AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon
By Dyne
Final Fantasy VII and Xenogears are copyright Squaresoft Inc.
All Nintendo characters are copyright Nintendo Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyright its respected creators.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc.
Dragon Ball Z is copyright FUNimation Productions.
All respected characters not aforementioned are copyright their respected creators.
In AVALANCHE Hq. Dav, Cloud, Vegeta, and Spanky are duking it out on Super Smash Bros.
Cloud: (Playing as Link) Eat boomerang you moronic cream puff!
Dav: (Playing as Kirby) I don't think so! (Grabs Link and slams him out) Hahahahahahaha! Link's gay!
Cloud: Dammit!
Spanky: (Playing as Mario) I've got a proximity mine and know how to use it!
Vegeta: (As Captain Falcon) Big deal, eat this! (Blasts his @$$ off with a ray gun)
Spanky: Mama mia!
Dav: Game over! Should we whip these idiots' @$$es again Vegeta?
Vegeta: F**k yeah!
Cait Sith: That's 2 for Vegeta/Dav, 0 for Cloud/Spanky.
(Upstairs)
Tifa: Since when did Dav invite Spanky to live here?
Aeris: Then again, since when did Dav live here?
Dyne: Since I started this fic!
Tifa/Aeris: Oh...
Red XIII: Excuse me Tifa, you left the bar unguarded again.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on a drinking rampage and breaks some bottles)
Tifa: S**t not again!!! (Runs in to stop Cait's Friend)
Aeris: Good one Double D.
Tifa: Shut up Ancient b***h!!! Cid was the one on guard duty! What happened to him?
Red XIII: Does Cid sleeping answer your question?
Cid (Snoring his head off and dreaming) Damn! Daisy Duke's hot!
Barret: Shows how unreliable that f**kin' redneck is.
Cid: (Gets up instantly) I heard that you goddamn monkey! (and shoves his spear up Barret's @$$)
Barret: Ah s**t! Not again! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
Cid: Guess who's also been training under Vegeta?! (Flicks Barret off)
Barret: Sh't!!!
Tifa: Cid you just cost me 5000 gil for the drinks!
Cid: Hey this isn't the first time that motherf**ker's drunk your booze!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Reno (Walks in): Yeah I hear you buddy!
Cait's Friend/Reno: Tequila man!
Aeris: (Kicks Reno out of the bar) Since when are Reno and Cait's Friend best buddies?
Red XIII: You shouldn't have said that.
Dyne: Because I said so!
Aeris/Tifa/Red: D'oh...
Cid/Barret: ...Poopy!
(Back downstairs)
Cloud: (Now as Yoshi) Die you Saiyin pussy! (Turns Falcon into an egg and farts him off the edge)
Vegeta: As always you forget something.
Cloud: What?!
Dav: THIS!!! (Throws a bob-omb and blows Yoshi's egg-sucking @$$ away)
Cloud: AH! S**T! NOT AGAIN!
Vegeta: You know what they say, "The defeat of a Saiyin warrior only makes the Saiyin stronger!"
Cloud: Now who are "they"?
Spanky: You said that in the last fic.
Dav: Big deal! (Whacks Mario with a bat)
Mario: (Goes flying off the screen)
Dav: Ha! We win again!
Cait Sith: The score is 3:0.
Spanky: I think we'd better give up.
Cloud: Hell no! We're gonna defeat them yet!
(Suddenly the TV goes crazy)
Vegeta: What...
Cait Sith: the...
Dav: bloody...
Cloud: hell?!
TV: We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.
Spanky: It must be really important to interrupt a video game.
Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
TV: Saffron city is under attack by a completely unknown source!
Dav: Saffron?!
Cloud: That's the Pokémon city!
Vegeta: Do we care?
Dav/Cloud/Cait: No.
Vegeta: Fine then.
TV: Okay now it seems that the attacker is a giant winged hell demon.
Cait Sith: That's Vincent!!!
Cloud: No s**t Sherlock!
Vegeta: Should we help him or stop him?
Dav: I suggest we do both.
Spanky: I'll stay here and watch the fort.
Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
Cait/Dav/Vegeta: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp!
Cloud: I get the idea already!!!!!!
Dav: Crap, and this is only the first part of the fic.
(Cloud, Cait Sith, Vegeta, and Dav go upstairs)
Cloud: (Sees Cid mopping up the spilled tequila) I see Cait's Friend got to the drinks again Tifa.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Tifa: (Holding a 2X4 and is positioned to attack in case Cid started slacking) Yeah and this time it was Cid's fault!
Cid: $%^#%&@#%&@#$%76@#%&@$%&@$%&@%&!!!!!!!!
Vegeta: Anyway the TV just said that Vincent's attacking a city, so we're going to help him then stop him.
Barret: Help him! You f**kin' crazy foo'!
Cait Sith: He's attacking the Pokémon city.
Cid: What the hell are we waiting for!? (Runs out and readies the Highwind)
Aeris: It's amazing how quickly he got it out of the quicksand.
Tifa: Who's going to clean up the mess?!
Dyne: No problem!
(Steel and Steve enter)
Steel: I am a sexual Care Bear. (Author's note: He actually said that in school!)
Red XIII: Uh yeah... that's nice...
Steve: Yeah! Babes!
Tifa/Aeris: Oh f**k!!!
Steve: Baaaaaaabes! (Starts chasing Tifa and Aeris around)
Dav: (Trips Steve) Get busy and I might let you see some pictures of Lara Croft I found on the Net. (Hands him the mop)
Steve: Babes! (Starts mopping)
Tifa: Got a one-track mind, just like Cait's Friend.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man.
Steve: Babes.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Steve: Babes!
Cait's Friend: TEQUILA MAN!!!
Steve: BABES!!!
Steel: I'd better supervise this strange argument.
Barret: You do that foo'.
Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey.
Red XIII: You never learn your lesson.
Cait/Barret/Dav/Vegeta/Steel: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out!" or something!?
Cloud: Go to hell! All of you!
(AVALANCHE takes off in the Highwind while Steel, Steve, Cait's Friend, and Spanky stay in the Hq. We'll come back to
them later)
(On the Highwind)
Vegeta: Hey Aeris, you bored?
Aeris: Yeah...
Vegeta: Then I can think of something for you to do.
Aeris: Hell yeah! (Runs into their bedroom with Vegeta)
Cloud: I'm bored.
Tifa: What're you waiting for?! (Grabs Cloud and they run into their bedroom)
Dav: Yes! (Calls to Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) Hey guys, come over here!
Barret: Watchoo want foo'!
Dav: I bugged their rooms, listen to this. (Walks over to a section of the bridge and turns his system on)
Vegeta: The local train arrives on the hour.
Aeris: In France the truffles are many.
Dav/Barret/Cid/Red/Cait: HUH?!!
Vegeta: Coffee can make one hyper.
Aeris: Geometry would be easier if there are good teachers.
Dav: They're on to us!
Aeris: Over and out...
Dav: I'll switch to the other room. (Flips another switch)
Tifa: Ohhhhh Cloud... ohhhh... (Makes pleasurable noises)
Cloud: Harder baby! HARDER!!!
Barret/Cid: Hell yeah!
Crewman: Captain, we're receiving a transmission. I'll play it in the conference room.
Cid: Wait a damn minute will ya?!
Cait Sith: I think we've had enough, my circuits are overloading from excitement.
Dav: (Shuts it off) Let's go!
(Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Dav head for the conference room to receive the transmission while Aeris/Vegeta
and Cloud/Tifa continue "having fun")
Cid: Okay you f**king jokers, lemme see what ya got!
Crewman: Yes sir! (Opens the channel and Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 appears)
Dav: Mike?! Why are you contacting us?!
Mike: Well Dr. Forrester suddenly disappeared and I'm still stuck on the Satellite of Love. But now someone else took
over and now we're forced to read bad fanfics!
Barret: Damn! That's evil.
Cid: That's my line!
Red XIII: Don't get started guys. Everyone's always stealing everyone else's lines these days.
Dav: No s**t Sherlock.
Red XIII: Hey, you stole that line from me!
Dav: Well you stole it from Cait in the first place!
Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
Cid: Back to the subject at hand.
Mike: Thank you.
Cait Sith: Do you know who this new... uh d**kweed is?
Mike: Yeah! Her name is- (Transmission shorts out)
Barret/Cid/Red/Cait/Dav: Her?!
Barret: Seems instead of a foo', we got a b***h.
Cid/Red/Dav/Cait: No s**t Sherlock!
Barret: We still in the first half of the fic an already that line is overused!
Dav: Anyway we've got to figure out who's trying to take over the world with bad fanfics.
Red XIII: Waittaminute, the screen!
TV: (Stops showing static and a girl appears)
Cid: Who the f**k are you?!
Girl: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of Justice!
Dav: Then why do you have meatballs in your hair?
Cait Sith: Ha! Good one Dav!
Sailor Moon: I am here to give you this warning. Do not interfere with my leader's plan to conquer the world! (Ends
communication)
Red XIII: We've got a problem here!
Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock!
(On the Satellite of Love)
Mike: Damn! I didn't get to warn 'em about who they're dealing with!
Tom Servo: Don't worry about it Mike, at least we managed to get through to 'em.
Crow: Yeah, and since this new maniac is a lot dumber than Forrester it's only a matter of time.
Mike: Are you guys sure you don't want me to fly this thing again?
Servo/Crow: Hell no!
Mike: Oh come on! All I did last time was break the Hubbell!
(Back on the Highwind)
Learner Pilot (Lvl. 12): Sir we've reached-
Cid: If you say Midgar my spear goes right up your @$$!
Pilot: Saffron City!
Cid: Hot damn! Hey monkey man! Get the others out onto the deck!
Barret: I pity da foo' who calls me a monkey man!
Cait Sith: Come on Barret! (Pushes him out)
Red XIII: Dav quick! Turn on the system!
Dav: (Turns it on)
Cait Sith: (Knocks on Cloud/Tifa's door) Get out here you two!
Tifa: Ow! Hey! What are you doing?!
Cloud: Sorry. You've got my shoulder guard on!
Tifa: You're wearing my skirt!
Red XIII: Uh... shut it off.
Dav: Good idea. (Turns it off)
(Five minutes later everyone is outside the Highwind)
Vegeta: Damn! Vincent's already done a bunch of damage.
Cloud: Be careful, there could be Pokémon anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! (Gets zapped by a lightning bolt)
Pikachu: Pikachu!
Tifa: Oh f**k!!! It's Pikachu!
Barret: Not for long! (Blow's Pikachu's @$$ away)
Pikachu: Piiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuu!!! (Dies)
Vegeta: Well that was easy.
Aeris: Wait, here comes another one!
Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting! (Thinks) Now that's my kind of transport.
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
Dav: I'll handle this one. (Punches Jigglypuff and his fist gets stuck) OH F**K! It's sucking me in!
Cait Sith: Didn't you use that line in Celebrity Deathmatch 3!
Dav: How would anyone know?! No one's read Celebrity Deathmatch 3 yet!
Cid: He's right.
Dav: (Sees a shard of glass next to his foot) Here we go! (Picks it up with his free hand and jabs Jigglypuff)
Jigglypuff: (Pops)
Dav: That takes care of her!
Barret: That was coo' foo'.
Cloud: We'd better find Vincent.
(In another part of the city)
Vincent: I am CHAOS! I am your worst nightmare!
A bunch of Pokémon: (Rush in)
Vincent: Don't make me laugh! SATAN SLAM! (Instantly kills the Pokémon) I will destroy this gay city!
Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Cloud: Hey Vince!
Vincent: Huh? Oh it's you. (Reverts back into a human) You missed most of the party.
Cait Sith: Yeah, we noticed.
Dav: And we took care of the two worst for you.
Vegeta: I thought you were working on destroying Hyrule?
Aeris: Did you finish already?
Vincent: That dips**t Link kicked me out of there before I could inflict any serious damage!
Cid: Whatever happened to that fairy boy anyway?
(To answer Cid's question)
(In Zora's Domain)
Ruto: (Chasing Link) Come here! I'm going to catch you and then you'll marry me!
Link: Damn! Not even the Triforce of Courage could prepare me for this! Zelda where are you?!
(In Zora's Fountain)
Zelda (Wrapped in chains on Lord Jabu-Jabu's altar): Does this answer your question?!
Jabu-Jabu: (Surfaces) Ah! Lunch! The Zoras are doing well! (Inhales Zelda)
Zelda: I regret nothing! (Gets eaten alive)
(Back to AVALANCHE)
Barret: Anyway foo', what da hell were you doin' for the past two weeks?
Vincent: After Link managed to kick me out of Hyrule...
(Vincent tells the story of how he ended up in Saffron City.)
(Meanwhile)
Serena: You wished to see me oh great leader?
Leader: (Sitting in a chair with its back turned to Serena) Yes, I want you to go to Saffron and destroy the AVALANCHE
team.
Serena: But Mistress, your orders were to only prevent then if they hindered your plans to conquer the world.
Leader: No "buts" Serena! Take the girls and go! Stopping them now will prevent them anyway and I'll also have my
revenge!
Serena: Yes Mistress... (Walks out)
Leader: Soon they will all pay... And once I have discovered the correct experiment then I will rule the world!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... (Breathes) hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
(In the next room)
Serena: Come on girls, we've got a mission to fulfill for the mistress.
Amy: Oh come on! I'm in the middle of a really good chapter!
Mina: Yeah, Lita and I were discussing who's cuter. Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.
Author's Note: Dirty b***h!!!
Lita: Did you hear something?
Raye: No.
Serena: Will you get off your lazy @$$es and come with me?!
Girls: Fine...
Serena: Good. MOON PRISM POWER!!!
Amy: MERCURY STAR POWER!!!
(And so on... each girl goes through a two-hour transformation and turns into their designated Scout)
Sailor Moon: Ready?
Scouts: Yes.
Sailor Moon: Then let's go!
Scouts: Damn! Again? Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or something?!
Sailor Moon: All of you have been reading too many fanfics by Dyne and Dave!
Dyne: Damn right!
Sailor Moon: Now come on! (They fly out)
Sailor Mars: Hey! Let's sing on the way there.
Sailor Jupiter: How about you shove it?!
Sailor Mars: Fine, the song is for later anyway.
(The Sailor Scouts fly on to Saffron City where AVALANCHE is still talking)
Cloud: So you started in Hyrule, attacked the Mushroom Kingdom, then you destroyed the Great Fox and finished up
here?
Vincent: Yep.
Tifa: Wow good job.
Cait Sith: It took you two hours to figure it all out Cloud. That's a record.
Cloud: Shut up!
Vincent: You should've heard Mario and Luigi scream for their lives with those stupid @$$ Italian accents.
Cait Sith: Uh oh... Guys! I'm picking up something headed this way, FAST!
Cid: The hell is this?
Red XIII: Since when did you have built-in radar?
Cait Sith: I always did, you just never asked.
Sailor Moon: There they are! Down there!
Dav: Don't look now guys, it's meatball head!
Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice!
Cid/Barret/Cait/Dav/Red: (Sounding bored) You told us already!
Sailor Moon: I know. I was telling them. (Points to Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta, and Aeris)
Sailor Venus: Um... Sailor Moon? Can we do our lines now?
Sailor Moon (Sounding pissed): Fine. Go ahead.
Sailor Venus: By the power of Venus! I am Sailor Venus!
Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars! I am Sailor Mars!
Sailor Jupiter: Through the strength of Jupiter! I am Sailor Jupiter!
Sailor Mercury: Guided by the wisdom of Mercury! I am Sailor Mercury!
Dav: And pretty damn hot too!
AVALANCHE: DAV!!!
Dav: Sorry...
Sailor Mercury: (Thinking) He's not so bad either.
Cloud: Ha! While they were doing those crappy lines they didn't even notice we got all of our weapons out!
Sailor Scouts: We are the Sailor Scouts! The true Champions of Justice!
Dav: Well I'm the champion of my JUSTICE-SLASH!!! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)
Sailor Moon: (Somehow surviving) Um...ow. Attack! (The scouts split up)
Dav: (Completely shocked) She survived?! But how?!!!!!!
Cait Sith: Uh... Vegeta? Do you have your scouters with you?
Vegeta: Yeah. (Puts 'em on) Holy s**t! These school girls have power levels of 5000!
Barret: Who cares?! We gonna kick @$$ like we always do! (Opens fire)
Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE BUBBLES BLAST!!! (Freezes Barret)
Barret: Sh't!
Sailor Moon: (Recovered) Now to finish him! (Starts waving her Moon Wand)
Cid: I don't think so b***h! (Steals the wand and shoves his cigarette up Sailor Moon's nose)
Sailor Moon: Ow! Crap! (Tries to get the cigarette out)
Cid: (Throws the wand and hits Sailor Moon again)
Sailor Moon: (Falls into unconsciousness)
Tifa: Eat this b***h! (Uppercuts Sailor Mars in the jaw)
Sailor Mars: AAAAHHHH!!! You'll regret that! MARS FIRE IGNITE!!!
Tifa: (Dodges and the fire thaws Barret)
Sailor Mars: Ah crap! (Continues fighting Tifa)
Sailor Venus: (Fighting Cait Sith and Vincent) Sailor V is for Victory!
Cait Sith: (Speaking like Darth Vader) Well I am the Sith! Cait Sith! Get her, moogle!
Moogle: (Hops toward Sailor Venus)
Sailor Venus: VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH!!! (Blows the moogle away)
Cait Sith: My moogle! You destroyed my moogle!!! EAT THIS!!! (Tosses her one of Vincent's tarts)
Sailor Venus: Oh thank you, I was getting hungry. (Eats it) Blech!!! (Ralphs) That was terrible!
Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!!! (Turns into Hellsmasker and chases Sailor Venus around while laughing
maniacally)
Sailor Venus: I know I've always wanted a man to chase after me but this is too much!
Aeris: (Fighting Sailor Jupiter with Vegeta and Red XIII) DIE! (Whacks Sailor Jupiter in the stomach with her staff)
Sailor Jupiter: (Bends over holding her stomach)
Red XIII: (Looks up Sailor Jupiter's skirt and sniffs her @$$)
Vegeta: Red! That's disgusting!
Red XIII: Sorry, it's the dog in me...
Cloud: (Taking on Sailor Mercury with Dav) Ready Dav?
Dav: I don't know about this Cloud.
Cloud: Don't go ga-ga over the enemy Dav!
Dav: Hey you do it all the time!
Cloud: Well yeah but...
Sailor Mercury: Ha! (Kicks Cloud in the nuts and punches Dav in the stomach)
Cloud (High-pitched voice): AH! Maximum suckage!
Dav: (Thinking) Not bad...
Cid: Die b***h! (About to run his spear through Sailor Moon's head when a rose comes flying out of nowhere, hits him
and knocks him across the city.)
Cid: F**k! That's a pretty f**kin' powerful rose!
Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) We must withdrawal! (Picks Sailor Moon up and disappears)
Sailor Mars (Getting the s**t beaten out of her by Tifa): Good idea! (Trips Tifa and flies away)
Sailor Jupiter: Next time you won't be so lucky! (Flies away)
Sailor Venus: This is only the beginning! (Flies away right before Vincent is about to cut her in half)
Sailor Mercury: (Knocks Cloud and Dav over again) I'll see you later! (Looks toward Dav and flies away)
Cloud: Ha! We won!
Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Dav: (Thinking) Yeah, but why couldn't I attack her?
Barret: Come on foo's! We'd bettah get back to Midgar an' plan a strategy!
Aeris: Woah! Barret actually thinking before a fight?! That's a new one.
(They board the Highwind and leave Saffron City still smoking)
(Meanwhile the scouts are talking on the way back to their base.)
Sailor Venus: It was really too bad that we have to fight some really good looking guys.
Sailor Mercury: Well I don't care if you three start chasing any of 'em... but Dav is mine! Oops...
Scouts: HUH?!
Sailor Mars: This is something new. We've never seen Sailor Mercury chase after any guy before.
Sailor Mercury: (Blushes) Uh... well... I think he likes me...
Scouts: We're in trouble!
Sailor Jupiter: Well if you ever get distracted by him in battle then you'll have to confront the Mistress.
Sailor Mercury: Oh... poopy.
(At the AVALANCHE Hq.)
Steel: Well that takes care of the mopping. How about a game of Goldeneye, Spanky? Steve's guarding the bar and
what's left of the drinks.
Spanky: All right. Time I practiced some head shots! (They go downstairs and see Steve on the computer)
Steve: Babes!
Steel: Oh crap! If Steve's down here then Cait's Friend is...
Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on another drinking rampage)
Steel/Spanky: F**K!!! (Head upstairs to see that the rest of the drinks are gone)
Spanky: This is just perfect! Tifa's going to kill us!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Reno: (Runs in) Hey! You didn't leave me any!
Steel: (Kicks Reno out again) We'd better get busy and get rid of these bottles before- (Hears the Highwind land and the
team enters)
Spanky: We're screwed!!!
Tifa: Damn right you %^&%^(&*)$^(%&)^&*#%&)&_($^&)&^*$%*$%^&$%*$%^&$^*$%^&!!!!!!!!!
Red XIII: Damn, Tifa pulled a Cid!
Barret: Come on foo's! We're startin' the meetin'!
(Everyone but Steel and Spanky head downstairs)
(Back at the Sailor Scouts' base they've all reverted to their normal form and Serena has regained consciousness)
Serena: So Amy, I hear you like one of the enemy.
Amy: It's not true!
Raye: Haven't you ever heard about that river in Egypt? De Nile?
Amy: You've used that line before!
Lita: Well if we're going to defeat them next time we'll need some help.
Mina: You mean the others?
Serena: Lita's right, I'll call 'em now. (Walks over to the phone)
(Back at the AVALANCHE Hq.)
Vegeta: If we're going to kick these school girls' @$$es we have to analyze their powers and figure out how we can use
it them to our advantage.
Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
Vegeta: Quiet, you!
Red XIII: I agree with Vegeta, these definitely aren't ordinary school girls.
Dav: Well Mike said that their leader is a b***h, but meatball head isn't their top leader, then someone else must've
taken over.
Cloud: And Mr. Cole here needs to keep his mind on the battle and not on Sailor Mercury!
Dav: Shut up! It's over and done with! She's completely out of my mind now!
Cid: See that it stays that way!
Aeris: Leave him alone Cid! He's just like we all were at his age!
Dav: Thank you.
Cait Sith: Now we'd better get a little help for this.
Cloud: Good idea. (Takes out his PHS and makes a call)
Vegeta: I'll be right back with Kakaraught. He might be able to help. (Flies out)
Tifa: I wish he wouldn't fly through the wall.
Barret: You guys think we could get dat foo' Link back here?
Vincent: Probably not. The last time I saw him that nude fish lady was chasing him.
Red XIII: Poor guy.
Cid: Damn that's evil. Hey! I used my own line!
All: No s**t Sherlock!
Steel: (Comes downstairs) I can fight, and I never get to in these fics.
Spanky: (Comes downstairs) Yeah, I've never got to fight either.
Cait Sith: You only appeared in Dyne's last fic!
Spanky: Well... I've still never fought.
Dav: All right, you guys can come.
Steve: Babes!
Dav: Not you!
Steve: Babes...
Aeris: Two of us have to stay to watch Steve and Cait's Friend.
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Cloud: (Hangs up) I just talked to Fei and Bart, they're on their way.
Tifa: Good, we need all the help we can get since we cut that last battle really close.
Cid: Damn right! I couldn't breathe after I shoved my cigarette up the b***he's nose! And I didn't have time to light
another one!
Red XIII: But our main problem is when and where we're going to meet them again.
Cait Sith: Try saying that five times fast.
(Vegeta and Goku come crashing through the ceiling)
Goku: We are here!
Tifa (Extremely pissed): EEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! You bastards had better repair my bar before I rip your d**ks
off and shove 'em up YOUR noses!
Vegeta: Yes ma'am. Come on Kakaraught!
(They repair the damage instantly)
Vincent: By the way, did anyone volunteer to stay with Steve and Cait's Friend?
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
Cait Sith: I'll stay, he is my friend after all.
Dav: I'll remain here as well, I don't want to mess up the battle for you guys again.
Everyone: (Completely shocked that Dav doesn't want to fight)
(Back at the Scouts' base they've all powered-up and are awaiting orders)
Sailor Moon: What are our new orders, Mistress?
Leader: I want you to attack Midgar, that is where their hideout is.
Sailor Saturn: But Mistress, the Shinra army may attack us as well.
Sailor Mercury: It would be pretty tough for any one of us to destroy a whole army.
Leader: I have already anticipated that. Take this with you! (Tosses Sailor Moon a package) If the Shinra attacks drop
this in
front of them, it will kill them instantly!
Sailor Pluto: Shouldn't we use it against AVALANCHE?
Leader: No, they're all immune to it, I've tried it already.
Sailor Moon: Fine then, let's go girls!
Sailor Uranus: Oh come on! Sailor Neptune and I were just getting started!
Sailor Neptune: Yeah, we never get to have any fun!
Leader: Get out of here you f**king lesbos! You're as bad as the Gerudos were! (They leave)
Leader: (Thinking) After tracing AVALANCHE for weeks I was able to watch what all of them have done. And now it has
become their weakness.
(The Sailor Scouts fly away again and soon reach Midgar. They commence their attack.)
(In the Shinra building)
Heidegger: Gya ha ha! Mr. President, we're under attack! Gya ha ha!
Rufus: Heidegger if you don't stop that f**kin' horse laugh I'll take a shot up your @$$!
Scarlet: Kya ha ha! Do it to me Mr. President, that turns me on! Kya ha ha!
Palmer: Get shot and then I can have your lard! Yummy yummy lard!
Rufus: I'm surrounded by @$$holes!
Author's Note: He just noticed that, people.
Rufus: But anyway who's attacking?
Heidegger: Some flying schoolgirls in mini-skirts sir! They're extremely powerful!
Scarlet/Palmer: No s**t Sherlock!
Rufus: Dispatch the troops!
Tseng: Should we go along as well sir?
Elena: I don't know about this Tseng.
Rude: Elena, don't act so weak.
Heidegger: Go and stop them at once!
Rufus: And see if you can bring any of 'em back with you. (Laughs lustfully and notices everyone staring at him) WHAT?!
(Back at the hideout)
Barret: Now we jes wait for da' b***hes to strike!
Cloud: That's the problem, we don't know- (TV turns on by itself and Mike appears)
AVALANCHE: Mike?!
Mike: Whew... am I glad I was able to get you guys again.
Steel: I don't know, are you glad?
Mike: Very funny. Anyway, the Sailor Scouts are attacking Midgar!
Steel: And how would you know?
Mike: I tapped into their leader's communications and overheard their plans, they might be there already! (Ends
communication)
Spanky: That pansy didn't tell us who the leader is!
Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.
All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or something?!
Cloud: Move out! Are ya happy now?!
Dav: Hey Steel.
Steel: What?
Dav: Hurt meatball head for me.
Steel: Can do.
(They mosey out of there)
(And back to the Scouts)
Sailor Moon: All right girls, we've got troops coming in at 3 o'clock!
Sailor Venus: Great! Then we can relax for an hour!
Sailor Moon: I mean they're coming at us from the right!
Sailor Jupiter: There's a bunch of 'em!
Tseng: There they are men! Open fire!
Troops: Yes sir! (They, of course, open fire)
Sailor Moon: You can't defeat us! I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Just- (Gets pushed over by Sailor Mars)
Sailor Mars: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!
Sailor Moon: Well it's necessary that I deliver all of my lines!
Sailor Pluto: Just throw the package at 'em!
Sailor Moon: Hey! I'm the commander here!
Sailor Mars: Give me that you b***h! (Grabs the package) Eat this you turkeys! (Throws the package at the troops)
Package: (Opens itself up and reveals a mime)
Troops: Oh f**k! A mime!!! (Runs for their lives and sanity)
Mime: (Chases them to the Midgar swamp where the Zoloms kill everyone, including the mime)
Sailor Mercury: That IS a pretty scary attack.
(AVALANCHE runs in)
Cloud: Charge!
Cid: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "attack the f**king b***hes" or something?!
Cloud: Shaddup Cid!
Sailor Saturn: They're here!
Sailor Moon: Now once again you fight the Champions of Justice!
Steel: How about this?! Through fire Justice is served! Flare! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)
Sailor Moon: Ah! S**t! Not again! (Rolls around on the ground trying to extinguish the flames)
Goku: It must be embarrassing that the worst member of the group is the title character.
Scouts: It is!
Sailor Moon: (Gets up) Now I will right wrongs and punish stupid pieces of trash like you!
Sailor Mars: Um... Sailor Moon! Can I have a word with you?
Sailor Moon: Sailor Mars, I'm kind of busy here!
Sailor Jupiter: We're supposed to fight as one, remember?!
Sailor Moon: I am one! Eeeeeeerrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!
Sailor Venus: Being second-in-command's gone to your head!
Sailor Neptune: Prima donna!
Sailor Mercury: Shouldn't we discuss this after we take care of them?
Sailor Uranus: No way! I think we're getting tired of this!
Sailor Moon: You can't do this to me! This is mutiny!
Sailor Saturn: All of us are sick of being commanded by a dingbat!
Sailor Moon: Dingbat huh!? A hothead who burns people's feet off is better-
Sailor Scouts: (Keep arguing on and on)
AVALANCHE: (Doesn't attack since they're laughing their heads off)
Moonlight Knight: (Appears) Sailor Scouts! Your enemy is this group of pussies right here, not each other!
Sailor Mars: It's the Moonlight Knight!
Sailor Moon: No s**t Sherlock!
Moonlight Knight: I am at your service.
Sailor Jupiter: Cool! Let's go!
(Once again the teams split and a huge battle ensues)
Tifa: (Once again fighting Sailor Mars but this time with Spanky) This time you die b***h!
Sailor Mars: Yeah right, I've been ready for this all my life!
Spanky: You mean this right?! (Gives her a huge wedgie)
Sailor Mars: Hey! No fair!
Spanky: Enjoy being constipated for a week! She's all yours Tifa! (Looks for another target)
Sailor Mars: Oh poopy...
Tifa: That's definitely something you won't do for a while.
Sailor Jupiter: (Fighting Vegeta) JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!!!
Vegeta: (Deflects the lightning bolt) Weak b***h! Die! (Blows her across the sector)
Ha! The Saiyin prevail again!
Goku: Speak for yourself Vegeta! Kao Cannon times............ 500!!! (Let's it loose)
Sailor Saturn: SILENCE WALL!!! (Blocks the blast)
Goku: Ah crap!
Cid: Saiyin pussy! (Shoves his spear up Sailor Saturn's @$$)
Sailor Saturn: Ah s**t! My @$$! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!
Scouts: (Completely shocked at Sailor Saturn's language)
Cloud: (Fighting Sailor Mercury again) This time Dav's not here to distract this!
Sailor Mercury: I'd worry more about yourself! My most lethal weapon is my brain!
Cloud: HA! OMNI-
Sailor Mercury: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!!! (Freezes Cloud and moves on)
Cloud: slash..? POOPY!
Sailor Venus: Time to begin where I left off!
Vincent: Good idea! For I am CHAOS!!! (Transforms)
Sailor Venus: Uh oh... (Runs like hell)
Vincent: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! (Chases Sailor Venus around again)
Barret: (Sees Cloud frozen) You foo' Cloud!
Cloud: Why don't you shut the hell up and get me outta here!
Steel: Here you go Cloud. Fire! (Thaws Cloud)
Sailor Uranus: Ha! Got all three of you!
Barret: Tough s**t b***h! (Holds up his gun-arm)
Sailor Uranus: AH! (Holds up her arms as if to block)
Barret: (Shoots out a large flag with "BANG!" printed on it)
Sailor Uranus: (Lowers her arms) Huh?!
Barret: Foo'd you! (Punches her across the road)
Steel: Pretty nasty left hook there Barret.
Sailor Pluto: (Fighting Aeris) I can wield a better staff than you any day!
Aeris: No teenage prostitute has the power to match an Ancient!
Sailor Pluto: Yeah, Ancient b***h!
Tifa: (Knocks Sailor Mars down) Hey! Only I can call her that, whore! (Performs her chain of Limit Breaks on Sailor Pluto)
Sailor Pluto: (Gets blown across Midgar)
Spanky: Tifa's attack had the most power so far.
Sailor Neptune: Time for the tide to turn! DEEP SUBMERGE!!! (Forms a tidal wave)
Red XIII: Yes! I've wanted to try this new Limit Break! FARTICATOR!!! (Lets out his biggest fart ever and turns the tidal
wave around)
Sailor Neptune: Oh... crud. (Gets knocked out)
Moonlight Knight: I, the Moonlight Knight, have vowed never to let anyone destroy the earth's eternal song!
Barret: 'Dat so?!
Cloud: Earmuff alert!
AVALANCHE: (Puts earmuffs on)
Barret: (Starts singing) Y-M-C-A!
Moonlight Knight: Oh s**t! How can one sing so badly! I can't take it anymore! (Runs away)
Barret: (Stops singing)
AVALANCHE: (Takes the earmuffs off)
Sailor Moon: Time for someone to do something right around here! (Another rose falls)
Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) Sailor Mercury! Freeze them all!
Sailor Moon: Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga... (Stares at Tuxedo Mask)
Sailor Mercury: Good idea!
AVALANCHE: Oh f**k!
Sailor Mercury: DOUBLE MERCURY ICE STORM BLaaaaaaaahhhh!!! (Gets kicked in the back and knocked over)
Fei: We are here Cloud!
Bart: Too bad, we missed most of the fun.
Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Venus! Use your power!
Sailor Venus: (Jumps away from Vincent) VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN ENCIRCLE!!! (Hits Cid with it)
Cid: D-uh...
Tifa: CID!!!
Tuxedo Mask: Now we must withdrawal! (Disappears)
Sailor Moon: D-uh... okay. (Flies away)
Goku: Isn't that something you do in a bank?
Vegeta: He means "run away" Kakaraught!
Sailor Venus: Ha! If you want him back come to our base! (Flies away with Cid)
Sailor Mercury: (Gets up) We'll pay you back! (Takes off)
Bart: (Cracks his whip, wraps it around Sailor Mercury's ankles, and pulls her down) Tough luck b***h!
Sailor Mercury: Ahhh! Rats... (Gets knocked out on impact)
Sailor Mars: They've got Sailor Mercury!
Sailor Jupiter: So? We've got one of theirs! Let's get out of here for now! (They fly away)
Sailor Pluto: (Finally arrives back at Sector 7) Ohhhh... I wanted to rip them out of time!
Sailor Saturn: You'll get that chance later! Let's go! (They fly away)
Sailor Uranus: All right, when we get back we'll have some fun!
Sailor Neptune: Hell yeah! (They fly away)
Barret: Awright! We win again!
Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)
Aeris: But what are we going to do? They took Cid!
Fei: That's okay, we have one of theirs as well. (Gestures at Sailor Mercury)
Bart: And besides, do we care that they took Cid?
Spanky: Not really.
Cloud: Let's get back to the hideout.
Everyone: (Expects to hear Cid make on of his "Damn! Again?!" comments)
Steel: Looks like this is going to take a while to get used to.
Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock.
(Back at the hideout Dav and Cait Sith are playing Poker)
Dav: I'll call your bet and raise you... 100 gil.
Cait Sith: All right, give me three cards.
Dav: (Gives him the cards) One for the dealer.
Cait Sith: Ha! I've got a full house!
Dav: Too bad. Feel the power of my... ROYAL FLUSH!
Cait Sith: Oh poopy...
Dav: Another game?
Cait Sith: Naw, we'd better see what those two clowns upstairs are up to.
(They head upstairs)
Cait's Friend: (Licking up the few remaining puddles of tequila) Tequila man!
Steve: (Reading a porno mag) Babes!
Dav: Everything's normal up here.
Bob: (Flies in) There you are! (Points at Steve)
Steve: Babes!
Cait/Dav: Who the hell are you?!
Bob: I am BOB! The Son of Sephiroth! (Points at Steve again) And he stole my porno mag.
Steve: Babes!
Cait Sith: Bob huh? Let me think... Yeah, I remember you!
Author's Note: Bob first appears in Cait's Insanity 1+1 by Cait Sith.
Dav: The SON of Sephiroth? Where is old mako-for-brains anyway?
Bob: Well dad suddenly had a desire to conquer Hawaii and rule it with an iron fist so that's what he's doing now.
Cait Sith: Well you tell him that he's made a big mistake!
Bob: What do you mean?
Dav: By having you as a son! (Kicks Bob out of the bar)
(In Hawaii)
Sephiroth: I am Sephiroth! You will all bow down before me!
Everybody: (Not even paying attention)
Sephiroth: (Whining) Oh come on! Bow down! Pretty please... Fine then, I'll conquer Wyoming instead.
An old lady: Say! Aren't you the Sephiroth who wanted to destroy the world with METEOR?
Sephiroth: Yeah, why?
Old lady: Because since then I've always wanted to do THIS! (Kicks him in the nuts)
Sephiroth (High-pitched voice): AAAAHHHHH!!! My twinkies!
Old lady: Hey everyone! Let's get the weird bastard!
Crowd: YEAH!!!
Sephiroth: Oh crud... (Starts to run away, trips over a root, slams head-first into a palm tree, gets hit on the head by
several falling coconuts, thrown into the ocean by the crowd, stung by jellyfish and bitten by sharks, thrown across the
island by a forming tidal wave, and lands in a volcano.)
Volcano: (Explodes and throws Sephiroth off the earth and propels him toward the sun.)
Sephiroth: S***************************T!!!! (Gets turned into crispy crunchies)
(Back at the hideout the fighting team has just returned)
Cait Sith: So how was it?
Vegeta: It sucked, I didn't get to blow any of 'em into another dimension!
Aeris: Don't worry Vegeta, I'll make it better.
Vegeta: Hell yeah!
Red XIII: Other than that they got Cid.
Dav: Well that's a maximum suckage!
Cloud: The good news is we got one of them also.
Cait/Dav: Who?!
Bart: This one. (Pushes Sailor Mercury in)
Sailor Mercury: (With her hands tied behind her back) Hey!
Dav: (Turns veeeeeeeery pale)
Fei: Get in there! (Pushes her into a closet)
Goku: So what are we going to do with her?
Cloud: Well first I'm going to find out where their base is.
Cait Sith: Thank you Captain Obvious.
Tifa: Then afterwards?
Vincent: Can I cut her in two with my chainsaw?
Barret: If she don't help us get Cid outta da b***hes base you can kill her Vince.
Cloud: I'll be back. (Opens the closet and pushes Sailor Mercury over to a nearby abandoned warehouse.)
Steel: While we wait for Cloud how about a game of Smash Bros.?
Spanky: Good idea. You coming Vegeta?
Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Just a minute. (Shoves it back in)
Goku: I'll play for him.
Steel: Sweet! Now where's Dav?
Dav: (Has slipped out unnoticed)
Spanky: He'll turn up somewhere.
Fei: Let me try the game. Come on Bart, I'll need a coach.
Bart: In a minute will ya! (Cracks his whip) Back! You're not getting my case of "Bartweiser"!
Cait's Friend: Tequila man!
(In the warehouse)
Algus: Where is the Marquis?!
Gustav: ...
Algus: (Kicks him in the face) Talk you bastard!
Delita: Enough, Algus!
Ramza: He's a human just like us!
Algus: Anyone who sinks this low is a piece of trash! Where's the Marquis?! (Punches Gustav) TALK!!!
Gustav: "Sand Rat Cellar." Now just remember that we're only taking back what you stole from us!
Algus: Bastard! Don't talk s**t to me!
Delita: Algus!
Ramza: "Sand Rat Cellar?" That's in the Zeklaus Desert.
Cloud: (Walks in) No s**t Sherlock! Now get out of here, you've got the info you need! It's my turn to interrogate
someone!
Ramza: Hey Cloud, where'd you get a hot chick like that?
Cloud: OUT! Before I tell Dav where you are!
Delita: I'm going I'm going! (Runs out)
Ramza: Delita you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my family! (Runs after him)
Algus: Idiots! (Walks out dragging Gustav behind him)
Cloud: (Pushes Sailor Mercury onto the floor) Now, where's Cid!?
Sailor Mercury: Go bleach your roots, creep!
Cloud: (Backhands her) Where's Cid! Talk b***h!
Dav: (Is crouched on a ceiling beam, watching, waiting)
Sailor Mercury: I don't know any Cids!
Cloud: (Backhands her again) The Cid who your b***h friend took! Now where are they?!
Dav: (Is getting pissed)
Sailor Mercury: They're at our base where our leader will take care of him!
Cloud: Now where's your base?!
Sailor Mercury: ...
Cloud: WHERE'S YOUR BASE YOU WHORE!!!? (Punches her)
Dav: (Getting angrier)
Sailor Mercury: It's on this planet!
Cloud: Where on this planet!? (Kicks her in the stomach)
Sailor Mercury: (Has the wind knocked out of her)
Cloud: WHERE ON THIS PLANET!!!? (Picks her up by her hair and punches her again)
Dav: (Getting angrier)
Sailor Mercury: On land!
Cloud: GIVE ME THE EXACT LOCATION!!! (Rams his shoulder guard into her face and lets her fall)
Dav: (Extremely pissed)
Sailor Mercury: (Bleeding in several places on her face and has tears in her eyes) It's on an island south of Hyrule...
Cloud: About f**king time! Now, who's your leader?! Tell me b***h!
Sailor Mercury: ...
Cloud: WHO'S YOUR LEADER!!!? (Kicks her in the face)
Sailor Mercury: Her name is-
Dav: (Jumps down and kicks Cloud from behind)
Cloud: Dav! What the f**king hell are you doing!?
Dav: Something I thought I'd never do before now! (Puts Cloud in a hammerlock)
Cloud: Ah s**t! My beating arm!
Dav: (Picks up a rock and hits Cloud on the head)
Cloud: (Is knocked unconscious)
Sailor Mercury: Dav? Why are YOU helping me?
Dav: (Unties her hands) Because I can.
Sailor Mercury: That's not it.
Dav: I have my reasons. Now come on let's get out of here!
Sailor Mercury: I appreciate your concern but I can barely walk. (Takes a few steps and collapses) And even if you could
get me out of here you'd never be able to protect me.
Dav: I'll protect you.
Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him)
Dav: You have my word. (Thinks) Locke this is exactly how you got started!
Sailor Mercury: But we're trapped in here, if we use the main entrance your friends will see us.
Dav: Not a problem. (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts a hole in the back wall) Can you fly right now?
Sailor Mercury: I doubt it, it took all of my strength to stand that beating.
Dav: I thought as much. I know of a refuge where you can recover. Come on, lean on me and we'll get out of here.
(They quickly make their way to the Sector 7 train station where Dav has his gold chocobo, Jessika, waiting)
Sailor Mercury: Oh! What's that?
Dav: This is my gold chocobo. Say "hello", Jessika.
Jessika: Wark!
Dav: Look at that, she likes you. (Climbs on) Get on behind me.
Sailor Mercury: A-alright. (Climbs on)
Dav: Let's go to Round Island, Jessika!
Jessika: Wark! (Starts running)
Dav: I never get tired of this!
Sailor Mercury: Woah! (Hangs onto Dav)
(They quickly leave Midgar and head for the ocean)
Sailor Mercury: (Gasps) You're headed straight for the water!
Dav: I know, watch.
Jessika: (Starts running on the water)
Dav: (Feels himself getting squeezed tighter) I take it this is your first time on a chocobo?
Sailor Mercury: Just please don't drop me!
(Dav and Sailor Mercury head for Round Island in order for Sailor Mercury to rest)
(At the Scouts' base)
Serena: Good news Mistress! We managed to capture one from the AVALANCHE team!
Leader: Who is it?
Serena: He says his name is "Cid Highwind and that b***hes like us should go back to hell where we f**king belong!"
Leader: Yeah that's Cid alright. Bring him in here!
Serena: Bring him in here girls!
Mina: How do you ask?
Lita: Slave driver!
Serena: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! Would you please bring the prisoner in here?
Mina: That's better.
Susan/Heather: (Push Cid into the leader's chamber)
Cid: So you're the top b***h?! What the hell do you f**king want with me?!
Leader: You don't recognize me. Do you Cid?
Cid: Shera? Is that you?!
Leader EEEERRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! NO I AM NOT SHERA YOU OLD BASTARD!!!
Cid: (Thinking) Whew, a reprieve. (Speaks) Then who the f**king hell are you?!
Leader: I'll show you. (Turns her chair around to reveal...)
Cid: YUFFIE?!!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie: 'Bout time old man. It was I who took over the Sailor Scouts and it is I who is going to take over the world with
bad fanfics!
Cid: (Is so shocked he can't cuss)
Yuffie: Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahah-
Serena: Uh... Mistress?
Yuffie: What is it Serena?!
Serena: It's time for the intermission, you don't say that line until part two.
Yuffie: Oh...
And so it is revealed that Yuffie was somehow resurrected after Dav killed her last time. And Dav has betrayed his
friends to help the enemy! And poor Cid! Shocked so much not to be able to cuss! The conclusion to AVALANCHE vs.
Sailor Moon after this brief intermission.
~Intermission~
(On the Satellite of Love)
MIKE: Oh! We're on!
CROW: Not yet Mike, the theme song!
MIKE: Sorry.
In the not too distant future,
Somewhere in time and space.
Mike Nelson and his robot friends
Are caught in an endless chase.
Pursued by a woman who's name is Yuffie,
An evil gal who wants to rule the world.
She threw a few things in her purse
And in a rocket ship she hunts them all across the universe
"I'll send them cheesy fanfics,
The worst I can find (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And I'll monitor his mind (la la la)"
Now keep in mind Mike can't control When the fanfics begin or end (la la la).
He'll try and keep his sanity By the help of his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call!
Cambot.
Gypsy.
Tom Servo.
Crow!
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself, "Its just a show, I should really just relax."
For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000!
MIKE: Yep we're still stuck up here.
TOM SERVO: Hey Mike did you ever notice that our new uh... what's the word I'm looking for?
MIKE/CROW: D**kweed manipulator?
TOM SERVO: Right, did you ever notice that she's even crazier than Dr. Forrester?
CROW: Well it was never in any script that she takes over after he disappears.
GYPSY: Hey guys, Yuffie's calling.
ALL: Damn!
YUFFIE: Good morning my moronic knuckleheads.
TOM SERVO: Then again she doesn't sound too much different than Forrester.
YUFFIE: Quiet you! Today I've found an extra interesting fanfic for you all, this one will help me extract my revenge on
AVALANCHE and that idiot thief who killed me last time!
DAV'S VOICE: That's TREASURE Hunter you bloody whore!!!
YUFFIE: EEeerrrrrgggghhhh!!! Send them the latest fanfic!
SERENA: (Flips the switch)
YUFFIE: This one is called My Electronics Class and Cait Sith, enjoy!
(Red alarm sounds.)
MIKE: Ooohh, we got fanfic sign, let's go.
They stumble into the theatre.
My Electronics Class and Cait Sith
TOM SERVO: Why can't it be Our Electronics Class and Cait Sith, I'm sure they'd love to study any sophisticated robot
like us right Crow?
CROW: Never know.
By Jim
MIKE: That's a real original name.
TOM SERVO: It could be Jimbo.
MIKE: You mean from Simpsons?
TOM SERVO: No! Jimbo Bond!
~Science Teacher: OK today class we have a new student
MIKE: Please say it's not Kate Winslit!
CROW: No! It's Madonna!
ALL: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!
~(points at Cait Sith).
TOM SERVO: Whoop-dee s**t!
~Cait Sith: Yah, yah, yah. C'mon Lets cut this Garbage.
CROW: (Singing) Who can take your diapers?
TOM SERVO: (Singing) Clean 'em up for you!
MIKE: (Singing) The Garbage man!
ALL: (Singing) Oh the Garbage man can!
CROW: With profuse apologies to Matt Groening.
~Teacher: OK. (pulls out
TOM SERVO: Another copy of this fanfic!
CROW: Tetris Plus!
MIKE: A copy of this episode!
CROW/SERVO: HEY!
~a Golden pp7
MIKE: (James Bond) I protest, that's only on my game!
~and pulls trigger
CROW: Hello? End of sequence?
.
MIKE: It's the wily, elusive period!
CROW: Catch it! Catch it!
TOM SERVO: It's much more exciting than this.
~Cait Sith: (flies backwards in a shower of sparks)
TOM SERVO: Hey! That's cruelty to animals! I'll tell the SPCA on you!
CROW: About time some action came, I was falling asleep already.
MIKE: It's also about time that Cait took a shower.
~Class: COOL!
TOM SERVO: Tooooooo much to drink.
~Teacher: Just as I suspected
MIKE: (Holmes) I say Watson, we've got a bit of a tizzy on our hands.
~another one of those cheap
TOM SERVO: Cheap? You got that right!
~Japanese imitation robotic cats made in Uti.
TOM SERVO: (Cheesy announcer) Come to Uti for all your cheap imitation robotic cat needs!
CROW: (Cheesy announcer) Have your credit card ready and dial 1-800-UTI, that's 1-800-UTI!
~(puts back PP7 and takes out a screwdriver and a scalpel.)
MIKE: (Student) Hey professor, what else do you have in that coat?
~Student1
TOM SERVO: Whoever heard of a name like student 1!?
CROW: The author apparently.
~(with the voice of Ralph off the Simpsons):
TOM SERVO: Ah! Another reason to sue, no disclaimer for the Simpsons!
CROW: (DISCLAIMER) The Simpsons is copyrighted Groening Enterprises or whatever the company is called.
~He Ha! I wish my daddy were here.
MIKE: (Student1) Yeah, I wet my pants again!
TOM SERVO: (Student1's dad) I thought I told you to wear the rubber pants.
MIKE: (Student1) But daddy, those rubber pants are hot and Sidney keeps teasing me!
CROW: (Student 1)But I already took care of that!
MIKE: (Dad) How so?
CROW: (Student1) I hit him with my purse!
MIKE: Ha! Good one Crow.
~Teacher: (puts Cait Sith on lab table)
TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Please be quiet during the surgery, I don't want to accidentally kill the patient.
MIKE/CROW: He already did!
TOM SERVO: Poopie!
~Now we will insert the scalpel on the chest of this robot
MIKE: (The teacher singing) The little thing's connected to the... big thing. The big thing's connected to the... red thing!
Oops, there goes my watch!
~and peel back the synthetic fur that had even the AVALANCHE team fooled.
~Student2 (kicks moogle) What a wimpy stuffed animal
CROW: (Moogle) Just remember you little bastard I can uppercut you through the roof!
~Student4: Hey it reminds me of Barny whose just gone through the bleach machine!
TOM SERVO: (Sing to the Barney song) I hate you! You hate me, we're a typical American family!
MIKE: (Sings to a change of lyrics) With a big @$$ sword I stabbed him in the head! Now we know that Barney's dead!
~Teacher: Now that we have pulled back the synthetic cat fur we can now see the dermal
~heat generators and the endoskeletal structure.
TOM SERVO: What'd he say?
CROW: He thinks Cait's a endoheating gerbil.
~Student1: (picks up a screwdriver and rams it into a wire trailing out of Cait Sith )
~YAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOO! ( He yells while getting electrocuted)
MIKE: (Teacher) Hey can I try that?
~Student4:
CROW: Where's Student3?
~(Pulls out water gun
MIKE: (Student4) D-uh I wonder what happens if I pull the trigger while aiming at him?
~and starts spraying Cait Sith's wire as well as student1)
CROW: (Student4) Lookit all the pretty fireworks!
~Teacher: Stop it you two! Obviously you are having lots of fun but these cheap robots
~have been know to have a serious electrical output when in contact with water.
TOM SERVO: (Teacher looking at an elementary electronics book) Uh, at least I think that's what happens.
~(as if on cue Cait Sith begins convulsing and electrocuting student1, 2 , and 3.)
CROW: There's 3 but what about 4!
~Teacher: (calls peramedics) Yeah we have had a slight problem here. Three of my
~students just got zapped.
MIKE: (Paramedic) Listen sir if this happens one more time I 'm going to have your license revoked!
~Ok see ya soon. Bye.
TOM SERVO: (Teacher) Let's see, that's five times today, I guess that'll meet my quota for the week.
~<bell rings>
MIKE: I've never seen a programming code for "bell rings" have you guys?
CROW/SERVO: Nope!
THE DISPOSAL
CROW: Oooo, scary...
MIKE/SERVO: Bum bum bum!
~It has turned out that this particular teacher has a knack for seeking out androids and
~destroying them.
MIKE: (Teacher) Let's see, now I've taken care of Data, R2-D2, and Cait Sith. I guess 3P0 is next, then maybe Tom Servo
and Crow.
SERVO/CROW: HEY!!!
~After having a ball dissecting tehm
CROW: Tehms! The right way to relieve stomach pain!
~he has to find a way of disposing of them. The way he does it is to fist cut tehm
TOM SERVO: I guess this guy really likes tehms!
~ up with a chainsaw
MIKE: (Vincent) Ah ha ha ha!
~and then to run them through a mulcher.
TOM SERVO: Isn't that a guy who doesn't pay back loans?
MIKE/CROW: That's moocher!
~This is the most efficiant
MIKE: Efficant, the new computer game that really really sucks!
CROW: I thought it was a world on Earthbound.
~way of reducing them to small pieces other than incinerating them.
TOM SERVO: He then uses the pieces as the secret ingredient he puts in his kids' chocolate milk. Oh and Crow?
CROW: What?
TOM SERVO: I take back what I said about the title.
CROW: Thank you.
~As for the Moodel Mugel or whatever,
CROW: Moodel Mugle, isn't that some sort of Chinese food?
~he gave it to his son and his son put it on his bed where it has satyed ever since.
TOM SERVO: (Moogle) Hey! I'm still alive!
~...
MIKE: I guess that's it...
CROW: Good let's get outta here!
They leave.
MIKE: Well that one was a lot shorter and a lot easier.
GYPSY: Yuffie wants you guys again!
CAMBOT: (Puts Yuffie on-screen again)
YUFFIE: So how was this one?
TOM SERVO: Actually I thought this one was quite interesting due to the fact that it is one of your former allies who is
being slaughtered.
YUFFIE: I know, isn't it great?!
ALL: Uh... yeah.
MIKE: Anyway I think you'd better hope that Cait doesn't see this episode.
YUFFIE: And why is that?
SERENA: Uh Mistress, we're receiving a transmission.
YUFFIE: Fine, on screen.
MIKE: Hey Yuffie you've been reading too many bad Star Trek fanfics before you send 'em to us!
CROW: (Captain Kirk) Spock! Get that drivel out of your pants!
TOM SERVO: (Captain Picard) Captain's log... Parts of the ship are falling off and... nobody likes me.
YUFFIE: All right knock it off! Open the channel!
CAIT SITH: I saw this episode b***h! In part two of the fic you're dead!
YUFFIE: Oooo... I'm soooooo scared.
MIKE: Speaking of part two this intermission is over.
SERVO/CROW: Oh... poopie.
DYNE: Isn't it spelled p-o-o-p-y?
MIKE: Well that's the way WE spell it okay?!
DYNE: Sorry...
AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon: The Conclusion
By Dyne
(At the Sailor Scouts' base)
Yuffie: Now?
Girls: (Sounding bored) Yes...
Yuffie: It was I who took over-
Girls: (Still sounding bored) Wrong line...
Serena: Start with your next one.
Yuffie: Sor-ry! *Ahem* Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Girls/Cid: (Just stand there and yawn)
Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Cid: What makes you so damn sure!?
Yuffie: Once the threat of your friends and my former allies has been eliminated I will easily be able to discover the
correct fanfic to rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-
Serena: (Whispers to Cid) Looking for those bad fanfics made her mind snap a little.
Cid: (Whispers back) No s**t.
Yuffie: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Now, take him to the dungeon and subject him to the most horribly
painful sort of torture known to man!
Cid: F**k! Don't tell me you're going to have 'em strip!
Yuffie: Much worse. Take his cigarettes!
Cid: F******************************************************K!!!
(At the hideout. Steel, Spanky, Goku, and Fei are still playing Smash Bros.)
Spanky: (Playing as Luigi) I don't see why we couldn't have made it a team battle!
Steel: (As Kirby) This is Goku and Fei's first time, we had to make it a free-for-all.
Goku: (As Fox) And I suck! Getting blown off my own ship! (Gets shot off by an arwing) S**t! Falco I'm gonna blow your
@$$ to another dimension!
Fei: (As Ness) I love this! I'm really kicking some serious @$$! (Picks up a hammer and hits everyone off) Yee ha!
(Upstairs)
Tifa: Now you know why you shouldn't bring your own drinks in here, Bart.
Bart: (Shocked) He stole my "Bartweiser"..
Cait's Friend: (Chugging the last can) Tequila man!
Cait Sith: He's going to have a major hangover tomorrow.
Red XIII: No s**t Sherlock! He's drunk every bottle that had anything to do with alcohol!
Cait's Friend: (Chugging a bottle of Dayquil) Tequila man!
Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
Vegeta: (Finally pulls his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Damn, all the way through the intermission, that's a record.
Barret: Your line, foo'!
Vegeta: Oh, sorry. I think Cloud should be done by now.
Aeris: We'll wait for him.
Vegeta: Okay! (Shoves his tongue back in)
Cloud: (Walks in) That bastard Dav is a traitor!
Vincent: A traitor?
Tifa: What'd he do?!
Cloud: I was interrogating the Sailor b***h and he suddenly attacked me from behind! Then ran out!
Barret: Dat foo'! But we shoulda seen him.
Cloud: He cut a hole in the back wall and ran off with her through there!
Tifa: Well, the Atma Weapon does have that power.
Cloud: And right before she was about to spill their guts on who their f**king leader is!
Cait Sith: Did you at least learn where their base is?
Cloud: On a chain of islands south of Hyrule.
All: Hyrule?!
Bart: He stole my "Bartweiser"...
Red XIII: Maybe Link'll be available now.
Vincent: I don't know, he may still be caught up in that marriage nonsense he put himself in.
Tifa: The least we could do is get him away from that fish b***h. He did help us last time.
Cait/Barret/Red/Vince/Cloud: Not by much, though.
Tifa: Well anyway, let's go to Hyrule and get him!
Cloud: Come on you two!
Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out, AGAIN!) Oh nuts...
Bart: (Finally out of shock) Better get the four downstairs. (Heads down)
Aeris: What about Cait's Friend and Steve?
Steve: Babes!
Vegeta: I don't know.
Cait's Friend: Fejita man!
Vegeta: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT YOU F**KIN' LOSER!!! EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! HA!!!
(Blows Cait's Friend into another dimension.)
Cait's Friend: Teeeeeeeeequuuuuiiiiiillllaaaa maaaaaan!!! (Disappears)
Red XIII: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That takes care of him!
Barret: We gonna hafta take dat foo' Steve with us!
Steve: Babes!
Vincent: But we'd better wait until tomorrow, it's getting dark.
(Downstairs)
Steel: Die you Saiyin pussy!
Goku: Oh come on! I'm sick of that line! (Hits Kirby off with a lightsaber) Ha! Not even the defeat of a Saiyin warrior will
make the Saiyin stronger!
Fei: (Grabs Fox and throws him off) Looo-hoo-hoo-ho-ser!!!
Goku: Poopy!
Spanky: Fei wins again!
Steel: Now where is Dav? He could beat Fei.
Bart: (Comes down) Dav betrayed us all!
All: HUH?!
Bart: He attacked Cloud and ran away with the prisoner.
Spanky: Well that utterly SUCKS!!!
Bart: But we know where their base is so tomorrow we're going to attack it. But before that, we're stopping at Hyrule to
get Link.
Goku: Not the fairy boy!
Bart: Too bad!
(On Round Island the sun is slowly setting)
Dav: (Leaning against a tree, facing away from Sailor Mercury, watching the sunset.) You know, I don't even know your
name.
Sailor Mercury: (Sitting in the grass next to a small fire) Well as Sailor Mercury I'm simply called Sailor Mercury.
Dav: (Laughs) Yeah, I figured that.
Sailor Mercury: I'm not Sailor Mercury the whole time. (Reverts) As a normal person my name is Amy Anderson.
Dav: (Turns around to see her in her reverted form) Amy? Nice name, for a nice girl.
Amy: I'll bet you say that to all the girls.
Dav: Actually no. I vowed to never love again after my friend was killed in the explosion...
Amy: Explosion?!
Dav: (Sighs) I guess I should tell you everything. (Looks at her) But before I'd better wash you a little more. (Walks
over to a nearby stream and dips a piece of cloth in the water)
Amy: (Watches him as he moves closer) That cloth, for some reason it seems very important to you. It's age gives it all
away.
Dav: (Kneels down and washes her bleeding spots) This was my great-great-great-grandfather's bandana. His name was
Locke, one of the heroes who destroyed Kefka 200 years ago. I'm his only living descendant.
Amy: That sword you use, was that also your grandfather's?
Dav: Yeah, it's called Atma Weapon. It changes it's holder's power into a sword. But for some reason only I can use it.
(Finishes washing her) There, you look much better. (Stands up)
Amy: I also thought I'd never be attracted to someone... but after the first time I met you...
Dav: I know what you mean, the same thing happened to me. Well anyway the story. I have no idea where I was born,
I've never met my real mother. I grew up in Gongaga village under the false name, Dave Linshire. I was taken to
Gongaga when I was about a year old and the first thing I ever remember hearing was my mother saying to the Linshire
family, "His name is Dav." But I never believed that until much later.
Amy: So you did know your real name early on?
Dav: I denied it. I thought I'd be Dave Linshire forever. But only a couple of years ago I learned that I was right. At that
time I also learned my false name was used to protect my heritage.
Amy: It must have been painful.
Dav: (Sighs again) It was. I grew up with my friends Zack Garek and Jessika Leifa. She was the one killed.
Amy: So you named your chocobo after your friend?
Dav: Yeah, Jessika was my teacher's daughter. He was the only one other than my parents who knew my heritage and
was the one who told me the truth. Rand gave me Atma Weapon and the bandana.
Amy: What caused the explosion?
Dav: There was a mako reactor in the village. I was off in the Shinra elite group SOLDIER at the time. Zack entered the
army three years before me and he disappeared on a mission five years ago, no one's heard from him since. Cloud knows
what happened but won't talk about it. Anyway the explosion's true cause is still unknown. My family was blamed and
killed. I would've been killed also but my loyalty to the service only prompted Shinra to kick me out of SOLDIER, I was
lucky.
Amy: What did you do then?
Dav: I went east to Fort Condor where I lived for two months. I needed to return home but the only port to its continent
was the city where the army's headquarters was located and they would've killed me. I snuck up into the city anyway,
sabotaged their airship, killed my former commanding officer, and fled on a cargo ferry. Little did I know that Cloud and
his group would be there only a week later. Also that sabotage of the airship influenced many of the events in Cloud's
journey, but I was too wrapped up with my problems to care.
Amy: Am I hurting you by having you tell this story?
Dav: Actually no. I usually hate to even think about it, it usually leaves me cold and cruel for hours, but to you I don't
have that problem. Anyway, after I got home and saw the damage I nearly committed suicide. But Rand stopped me and
told me the truth. After receiving Atma Weapon I headed north and encountered an iron golem attacking a chocobo. That
was the first battle where I used the Atma Weapon. It's power is incredible!
Amy: You don't have to stand up you know. Sit.
Dav: Okay. (Sits next to her) I utterly annihilated the golem and the chocobo wouldn't leave me alone so I decided to
keep her. I was extremely scared the first time we went over water also. Anyway it turned out that she was the last wild
gold chocobo on the planet. I named her after Jessika and we worked as monster hunters.
Amy: (Moves closer to him and puts her head on his shoulder)
Dav (Surprised): After about six months I met the AVLANCHE team after by accidentally reviving one of their friends and
helping them to defeat a giant monster they invited me to live with 'em. And I've been living on and off with 'em ever
since.
Amy: What do you do when you're not living with 'em.
Dav: Either Dyne doesn't write me into his fics (God forbid) or I'm on vacation.
Dyne: I'm feeling that this is getting too serious here!
Dav/Amy: Too bad!
Dav: Well you'd better get some sleep, you've had a really hard day.
Amy: What about you?
Dav: I'll be alright.
Amy: See that you are. Good night, Dav. (Kisses his cheek and lies down on the other side of the fire)
Dav: (Has this really surprised look on his face) Uh... good night.
Amy: (Falls asleep instantly)
Dav: (Throws some sticks onto the fire then gets up) Jessika, stay here with her. I'll be back in the morning.
Jessika: Wark?
Dav: It's to check the northwest section's condition. I'll be fine, stay with her. If anything happens to me take her and
run to Wyndia. Ryu and Nina'll recognize you.
Author's note: This is from when he hosted the RPG Deathmatches.
Jessika: Wark... (Lays down next to Amy)
Dav: Don't worry about me. (Looks at Amy and walks toward the woods. He continues looking at Amy and walks into a
tree.)
Jessika: Wark!
Dav: That's not funny, Jessika! (Walks into the woods).
(The next morning, at the hideout)
Cloud: All right everyone, move out!
All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a rip-off macho man! Can't you say "let's mosey" or something?!
Cloud: MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!!
(Everyone piles into the Highwind and head for Hyrule)
Bart: So what to you guys usually do while waiting to arrive somewhere?
Red XIII: When we first got here everyone just stood in the same place.
Cait Sith: Then after Vegeta and Aeris got married and Cloud and Tifa got together we usually stood outside their
bedrooms while they've been uh... doing their thang.
Fei: That's perverted! I like it.
Vincent: But it would suck if we got caught.
Barret: Last week dat foo' Dav installed some bugs so they can't hear us on da' outside.
Vincent: So we've been listening in every time we get bored.
Goku: Cool! Let's try it out!
Steve: Babes!
Cait Sith: All right. (Runs over to the system) Now how did he do this?
Steve: Babes! (Starts pushing buttons and flipping switches)
Red XIII: You're going to overload the system!
System: (Starts shorting out and explodes)
Barret: Sh't!
Pilot: Guys! We've got a problem here!
Vincent: What?
Crewman: We're crashing!
All: F**K!!!
Cait Sith: (Pounds on Cloud/Tifa's and Aeris/Vegeta's doors) Get out here you guys! We're crashin'!
Cloud: (Runs out) Good thing we didn't start yet.
Tifa: Yeah, it sucks!
Aeris: (Runs out) Well if I 'm going to die I'm going to die happy!
Vegeta: I hear ya! (Shoves his tongue in, again...)
Fei: Would you stop that?! Get some parachutes!
(Everyone parachutes out of there as the Highwind crashes into the mountains and explodes)
Pilot: You get to explain this to the Captain!
Crewman: Oh no! It was your crappy piloting!
Pilot: Oh yeah?!
Crewman: Yeah!
Pilot: Oh yeah?!
Crewman: Yeah!
Pilot: OH YEAH?!!!
Crewman: YEAH!!!
Barret: Listen foo's we've gotta figger out where the hell we are first.
Cloud: Barret's right, we've never been here before.
Cait Sith: No s**t Sherlock.
A voice: Hey! You over there!
AVALANCHE: (Turns around to see two guys and a girl)
Goku: Whadya want!?
Vegeta: Shut up Kakaraught! No one asked you to talk!
Goku: Why are you being so mean to me lately?
Vegeta: Because I can!
Girl: We saw the crash. Are you all right?
Red XIII: (Dripping with sarcasm) No! We've all got gas from that horrible, HORRIBLE experience! (Farts) Ah...
Aeris: Quiet, you! We're all fine. Now who are you guys?
Girl: My name is Cecilia Lynne Adlehyde, Princess of Adlehyde.
First guy: Jack Van Burace here, this is my wind mouse companion, Hanpan.
Hanpan: Hello.
Red XIII: Hanpan? (Starts laughing his head off)
Hanpan: Eeerrghh!
Tifa: Are you a pet or something?
Hanpan: I am not a damn pet! Jack and I are partners!
Second guy: Rudy Roughnight, at your service.
Cloud: I'm Cloud Strife, this is my friend Tifa.
Tifa: Hello.
Barret: Barret Wallace speakin', I'm da leader of AVALANCHE!
Rudy/Jack/CC: The leader of WHAT?!
Cloud: It's an underground rebellion in our game.
Rudy/Jack/CC: Oh...
Red XIII: I'm Nanaki.
Hanpan: (Whispers to Jack) He sure looks like one.
Red XIII: But everyone calls me Red XIII.
Cait Sith: Cait Sith's the name, fortune telling's my game. I'm also a matchmaker, preacher, on-line psychic... (Rambles
on and on)
Vincent: Vincent Valentine...
Fei: Fei Fong Wong and my friend Bartholomew Fatima.
Bart: Call me Bart.
Goku: I am Goku of the Saiyin Warriors!
Vegeta: I am the almighty Vegeta!
Rudy/Jack/CC: Fejita?!
Vegeta: No! VE-GE-TA! V-E-G-E-T-A!!!
Cloud: He's very sensitive about that.
Rudy: No kidding.
Vegeta: And this is my lovely wife, Aeris.
Aeris: Hi.
Steel: The name's Steel, John Steel Clayton. I am a sexual lebasidas demicriada.
Spanky: My friends call me Spanky.
Steve: Babes!
Steel: Don't mind Steve. (Whispers to Cecilia) Just keep your guard up or he'll get you.
Cloud: (Surveys the group) Now did we forget anyone?!
Ramza: (Runs in) Don't forget about me!
Barret: You never learn, do you foo'!?
Ramza: Hey! You guys haven't even seen me in a fight!
Cait Sith: All right. If you can hold your own in a fight you can stay.
Vincent: If not then I kill you.
Ramza: Oh goodie! (Ramza joins the party)
Cecilia: Just pull your pants up! You're making me nauseous! Erk... (Pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: Nnnnnnooooo!!! Just when I thought I was free of that!
Dyne: Too bad!
Rudy: Who was that?!
Goku: Just the author, don't mind him.
Cloud: Anyway we'd have two more of us here but one was captured in battle and the other turned traitor.
Cecilia: Captured?! By whom?
Barret: By those f**kin' Sailor Scouts, they's trying to take over da world!
Jack: Sailor Scouts huh?
Vincent: You've heard of 'em?
Jack: Are they the school girl b***hes in mini-skirts who fly around delivering corny lines?
Spanky: Damn right.
Jack: I hate those b***hes! A few hours ago one of 'em attacked me and asked where Sailor Mercury was but I whipped
her @$$ with my Fast Draw, Meteor Dive!
Tifa: Hey! I have a Limit Break called Meteor Dive!
Jack: No kidding?!
Rudy: I'm a master of the ARMs.
Cait Sith: Arms? Cool!
Rudy: Yeah, Ancient Relic Machines. Here I'll show you. (Pulls out the Hand Cannon)
Cait Sith: Rats! I was hoping you'd summon a bunch of disembodied arms out of the ground and they'd slap the enemy
to death.
Ramza: Things aren't always as they seem.
Steel: Hey! No one asked you to speak!
Ramza: I'm sorry...
Cloud: Anyhow do you guys have any method of air transport out of here? We're on our way to attack the Sailor b***hes
base.
Cecilia: Yeah, our flying machine called the Gull Wing.
Steel: Will we all fit in it?
Rudy: We should, when the three of us are in there it seems really big.
Spanky: Let's go!
(Everyone piles into the Gull Wing)
Ramza: I've always wanted to ride in one of these things!
All: Shut up, you!
Ramza: Sorry...
(Back on Round Island)
Amy: (Slowly wakes up) Oh! (Remembers what happened) That's right, Dav brought me here. (Looks around) Where is
he?
Jessika: (Wakes up) Wark!
Amy: Good morning to you too. Where'd Dav go?
Jessika: Wark! (Points in the direction Dav went in and mimics what happened)
Amy: So he walked off last night? And he was looking in a different direction and walked into a tree?
Jessika: Wark! (As if to say "yes")
Amy: Well I'm going to go look for him. (Gets up but stops suddenly due to a sharp stab of pain) Ow! I guess I'm still a
little sore. (Slowly gets up) Come on, let's find him.
Jessika: (Forgetting what Dav asked her to do) Wark! (Follows Amy into the woods)
(Five minutes later)
Dav: (Walks into the campsite) I brought breakfast and... (Notices the two gone) Oh crap! Jessika knows not to go into
these woods! (Runs in the direction of the tracks left by Jessika and Amy)
Amy: Are you sure he went this way?
Jessika: Wark! (Nods)
A giant squirrel: (Leaps out of a tree and lands behind the girls)
Jessika: (Turns around) WARK!!!
Amy: (Turns around) Oh my god! A giant squirrel!
Squirrel: (Jumps at 'em)
Amy: SPLIT! (The two leap in different directions) MERCURY STAR POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor Mercury)
Squirrel: (Hears Amy's shout and jumps in front of her)
Jessika: Wark! (Runs behind the squirrel and grabs its tail)
Squirrel: (Throws Jessika against a tree and turns back to Sailor Mercury)
Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE ST- (Feels another stab of pain) Ow! (Collapses)
Dav: (Standing in a tree) I've got an idea! (Grabs a vine, lets out a Tarzan yell, and swings down)
Sailor Mercury: Huh? Dav?!
Dav: (Grabs Sailor Mercury) I've always wanted to do that.
Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him and smiles)
Dav: (Lands in another tree) Love to stay and talk but my chocobo needs help. (Jumps down onto the squirrel)
Sailor Mercury: (Thinks) Now where did that vine come from? This is a forest, not a jungle. (Speaks) Ride 'em squirrel
boy!
Squirrel: (Tries to throw Dav off)
Dav: Yee ha! (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts the squirrel's head off)
Squirrel: (Dies instantly)
Dav: Whew... that was close.
Sailor Mercury: That was cool! (Jumps down)
Dav: (Catches her) I bet you say that to every guy who's done that.
Sailor Mercury: Well technically yes since you're the first one. I guess I should thank you. (They kiss)
Dav: (Pulls back and sets her down) Damn. That's something I haven't felt in three years!
Sailor Mercury: But why did that squirrel attack us?
Dav: (Walks over to Jessika) They normally don't come out this far. I guess it was because I stole some of its nuts for
our breakfast.
Sailor Mercury: You didn't sleep at all last night?
Dav: Nope. I had to see what has happening here. There's been a lot of mako radiation on the northwest section of the
island. The squirrels are a by-product. (Turns to Jessika) You all right girl?
Jessika: (Gets up) Wark!
Dav: I'll take that as a "yes".
Sailor Mercury: What's on this island?
Dav: This is where Cloud found the "Knights-of-the-Round" materia. But none of us have seen is since Yuffie stole it.
Sailor Mercury: Yuffie?
Dav: You know her?!
Sailor Mercury: She's our leader!
Dav: (Jaw drops to the ground) Oh my god! It isn't possible! She's dead! I killed her myself and wished that she'd never
be brought back to life! It's not possible! She's dead! (Does the Cloud Strife Freakout)
Sailor Mercury: (Puts her hand on his shoulder) Hey Dav, it's all right.
Dav: (Still freaking) It's not true! She has to be dead! She HAS to be! That Eternal Dragon prohibited it! She can't have
been revived!!!
Sailor Mercury: Dav I-
Dav: How did she get revived?! How?! Tell me, please!
Sailor Mercury: Well one day about a week-and-a-half ago we had just come back from a failed mission...
(Flashback)
Sailor Venus: This one was all Sailor Moon's fault! If she hadn't done nothing but stare at Darien the whole time we
could've won that battle!
Sailor Mars: I'm sick of her as a leader! She's a major ditz!
Sailor Mercury: Sailor Mars is right. Sailor Moon's been getting more egotistical and clumsy than ever!
Sailor Jupiter: But where are we going to find a new leader?
Sailor Mars: (Sees something on the ground) What's this. (Picks it up) "Instant Plot Device. Directions: Just Add Water!"
Sailor Venus: Cool! Let's use it to get a new leader!
Sailor Mercury: I don't know about this. None of us knows what's going to happen.
Sailor Jupiter: Who cares!? Anyone'd be a better leader than Sailor Moon! (Sailor Mercury: We were wrong about that)
Sailor Mars: Jupiter's right. Pour some water on this baby!
Sailor Mercury: Okay. (Pours water on)
Yuffie: (Appears out of nowhere) I'm back!
Sailor Venus: Congratulations! You're our new leader!
Yuffie: Cool!
(End of flashback)
Sailor Mercury: And so she took over but for some unknown reason made Sailor Moon second-in-command.
Dav: So you've been even more miserable ever since?
Sailor Mercury: Yeah. And we have to follow orders or she'll destroy our favorite things. My books and for the others
there pictures of boys.
Dav: Ouch! But I can help you overthrow Yuffie.
Sailor Mercury: Are you sure? She's pretty powerful.
Dav: POWERFUL?! HA!!! I deflected her strongest attack very easily!
Sailor Mercury: You'd help me? After I attacked you?
Dav: I figure, what the hell. I feel I have to do something more for you since I didn't stop Cloud right away.
Sailor Mercury: Thank you. (They embrace and kiss again)
Jessika: WARK!
Dav: (Pulls back) What the bloody hell is this?! (Draws Atma Weapon)
Sailor Mercury: It's the squirrels!
Dav: Crap! You're right!
(Ten squirrels leap out of the bushes)
Dav: S**t! We're surrounded!
Sailor Mercury: Teamwork is all we need!
Dav: Gotcha! Freeze 'em!
Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE STORM BLAST!!! (Freezes the squirrels) Oh! (Feels another stab of pain and collapses
again.)
Dav: (Hasn't noticed yet) SWORDS OF HEAVEN!!! (Draws Ragnarok with his right hand and uses both swords for his Limit
and kills the squirrels) Holy crap! I finally used my other Limit Break! (Sees Sailor Mercury) Oh my god! Are you all right?!
Sailor Mercury: Yeah, I'm still a little sore.
Dav: That's no ordinary soreness. Come on, let's get you to a doctor. Some friends of mine are ruling a kingdom not far
from here, let's go there.
Sailor Mercury: Hang on a second. (Reverts)
Amy: Okay, let's go.
(With Dav's help they climb onto Jessika and head for Wyndia)
(At the Scouts' base)
Yuffie: (Looks at a clock) Hmm... they should be back by now.
Sailor Moon: Maybe I should've gone with the search party.
Yuffie: YOU?! (Laughs her head off) On a serious note Serena you haven't been acting very smart lately.
Sailor Moon: We're just looking for Sailor Mercury! It's not like we're all going to fight a battle in which the fate of the
universe hangs in the balance!
Yuffie: That's it! I've had enough of your insubordination! (Gets up and walks into Serena's room)
Sailor Moon: NO! Not my copy of Titanic!
Yuffie: Yes! THAT! (About to crush the tape when the rest of the Scouts arrive)
Sailor Mars: We're back, Mistress!
Yuffie: Poopy! I wanted to crush the tape!
Dyne: Allow me! (A lightning bolt destroys the tape) I hate that f**king movie and that son of a b***h Reotardo
DiCrapio!
Sailor Moon: My tape...? WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yuffie: Crybaby! (Turns to the rest) Did you find Sailor Mercury?
Sailor Venus: No. When we arrived at their hideout everyone was gone so we split up and searched the different worlds.
Sailor Jupiter: Yeah, it sucked! Some guy with long hair and a rat jumped at me with his sword!
Sailor Neptune: Well some kid in a red cap whacked me with a baseball bat!
Sailor Saturn: Some space person wearing cool armor shot me and I turned frozen!
Sailor Pluto: This one kid with spiky red hair zapped me with lightning!
Sailor Venus: Some guy wearing a tuxedo with a cool British accent shot at me!
Sailor Mars: This cream puff type thing sucked me in and copied my power! Then it fried me!
Sailor Uranus: A really good-looking guy hit me with his whip!
Author's Note: Can you guess which video game characters they're talking about? (Answers will be given at the end of
the fic)
Yuffie: Didn't you fight back?!
Sailor Mars: Uh... no. We were all delivering our lines when they attacked.
Yuffie: Idiots!
Sailor Moon: (Still crying her head off)
(On the Satellite of Love)
Mike: Hey Servo! Have you finished working on the communications rerouter?
Tom Servo: Yeah Mike, all set!
Mike: Good, now we can listen in on Yuffie's plans and send 'em directly to the team. Turn it on.
Gypsy: Roger!
Mike: My name is Mike!
Crow: That was an acknowledgement, Mike!
Gypsy: (Turns it on and the crew listens to the conversation you (the reader) just read)
Mike: Now to contact the team. (Pushes the button)
(Red alarm sounds)
Tom Servo: Oh s**t! Fanfic sign!
(They stumble into the theatre)
(On the Gull Wing)
Jack: We're approaching Hyrule!
Cloud: Sweet!
Cecilia: Hyrule? I thought we were going to attack the base first.
Jack: Didn't they tell you we're stopping here first?
Rudy: We're getting one more ally for the assault.
Cecilia: But no one else'll fit in here!
Spanky: I know how to remedy that! Heh heh heh...
Aeris: Does anyone see Link down there?
Vincent: (Notices two figures running across Hyrule Field) Yeah that's him there. Still trying to be "convinced" to marry
that fish woman.
Barret: (To Jack) Cruise along da ground, foo'.
Cait Sith: (Shouts through his megaphone) Attention, fairy boy! Your reprieve is here!
Link: It's about time! (Throws a Deku Nut at Ruto) Let me in! Please!
Ramza: You won't fit!
Steel: That's not a problem. NOW!
Spanky/Steel: (Throw Ramza out)
Ramza: (Lands on his face) Hey!
Link: Thanks guys! (Climbs into the Gull Wing)
Gull Wing: (Gains altitude)
Ramza: No fair!
Ruto: (Unstunned) Hey! Where's Link?!
Ramza: He just left.
Ruto: You're not too bad yourself, I guess you'll have to marry me instead.
Ramza: Oh f**k! (Runs like hell)
Vegeta: Now that's a fate worse than death!
Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock!
(In Wyndia Castle throne room. Dav and Amy are walking in)
Dav: Ryu! Nina!
Ryu: Dav! Long time no see! (Shakes his hand)
Nina: What brings you to Wyndia?
Dav: Her. This is my friend Amy.
Amy: Glad to meet you.
Dav: She's hurt internally. Do you guys have any doctors here?
Ryu: Actually it's Wednesday, all the doctors are playing golf today.
Dav: Oh... poopy.
Nina: But Ryu here does have healing magic.
Dav: Oh yeah... I forgot since he's also the dragon.
Ryu: It kind of sucks in the game, doesn't it?
Dav: Yeah, Dyne finally beat it last week.
Dyne: Disappointing ending!!!!
Ryu: Okay, hold still Amy. Niektocknilitek! (Casts Vitalize on Amy)
Amy: Whoa! So that's what magic feels like.
Dav: Any pain?
Amy: (Moves around) No. Thanks Ryu.
Ryu: Don't mention it.
Nina: Can you guys stay a while?
Dav: Sorry, can't. We're on our way to attack a base.
Amy: That reminds me. MERCURY STAR POWER!!! (Transforms into Sailor Mercury)
Sailor Mercury: Ready?
Dav: For anything. (They walk out)
Ryu/Nina: Good luck!
Author's Note: Please forgive me for all of the serious parts in this comedic fic. I promise it'll be funny with Dav and Amy
from now on. And please forgive the last scene where 3 out of four characters only had 3 letters in their names.
(On the Gull Wing)
Jack: We're approaching the island!
Barret: Awright! We gonna rock!
Tifa: May I remind you that we're here to rescue Cid?
Aeris: And may I remind you that using the same lines over and over gets old?!
Link: Hey! I just noticed, where's that mean person who calls me gay?
Goku: He betrayed us.
Link: No way!
Fei: Yes way, fairy boy!
Link: You can't call me "fairy boy" anymore, my fairy was killed two weeks ago!
Bart: So? You're still a fairy boy!
Vegeta: I remember that...
(Flashback)
Dav: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Link's gay!!!
Link: I am not!!!!!
Navi: Don't call Link gay you meanie!!! (dive-bombs Dav)
Dav: (holds his Atma Weapon straight up in the air and Navi gets cut in half)
Link: NAVI!!!!!!
Dav: That takes care of him!!!
Barret: That was coo' foo'!!!!!
Link: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! He's gone!!! My only friend in the world is gone!!!!!!
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Goku: Ah c'mon kid. You don't really need a fairy to protect you.
Link: (crying) Why not?
Barret: 'Cause day're stupid, gay and they piss on ya' head!!!!!
Link: Navi never did!!! He was potty trained!!!
Goku: Face it kid, you can't potty train a fairy.
Dav: Then that means Link isn't potty trained!!!!
Link: Shut up! It's because of you, Navi is dead!!!!
Dav: Hey, s**t happens, kid!!!!!
Zelda: Dav's right, s**t DOES happen.
(End of flashback)
Hanpan: Land over there, Jack.
Jack: Gotcha. (Lands the Gull Wing behind a jungle surrounding the base)
Cloud: We'll split up into two groups. One'll take the side entrance while the others go head on.
Red XIII: You like that group stuff don't you?
Cloud: Shove it!
Tifa: All right everyone, let's separate.
Cloud: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "split up" or something?! Ha! I did one! I did one!
All: (Dripping with sarcasm) Don't you feel special?
(The team splits up with Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Cait Sith, Steel, Steve, Jack, Link, and Fei in one group and Vegeta, Red
XIII, Vincent, Aeris, Spanky, Rudy, Cecilia, Bart, and Goku in the other.)
Cloud: If one of the groups finds Cid or encounters the Sailor b***hes, call.
Vegeta Right! (They split up)
(On the Satellite of Love)
Mike: Okay, that's the first false alarm we've ever had! No fanfic!
Crow: Well we all know what a dimtwit Yuffie is.
Tom Servo: Shouldn't we warn the team about the traps in the base?
Mike: You're right, Servo! Let's just open a channel. (Pushes the button)
(Red alarm goes off)
Crow: AH! Fanfic sign!
Mike: Wait a minute. (Pushes the button again)
(Red alarm goes off)
Mike: Servo I thought you rerouted the communications array so we could send what we tapped into on to the team!
Tom Servo: Well excuuuuse me! I've got springs for arms and so I may have messed up a few wires!
Mike: Crow open the panel that Tom was using.
Crow: (Opens the panel) Holy s**t! Mike we've got a problem here!
Mike: Oh crap! Half the system's completely rerouted and Cambot's been turned into the cheese dispenser!
Cambot: (Sprays everyone with melted cheese)
(Back outside the Scouts' base)
Sailor Mercury: This is it!
Dav: Wow! What a pad!
Sailor Mercury: We've had this place since we discovered it a month ago.
Dav: What did you use as a central base before?
Sailor Mercury: Serena's house.
Dav: (Turns to Jessika) Go back to the chocobo farm, Jessika. Once we're done here we'll fly back.
Jessika: Wark! (Runs off)
Dav: Ready?
Sailor Mercury: Never felt more. Let's take the back entrance, this place is full of traps against intruders.
(They head into the rear entrance)
(In the central control room)
Computer: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! I said "INTRUDER ALERT!!!"
Yuffie: When are you guys going to get that thing fixed?!
Sailor Moon: It's not a malfunction this time! There are three parties entering from every entrance!
Yuffie: Damn! How big are they?!
Sailor Moon: Two groups of nine, one of two! Waittaminute! The alarms aren't going off in the rear sector, maybe Sailor
Mercury's back!
Yuffie: Go check!
Sailor Moon: (Runs out)
Yuffie: As for the rest of you, split up and attack!
Sailor Mars: Yes, Mistress!
(Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto head for Cloud's team while Venus, Saturn, and Neptune head for Vegeta's team)
Yuffie: I'd better call for backup. (Uses an Instant Plot Device)
Captain Ginyu: (Appears) We are here! We are...
Recoom/Chase: (Appear) THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance)
Yuffie: S**t! I was hoping for PeeWee! Anyway Ginyu, I need two of you to go to the side entrance while the third heads
for the front entrance to help my girls.
Captain Ginyu: What's in it for us?!
Recoom: I like soap operas.
Chase: Yeah Yuffie! I've got a bigger dildo and I want to use it!
Yuffie: All right! All right! Defeat the intruders and I'll let you have one of my girls, each.
Chase: Hot damn! (Runs towards the front entrance)
Recoom: Can I watch soap operas?
Captain Ginyu: I'll destroy the f**kin' TV if you don't come with me!
Recoom: That'd be bad, 'cause I like soap operas. (He and Ginyu head for the side entrance)
Yuffie: I should help them... but I won't! (Relaxes) That's what being the leader is all about.
(At the front entrance)
Cloud: Be careful you guys, there could be traps anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (Steps onto a trap-door)
Cait Sith: Maybe you should stop saying those types of lines altogether.
Cloud (Hanging onto the edge): No s**t, Sherlock! (Pulls up)
(The Scouts run up)
Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars!
Sailor Jupiter: And for Jupiter, also!
Sailor Pluto: By the power of Pluto!
Sailor Uranus: By the greatness of Uranus-
Link: I'm gonna have fun tonight!
Steve: Babes!
Sailor Scouts: Through our powers combined-
Captain Planet: (Appears) I am Captain Planet! The Power is yours!
Jack: Cool! I've finally learned what the absolute "Power" is!
Hanpan: What?
Jack: Gay @$$ pansies with bad lines!
Fei: Let's call a truce long enough to kill this son of a b***h!
Sailor Mars: Agreed.
(Everyone focuses their attack on Captain Planet)
Captain Planet: Oh... poopy! (Dies)
Sailor Jupiter: Okay, let's begin where we left off!
Sailor Scouts: We will punish you!
Barret: Spread out an' attack!
Chase: (Runs in swinging his dildo) Your leader sent me to help!
Tifa: Oh f**k! Not him again!
Link: His friend was the one who blew me through the wall in Ganon's Tower!
Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
Chase: By the power of my dildo I will destroy you!
Steve: Babes! (Pulls out a bigger dildo)
Chase: Ah! A challenge! (Pulls out an even bigger dildo)
Steve: BABES!!! (Pulls out an EVEN BIGGER dildo)
Jack: I'll handle this one before those dildos smother us. TRUMP CARD!!! (Cuts Chase and his dildo into several pieces)
Steel: Get the b***hes!
(They start fighting)
(At the side entrance)
Aeris: Vegeta, I'm scared. Hold me!
Vegeta: (Grabs her between he legs) It'll be alright.
Bart: There could be Sailor b***hes anywhere, keep you guard up!
Goku: I sense that they are near... They are coming...
Spanky: (Imitating Goku) And they are bringing hot dogs...
Vincent: No, Goku's right. (Draws his gun)
Cecilia: This really isn't time for art, Vincent.
Vincent: Sorry... (Puts the drawing away and pulls out his gun)
(The Scouts run up)
Sailor Venus: Through the love of Venus!
Sailor Saturn: On behalf of Saturn!
Sailor Neptune: By the beauty of Neptune!
Sailor Scouts: We will destroy you!
Red XIII: I thought it went "We will punish you!"
Sailor Venus: We're trying to be more original.
Rudy: That's a new one.
(Captain Ginyu and Recoom enter the area)
Captain Ginyu: We are here to help you!
Recoom: We are...
Ginyu/Recoom: THE GINYU FORCE!!! (Do their gay dance)
Vegeta: Oh s**t! You guys again?! Is Frieza going back to his cheap labor plan again!?
Captain Ginyu: (Speaking with a deep voice) No Vegeta! We were revived by the Scouts' leader with...
Recoom: Soap operas!
Captain Ginyu: Shut up, you! Right in the middle of my big moment! *Ahem* With... an INSTANT PLOT DEVICE!!!
Recoom: Just add water!
Red XIII: Forsooth! Now we may blame Cloud and Cait for influencing evils inflicted upon this world!
Aeris: Red, you're overacting!
Red XIII: (Ignores her) Their products hath brought doom, destruction, insanity, and pussies with gay dances upon us!
Yeah, verily it is the Instant Plot Device (just add water) that will destroy us all!
All: (Applaud)
Recoom: I like soap operas.
Rudy: Enough of this soap opera s**t! (Pulls out the Arch Smash and blows Recoom away)
Vincent: Now you will all perish!
(Their fight begins)
(At the rear entrance)
Sailor Mercury: Come on. I think your friend is over here!
Dav: Easier said than done. (Jumps away from a laser trap) You're lucky since these things don't activate for you!
Sailor Mercury: After we help your friend we may be able to reach the central control room and I can turn the traps off.
Dav: Great, let's go! (Turns a corner and sees Sailor Moon coming) Oh s**t! (Jumps back) Meatball head's coming!
Sailor Mercury: You know that her boyfriend also calls her that don't you?
Dav: He does? Oh man! Now I have to come up with another name!
Sailor Mercury: I'll distract her, you slip by. (Turns the corner)
Sailor Moon: Sailor Mercury! You escaped!
Sailor Mercury: Uh... yeah... so I did.
Dav: (Slips by)
Sailor Moon: Wait, the Mistress detected two people in this sector! (Turns around) Hey! You!
Dav: (Stops) F**k!
Sailor Moon: You're not going anywhere! I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice! I will right wrongs and triumph over
evil like you! On behalf of the moon, I will punish you!
Dav: (Has Atma Weapon drawn) So? What's you point?
Sailor Moon: C'mon Mercury, we can handle him!
Sailor Mercury: Okay! Mercury Ice Bubbles! FREEZE!!!
Sailor Moon: MOON SCEPTER EL- (Gets frozen) HUH?! Mercury you missed!
Sailor Mercury: Actually no. (Walks up to Dav)
Dav: I owe you one. (Kisses her) Had me scared for a minute there.
Sailor Mercury: C'mon, the dungeon's this way. (They run out)
Sailor Moon: Traitor! B***h! Sexual lebasidas demicriada!
(Back to Cloud's group)
Tifa: (Fighting Sailor Mars, of course) I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do!
Sailor Mars: Yeah right, b***h!
Tifa: This time I've got a secret weapon! Get her, Steve!
Steve: Babes! (Runs up and starts to rape Sailor Mars)
Steel: Look out guys! This is going to get ugly!
Sailor Mars: Help! Rape! RAPE!!!
Steve: Babes!
Cloud: Well, he's pulling a Link.
Link: Damn right!
Jack: (Fighting Sailor Uranus) Weak sword moves there, b***h!
Sailor Uranus: (With the Space Sword drawn) At least I don't have a gay rat as a partner!
Jack: Hanpan is not gay! And he'll prove it! Get her!
Hanpan: Okay! (Runs up Sailor Uranus' skirt)
Sailor Uranus: HEY!!!
Jack: (Whacks her with his hair and knocks her across the corridor)
Hanpan: (Runs back) Jack if you ever make me do that again!
Sailor Pluto: Time to end this, I'll rip you out of time! DEAD SCREAM!!!
(Crono, Frog, and Lucca appear)
Sailor Pluto: Hey! He's the one who zapped me earlier!
Crono: Huh?! What the hell happened?! We were in the middle of traveling through a Gate when we suddenly stopped!
Frog: Perhaps thou hast an answer, Lucca.
Lucca: I have no idea. But here's another Gate. (She opens it and they jump in)
Link: Well that was weird!
Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!
Fei: Eat this, b***h! (Performs his Yamikei combo on Sailor Pluto)
Sailor Pluto: (Gets knocked out)
Sailor Jupiter: JUPITER THUNDER DRAGON!!! (Summons the dragon)
Barret: I'll handle dis foo'! (Raises his gun-arm)
Dragon: (Bites the gun-arm and shocks Barret)
Barret: S****************T!!!
Steel: (Grabs a fire extinguisher and destroys the dragon)
Link: I'll get the b***h! (Hookshots Sailor Jupiter over and raises his sword)
Sailor Jupiter: AH! (Covers her eyes)
Links: Not "AH", HA! (Lays a bomb at her feet and runs)
Sailor Jupiter: Huh? (Looks down and gets blown away)
Cloud: Come on! The sooner we find Cid the sooner we'll get outta here!
(Everybody, including Steve, runs out)
(At the dungeon)
Dav: (Runs in) Cid! You all right?!
Cid: They took my f**kin' cigarettes, and put 'em right over there, I can't f**kin' breathe!!! And why the hell are you with
that goddamn f**kin' Sailor b***h?!
Dav: It's okay, she's with us now. Amy, open the cell, I'll get his cigarettes. (They do so)
Cid: Hell yeah! (Takes a ciggie but notices that he's out of matches)
%^$?%&%^&$^*^%$%?%^*%^*(&^$%^%^*)%(^)%&)%(%^&@$%^%)&(@$)%*)!#%^(%)&)$%^()%(^@)*(&)$^(&)*(%)&*(@$^)&()%&*$)#&(#$)&(@$)(%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I finally get my f**kin' cigs back and I'm f**kin' outta f**kin' matches!!!
Dav: You may want to short out some wires.
Sailor Mercury: Is that a good idea?
Dav: It may knock out the power but those traps won't activate. (Cuts a hole in the wall)
(At Vegeta's team)
Captain Ginyu: Time to unleash a new attack! (Starts a new gay dance)
Spanky: Oh s**t! It's draining my life force away!
Aeris: Vegeta! Do something!
Vegeta: Ready, Kakaraught?
Goku: Let's do it! Kao Cannon times..... 1000! (Fires it)
Vegeta: (Fires a Solar Flare into the some spot as the Kao Cannon and its power intensifies)
Goku/Vegeta: KAO FLARE!!! (The blast shoots toward Captain Ginyu)
Captain Ginyu: Oh... no! (Gets blown across the galaxy)
Spanky: I take back that comment about the strongest power I made back in Midgar.
Rudy: Damn, that was cool!
Cecilia: Isn't that Jack's line?
Rudy: Well, he's not here to say it!
Aeris: Thanks Vegeta, I'll pay you back tonight.
Vegeta: HELL YA'!!!
Sailor Venus: Hello? Can we continue fighting?!
Vincent: Okay. (Turns into the Galian Beast) Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Sailor Venus: S**t! Not again! (Runs like hell)
Vincent: This time I'm actually going to hit! (Slams Sailor Venus into the wall)
Sailor Neptune: We're going to need some teamwork.
Sailor Saturn: Gotcha! SILENCE WALL!!! (Forms a barrier around Sailor Neptune)
Bart: Way to leave yourself open, b***h! (Cracks his whip, wraps it around Sailor Saturn, and pulls)
Sailor Saturn: (Spins around over and over) Whoooooaaaaaa!!! (Gets incredibly dizzy and pukes all over Red XIII)
Red XIII: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (Mauls Sailor Saturn and knocks her out)
Sailor Neptune: Uh oh, time for a new strategy!
Spanky: No s**t, Sherlock!
Sailor Neptune: (Opens a panel in the wall and pulls out a gun) Ha! This is hooked directly to the main power core!
Rudy: Oh, great!
Sailor Neptune: Yeah, great for me! (About to pull the trigger when the power goes out and the auxiliary turns on) Oh
s**t!
Cecilia: Stupid whore! (Whacks Sailor Neptune on the head and knocks her out)
Red XIII: (Finishes licking the vomit off of himself) Okay, let's go!
(They all move on)
(Back in the dungeon)
Dav: Well we did short out the power. Feel better, Cid?
Cid: (Smoking ten cigs at once) Hell yeah!
Sailor Mercury: Okay, time to get Yuffie!
Dav: I'm with you!
Cid: Same here, I'll get that b***h for what she did to me!
Sailor Mercury: All right, time for mutiny!
Dav/Cid: Hell yeah!
(In the central control room)
Yuffie: (Looking at the surveillance screens) They're all headed for this room. (Turns her chair to face away from the
doors)
(Cloud's team runs in)
Barret: So you're da top b***h! Who da f**k are you?!
Tifa: And what did you do with Cid?!
Cloud: Why the hell are you doing this?!
Steve: Babes!
(Vegeta's team runs in)
Aeris: We're all here!
Vincent: And whoever you are, you will be annihilated. (Pulls out his chainsaw and revs it up)
Spanky: It's because of you that our games of Smash Bros. were cut short!
Steel: Damn right!
Vegeta: We'd still be playing if you hadn't screwed up our weekend!
Yuffie: Mwahahahahahahaha!!! None of you know who I am? The one who will soon rule over all is me-
Sailor Moon: (Runs in) Yuffie! Sailor Mercury's a traitor!
AVALANCHE: YUFFIE?!
Yuffie: (Turns around) Godammit Serena! You ruined my best line ever! I'll deal with you after I kill them! (Turns to the
team) Remember this?! (Pulls out the Knights-of-the-Round materia)
Cloud: Oh crap!
Barret: Sh't!
Link: This doesn't appear to be a good thing.
Yuffie: Ironic, isn't it? The most powerful materia in the world is going to destroy its owner! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!
ULTIMATE E- (A rock knocks the materia out of her hand) Huh?! What the hell?!
Cait Sith: (Catches the materia) Who did that?!
(Dav, Cid, and Sailor Mercury walk in)
Dav: And just think, I didn't even have to aim.
Tifa: Dav! You're back! And you helped Cid!
All: No s**t, Sherlock!
Steel: But why is the Sailor b***h with you?!
Dav: Don't you ever call her that! If you do you'll feel the wrong end of my sword! Amy and I are uh... well... uh... you
know.
Sailor Mercury: We're in love.
Dav: Right, that. (They kiss)
AVALANCHE/Sailor Moon: Wohoo!!!
Yuffie: No! My dreams are shattered! My plans are ruined! WWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Sailor Moon: Crybaby!
Dav: (Pulls back) That reminds me. Time to do what I do in every fic! JUSTICE SLASH!!! (Hits Yuffie)
Yuffie: I regret nothing! (Dies)
Cloud: So Dav, is that why you ran?
Dav: (Puts Atma Weapon away) Sorry I did that Cloud. My emotions got the best of me.
Sailor Moon: But what will we do now?
(The rest of the Scouts run in)
Sailor Venus: There they are!
Steve: Babes!
Sailor Mars: (Shudders)
Sailor Mercury: STOP!!! Yuffie is dead-
AVALANCHE: Again.
Sailor Mercury: And we were about to discuss what we're going to do next!
Dav: The way I see it is this. If you girls all go back to the way you used to be before Yuffie took over then everything'll
be as normal as it ever was. OR...
Sailor Scouts: OR?!
Dav: If you continue to keep doing what you're doing now and trying to take over the world then we'll lock you all,
except for Mercury of course, in a room with HIM! (Points at Steve)
Steve: BABES!!!
Sailor Scouts: (Scream) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Oh man, that IS a fate worse than death. I don't feel sorry for Ramza anymore.
Sailor Moon: We'll go back to our old ways!
Sailor Mars: Just keep me away from him!
Steve: Babes!
Cloud: Done.
Barret: But what we gonna do now?
Jack: We all go home.
Cid: Yeah, I've got about ten packs to catch up on.
Goku: Only ten?
Cid: Oops, that's ten thousand packs.
Dav: I have an idea as well. (Turns to Sailor Mercury) Amy, will you marry me?
All: HUH?!
Sailor Mercury: Of course!
Bart: Aren't you guys rushing it?!
Dav: Hey, Vegeta proposed to Aeris after ten minutes!
Everyone: (Looks at Vegeta)
Vegeta: He's right.
Tifa: Well yeah but you're both only 17! You're too young!
Dav: Reality check here, Tifa. You're only 20 and you own a bar... YOU'RE NOT EVEN AT THE LEGAL AGE TO DRINK!!!
Everyone: (Looks at Tifa)
Tifa: (Is speechless) Uh...
Sailor Mercury: It's settled then!
Cait Sith: Dav, I'll be your matchmaker, preacher-
AVALANCHE: We all know the line, Cait!
Cait Sith: Sorry...
Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey!
All: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or something!?
Cloud: There's just no pleasing you people!
(Outside the base)
Rudy: Well we'd better get the fairy boy back to Hyrule and the rest of you back to Midgar.
Link: No! Don't take me back there! I beg you!
Jack: All right, you can stay with us. But you have to do all of our chores!
Link: I will! I will!
Cid: (Sees the Gull Wing) Where the hell's the Highwind?!
Cloud: Well... um... tell 'im, Barret.
Barret: Oh no! You tell 'im, Vince!
Vincent: Red XIII's the best storyteller.
Red XIII: No thank you, that job goes to Cait Sith.
Cait Sith: Well maybe Spanky wants to tell him.
Spanky: No, Steel does.
Steel: Perhaps-
Cid: Will you just f**king tell me?!
Dav: We'd better get outta here.
Sailor Mercury: Good idea. (Picks Dav up and flies away in time to hear Cid spew out a record-breaking amount of
cussing)
(Sing to the music of "Fly Away")
Sailor Mercury: I wanna fly! Like a dragonfly! While being with my guy!
Dav: It's just something that'll get you high!
Sailor Mercury: And we start to fly! All over the beautiful sky! And we go, just him and I!
Dav: Good God, but you're sly!
Mercury/Dav: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah
yeah!
(At the Gull Wing)
Cid: I want my ship fast! If not then for you pansies I kick all of your @$$!
Cait Sith: That won't last!
Cid: It will be fast! When I kick your @$$!
Cait Sith: I'd rather smell Red's gas!!
Cid/Cait: I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah yeah! I wanna get away! I wanna f-l-y away! Yeah yeah
yeah!
Cait Sith: I'd better fly away!
Cid: Damn right!
(Song's done)
Sailor Mars: Hey! I didn't get to sing!
Dav: You know, I think we forgot something.
Sailor Mercury: I'm sure it's nothing.
(On the Satellite of Love)
Mike: Hey! Hello?! What about us?! We're still stuck up here!
Tom Servo: This is a maximum suckage!
Crow: Don't worry guys, the good thing is that both Dr. Forrester AND Yuffie are gone!
Mike: Yeah you're right. We can just live up here and never have to worry about bad movies or cheesy fanfics ever again.
Gypsy: Hey guys! Someone's calling!
Tom Servo: Good, hopefully it's someone who'll help us get down anyway.
Cambot: (Puts the caller on-screen)
Frieza: So you guys are the ones up here!
Mike: Are you going to help us?!
Frieza: Hell no! I'm here to take over!
Mike/Crow/Servo: Oh... poop!
Frieza: I guess I'll have to use bad TV shows. Hmm... let's start with every episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
then work into Care Bears.
Mike/Crow/Servo: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frieza: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
(Back on the planet the day of the wedding arrives)
Cait Sith: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to... Do we really want to go through with all of this?
All: No!
Cait Sith: Skip it then. Dav Cole, to you take Amy Anderson to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Dav: You bet!
Cait Sith: Amy Anderson, do you take Dav Cole to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Amy: I do.
Cait Sith: And by the power vested in me. And by the power behind Cid's threat to kill me if I don't help him repair the
Highwind...
Cid: Damn right!
Cait Sith: I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride.
Dav/Amy: (What else?)
Everyone: (Applauds)
Barret: Sh't man, I'm jes no good at weddins.
Fei: Second shortest wedding I've ever seen.
Bart: What was the shortest?
Fei: The one on Spaceballs.
Bart: Oh yeah.
Cait Sith: Wasn't there another wedding scheduled as well?
Ruto: Yeah, right here!
Ramza: (Wearing a leash) WWAAAAHHHH!!! I want Delita!
Link/Dav: Hahahahahahahahahaha! Ramza's gay!
Link: See, I knew we'd eventually agree on something.
Dav: Damn right.
Serena: So Amy? How does it feel to be the first one of us married?
Amy: Different. Hey, time to toss the bouquet!
Raye: Go ahead!
Amy: (Tosses the bouquet)
Bouquet: (Lands on Steve)
Steve: Babes!
All the (single) girls: Oh f**k! (Run from Steve)
Cecilia: I'll handle this one. Banish!
Steve: (Gets sealed in another dimension where he is currently keeping Cait's Friend company.)
Author's Note: You can just imagine what all their conversations are like.
Cloud: Well I think you two had better cut the cake.
Lita: Yeah, before Serena gets to it.
Serena: (Being restrained by Steel and Spanky) It looks so good! I've gotta have it!
(The reception moves on into the night)
Ryu: A toast! To Dav and Amy, may they have even more insane adventures than the one that brought them together.
Nina: Here here!
Vincent: I'm sure Dyne and Dave can handle that.
Dyne: Damn right!
Spanky: So how about one more game of Smash Bros. before this fic ends?
Vegeta: Good idea.
Cloud: Yeah, pretty soon Dav's going to be too "busy" to play.
Dav: Very funny. Come on, I'll show you guys how it's done. (They head downstairs)
Red XIII: I'll scorekeep. Cait's circuits are a little messed up after drinking his friend's tequila. (Heads downstairs)
Cait Sith: Tequila man!
Aeris: Well Amy, all I have to say is "Welcome to our group".
Amy: Thanks, Aeris.
Aeris: Now you and I can team up against Double D.
Tifa: Oh no! She's on my side!
Tifa/Aeris: (Start one of their endless arguments)
Lita: They don't sound too much different than Serena and Raye.
Mina: No s**t, Sherlock.
Serena: (Drunk off her @$$) I am Shailor Moon, da' grandmudder o' justish!
Raye: Whatta weirdo.
Amy: I guess things won't be too different here after all.
(Downstairs)
Dav: Let's see, I'll go with Donkey Kong this round.
Cloud: Samus for me.
Vegeta: Time to see if Fox is any good.
Spanky: Hmm... I guess I'll be Pikachu.
Red XIII: Uh oh guys, you heard 'im!
Dav/Cloud/Vegeta: (Look at each other and nod)
Spanky: Uh guys... why are you putting it on Team Battle all against me? Guys...?
The End, at least until the next fic.
Answers to the quiz:
Jack from Wild ARMs attacked Sailor Jupiter.
Ness from Earthbound attacked Sailor Neptune.
Samus from Metroid attacked Sailor Saturn.
Crono from Chrono Trigger attacked Sailor Pluto.
James Bond from Goldeneye attacked Sailor Venus.
Kirby from the many Kirby games attacked Sailor Mars.
Reindhart from Castlevania 64 attacked Sailor Uranus.
Next up, Nightmare at Gold Saucer 3: Frieza's Revenge