opening up the conduit or may be like moving on the passage. Because you will never know when, where or how deep(far) the well is (the passage is).
• Too much framework, things gets suffocating. So, need to keep throwing away the unneeded. (but every now and then need to go through check and balance, e.g., talk with people, read books, etc. Then, where possible, things need to be cleaned up presentially.)
• However, as in the tree analogy of brain, the trunks and branches that are sound will provide ways to keep exploring in conscious world as opposed to stay at the level of animals. If they breaks or potentially broken, then we need to go through the same process - with lesson, or go through check and balance process in various ways, e.g., books, people on the web, etc., early on.
• Thousands of koans may help keep the process well lubricated. But, that energy may be used in more "productive" areas.

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(Here is the post to be made to the Universe of Zen)

Enlightenment and Meditation

Thank you all for the comments. I appreciate them very much as check and balance is a good way to deepen the understanding and to keep walking on our life's passage. Whether good or not, it appears to me that more we struggle to go one step forward, we develop better understanding - even if there are failures. So, it is a never-ending process. (This game may be played until the end of the world as a tree, or any species may to grow and to evolve further and further. That, to me, is the way "laws" of nature, or X, is exhibiting itself - as it is the case we find in everything and everywhere.)

If enlightenment is ultimately a process and to be proven somehow, the process I went through to come up with the note I posted here on enlightenment might also be tested. So, if you do not mind, I would like to ask you to visit my home page where such process is recorded in a form of my personal dialogue as a part of the link under the title, "Meditation - Doing My Way." If you read "The Second Day" part of meditation where the specific record of the process I went through is captured, hopefully, you find how the note I posted was developed. Then, perhaps, I may receive more specific comments related to that process as well. As you see, this is my personal passage. While each one's passage may differ, I again appreciate this opportunity to be able to exchange ideas. Thank you.

Meditation - Doing My Way.

At my home page, http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/index.html, with the same title, I posted there a complete description of my meditation process that took four days last week. It captures the meditation process I came up with and went through. It also describes the process and contents as well as lessons learned. There is a summary note on enlightenment that came out of this process, which I posted here on 7/17/00 as #2648-2650. I found a great value in this process so that I am starting to practice, and continuously starting to practice the learning as my life's principle process.

While I spent about 20 hours in those four days in a 'focused' manner and summarized the process, the process can be further internalized with continuous polishing up job. (Or, who knows it may require major revamp.) Also, the summary is like a shell left behind the act. So, especially on the subject like this, it is recommended to read the specific record of the process to get the story in a most direct way. At what level the record may communicate my experience to the reader, I cannot predict. In any case, this record should illustrate one man's experience for anyone's scrutiny and I am happy to be able to provide such an occasion. Still, for those who are interested, I hope they will capture the essence of this exercise, and be able to apply it, or modify it to suit them. If you try this out or have any insight on this, I am very curious as to hear the comments. So, please inform me as I think this may offer a great value - a great value of no value that is. Living truth is what counts.

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(7/18/00)

I thought this and that this morning. Then, I thought it is good to sort out my mind and find the next move with the process. Just doing this in an ad hoc way may be good. But it may offer more value if we focus as Buddha was know to have done meditation quite often. So, here I go

1. Just settle down…8:15AM
2. As conduit opens up from the past learning, this should take only a few minutes.
3. Notice, heart beats louder..8:19
4. Deep, long breathing from the belly..
5. Get to the state where there is no strain, listen to the bird.. directly
6. Neck, shoulder, etc. are all relaxed.
7. Alert, feel peace..
8. Do I want to do anything but to stay in this state? 8:23
9. Getting sleepy…8:25
10. Well. The focus… Today, call Tom, read Sue's writing, write webster story, integrate things into the white book - tie with write/think about Buddha's way - no teaching but the way he lived is the Dharma,
11. Last point is clear…this is "there is a teaching outside of sutras" - Zen. And I want to write it tied with the journey in the white book. Buddha's life was a process like walking the way - middle way. It is a process control. Out of inattention to attention, out of delusion to inspiration, from suffering to nirvana. 8:31
12. ..and compassion…( also write about "Buddha's words" which are only understood by those enlightened.) Example: compassion (if you are one, you do not know what compassion is), enlightenment, Buddha nature, X, -- these may be tied with Prajna's immediate denial logic.
13. They are variations of the same thing appeared differently.
14. Their nature is absolute affirmation.
15. I am totally relaxed and sleepy… so stop here for now. 8:36