- Gaining the
Experiential Wisdom
Recently, I attended my third vipassana 10-day retreat from 1/9/03-1/20/03 at California Vipassana Center. The purpose of this file is to clarify what I have gone through in the course and to prepare practicing the art of living in my daily life. Also, having gone through the inner travel for more than three years, I am hopeful to put more integrated perspective to what this is all about. The sub-title is to illustrate the importance of gaining the experiential wisdom in living the art of life and shedding off the defilements.
The course structure is the same as in the previous ones. A surprise of the facility this time was that there was a dish washer and ground lights added! About 100 people attended the retreat. Everyday, meditation started from 4:30A.M. with total of more than 10 hours per day. As usual, noble silence was practiced for the first nine days. Previous reports are found elsewhere on my home page. (Warning: Without the experiential knowledge of this technique the contents posted here may mislead the visitor to this page if not very careful – possibly creating a wrong impression.)
Whatever the reasons you happened to find this file, I wish the best on your journey!!! - Kio Suzaki (2/2/03)
Contents
Vipassana
Meditation Retreat (3)
Unconscious
becoming Conscious/ Zenki
Circle
without a center, observer/observed, and Quantum Theory
Putting
stakes into the ground
Finding
happiness should not depend on anything (like achieving objectives)
Craving
and Aversion is felt by the bodily sensation
All
you should try in meditation is to try to do nothing
Experience
as if I was Hit by a Lightning
Feeling
the Flow through the Spine
Conditions
that produces Bhanga / Satori
Feeling
the sensation of blood flowing in the vessel
Being
Aware of Sankhara in Various Situations in Life, yet maintaining equanimity
Entry
to the Grounded State (the state of attention/ awareness)
Learning
to be aware of unawareness
The aim for this retreat was to find out how further I can proceed and fully digest the core of this meditation technique. Having completed three 10-day courses and gained good grip of this technique (at least so I think now), I feel I can proceed with more vigor. Few points of reflection are:
- The key to meditation is to try “not to try”
- Playfulness (or should I say, “naturalness”) is important.
- Having better established in the technique(?!), I need to further practice the skills in my life.”
- Here, a key is “continuous” awareness of respiration and/or sensation in the daily life (i.e., “naturalness.” and awareness of “unconscious.”)
- To facilitate integration of this technique into my daily life requires wisdom while wisdom helps the further facilitate toward balanced (liberated/awakened) life
- Be happy from moment to moment.
As I will practice the skill that brings out the potential within, I will seek for the wholesome act (H-max.)/ balanced life – May all beings be happy!
Various cases of free flow I experienced indicate various ways of releasing energy – and perhaps eradicating errors/defilements. These experiences were sometimes short or otherwise long. Some were weak and subtle, others were strong and sudden. Also, some were felt very physically or even sexually, pointing the danger of craving or addiction. Others are more spiritual as in the no-self experience in the total darkness. Compassionate sense, or love to the all beings were also felt by subtle sensation covering the whole body.
Although Mr. Goenka teaches to direct the flow/sensation in certain direction, e.g., from the top of the head to the tip of the toe, I found that there were many more variations that can be experienced. They include such movement as from top to bottom, side to side, front to back, diagonally, penetrating into organs, random firing, movement on the skin surface, etc. Also, magnitude, speed, intensity, etc. varied as if they were all nature’s way of expressing itself in various fashions. These various experiences seem to tell me that mystery will never be “understood” – even though experienced unexpectedly.
To reflect on some experiences, I often saw small funny shaped blue/white light when I got into certain depth of Samadhi (Although interesting, I create no attachment to the shape, color, mantra, image, or any experiences – for that matter.). Hearing sounds by my body parts is another experience. As mentioned in my first retreat report, I could hear the sound of crickets on the palms of my hands as if I had ears there. Also, Mr. Goenka’s chanting may be felt by the body as if the whole body is resonating to the sound wave. The indication is that awareness seems to correspond to use all sense organs – pressure, scratching sense, sound vibration, smell, taste, texture, color, or the movement of mind.
Whenever I feel sensations in various ways, it is as if the channel is open to gain the direct experience (with the use of unconscious) and that there is no ego, fixed mind, or mind habit preventing me to be in touch with what is going on then and there. This corresponds to Zenki and Jizai state where unconditioned state is gained where the blocks are removed, the life’s energy flows freely and the insights gained. Then, “I” may find that this world is nirvana, corresponding to the discovery of the kingdom of heaven within. The chirping of the birds, dews on the leaves, and insects crawling on the ground all seem to represent this world being heaven as it is.
Having gone through the unforgettable experience in the first course, yet again without notice, I came back with more memorable experiences. They are:
- Strong upward energy flowing through the spine.
- One hour of continuous blissful state (Continuous orgasm – so to speak)
- Strong sensation as if I had experienced lightening in my brain/upper body for a few seconds
Reflecting back, these experiences themselves are meaningless to attach any value especially since the name of the game is not these momentary experiences (i.e., “impermanence”) but to live our life from moment to moment as it is meant!
Anapana: Not just focusing on the respiration, I felt I could think with the whole body. This is the same as conscious reaching out to the unconscious and vice versa, i.e., oneness. In one of the evening dharma talks, I felt a bit funny and surprised when Mr. Goenka mentioned that going across the river (going to the other shore) was to go from conscious to unconscious (if my memory is correct.). The meaning of the word, unconscious, may be a bit nebulous; yet, I feel that this is a clear expression of awakened state.
Also, I see this is the same as in Zenki (full activation of potential – Dogen). This is as if all cells are activated to express the full potential of our being. In meditative state, when there was a pain in the body, I was the pain – nothing else. “I” (as in conscious dualistic notion of “I” vs. pain) was gone as if by throwing itself into the pain and became Pain. This is to eliminate the mental/psychological pain (dharma pain) and face (be) the reality as it is. Otherwise, this corresponds to the expression of so called “no-self.”
While meditating around the third day, all of a sudden, I realized that I stopped breathing. I was so much into concentration/Samadhi and the breathing became subtler and subtler to the point that when I realized, I was not breathing any more. Perhaps, I was in this self-forgetting state for more than one minute. Then, I thought I had to force myself to breath so that I do not die. By breathing short and consciously, I tried to make sure that the oxygen flows into my body continuously. Yet, after a while, I found myself not breathing again and again.
This might correspond to the practice of yogi. Yet, experiencing this without any warning was a big surprise. We are to be aware of breathing (i.e., be aware of unconscious) at all times, so U Ba Kin said. This is a test of how grounded we are. Also, related to this experience, it may be important to know the difference between absorption and awareness. Mr. Goenka mentions about going beyond mind and matter. If this means absorption (i.e., lost awareness), this may be the difference between zen and vipassana.
* Interestingly, I have never experienced this in the following days. Whether this was due to my resolved state or this was only related to this sitting in the practice of anapana, I do not know. (From Day 4, our practice was changed to vipassana.)
Sankhara – conditioning – can be seen as errors in our mind-body system that was developed when we went through some life’s event without staying in equanimity. To clear these up is the job of meditation as if squeezing the puff to develop a healthy body. The process requires the determined effort. In lean manufacturing, reducing inventories will help expose the problem and streamline the flow of material. The process is very similar in vipassana.
If the mediation is too easy or free flow is not existing, this process of eradication is not taking place. The journey of meditation requires a long lasting effort with rigor. However, it also requires time for wounds to heal as opposed to be pushing hard at all time. If we pull the string of a bow too hard, it breaks. So, not too easy and not to hard, we need to practice the balanced way. Also, merely following the direction of the teacher may not be sufficient at certain, perhaps advanced stage. Although principle may remain the same, the practice may have to be based on the experiential wisdom. More experiential wisdom we can gain, we should be able to find our own way – enriched with experiences or skills that are obtained. Ultimately, self-mastery is the name of the game. (At a final (?) stage, throwing out the master and technique may be necessary. In Zen saying, this is: when meet Buddha, kill Buddha. This is when we become the master.)
Circle without a center is a Zen expression. This may be also like a circle with many centers within. While in meditation, I sensed that this expression is like having many cells in the body to be centers of the universe tied to the point of Zenki mentioned above. This becomes clear especially when we are at the no-self state when “we” may find that there is no center in the universe, i.e., emptiness. Or, this is like when we feel pain, we become the pain itself for example, i.e., non-dualistic state – as stated above.
When we scan the body in practicing vipassana, that is when we are the awareness and become the observer of what is going on. In fact, this expression of awareness or observer may be modified to observer become the observed – to be accurate. This is because there is no dualism to be found in pure meditation. (We become pain, koan, nembutsu, or awareness itself.) Here, the role of consciousness is thrown away (as we go across the river to the other shore) even though it may still play some role at times but more under the control of unconsciousness (hopefully not mischievous one). This is the reason why in meditation we should try not to try anything – for healing/ for nature/God to play its role – for prajna/insight to reveal itself.
What is very interesting is the analogy to the quantum physics. As the (observed) state changes when observer is in presence in quantum physics, in vipassana, awareness of bodily sensation bring out a state of bliss/vibration/excited state of cells in our body – and hence affect the mind to bring out the wisdom if not bliss and awareness of being. This is the same as the state of creation. And this is when we realize that we are God so to speak (I is taken over by Him.).
Daisetz call this as it knows itself. Mr. Goenka calls this as we becoming aware of unconscious. I call this state as experience is experiencing itself. This magic is directly observed as we practice vipassana. Not just eradicating errors, Vipassana is a magical experience of being. (Again, when we realize that our physical pain is composed of psychological and true physical pain (that is impermanent), to be able to distinctly become aware of this phenomena presents an important stage of our development.)
* Shikantaza (Just sit – Dogen) is like vipassana, so I thought. One person I met at the retreat mentioned to me that Vipassana is Chih Kuan in Chinese and origin of this in Pali is Vipassana. I do not know if this is accurate. But, I sense this is very plausible.
If we engage in any act that leads to harming others (or even oneself without knowing it) directly or indirectly, this is considered as unwholesome. In one of the discourses, this point was made by Mr. Goenka by giving an example of a person engaging his business in producing weapons. Related to this point, I had a discussion with my wife recently as to whether or not buying tobacco stocks. This example proves the point that our greed may overshadow the path for wholesome act.
If we are to seek for the “true” happiness, our whole act needs to be oriented to that ultimate aim. If there is any discontinuity (as in policy management) in not matching our act to the aim, we are creating a gap to develop the negative mind conditioning (sankhara). So, if we extend this logic, we may realize that even watching the TV full of violence, greed, envy, hate, or stimulating our sense organs (as many ads or TV programs do) may be found incongruent to the view toward happiness / liberation.
As human, we enjoy certain pleasure such as accumulating money, or satisfying the sense pleasure (so we think). I sense however that a wise man will be careful not to confuse himself from what is apparent on surface to what is real. In other words, any moment-to-moment reaction to our senses and movement of our mind is considered as a test for us to whether or not we can stay in the passage toward liberation. So, let us be aware of these traps, remain equanimous and bring out the penetrating wisdom. Let us prepare ourselves in the retreat like this and diligently practice this idea in life.
Note: The idea of wholesome act is like my H-max. idea and mini-company. It is a wholesome act of all cells and mind and body as well as those who is long or short, big or small, human or not. We are to express what we all have in a harmonious manner realizing the interconnectedness of all – Kegon/Avatamsaka.
If we extend this point on keeping every act and moment of our life aligned with the path to liberation/happiness, I can think of ways to do that. In the extreme (?!) case is the renunciation (i.e., the monk’s life) where any act to bring the misery or cause of misery is minimized. If not renunciation, as we practiced noble silence and focused the work on vipassana, we can still come up with certain practices/disciplines so that we can avoid unnecessary agitation by practicing them. Shila (precepts) are guidelines. Then, individually, we can come up with ideas to practice as we gain insights. (This is like a process control idea - PDCA.)
Here, two stories from the discourse come to mind. One was about Buddha not receiving the gift (abuse) by not responding (equanimity). The other symbolized idea was to put stakes around so that the inner peace is not disturbed by the outside influence (as in keep meditation practice without others to interfere, e.g., noble silence). Certainly, these represent a form of wisdom. If we do not practice these well, we are simply not learning the lesson and lacking the wisdom.
Compared to monks, we need more wisdom and discipline as we live in the environment where more variables triggering defilements. As in strong determination we practiced in the retreat, we should practice awareness and equanimity by being attentive to our environment so that the small tree of dharma can grow bigger and stronger. This is a balancing act. Also, this is catch-22, since to be aware and equanimous, we need to find the environment. Yet, to find requires prajna and therefore awareness and equanimity. Instead of getting into the negative feedback, we need to feed forward to move on our path for liberation. (And, if we realize that we are not moving forward, we should simply go back to restart the process as opposed to keep spinning the wheel.)
* Tied to the point of wholesome act, each individual needs to find a balanced approach depending on the identified needs (wisdom). Blindly following other person’s advice or practice may not be recommended. (Still, the sad part is that, if we are blind, we may not know what to follow, or that we are blind.)
The key is to realize the mind-matter relationship. Craving to any object is endless. After mastering to walk and run, we may seek for succeeding to ride bicycle, and drive car. Or, seek for this new model and that new feature. If the balance is lost, then interest may shift to airplane, rocket, space shuttle, and on and on. The same may be true to personal relationships from A to B, and to C. In this way, our external object of interest changes continuously – never ending. Aversion from any object produces the similar situation. Even after getting rid of one problem, there will be another problem. If a person A or problem B is avoided, there may be C and D, etc. Or, after avoiding this feature, then avoid that one, etc.
Still, without having relationship with external objects, we cannot live in the society. If we are totally detached from the values of people/society, we are not any more social beings. But if the peace and liberation is something that we want to have, detachment / no-self is to be found. Does this mean whenever our minds move, we should “renounce” the world every time? Perhaps, yes. (This corresponds to moment to moment mediation – but may lead to blindness to the problems of the society.) Perhaps, no. (This represents the use of the brain – but may lose the equanimity if not well established in dhamma.) Perhaps, it is the balance as to where we put the stakes. (as in finding the wholesome act) Ultimately, it is supreme (?!) wisdom that gives the answer. If we are like a sailboat finding a passage toward the destination, is this not living our life skillfully, and with insight?
When I sense as if I am in heaven listening to birds, watching clouds, flowers, etc. and sensing the connection with all, what is it to do with the war and problems we have in this world? This side (dualism) and that side (Oneness/direct experience) of the shore is one. Not just the problems on earth, what about the problems in the planet million lights away from here? Given the situation, can we find the meaning in what we do? What is the mission (given the condition)? Practice PDCA (Plan-Do-Check-Act). (reflect and move on in living our life.) Identify with infinite compassion to all beings – for liberation, and happiness. May all beings be happy, yet be pragmatic/realistic as to what we do.
This statement should be obvious for any Vipassana practitioner. However, how wisely we can use this “understanding” as experiential wisdom in life is a critical question. If not practiced, everything is like a mirage. In retreat, we try to hone our awareness and eliminate past negative conditioning. We may overcome pain by scientifically observing it and not fighting against it, for example. In living our life, however, we may not be aware as keenly as in the retreat and hence accumulate more negative conditioning or bad karma.
As we hone our awareness, we should then acquire the skill to understand the mind-matter (body) relationship and find ways to utilize this skill in life. Otherwise, we keep repeating this game of donning on and off the sankhara and attend the retreat repeatedly with no avail. The principle is; “Be awake, and be aware of what is going on as it is – with equanimity.” As we brought back the attention to breathing every time we realized that we drifted off in the practice of anapana, we need to be centered/ grounded as often as we can.
On the tenth day when noble silence is broken, a few people told me their experiences. One said, he spent the whole session in lecturing to his kids in his mind instead of focusing on meditation (he is a teacher). The other said that he developed the whole architectural design of his new home in one session as he daydreamed in this project. Granted that Einsten might have done the same when he was sitting on the beam of light traveling the universe when he discovered the theory of relativity, these fantasy may not add much in our pursuit of awakening. These, including falling into sleep in meditation, represent the lack of awareness to realize what is going on. (It is out of the question to pay attention to others in the retreat. It is said that Dogen did not know the face of the person sitting next to him for a long time.)
Continuous awareness of respiration or sensation (and the movement of the mind) is the ideal. If not, the idea of one-minute meditation I mentioned elsewhere may help (to feel the sense in our hand, body, respiration, every now and then as if to check the connection to heart). Of course, as we find us in the state of negativity/misery, it should be a good idea to do a careful scanning on the spot or later in meditation. We are to keep assessing the situation continuously as hunters should not to lose his way (himself) when chasing his prey.
This is a seemingly paradoxical statement. The point is that more we seek for it, or try it, further away the solution escapes. In this retreat, I occasionally thought of this phrase that I came up with whenever I could not find the sensation. To know this experientially, I believe, is the secret of meditation. Effort is to be made yet it has to be the effortless effort. However paradoxical this may sound, this is the essence.
As reported elsewhere on my home page, on the eighth day of my first retreat, I went through an unforgettable experience that ties to this point vividly. Then, the realization dawned on me. Later, the same pattern was repeated in various ways. While I say “try to do nothing,” of course, we have to have the strong will for liberation and/or living life with the best of what we have.
When we cannot go any further (when we realize the blockage/gate) after so much trials are made, the solution is often realized when we stop trying (thus gateless gate). It takes knack to understand how to get to this state. As we establish in this skill, the process become more autonomous as any master does the work (bring out the wisdom) so effortlessly. Also, if no wisdom is realized, simply be aware of what is going on and remain equanimous. I view that this is the very meaning of “awareness” leading to the awakened life.
When we accomplish to practice this knack (art) mentioned above – without trying, this is when we are on the other shore where we do not carry any more “techniques,” instructions, methods, etc. All the efforts made for mastery is now integrated as a skill of the “master” in his unconsciousness to find ways to exhibit its power. It is as if the nature’s way is with us and that our “artificial” ways, sankhara, etc. has lost their significance (i.e., their phony nature revealed).
Our behavior then becomes as if our life is flowing like water (Daisetz). Dogen says, “Flexible mind” – for example, to know “eyes are located horizontally and nose vertically.” In this state (of nirvarna), we find harmony, peace, and effortlessness for the art of living (balancing act).
I felt the orgasmic/nirvarnic state for about one hour on the eighth day in the afternoon. It was very much a sexual kind as if I was in continuous (cosmic?!) orgasm lasting for about one hour. By the time when I experienced this in this retreat, I had gone through various bodily sensations with subtle vibrations passing through my whole body (sweeping in mass). Having gone through many of these, I felt tired and did not want to keep trying any more. I decided to rest and “just observe” without making any effort to try to do anything. (How similar this state is for all of my “awakening” experiences!)
In the beginning, I was observing the subtle sensation here and there in my body. It was a familiar tickling wave-like sensations felt in different parts of my body. Rest yet, I paid attention to the sensation fully. Also, I tested to see if by paying attention to the area of body adjacent to the area of sensation, if the sensation moves/propagates. (This is the same process as I do in sweeping in mass except that I did this in a much gentler and gradual way.) I simply explored to find out what may happen.
What happened was the tsunami wave-like sensation slowly traveled through my body from right to left, front, back, etc. in various directions continuously as I moved my attention. The sensation was felt at the skin level as if the wave was crashing with cells here and there as it traveled. Also, it was as if the wave or sparkling energy cloud/fluid is moving while it reacts with the internal organs as if producing the chain reaction*. The whole movement of this mass was like a warm sizzling, or sparkling sense – not too strong or violent but very subtle and pleasant (i.e., heavenly). It may be that my trained sense of awareness detected the subtlety of this nature**. Throughout this experience, my head remained calm and my body relaxed. It was as if my body frame was there and inside was a continuous combustion of life energy.
* The sense was felt like burning the fuel as supplied by the nearby cells in the body. (It was the same sense as I felt on the eight day of my first retreat although much, much slower.) This may represent the self-organizing process where reconfiguration of cell/body structure takes place as if to get rid of the impurities to purify the mind-body. As in the past, I felt like throwing off the burden from my shoulder or feeling refreshed by taking a bath. Although top of the head to tip of the toe motion may produce the same results, my realization is that there are various ways to do this as noted here.
** This is another example where quantum physics kind of phenomena is experienced, i.e., my awareness is responded back with the physical sensation. This may be seen as another kind of mind-matter phenomenon. Vipassana technique being gradual, as I understand it, it may be that this kind of experience is tied to a progress of us familiarizing the mind-matter relationship.
*** There was no garlic bread served at the lunch meal in this retreat as compared to the last two retreats. A 15-time veteran to the retreat later told me that he also noticed this as odd as all meals are generally preplanned for the course. However, we had a full moon on the eighth / ninth day of this retreat contributing for me to have this experience as a nature’s gift.
On the ninth day in the afternoon meditation session at around four o’clock, I felt like I was floating in the air comfortably. At this time, I lost interest to keep on sweeping in mass as I was quite “bliss-ed out” with having experienced enough free flows. So, I stayed quiet but was aware of what was going on. Suddenly, out of the blue, I sensed a tiny sensation at the peripherals of my body – here and there. In a split second, as if these sensations gathered force inside my body frame, I was Zapped like by a lightening.
It was as if all floating particles of exited state in my body rapidly gathered together to the center of my brain and the top portion of my spine. In my mental eyes, I could see the white lightning. I felt like my brain neurons were all burned out. Perhaps, it was an event of 0.1 to 0.2 second, leaving me with the burning sensation as if I was struck by the lightening. In the following moment, I felt like I was God (as if the moment of creation was experienced by itself). In the vast space of emptiness, I also felt I was back at home. Then, perhaps a few seconds later, I felt like a truly/genuinely ordinary human.
Since I felt I was at home being in that state, the meaning of comparison, such as to be in rush, to think, to do, or to seek for something vanished. While I have heard the expressions like falling off the mind and body, this experience was like floating in the air. (as there was nothing to fall off out of me.) While I knew that I could use my brain if I chose to, I did not feel a need to do so. Also, I felt if I used my brain, I sensed that I might move away from this “home.” (I now realize that this indicates I was thinking, however.) So, I stayed in that (empty) state for 20-30min. and experienced the experience of being. In a way, it was like after the major performance, I was still left there to enjoy the reminiscence.
I felt then that this experience meant nothing to others. Also, I felt that other people’s experience meant nothing to me.
Coming back home,
To float in the air,
after being hit by the lightening.
Nothingness,
Words lost their meaning,
In the eternal silence.
This experience also happened around 8-9th day. On this occasion, as I found that I could “control” (control without control) the flow, I experimented various things. This being my third retreat, I tried to develop/find a free flow not just on surface but inside my body framework from the fourth day on. I “tried” to develop/find the flow top-down, side-way, or penetrating though various organs.
I have had a sensation that is as if being touched by an electric welding rod before. However, as compared to Mr. Goenka’s expression of size of the area being the size of finger and not change its size after probed, most of my experience was that the sensation spreads to surrounding areas. In any case, after trying out various ways to have a free flow, I thought of trying out a free flow through my spine.
In my last retreat, I tried but the movement of sensation going up the spine was very slow. It took about 10-20 minutes for the sensation to come up the spine. It was as if there was a ball of energy gradually going up from my bottom. This time, I felt that my body was more of an excited state (as if static electricity was present) when I thought of this spine experiment. In order to do this, I first checked three separate parts of my spine to see if they are ready and excited (i.e., I could feel the sensation at the lower portion of my spine, middle portion and my skull area.) I realized that there was definite sensation as if energized particles gathered together to the center area of each of these three segments. Then, like sweep in mass, I focused the sweep from the bottom to the top of my head in one quick motion.
The result was that I had a strong surge of energy coming up the spine. It was as if the whole spine was singed. (Similar to the lightening experience mentioned above.) I was surprised, but this time, there was neither strong feeling such as happiness, etc. nor any insight. Possibly, some sankhara was eliminated. Minutes later, I felt some pressure in my head as if I have used my brain a lot. So, I remained calm rather than repeating this experiment.
Having gone through this experience and others, I realized that I have gone through most of bhanga experiences Mr. Goenka mentioned in his discourse. What is interesting is that although I have talked with 20-30 people in the last three retreats, most have not experienced these. One person, however, shared me his experience, calling it as no-self experience. In his case, he experienced the free flow in separate parts of his body, e.g., his thighs. Then, he found the state of emptiness in the total darkness.
When I shared my experience, one person mentioned that I
might have had a good past karma in my previous lives – whatever that may
mean. He was apparently amazed to hear my
experience but seemed to have maintained his equanimity. Having seen him in a beautiful sitting
position, I could only admire his humble and resolved stance. I felt that it is not so important to have
these experiences compared to maintaining equanimity.
Vipassana can become a sensation game. Reaching out to the unconscious and finding
the pleasurable/blissful state, one may be driven by the sensation like animals
and forget the law of dhamma. Religion without science is blind (Einstein).
The impulse of desire, or greed have overwhelmed us too long. Balance needs to be found. Awareness and equanimity are the essence. Be aware of the trap. Enjoy but not to be caught by it. We are like animals but with brains. Do not do things that causes suffering!!!
Bhanga means: Dissolution. An important stage in the practice of Vipassana, the experience of the dissolution of the apparent solidity of the body into subtle vibrations which are constantly arising and passing away. ( p. 274, U Ba Khin Journal)
In the evening discourse on around the eighth day, Mr. Goenka mentioned 1) sensing fluidity in the body frame when one can sweep the whole body mass in one breath, and 2) sensing as if an electrical welding rod penetrate the body, perhaps leading to the upward or downward energy movement in the spine. According to this description, I had the case 1) at a large magnitude (super bhanga?) on 8th day of the first course, and case 2) in this course. Also, as a variation of case 1), I had nirvanic continuous orgasm-like experience mentioned above. So, I see that there are variations of bhanga.
Another point Mr. Goenka mentioned is that after one to experience bhanga, there may be still more sankhara to be released through more bhanga’s. This fits to my experience. So, the training and elimination of errors need to continue (toward full liberation - Tamaki). This reminds me of Joshu (Zen Master) to train 30 more years after his major Satori experience although Bhanga and satori may not be directly compared. In Hakuin’s case, Shoju discarded his first major experience as not quite true/authentic. Shoju simply found Hakuin as arrogant and egoistic then.
Bhanga and Satori seem to have similar characteristics. However, it appears that Bangha having more physical nature as contrasted to Satori/Awakening containing little more of intellectual insight such as understand and experience the laws of universe. (Re: Hisamatsu, Imakita, Harada, et. al.) Ultimately, however, both addresses the purification of our mind-body for liberation, i.e., throw away the burden, sankhara, or defilement, and to be genuinely happy as human being.
In both cases, there seem to have progressive experiences before the final goal is attained (if any and/or if at all possible). While my comments may be of no value on such a topic, here are my observations. As found in many stories of Satori, the release experiences like these are not to be expected. They are not predictable and not to be sought after. However, there seem to be certain condition(s) that produce the release (insight). From my experiences, they are:
- Release is experienced at the least expected moment (i.e., not predictable)
- In Bhanga; the sensation comes from most unsuspected direction.
- In Satori, it (insight) is found as if screen is removed from one’s eyes. One feels that everything is as clear as the sky. It also accompanies physical sensation. (One may have an experience of bhanga and satori, combined as well.)
- One has to work hard to get to the point of resignation or going beyond desperation so to speak. (However it is effortless effort at the end.)
- Psychologically (consciousness-wise), one find emptiness (not meaning sad or anything negative at all however). It is the state of Hishiryo (thinking of no-thinking) It is Jizai/Zenki state (all cells are in the free state for insight/release to occur) There is no self (false sense of self) in that moment.
- If one goes through such experience, he or she may still go back to the previous state rather easily if the root of defilement is not taken away (i.e., the state that produces bhanga and satori should be well internalized). When one thinks that one had satori or bhanga as if one has accomplished something, this may trigger ego, craving, etc. to bring back the burden to carry again – and again.
Also, I sense that there is mini-satori’s or mini-bhanga’s experienced as insight (with intellectual content) or release of energy (more with physical content). “Quiet center to observe what is going on” is another expression to come up with insight where the psychological state shows similarity. For all of these, there is a definite link to physical sensation, perhaps bliss or the sense of healing. Sense of going for a ride is another expression when we feel that our life’s flow is in line with the way of the universe/nature. They are all refreshing, and unburdening. We sense joy, energy, liveliness, and genuine happiness as the way we are.
* Although it is somewhat interesting to ponder about Satori, Bhanga, stream entry, etc., my current view is that the characteristics of these may depend on the way we are brought up (karma), the situation of release (metabolism, mental and physical condition, etc.). Ultimately, what is important is the continued awareness and maintained equanimity that keeps producing insight. On p.60 of The Discourse Summaries, Mr. Goenka says, “Equanimity must be practiced at the level of bodily sensation in order to make a real change in one’s life.”
In the last few days of retreat, I had three short dreams. They were mysterious enough to indicate some symbolic meaning. So, I pondered in the bed to analyze the dream.
- Anger:
In this dream, something like a book was thrown at me suddenly. At the moment, my anger rose reacting to the insensitiveness of the person(even though I did not see the person in the dream). When I woke up, I realized that the thing thrown to me was the zipper of my sleeping bag falling onto my face, corresponding to the event in the dream.
The sharp rise of anger is difficult to control. Still a wise/well trained person may avoid falling into such a situation. Another angle of this dream is that we do not dream to reverse the flow of time. I dreamed this because of the zipper (matter) and the logic in the dream (mind) was added later. It is like insight generation triggered by the bodily stimulation except that in this case, it is sankhara that did the trick. It may be that this is a testimony of mind-matter relationship and the existence of deep-rooted(?!) sankhara in me.
- People floating in the sea
In this dream, I saw many people floating in the sea. Somehow, they were holding the rope as if this long rope is attached somewhere so that the people could be saved eventually. However, I noticed that the rope kept broken here and there so that people in the sea had to keep tying the rope. After pondering for the message of the dream, I thought this scene was typical of what we do in this world. We keep tying the knot (creating the binding continuously), thinking that it will eventually rescue us. Yet, we may keep on tying the knot as we float in the sea of samsara endlessly. It may be symbolizing the point that in order to live fully we need to break the chain that bind our life.
- Meeting people
In this dream, I met a family. What was different was that I found their faces painted like the faces found in the Beijing play. They were covered with red color paint next to their eyes. Although I felt odd at this, for them, there seemed nothing funny about it. After waking up from this dream, I thought the facial painting represents the social mask we carry in life. How fake and insignificant it is. Yet, perhaps it is necessary to a degree (to disguise who we are in order to carry out our life – whatever that may mean).
This was an odd experience possibly generated from the autosuggestion. On the tenth day when we finished the noble silence and I had a small conversation with one participant (who experienced no-self / bhanga experience), he mentioned briefly about his experience of noticing the blood flowing in his body while in meditation. When I heard this, I felt funny that I have not experienced this yet, because I did not pay attention. The funny thing is that I experienced this in the evening sitting.
In this experience, I felt the blood flowing in my thigh as if seven or ten blood clots (each about 0.5 inch length) were moving in various areas of my thighs. It was as if they were some unknown creatures moving under my skin. This sensation lasted few minutes. Later, I talked about the detail of my experience with this gentleman to find out that his symptom was exactly the same as mine except that he had experienced in other areas of his body as well (although he said most prominent sensation was in his thighs.)
I do not know what to make out of this. Does keen awareness open our eyes to experience things that were not possible before? As human has learned to do many things by seeing others doing, experimenting, succeeding and progressed over time, perhaps, similar situation may be possible in our meditative experiences. By reading Mr. Tamaki’s experiences in his life for example (see my file on the home page), I feel that there are many possibilities for us – including “supreme” enlightenment (?!).
When I was to sleep the other day, I noticed that I like to take a certain position in bed. I then realized that this must be a manifestation of sankhara, e.g., wanting to feel secure before going to sleep. If one is used to having parents tack him in or give back rub before going to sleep, for example, he may want similar sensation before going to have a restful sleep.
Although this may sound trivial, we are made of millions of these conditioned habits where some can bring misery if we do not know how to deal with them. After all, doesn’t liberation mean we are free from many of these conditioned habits as we face various situations? More governed we are by these, more troublesome we will be in facing various situations in life. Ultimately, being equanimous in facing various situations in life is the answer, is it not? True happiness/liberation does not depend on the external condition so much, does it?
When we feel sensation as it is and being able to remain equanimous, we may find that we are at the grounded level. If we have lost the equanimity and the situation is posing some sign of imbalance, whatever the cause is, respiration and sensation may be an anchoring tool to get into “the state” or condition that is the ground to produce release insight. It may be that chanting, visualization, sound vibration, touching sense, etc. can bring this grounded state for some.
Since we are often bound more than awake, let us be aware of:
- Sensation – This may be bodily sensation as in the case of cloth touching the skin, temperature of the feet, blocked/gross sensation, subtle sensation, etc.
- Respiration (a kind of sensation)
- Sound of a bird, wind chime, or perhaps chanting, etc. for some.
- Moving eyes over things. (wilbro for example)
In a way, these acts/behaviors bring the unconscious to the level of conscious (Hishiryo – thinking of no-thinking). These may be seen as an anchor/trigger to get into the state - for flow/jizai for liberation and insight.
I remember a Zen saying. When asked to find the path for liberation, master answered, “Do you hear the sound of stream?” Monk answered, “Yes.” Master, “That is the point to enter.”
Although I do not know the intent of this dialogue, it may be that when one is intimately familiar to the sound, his mind and body become one with the sound at the state of here and now, and no-self. Then, in Vipassana terms, free flow is experienced. In Zen terms, Jizai, liberated state of mind and body, is gained.
When my son was unaware of the voice of the teacher when she called him, he got into trouble because he was occupied in the conversation with his friends. In this occasion, I mentioned that he needs to make sure to have his antenna activated – so to speak. When we try to learn how to ride a bicycle, if we are not aware of the balance, we will not go far. In sports and in martial art, it appears that if one is established in the field, he can be aware of even a small sign to respond to as opposed to be oblivious to such signs.
These points suggest that when one is to master any skill, his sub- (un-) consciousness has to play a role. Here, in Buddhism, it is considered that in sub-consciousness, huge amount of data (information) from past experiences are stored (alaya) for use provided that there is a neurological connection. This connection is the awareness and experiential wisdom for us to gain. At the same time, unneeded past memories/programs (sankhara) need to be discarded as they can do more harm.
In short, the lesson is: Let us develop the skill to be aware of unawareness and remain equanimous. Awareness and equanimity. Awareness and equanimity. Two wings of a bird. Two wheels of a carriage. We need to have good antenna and insight to navigate in this world. Now, if we know this at heart, are we mastering the art of living? Are we progressing? What are the signs?
Mr. Goenka said, if you practice Vipassana you may avoid misery perhaps 9 out of 10 times. Your anger may be noticed perhaps 1 millisecond earlier. But by trying, eventually, you can improve the score to reach to the other shore. I see this presenting a very pragmatic view. The process may be gradual. It could be that no major changes might be found for a while. Yet, we are to learn and move on as opposed to develop more sankhara as if to fight against the laws of nature.
Knowing myself somewhat forgetful, I tried to capture a few points in this file to reflect on and to practice with strong determination. Here are few reminders to prepare for my journey ahead:
- Be aware of what is going on. Be present.
- Be pragmatic to find out if the pain is the pain, suffering is the suffering, and pleasure is the pleasure. (- as scientist may study the object carefully, therefore, not the creation of my mind)
- Be conscious of unconscious by paying attention to inattention (by trying not to try)
- Practice one-minute meditation (checking of centered/grounded-state awareness)
- Burn the defilement/errors whenever I can. (scan my body and mind)
- Familiarize the mind-matter relationship. (by reflection/quick feedback)
- Do not feed more defilements/errors/sankhara. (practice shila, stay away from problematic situation, put stakes)
- Especially when there are many potentials to add sankhara, burn (throw away) already existing ones before adding more. (Know that if there are too many to burn, they tends to smother for a long time, preventing to have the clean, efficient burning)
- Live with less (or, know enough is enough), e.g., money, alcohol, goods, desire for earthly sensations.
- When facing difficulties, know that this also pass (impermanence).
- If “I realize” that the error/defilement is being thrown away, most likely that is not enough. (It is much better to over-burn and extinguish them than under-burn them)
- As found in the law of multiplication, even if I think that the cleaning is done, I may easily accumulate more sankhara without awareness and equanimity.
- If sankhara is not removed from the root, it may still come back to haunt me. So, I may regress, thus, repeating the process over and over.
- Conversely, as I internalize the process/skill, more wisdom/ideas will help me to further move on in my journey.
- This is catch-22 situation. More awareness, more wisdom. More wisdom, more awareness. When I have it, I have it. When I lose it, I need to start again. So, once I gain progress, I’d better keep it and move forward.
- Every now and then, study the meaning of infinite compassion and equanimity and see if I can relate to them.
- With wisdom, find ways to practice it – with balanced and wholesome manner.
- Shila-smadhi-prajna. Shila-samadhi-prajna.
In life’s journey, there are mountains, hills, valleys, etc. to go through. Many more ups and downs are expected – perhaps adding some flavors in my journey. To close this file, I would like to extend my best wishes for everybody’s journey ahead.
* Back to my home page: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/index.html
Also, FYI;
- My first retreat: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/vipassanareport.html
- My second retreat: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/vipassanareport2.html