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Focus on breathing: Anapana. This lasted for the first three days and a half to sharpen the mind to be able to focus on the small area just below nose and above upper lip. It is practiced to be able to detect the subtle sensation we often are unaware of.
The first day is to keep focusing on the sensation in the triangle area of the nose as we breathe naturally while letting the thought pass by. Every time, our mind wanders away, we were to get back to the task of focusing on breathing.

* Being at the Present

The key behind this practice is to focus on breathing while keeping our mind on the "presential" mode, i.e., here and now, detecting the sensation. Thus, if mind wonders away from this attentive mode, one is to get the mind attention back to the breathing. On the second day, the teacher asked us if we can get back to the focused breathing within 5 minutes after we wandered away in thoughts. Mind may wander initially, but as we become skillful over time, we may see thoughts fade and their binding nature may be alleviated as if they are like passing clouds.

One theory behind in keeping a focus on breathing is that breathing is found as a good connection point of our conscious and unconscious activity. We can control the breathing consciously or we can let the breathing to be just natural thus making it being controlled by the unconscious brain. We typically think unconscious is out of our reach. But by practicing Vipassana, we can gain much deeper understanding as to how our unconscious mind acts in our daily life.

While practicing anapana, and as we can focus on breathing and not losing us in wandering thought, I sense that brings the state when the (neuro) "conduit" opens up to reach out to the unconscious while not losing the conscious. Or, this may be viewed as a connection point of mind and body. I then feel that this is the state when we start to be presential and that we are free-er from the constraints of conscious activity so that the eradication of error start to take place. Accompanied with the sense of vast emptiness, this is when we may gain the realization that unconscious as we thought previously might not be unconscious at all. (In my view, this ties to the students' feedback like 'unloading the heavy weight we carried" or "having a sweet, warm sensation from within" as nature's way of healing takes place.)

* Overall View of Anapana and Vipassana

In our real life whenever we notice our mind react to something, our breathing pattern changes. This shows the unconscious mind working at the presential level, responding to the stimuli. Thus, keen awareness of this and therefore observing the breathing will help us 'directly' understand our mind-body process. This helps to keep us more on track of what is actually going on (external and internal to us) to conduct our life from moment to moment.

The ability to understand the basic mechanism of physical sensation with its relationship to our thoughts and emotions, then, is used as a tool to analyze and work on our mind habit as we go into to Vipassana meditation when we expand the area of coverage for total bodily sensations. When this is well accomplished, the mind and body are found as one, constituting the total nerve/intelligent system connected to the surroundings. The sensations that travel around body then directly indicate how we are living our life at the level of "direct experience" but not as images created by our mind. Directly realizing very subtle level of sensations and their changes, we realize that everything is in the state of flux, constantly changing.

This faculty that we can (re-*)develop from Vipassana meditation leads us to find a principled way of living as the nature directly indicates or manifest to us. In fact, the notion of "us" will change - again at the level of direct experience. Any obstacles of our sensation are noticed as "blockages" as we practice Vipassana, and are seen as causing misery to us from the unconscious level unless they are dissolved and blockage removed over time. This is because they are representing past programming in our mind-body system that did not go through "passive observation" and consequent clean up done by the nature. Thus, they are left as blockage. (We had this before when we were young, and innocent.)

Again, the practice of developing attention to bodily sensation and being able to "observe" the situation without reacting it will lead for the nature to eradicate the errors. It may take time and we may feel it like a struggle until we start to accomplish this task at the experiential level. But that is what is to take place in this course and our subsequent pursuit. (As found later, a comments like "heavy burden was lifted" heard from an Indian prison inmate who took the course indicates that the process brought noticeable results.)

We are to experience the natural state as it is, and let the nature to do the job of healing/eradicating the error by positioning us in such state/process in Vipassana. In other words, we are to see the fact/reality in front of us as it is, and observe our sensation as it is without reacting to it. For this purpose, whether the sensation is big or small is not a concern. Our mission is to work on it for the nature to take effect and let it be dissolved ultimately. This takes "awareness" of sensations and disciplined posture, i.e., "equanimity". Then, we are to live our life with this awareness and equanimity as opposed to the conditioned, mechanical mind of the past to take over our living. Taking this path diligently, we find peace and harmony in our life as it is meant to be.

Practice:

Apply the idea in practice and get used to the routine of meditation. The new students were asked to go back to the dorm and meditate for two hours after the first instruction and meditation experience. I found it surprising that my room mate slept the whole two hours snoring, when I diligently practiced the meditation in that time period.

My back hurt a lot and made it difficult to sit as I pinched my neck nerve just few days ago when I was cutting tree brunches. But with determination this whole first day was almost the easiest compared to the following several days. The teacher mentioned to me the next day that typically the second day is much worse than the first day in terms of physical pain.

The focus on breathing reminded me of Rinzai's koan, "What is going in and out of your face. If there is anyone who does not know what it is, see, see."

* A Bright Star in the Sky

As we came out of the Meditation Hall after the first morning sitting, there were several people slowly moving out of the hall in silence. I do not know who they are, nor why they came here to join the course. I only saw their shadows moving in the dark and I simply followed them. To observe the rule of noble silence, everybody avoids eye contact. We just happened to be together then and there. The search is internal to each of us, thus other people are of no importance. Yet, sensing the determination of each person's willingness to go through this course, tears suddenly started to run down my face.

I let my tears run, put the sandals on, and started to walk down the path to the dining area. Up in the sky were millions of stars in this yet dark morning. Seeing one of the brightest stars above, I reflected on Buddha's enlightenment experience he gained as he looked up possibly the same star in the sky at different time and location. Relating to this, I sensed there was something noble about us going through this experience away from civilization with some purpose. I questioned to myself about the meaning such tears. I also asked the teacher (Julian Cohen) in the afternoon's private interview period as to why, and whether or not he knew anything about Buddha or Mr. Goenka shedding tears. There was no clear answer. Tears are just a part of a nature's process, as it is.

* Applying the Technique When Not Meditating

When I was having a lunch at the bench outside the dining room, I saw a grasshopper flying by with the familiar noise. As fly fishing being one of my favorite hobbies, this brought a memory of catching trout in summer with imitation grasshopper as a fly. Along with this memory was my feeling to want to catch a big trout.

At this instance, I noticed my breathing subtly changed in my nostril. (It hastened inhaling on my left nostril, so, I felt) I then got immediate realization that this is the technique of anapana in action and dismissed this subtle rise of craving sense that came with this wandering thought. Witnessing this little yet surprising and confirming experience, I realized that the point is to have the technique in constant practice. The technique is not just meant to be used in the Meditation Hall.

When I was to go to bed that evening, I heard my roommate going to sleep before me. He then started to snore. Facing this fact and applying the technique of concentrating on my natural breathing, I went to sleep not being bothered with his snoring sounds coming right besides me. Again, the key to this game must be applying the technique in the real life setting. In Zen as well, it is emphasized the importance of practice in actual life setting compared to the life in controlled setting. Zen points out that walking, living, sitting, and sleeping, they are all Zen. This is the same as training and proof of training is to be seen as one. Then, knowing and acting is not separated as much as brain and heart is functioning harmoniously.

Day Two:

Continue focus on breathing. From this day, I believe we started to focus on much narrower area of the face and tried to detect the sensation between the nostril and upper part of the lip.

* Direct Experience

This is to sharpen the mind to be able to prepare us for vipassana meditation starting on the fourth day. The idea is to see if we can "directly experience" the reality as directly felt through our sensation in this narrow area. Reality is not to be found in concept but is to be directly experienced from moment to moment.

Mr. Goenka mentioned that Buddha found the reality is in vibration of particles as phenomenon of electro-magnetic or electro-chemical reaction (e.g., at synapse level perhaps?). He referred that the modern scientists have proven this point. The problem here however is that the scientists cannot directly feel the symptom but only to measure by some apparatus. (Even that may not be possible according to the quantum theory) This then will leave us away from experiencing the reality as it is if we cannot detect what is happening in our mind-body system.

It is fine to intellectually understand that everything is in the flux of change, and that vibration is constantly happening. But it is not the same as one to directly sense it within ourselves by direct experience. Sensation is the direct awareness of what is happening before we react or put any meaning on it. If we want to experience the truth, we cannot play on interpreting the what we may think as the truth but directly experience it at the sensation level - from moment to moment.

* Anicca: Impermanence

The notion of Anicca or impermanence came up quite often throughout the course. I knew this idea because of my study on Buddhism. Yet, I certainly gained much deeper sense of the word due to his teaching and practice of meditation to observe the mind - at the experiential level.

Realization of impermanence at experiential level and knowledge level has miles of distance in between. Vipassana and anapana help to bring us to the point of awareness and equanimity with strong focused approach. Compared to this, say, in Shikantaza(Just sit) as Dogen promoted in Zen by having people to just sit may lead less focus in penetrating into the mind (even if the orientation is the same). Not to say which is better suited, Vipassana is more like a mind surgery to eradicate the errors in our mind. However, when achieved, the state of awarenss and equanimity may be the same.

Practice:

As it may become more and more clear (at my personal/experiential level as I sense this later), the amazing discovery is that if we live the life on the basis of direct experience, the whole world is experienced totally different. Not just its looks, but all sensation tells the fresh and ever-changing world that we live in. This is the case as we are one with getting in touch with the reality at the ultimate level by directly experiencing it through sensation. It may be said that it is not us experiencing any more but experience experiencing itself as we observe.

If this cannot be done, what is life? It is the play on the images. If this is done instead, what is life? It is total vibration, life energy (Buddha nature) manifesting everywhere - outside or inside. And we sense this directly.. through sensations all over our body cells and in contact to what is going on outside.

The sensation is ever more changing to reflect the constantly changing nature of all phenomena. There is no good nor bad. We witness this, experience this with awareness and equanimity. We may find ourselves away from misery (that is psychological, focused on before or after the fact) but in a state of bliss (that is experiential, here and now) when we experience this vibration jumping around. The point is direct experience. Then, these words may be again a fallacy or mere characterization at best. So, go back to that direct experience! We do not need words to experience truth/reality! (* Still, a thought came up about the difference between human and animal life…..this is to be addressed later in terms of fully using the mind-body system of human - and middle way, and H-max.)

* Flashing Memories of the Past

While in meditation, the memories of the past scenes flashed in my mind like watching thousands of pictures every now and then during the next ten days. It appears that I had more of these memories came up at the beginning part of the ten days than the latter half. They were typically landscape scenes without any emotional contents attached to each scene. They were vivid, colored pictures and flashed perhaps like in a 0.1 sec period, and disappeared. It appears that many were from the past ten years or so. Then, older pictures came up as time went on. They were all pretty, peaceful scenes.

It appears that they are welling up from the deep part of the memory storage (unconscious). Because of the focus on the breathing and accompanied subtle sensation, my thoughts came up just to remember the location of the picture but did not stay but up to mere few or ten seconds in most cases. What I felt interesting was that they are so detailed pictures with color, but with no movement. Later, I heard that some people experience a hard time of remembering the life's struggle from the past. I do not know how common such experiences are. In my case, I did not have any bad memories popped up like that and stayed with me a long time.

* Sleeping in Meditation

A person, I got aquainted before the course started, was sitting two rows ahead of me and one to the right. I heard that he did training at Rinzai Zen temple. Because of his experience, he seemed very stable with his legs crossed and back straight up. Then, every now and then, I saw him dozing off during meditation, swaying his body a little bit. I thought highly of him because of his dedication to Zen. One who can sit without trouble for long time must be accomplished in something to do with the peace of mind.

On the other hand, I always had uncomfortable feeling about sitting practice (Shikan taza). It appeared that there is no certainty as to what may come out of the practice of sitting - due to unclear logic behind the practice. That is one major reason why I decided to join this course, which seemed to have much more penetrating process with what appeared to be a sound logic behind it. After the search of various ways for liberation, and sitting in Zen temples, discussing with Zen Masters, etc., I felt that this is something I should try with my best effort during these ten days.

Throughout this course, we are to work hard everyday, focusing to hone the mind and reflect Buddha's teaching, or Dharma, in action. So, I tried my best in applying the idea at all possible situations not just in the meditation hall. When I realized that some important thoughts came up in mind, I occasionally took a little break from the meditation at the Hall to focus on resolving the issue then and there. As Buddha said, it is not just for us to blindly follow the teaching. We are to find the solution from within.

Watching him comfortably sleeping was envy especially when my legs hurt and mind disturbed. But, if we just follow the process without doubt, efforts, or struggle, the possibility may be limited as well. This is the point on working hard on this course and efficacy of the process that Mr. Goenka talked about. Efficacy is about going full swing to eradicate the error. If sleeping in meditation is a stage to bliss or awareness and equanimity, it may be just fine however.

Day Three:

Technique:

Continue anapana. Simply observe, or be aware of sensation of natural breathing at the small area between the nostril and upper lip.

* Focused Learning Process

As anything else in our human system like muscles, bones or nerves, what gets used gets strengthened. This is the key to our needs-driven learning process. As we focus more on this practice, our neuron/nerve system is very much sensitized to detect even a tiny sensation in this small area under our nose. Quiet observation of sensation and its relation to our mind movement trains us to detect what is going on, the very subtle process of our mind-body system, at the very experiential, the most critical level. To proceed in the most natural manner, we were to detach ourselves from emotion of craving and aversion but to simply observe. We do not count the breathing, not silently pronounce mantra, not picture any images, but purely observe the natural event happening there from moment to moment.

Enhanced awareness and deepened equanimity are cultivated as we practice more, even though the technique itself may be viewed as too simple. It is as much of our "balanced mind" as well as the refined "process control" of the function of our mind/body system we are after. I sense that once certain state is gained, neurologically speaking, we may be able to get back to the state much more easily. This is perhaps similar to once babies learn to stand up, he will be able to repeat it later at ease. This may be an important rule of biology, "Repetition is the mother of success." However, we should know better that if we do not use it, it will be "rusted" eventually.

* As-it-isness and Quiet Observation

Anicca, or impermanence, is tied to as-it-isness. It is about living in the present and not being driven by the notion of "What should be" or "What should have been." This is the state of being in equanimity, rather than in the state of craving or aversion. It is to see the reality as it is. This is then tied to being able to surrender our "self" and let the laws of nature to take over. Though this, liberation is gained. This is the point of realizing that "not being able to escape is the escape".

A key for success with this technique is to be able to let the nature to take care of itself. For that to happen, our role is to identify the problem area as blockage and patiently and quietly observe till it becomes clear so that any perturbation does not create violent reaction in our mind. Our role is to identify by noticing such mind or bodily reaction and let the nature to heal or nullify the wound then and there and/or prevent the potential problem. This is in a way like applying the heat to the boil so that it facilitates the healing.

A moment of dying in equanimity was shared by Mr. Goenka to highlight the living in the moment and dying in the moment. Being able to live the moment and observe moment by moment, when one just observe oneself dying, it is just a process observation of reality, and sensation of that as a manifestation of anicca/impermanence where no emotion of craving or aversion is attached. This is what we gain by mastering vipassana. Keep a nice smile while alive and as we pass away. I liked this story.

* Eradicating Errors to Extinct Suffering

Buddha devoted his life to save people from suffering. The work was to identify the cause of suffering, find the way to extinct this suffering by following dharma. Dharma is the law of nature. It represents cause and effect relationship. Four noble truth, the eight-fold Path, are reflected in sila-samadhi-prajna.

Suffering is seen as reaction of our mind. As we learn to observe reaction in body without reacting it, we start to realize that nothing is permanent. Not dealing at the abstract or conceptual level, our efforts are to work on changing our habits of blind reaction. Samadhi makes the mind clear but impurity remains in unconscious. Only when one gives up the habit of craving and aversion, we can be liberated. This is the reason we need to work on eliminating this cause of suffering, the conditioned mind, with experiential wisdom by going through this course.

Mr. Goenka mentioned that eradicating our blind conditioned mind is like putting the water onto the hot burning coal. In the beginning, it may cause a major reaction of water hitting this hot coal. But persistently working our mind to go through this course is like putting more water after the other. Eventually, the coal will be cooled down and we can pick up with our hand without getting burned. This is what we are to do.

Day Four:

The first set of Vipassana Meditation was introduced from 3: 30 to 5:PM under detailed directions of Mr. Goenka.
As much as there is a potential danger to go into the specifics of the technique here, I will not get into detail here. In order to avoid complication, it is recommended that one does not attempt this without proper guidance.
To illustrate the point, however, I will point out that it is about focusing attention to the sensation at different parts of the body - part to part or piece by piece with the sharpened mind developed by Anapana. (Checking from the crown of head, skull, face, hand, front of trunk, back, and legs to the toes, etc.)

* Sensation and Scanning for Sensation

Sensation can be temperature, pressure, texture, tingling sense, pulsation, vibration, pain, or anything one can detect from that specific area of attention. From moment to moment, we may notice that it changes, and our role here is merely to observe. I used the term, scanning, here corresponding to shift the attention from one area to the next so that we can feel sensation from different parts of the body. If we find the blocked area where there is no smooth sensation but unpleasant feeling or perhaps pain, we will focus on that area for one or two minutes before moving to the next area, and to come back again, later.

We want to train ourselves in this task because if we can detect the sensation at the most subtle level before our mind becomes agitated, we can observe with calm mind with the understanding of anicca, impermanence, and not to react to it with equanimity. If we are unaware of the change in our internal situation instead, we can easily miss the opportunity to remain balanced. So, our progress is depending on our faculty to be aware of such sensation. Then, whether the sensation is pleasant or unpleasant, gross or subtle, we are to maintain equanimity toward them. While this practice will make us aware of our own nature directly, paying attention quietly to those gross sensation or blockage will help nature to take care of the errors.

Scanning may be done from one area to the next, or simultaneously at synchronous and in a symmetrical manner. It may start from the top of the head to the tip of the toes or it may go up in the reverse order. It may be sweeping in mass in a short time. Also, scanning may be done like going in and out of body at different parts of the body. Or, we may scan internal organs like tongue, liver, bone as well. These scanning techniques were introduced at a sequential and gradual manner for students to learn the skills over several days period. As mentioned before, readers are not recommended to try out these ideas unless there are proper supervision. The description here is merely a brief overview for information purpose only.

One of our tasks is to find the "blockage" which is resisting the natural flow. This blocked sense is called gross sensation. The purpose was to identify the area of such block, remove it by passive observation one after the other, and eventually develop a free flow throughout the whole body. In other words, the block represents the past conditioning of mind that can be eradicated as we pay focused attention to it. Flow may be typically represented (in my case) by tingling feeling or vibrating sensation at the area where there is no blocked sense.

* As a side note, technique of Nanso as described by Hakuin has similarity to vipassana. An image of butter flowing down from the head was used in this technique.

* Experiencing a Headache in Meditation

When I started to focus my attention at the crown of my head in the beginning, following the audio-taped Vipassana instruction, I felt strong pulsation and the image of something like a worm moving there, pulsating with the heartbeat. (In my image, I could see this from inside the darkness of the skull.) Not only this is unexpected and surprising, it was rather painful as I felt a major pulsating headache. As Mr. Goenka's instruction was on this for a long time, I kept my attention to this even though the pain was almost unbearable.

With deep trust and confidence developed to the technique, and that there were no bad cases reported as I understood, I continued to focus on this painful sensation, thinking that it must be a part of natural process. As I moved attention to other areas following the direction, I noticed another big pain this time. It was my back area. I could see a white light there in my image, indicating the areas of pain. I thought that this pain might be related to the pinched nerve system when I cut tree brunches as mentioned before.

As I found out later, it was unnecessary to look inside the body to investigate the "gross sensation" as I did at this time of the exercise. As the instruction went over 1.5 hour period and that following direction and inspecting various areas of my body required a major efforts, when it was over I was totally exhausted as well as stunned to the severe pains I experienced. So, I had to go to my dorm to take a moment of rest on my bed before attending the regular 5PM tea time. While, I never expected to go through such a painful and exhaustive process, looking back however, it may have been caused by a combination of factors: 1) I was focusing not the surface but inside, 2) My pinched back nerve was already hurting even without me going through this process, and 3) It just represented the blocked area. Only later, I realized the instruction such that I can revisit the area and keep working on it repeatedly instead of trying to work on it in one shot for a longer time.

Day Five:

Scan the body to detect sensation from top of the head to tip of the toes and in reverse order - over and over. If there is gross sensation, representing blockage, stay there for one or two minutes. Then, carry on sweeping and repeat this process.
Strong determination* started. (*One hour of meditation without movement as much as possible. )

* Law of Multiplication

This is the name I put to remember the point about our mind habit. When we have anger for example, and express it in any way, the karma we develop will multiply its effect more like putting gasoline onto the fire, which is already burning. I think this represent the process of reinforcing the neuron nerve system. If, instead, we quietly observe the emotion of anger without reacting, it is like letting it use up its fuel. It eventually diminish its power as we learned the notion of anicca, impermanence.

An anecdote I remember was the analogy of drawing the line on the water compared to do it on the sands on the beach and on the rock. If we repeatedly react with the emotion, it is like chiseling the stone to draw a line. Quiet observation may be compared to drawing a line on the water. It is quietly observing and letting the negative emotion to diminish by itself. If we exercise the law of multiplication within a family, friends or company as opposed to each quietly quenching the fire, we may multiply the reaction among ourselves. Being aware of what is happening at sensation level and keeping equanimity by realizing anicca for all phenomena, we can negate the law of multiplication. Instead, we can bring the peace and happiness in life.

Memorable Event:

* Tender Palms

About this time, we started to have three devoted sessions every day each consists of one-hour meditation period. Nobody was allowed to leave the Hall in these periods. Due to the pinched-nerve combined with my bad sitting posture perhaps, my back was hurting very badly. I then noticed that my hands got very wet easily with sweats pouring out. (In the past Zen meditation, I occasionally noticed this tender and sweaty/moist palm situation. I thought it must be something to do with the enhanced metabolism.)

Because of this sweaty hands as well as my back pain, I decided to put my hands placed over my knees as opposed to holding them together in front of me, i.e., a Zen style. I found that this gave me more balance to straighten up my back and at the same time help drying out the sweat in my palms. When I changed to this posture, I then realized that my hands were so sensitive and very easy to detect any subtle sensation.

Perhaps around this time, in one evening sitting, I heard crickets singing continuously outside the Hall as we meditated. The singing of cricket was continuous and I felt my whole body was covered by that sound - the vibration. What was very interesting was that I felt I could hear the sound (or feel the vibration of the sound) through my sensitive palms. When I shared this story in the interview, the teacher said that he had the same experience as well. There is a Zen Koan about realizing the whole body as full of hands and eyes.(Nakayama p.53, Koan Kenkyu) Perhaps, this may be related to the point of distinction between intellectual wisdom and living wisdom or experience in the intellect level and direct experience.

When I developed a sensitive palm, the tingling sensation was like very tiny bubbles bursting on the water (my palm) and creating a chain reaction to spread that sense out to wider areas. This eventually lead to the experience on the eighth day when I felt as if my whole body was covered by this tender skin and that the sensation that swept over me was so electrifying that it made me to feel like I was making love with the whole universe. Perhaps, one can argue that this is something to do with the autosuggestion or hypnotism. I am open for comments. (See further discussion later.)

* Koan: (Knocking the wood..) When you hear this sound, who is listening?

Day Six: Day Seven:

Sweep in mass (Aim is to develop the free flow, i.e., sweeping sense of smooth sensation.)

* Control the Process Inside:

Projecting craving or aversion toward outside object is a game that does not bring peace and happiness inside. It is an endless game that we cannot win. Can we control how others behave so that we are undisturbed? Is it the best way for finding happiness? If we try to do so, is it not like tyrannical king controlling the poor peasants with power? Or, if we become powerful, do we stop there? Or do we keep buying better computer, car, house, etc. or travel to the mysterious land or even to the space, moon, mars, and to the next galaxy?

Buddha was claimed and abused by someone at one time. Instead of responding, he kept silence - just awareness and equanimity. Later, a person asked Buddha, "Why did you not respond?" Buddha said, if he does not receive present, the present has no place but to go back to the man who brought it. Similarly, instead of getting involved in emotional trouble to activate the law of multiplication, just send the gift back. Just like troubled water will eventually quiet down, peace and harmony will come back.

For this reason, we should create a moment to pause even a millisecond to observe before we react to our emotion, or negatively conditioned mind. Even with a millisecond, there will be a major difference that can be cultivated. The millisecond becomes few more mil-seconds, and the journey can lead to being aware of our situation more clearly and staying equanimity for a longer time.

* By the way, what I found interesting was that I received these anecdotes with full attention as contrasted to casually reading them on the book. With strong devotion and perhaps receiving Dharma with my full body, I think the words may have reached to a different level in my mind to be fully digested. I can say this because many anecdotes stayed with me after the course was over and came back when I found myself in the similar situation, which had reference to the anecdotes. There is something about such leaning process, which penetrate into our unconscious level that we can grasp to benefit in our life. Perhaps, writing this report itself is a representation of such learning process for me.

* Universal Truth

Misery is misery in any country or any religion. Sila, or moral conduct, is sila, even the language or location is different. Samadhi is samadhi, quiet and peace in mind is desired by all. Prajna is prajna (panna in Pali language), it is living wisdom to liberate us from misery. So, underneath the dogma, rituals, different symbols, languages or images is the universal truth that we can all abide by. This is what we are addressing. In this sense, Vipassana is applicable in any language, any race, cultural or religious background because it is about the universal truth. Buddha is the man who is awakened to this universal truth and shared the wisdom. It is pragmatic, and scientific as proven by the laws of nature, which is Dharma (Damma in Pali).

Today, Vipassana is practiced by people from all religions, as it does not create any conflict so far as the focus is on the universal truth and liberation from misery. Meditation can be applied to all whether he or she believes in any religion or not. Also, the meaning of life is not to be found in a distant world of abstraction, but in paying attention to everyday happenings and experiential facts of our life.

* Hypnotism

Every now and then, it appears that Mr. Goenka read the Pali sutra in Hindi or Pali language - usually perhaps for 10 minutes but sometimes lasting 30 minutes or more. While puzzled by his intention to do this at the beginning, I took this as a test of being in the state of awareness and equanimity as opposed to taking this foreign sound in a negative manner. Also, every now and then, I felt like listening his voice was mere vibrations on my hand. No good nor bad, as it is. However, listening for a long time with eyes closed like this, I thought of potential for hypnotism.

From early on, I started to develop a strong sense of trust in him even though I remained careful in digesting his discourse with full attention. The contents of the discourse, the way this course was run administratively, and the coverage and depth of his knowledge and insights were reasons to have the sense of trust and confidence in him. I felt the term, "May all being be happy," conveyed a very genuine spirit. Rewiring the neurons (eradicating the error) takes one to be almost at the state of hypnotism (alpha wave mode). Sitting in the dark room with eyes closed and hearing unrecognizable sound vibration going on and on, it may even facilitate solidifying the learning or eradicating the error - even like mother's lullaby.

Yet, when we play with our mind-body system, hypnotism can become an issue as history has witnessed. But, all mothers use skillful means to raise kids with sense of love, do they not? Then, I wonder what is wrong to learn not to kill, lie, steal, or abuse beings by hypnotism if it brings happiness for all. Here, hypnotism may be seen as a effective learning mechanism. Also, it appears that there is a connection to good friendship and leadership, almost like a gravitational pull that comes across from a dedicated, noble, and spirited person. Is it not after all a direct connection of compassion and wisdom as they come across and not hindered by any artificial means? Is it not after all the same thing to happen in our own mind-body system - the miracle of living in peace and harmony beyond human logic? Let us carefully observe and experience with awareness and equanimity!

* After the Rain

The morning sky was thinly covered with clouds with blue sky in the back. Toward the sky up from the teachers' residence, I saw a beautiful misty cloud hovering reflecting the sun in the most delicate color. The words cannot reproduce the scene and the subtle shades of colors. In this early morning, I was alone on the top of the hill amazed at looking at it. What a delicate mixture of colors, with such a subtlety! The clouds change their shapes and colors are just showing me what impermanent, anicca, is.

We had a rain during the night. As I walked around the loop in the morning, I saw few rain drops still hanging on leaves of what it appeared as a kind of short eucalyptus tree. Each dews looked clear and pretty, shining in the morning light. As I noticed dew on the tip of the leaf, I could not resist but to drink that drop of water gently from the leaf. It melted in my mouth. How sweet it was!

Ants were busy walking across in one section of our trail. One group was going in one direction for foods and the others were carrying back something to home. I then noticed one ant carrying extra big piece bigger than the size of his body. When he got stuck by the pine needles, he needed to figure out ways to pull this piece to continue his mission. No ants were complaining who had heavy load or taking more rest, or anything like that. Every one of them was actively working to do the job. Naturally, I had to pass them very carefully so that I did not step on them.

I now realize that these incidents represent nothing but the priceless direct experiences. As we purify our mind, we may find more treasures all around us. By the way, I remember a practice of Buddhist monks in India not going out for a certain period after the end of the rainy season is over so that they do not step on these little creatures coming out of the grounds. This is sila, but also represents compassion speaking to us what to do or not to do if we can listen.

Day Eight:

With regard to our process and to achieve the mission of eradicating the errors to liberate us, there is no difference between gross sensation and subtle sensation. It is about detachment. It is to understand the process. Just observe with equanimity.

* From Misery to Liberation - Be pragmatic

Misery may be a strong word. But it is about freeing ourselves from the binding in order to live our life with peace and harmony. Anger, hate, attachment, craving, clinging, regret, etc., we face difficult situations in life. Perhaps, we may not notice that we are in misery even if we are in it. Not only that and because of that, we may cause misery in others as well - again without us noticing it. When facing difficulty, some of us may count numbers or call the name of Jesus, Amidha Buddha, etc. to save us. It may work and may be fine if it does. However, it could be just a temporary aversion, as we may remain selfish, thus not addressing the root cause of the problem.

In many religions, there is what appears to be like a contractual relationship with God. For example, we may declare that we believe that Jesus is the Son of God. But, without addressing the errors in our mind, any of these words may remain more like a testimony without any pragmatic impact to our misery. Or, one may commit crime knowingly because he thinks if he ask for forgiveness afterward, he will be saved. Instead of depending on such contractual ideas, the pragmatism is to be emphasized fully to uproot the very cause of our suffering.

Earnest efforts, confidence, awareness, concentration and wisdom are considered as five factors for progress, whereas craving, aversion, physical sloth and torpor, agitation and worry, and doubt and uncertainty are enemies for progress. As I understand, the whole thing is about the process control of our mind-body system to acknowledge what is going on, put us at the center of action and the state where eradication of error can take place. Awareness and equanimity is the state, which we should find ourselves in. Accordingly, our life energy is realized as compassion or wisdom. We just need to learn this experientially to be able to practice at whatever situation we are in from moment to moment.

* Making LOVE with the Universe:

Any pleasure or suffering will not remain forever. And we should not be attached to any sensation pleasurable or not pleasurable. We are to eradicate the errors to live a liberated life with awareness and equanimity. To report the following incident that happened to me, I need to emphasize this simple idea over and over for myself as well as for others.

It happened on this eighth day at the first afternoon sitting. I was sitting quietly as everybody else focusing on scanning sensations at different parts of my body. As I was going through this, I felt my body empty and no blockage observed. Of course, it may be just that they are not surfaced because of my lack of scanning and sensing ability. We are to keep continuing the eradication continuously.

As mentioned before (5^th day: tender palms), my hands were moist and tender. Sometime into this sitting, I was trying to see if I can "sweep the mass" without knowing what that exactly means or how to do it exactly. I felt that sweeping from top (head) to bottom (toes) and bottom to top was not so easy and felt cumbersome in doing it. Then, I realized that my palms were very sensitive and felt the tingling sensation that I mentioned before. At the beginning, it was like small air bubbles bursting on the surface of the water, i.e., my palms. Then, it was like some small electric sparks discharged around my palms. More I paid attention, more sparks were generated. From tingling sensation, the sensation got intensified as if there was a chain reaction of these sparks started to happen.

"This is funny." so I thought. Instead of continuing to work on sweeping in mass, I then started to focus on the palms and paid more attention there. Then, I felt strong energy in my palms further intensified, making me feel like it is ready to enhance its power and spread to the other parts of the body. I felt the strong energy and electrifying feeling in both palms and spreading to arms and shoulders as I shifted my attention. I also felt similar sense at my toe. So, I paid attention there and to see if it may spread up the legs. My body and mind were fully engaged in observing this happening.

About this time, I slowed down my breathing a little. I did this because if I slightly wait in my breathing, I could feel that energy could flow into my body much more smoothly from my soles. It made me to feel like sucking the energy by slightly withholding the breathing and focused on the filling up of energy. While this is going on, I felt that I could spread this sensation to other areas by shifting attention. Free flow was the word Mr. Goenka used to characterize the sense when there was no blockage felt. Certainly, the areas I paid attention were like open conduits for this energy/sensation to travel without any resistance. As areas of this sensation spread out to wider areas of my lower body, it had no sign of weakening its energy level but intensifying by itself.

Gradually, I felt more energy welling up from my tip of the toes and sole, thus filling up my lower torso with highly activated energy which is accompanied by mass of tingling or wavelike vibrating sensation. Being playful as my nature, and noticing that I can "move" this sensation by shifting attention from one spot to the next, I decided to play with the direction of the movement of this what I felt as "life energy." So, I moved the energy around as it followed my direction immediately. Then, I thought I may shift my attention and lead this energy between the palms. Palms were separated by the air gap as they were positioned on top of my right and left knees, respectively. But, I could feel that there was a strong field being developed between my right and left palms.

Then, I realized that I could bounce back and force this sensation between my palms very easily. Surprised but not stopping there, I experimented next to make a loop from right palm to right leg, and through my torso to left leg and left palm and jump across to the right palm to close this loop. This flow of energy as represented by sensation did exactly follow my direction. Finding this amusing, I next accelerated the flow like rapidly moving it to following the circular loop as may be done in an accelerators of nuclear particles.

Not only it happened as I shifted the attention, once gained momentum, I did not have to pay much attention as the flow was gaining power by itself turning around and around in this loop that was created in my body. The lower part of my torso had a very pleasant sensation - like shivering and trembling - and my penis got erected as if this magnificent electro-magnetic field or tingling sensation had some influence on it. Now, the speed started to increase by itself and its power so strong that I felt my heart started to pound louder and louder. Also, my breathing got faster and faster to shallow but fast panting. Perhaps, this happened as most of my body got engaged in this sweeping flow of energy or particles. Or, it was a transmission of vibrations from one cell of the body to the next with more and more cells joining together.

At this point, I was simply watching this totally unexpected happening. Then, perhaps because of the strong circulating motion of this energy, my left foot started to jump up and down and started to tap the floor, making a small noise. This happened in spite of the fact that downward pressure of the weight of my body was applied on my feet. In the mean time, the circular flow of energy kept on going round and round and my heartbeat and breathing got harder and faster. I felt like I have nothing I could do and nowhere to go but let this energy to flow and do whatever it might. Funny thing is that my mind was quite clear, just observing what is going on. Even though my eyes remained closed, I could hear very clearly when a person slowly went out of the Hall while another person behind me made a tiny noise as I went through this experience.

While my mind remained calm, it was still an unexpected event. At this time my heart was like I have just run a 100-meter dash. Then, my breathing got so fast that I thought other people might notice what was happening with me. I felt as my left nostril opened and closed rapidly as I breathed harder and harder. I felt I was covered by a strong energy field and even felt like my body emitting light because of this intensive movement of energy. Eventually, my whole body was covered by this tingling sensation except that my head remained calm. In a way, I thought I wanted my brain to be engaged in this excitement. But, it did not happen.

Even though I cannot verify, this intensive experience may have lasted 7-8 minutes or even 20 minutes or more in total. I remember hoping that the bell does not ring to announce the end of this sitting session, as my sensation was so engaging and did not want it to be over prematurely. In any case, about five minutes or so before this sitting was over, the energy gradually dissipated and I came back to the normal state.

Reflecting this, I felt that the sensation I got was out of the world, and the best way I could characterize with my imagination is like having my whole body turned into a sensitive vagina with tingling sensation covering all over. It was as if I was making LOVE with the universe, bringing me up to an intensive yet blissful state. When I went out of the Meditation Hall in the break period, I was smiling. I felt that this is why Vipassana meditators are smiling happily, going through such direct experience.

* Pleasant Bodily Sensation, and the Snare of Mara

When we experience some inspiring moment, it often accompanies with joy by bodily sensation like our whole body weight is lifted.* Here, I sense that if there is a state where the field of compassion plays its role to unbind the binding/blockage, it may be seen as wisdom and/or LOVE in action. Some may call such experience as God's revelation or God's LOVE. I perceive that is what happened in this experience. (*Here is the connection to my idea of compassion and insight I discussed elsewhere, where I see compassion as a field of energy, and wisdom as resolution.)

In any case, following this experience, I had two similar experiences in the evening and more followed in subsequent sittings as well as when I was outside of the Meditation Hall. Even when I was to go to sleep in my sleeping bag, I felt the joy and happiness accompanied with me. In a way, I was covered in the sense of bliss, as witnessed by the tingling sense, which had a tendency to spread over my whole body very easily. While the bodily sensation continued to be pleasant and vivid and the sense of having had some kind of spiritual experience stayed with me over the next ten days or so, this sense subsided gradually. (See more in detail in the Section on "After the Course/Making LOVE with the Universe - the follow-up")

I knew that we needed not put any importance to such an experience. If we do, it will immediately become binding, creating craving in our mind and thus turn into a source of misery. In the interview with teacher, I asked for comments for this experience. He said, "You do not need to put words on these experience." I also noticed that Mr. Goenka warned us to this point, which I thought was very valid. He mentioned that some students come back to vipassana over and over just to re-experience the pleasurable sensation they had some time ago. This is craving again. Clear and simple.

As I interpret this experience now, such bodily sensation seems like a gift of being able to dissolve the blockage in our mind-body system. In a way, it is like feeling great when we take a warm bath after spending time out in the cold weather. In such a case, as soon as we take the bath, cells, which were inhibited to function, can express themselves much more freely, so we feel great. However, over time, such pleasant sensation will fade away like anything else - perhaps, replaced by subtle vibration of our living cells that we sense from time to time.

While I pondered if one can feel such sensation, as vividly under difficult situation such as when we are in hardship, there are examples of such blissful state observed in the literature. In one reference, it is described as "a paradise of inward tranquillity" and the sense of God's presence. (See Chapter on Saintliness from The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James, p. 225 for example. Also, p.228 shows a case of a woman making a transition from tense condition of hardship to equanimity. Also, relating to this, I will later touch on the implications of such situation of fully expressing the potential of each cells applied in the organizational setting. In my view, this is something to do with the continuous process of living fully - as we are meant to be.)

While sorting out this bodily sensation, I found the following important quote from the article, "The Snare of Mara" where, Mara refers to the forces opposed to liberation. This article is an extract from one of the discourses delivered by Mr. Goenka:

"…when free flow occurs you face a dangerous situation. This is the stage a subtle craving will start… This craving must go away. You must learn to stop relishing the pleasant sensations. You must discern the danger in them… A pleasant sensation appears to be pleasant, but it is really suffering… It is dukka, it is bondage. As the Buddha said, …Whatever sensation one is experiencing, it is actually dukka, dukka, dukka (misery)"

"Within the field of mind and matter, there is constant contact, because of which there is vedana (sensation), whether pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. To be free of vedana is to be free of misery. And only way to be free of vedana is to stop giving new fuel to fire. Let it burn out. It is so simple and yet so difficult."

from p.3 Vipassana Newsletter Vol 27, No.2, July , 2,000

So, if I may capture the essence of Vipassana meditation, we are to examine the totality of mind and body. To do this, we have sensation as means to penetrate into our mind-body system. By learning to observe sensation objectively, we can avoid any new reactions of craving or aversion, and can experience directly within oneself the reality of impermanence. This experience is essential for the development of detachment, leading to liberation of the mind. Yet, as we succeed in doing this, we may experience yet very pleasurable sensation. When this happens, we need to see this again as mere sensation and continue the path to observe this objectively and with equanimity as it merely represents the impermanence, the nature as it is. Seeing this is wisdom. Further practice requires volition.

Day Nine:

Continue Vipassana

* Pounding Heartbeat

At one of the morning sittings, I realized that my heart was pounding fast and loud. This has happened in the past when I meditated. But in this case, no matter what I tried, as soon as I get into the meditative state to concentrate (which I could do easily), my heart started to pound fast. This lasted the whole one hour of sitting whether I went back from Vipassana to Anapana(concentration of breathing) or not. Only way to slow my heart down was to start to think about things to divert my mind's attention to get out of the meditative state.

Concerned about this, I quickly asked the teacher what he might suggest at the break time. By this time, I have asked about the concern of heartbeat that was witnessed few times in the previous settings without getting any clear answer. Only interpretation was that this is just a symptom of anicca, the impermanence, where the symptom will pass away if left alone.

Later, the teacher asked me how my heart situation was and offered an idea that the next time it happens, I might just stop meditating and go for a walk. Funny thing was that after this incident that raised some level of concern in me, the heartbeat became calm without any major noticeable reasons that I can think of. Reflecting this later, I resolved that this heartbeat was one of the "block" or gross sensation that was later removed by detached observation.

Day Ten:

Sila, moral conduct, was re-emphasized. I thought this very appropriate especially after the emphasis on sensation, nature's laws, etc., we are still human to live in our society.
Talk on Compassion, followed by Metta meditation. This is about filling mind and body with thoughts and feelings of goodwill for all beings.

* Sila, and Compassion

As I reflect back on the energy I felt from the experience since Day Eight, that might be interpreted as sexual energy accompanied with an animalistic sense of being here and now. The experience may be seen as nothing to do with human thoughts, logic, and constraints associated with them. Rather, it may be seen as the release of binding or blockage that enabled me to directly feel the vibrations of the universe or nature as it is. As mentioned before on the snare of Mara, such strong sensation may be taken as something very attractive that we may be easily captured mistakenly. I believe that this lead to the point of having the right view in the eight-fold path so that we can be wise as to not to cause craving. Thus, we can avoid potential misunderstanding, which leads to misery for us as well as for others we associate with.

Sila may be seen as Dharma applied in human lives. The practice of sila is an "integral" part of the path of dharma. Without it, there can be no progress on the path, because the mind will remain too agitated to be able to investigate the reality within. From individual's understanding to social rules, we are to discover how sila is tied to samadhi and prajna, and find the meaning in practicing them for the happiness for all. In this way, sila helps for us to attain an awakened life.

If we have wisdom, it is only natural to share the learning with others. This is compassion. Get bliss, give bliss. Not self-indulging, it is doing the labor. For example, Mr. Goenka encouraged us to provide the service to the vipassana center. It is donation of time. Teachers provide with teaching time. Dharma is free. Receive it at one occasion, and pass it to the next. As students, we were fed and given shelters in addition to the teaching as Buddha did 2,500 years ago with monks with nothing in return. We are to pass the service to others as well. So, all processes that we engage in to promote awakened life and happiness may be seen as the meaning of sila in a larger sense. Then, I sense that from awareness and equanimity come compassion and wisdom.

* Tears, Bliss, and Equanimity

During Mr. Goenka's final discourse on compassion, twice, I felt sensation covering all over my body. It was a light tingling sensation, shivering feeling that swept through my whole body like a wind, bringing me the sense of bliss. Tears flew as if the spirit in Mr.Goenka touched something in me. The resonance was there because of the vibration that shook up my soul. Then, the shivering feeling and tears may be a sensation at the physical level of its own accord.

In various occasions, I heard him and his wife chanting something in Hindi or Pali at the end of audio tape sessions. They chanted for several minutes and the sound gradually faded away as they might have moved away from the microphone until the sound vanished. I knew that the time would come when I hear them leaving with that chanting for the last time. Thinking back, the course was like riding a roller coaster. Many things happened. It was an intense experience like living my whole life again from the zero base - with single purpose of finding the truth, and liberation from human misery. As their voice gradually faded away, I remained in awareness and equanimity, facing Anicca, the Impermanence.

Day of Departure: