yet another angel baby
Contributing to this decision was the fact that we are now planning to move. We have a wonderful opportunity to relocate to a town much closer to where Truman works. So we have been expending a lot of energy on all the details involved. We currently own a mobile home in a trailer park. We are buying land in the new town to put the trailer on. There are SO many details involved, including the need to have well and septic put on the new property. We have spent hours meeting with the realtor, the finance officer, the contractor and someone who can move the mobile home. Things are coming together, and if all goes well, we hope to be moved by the end of May 2003.
In light of all this, we figured it was probably just as well that I was NOT pregnant! I have a history of preterm labor, and there is a fair probability I could be put on bed rest again in my next pregnancy. So in January 2003 we decided to stop trying to conceive. I still charted so I would know what time of the month to avoid (my cycles can vary somewhat). We figured we would start trying again after we were settled at our new place.
Two days before I expected my period, I began spotting. I was not worried, I expected the real thing would show in a couple days. But the spotting stopped after about 18 hours. I waited and waited and waited, still no sign of my period, other than sporadic cramps and a little bit of backache. I also had a recurring headache. So finally one week after I first began spotting I took a pg test at 5:30 am, February 7th, 2003. It was faint, but it was POSITIVE! That is NOT the result I was expecting! Remember, we were going to wait!
I do NOT know what the heck happened! Now I was worried, because I had the bleeding a week before this, and bleeding has never been a good sign in my pregnancies. Also, I was feeling very overwhelmed---here we are trying to focus on the many details of our moving! How on earth would I manage to be pregnant, take care of two very active kids, AND pack up our whole household to move???
I put the positive test stick on Truman’s pillow. When he saw it, at first he could not comprehend what it meant. I said, “it’s positive”. He said, “you’re pregnant?? No way!!” I think he was happy but still VERY SHOCKED, as was I.
We told some of our friends, people who we knew would be dying to know, the same people who we knew would be very supportive, no matter what happened. Talking about it made it seem more real, but I still felt emotionally detached. Maybe it was my subconscious way of trying to protect myself. I still had some doubts about whether or not it could be a good pregnancy---the earlier spotting had me worried. Something just didn’t feel quite right, maybe it was the sporadic cramps and backache. Or maybe it was just that I did not feel ready for this, and needed time to adjust. At any rate, I still had not reached the 5-week mark, at which I had miscarried my last baby. I was only about 4 1/2 weeks along.
I called my midwife, because I was sure she would want to know. In light of our pending move, I knew I would need to find a new doctor in the area we were moving to. My midwife has an office in the town we currently live in, but the hospital is almost an hour north of here. We are moving almost an hour south of here, and I know there is a hospital near where my husband works. But I was not sure it would be good to wait to find a new doctor.
My midwife called me back late that Friday afternoon. She was excited to hear that I was pregnant. She also thought that I should be seen early the next week. She understood that we were planning a move, but she suggested that I start seeing her for prenatal care, and then she could help me find a new doctor or midwife. She knew several good ones in the city where my husband works. This sounded great to me.
Saturday morning I awoke feeling sick. So the pregnancy was starting to make itself known. I was now 4 weeks and 5 days along. After breakfast, we had to go get milk and then we stopped at the thrift shop where they had a sale going on. I got a change table at half price! This would be great for the baby’s room, and I already had a change pad I was in process of recovering with new vinyl. We used a low bureau for changing the boys, but we will be needing it for Jamie’s clothes when we put both boys in the bunk bed in the other bedroom.
We got home, I made some lunch, then went to use the bathroom. I found I was bleeding! It was a lot, and bright red. Come to think of it, I was having a few cramps too, and I had this weird feeling of pelvic pressure. So I was losing this baby after all. My initial reaction was pure shock. No panic like the last time, when I lost June.
I do not know why this is happening like this. I truly suspect a hormone imbalance, but my midwife had told me after I lost June that there was no medical reason to test that unless you have multiple miscarriages. I have done some research on my own, because I just do not accept that “miscarriages often just happen” or “it’s just nature’s way”. One book I have says that very early miscarriage is often a sign of hormone imbalance, while later miscarriage is often due to birth defects.
Another thing I have learned from natural family planning is that your monthly charts should generally reflect your hormone levels during the month. Typically, increasing amounts of estrogen as you prepare to ovulate tend to push down your BBT (basal body temperature), while increasing amounts of progesterone after ovulation cause your BBT to rise. The temp rise should be sustained if you become pregnant, otherwise it usually drops just before your period arrives if you are not pregnant. My charts previous to June had basically followed this pattern. But since I miscarried June, my charts did NOT follow this pattern very well. I believe I did ovulate every month, except for the first cycle after miscarrying, because I had all my normal signs and symptoms of ovulation (CM, mittleschmerz, and temp shift). However, my charts also showed irregular high spikes in temp prior to ovulation, as well as sporadic low dips in temp after ovulation. I suspect that this reflects that my hormone levels were not quite what they should be, and it may explain my failure to get pregnant in those months. Then again, I have to allow that maybe my body was just trying to settle back into some sense of normalcy after having miscarried, and I realize that may take some months, though it varies.
But then I found something very interesting in another one of the books I read. A high-risk OB specialist was the author of the book, and he said that some women can have low-normal levels of progesterone. I.e., their level is still in the normal range, but at the low end. If these women have problems with miscarriage and/or preterm labor, it usually means that they actually NEED more progesterone, and it may be that they need more progesterone than some other women do.
The reason this jumped off the page at me is that I DO have a history of pre-term labor! ALL of my babies were born preterm. Ezra arrived at 28 weeks (then we lost him). Eric came at 35 weeks and I had LOTS of contractions for weeks prior to his birth, I just did not dilate until about week 35. Jamie was born at 36 weeks, and that is still considered pre-term; with him I started to dilate with the contractions at 28 weeks so I got hospitalized and put on bedrest to control the contractions, then when he finally arrived at 36 weeks, he was low-birth-weight, and he needed ICU care for a week due to initial problems breathing. But I have never had my progesterone levels checked---none of my doctors have thought it necessary to do. Then I miscarried my 4th baby, and my hormones have remained out of whack since (as I said, my charts are evidence of this). Now I have also miscarried my 5th baby. No one can tell me that this is normal, or “just nature’s way.”
I kept my Tuesday appointment with my midwife. I told her I'd been bleeding over the weekend, though it had mostly stopped now. She said the only thing to do was a blood HCG level, and go from there. She wouldn’t be able to have results back from the lab until first thing Thursday morning. In my heart I felt that the baby was gone, though there was a very slight chance that I could still be pg in spite of the bleeding----it does sometimes happen that way......
So we waited. I hardly dared to hope---a bleeding pregnancy would be very stressful and I didn’t know if I'd be able to handle it. Plus the backache and cramping did not make me feel confident about a good outcome either.
Finally Thursday morning arrived and my midwife’s nurse called me. She said, “your blood work results show that you are not pregnant.” It isn’t like I really expected anything else after all the cramping and bleeding I'd had, but the way she said it, I almost felt like she did not believe I had ever been pregnant. I guess I was irked that she was not acknowledging that I had been pregnant but lost the baby----which is very different from not getting pregnant in the first place.
Anyway, my midwife had said on Tuesday that if indeed I had miscarried again, running some tests would be in order. We talked about possible low progesterone, and she said that is something worth looking into. I told her what I had recently read about low progesterone also being linked with preterm labor. (I forgot to take the book with me to show her). I was amazed when she said a new study had come out recently about just that! We won't know unless we test though, and that will have to be done at a later date.
In light of my miscarriage, the plan is that we are going to wait about 3 months, then start some testing. I am also going to find a new OB, and maybe a reproductive endocrinologist. I think I might start looking for one now, to get a head start on things in case I have to wait for an appointment.
I feel sad that I have lost yet another baby. This makes 3 of our children that have gone to Heaven already. I do not understand why this has to be this way. We do want another child, especially a girl would be nice. I keep hoping that someday God will grant me my heart’s deepest wish.
I do not feel as angry this time as I did the first time I miscarried. Perhaps it is because I had not yet got so deeply attached to this baby. This time I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant, but then I miscarried the very next day. I think it all happened too fast, and I still feel numb as I write this.
There are also some aspects of the situation that help me to feel more positive. One, I am glad that my midwife now agrees that there may be a reason for my miscarriages other than “it just happens.” I feel that we may be onto something here, especially when my miscarriages are considered along with my preterm labor problem I had with my first 3 babies. We now have very good reason to do testing of my hormone levels, and wouldn’t it be nice if we were able to solve BOTH problems at once?? I have always wanted to find a reason behind my preterm labor, and I have wished that we knew how to prevent it from happening in future pregnancies. I know we won’t know for sure until the tests are run, and there is always the chance that low progesterone might not be the problem, but it does give me reason to hope.
Secondly, I am relieved that I am not having another bleeding pregnancy---I can never forget that I bled in my first pregnancy, and then I lost Ezra at 7 months. Furthermore, I admit I feel relief that I won’t be pregnant during our move. That had me really worried, I just didn’t know how I could manage it. I will have to do the lion’s share of the packing and organizing of details, and we don’t have family who live close enough to help us. I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but it really would be a terrible shame if we had to back out of the moving deal, it truly is a chance of a lifetime for us. (You can read more on another page I am writing about it, click here.) We do feel that it is for the best that we wait until after we get settled in our new place, then we can try again for a baby. That also gives us some time to try to find what is causing my miscarriages. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I should go ahead and find a new OB, even before we move. I can sign releases and get my medical records transferred. It would be nice to have some things in place so that after we get moved, we can get serious about our next baby.
Finally, I think my faith has been strengthened as I worked through June’s loss. At first I was extremely angry with God for allowing me to lose her, but with some loving support from our pastor and his wife, I was able to come to terms with it. I know God has a plan for me and my family, and I know I want to be in God’s will more than I want my wishes fulfilled. It was NOT easy reaching this point, but I know I will die spiritually if I am not in God’s will. I still have desires, don’t get me wrong, but I have really made an effort to turn it over to God, and let Him decide what is right for us. I know I still have my part to do, as in taking care of my health.
I hope and pray that everything works out well. I am sad that I have had to endure yet another loss, that is the part I can't really understand. We decided on Gale as the name for our third angel baby. I have no feeling one way or the other whether it was a boy or a girl, and Gale can be either. We definitely want to remember him/her, along with June and Ezra. I know they are all in Heaven, and God-willing we will see them again someday when we get there.
Miscarried sibling
Miscarried sibling
Fate can be so cruel.
Preterm loss
(oldest brother)
Stillborn loss
