Memorial Page
I know from my previous history of early births that I might not make it to my due date. But my gut feeling (based on conception research) was that I was finally pregnant with a girl, and that would increase my chances of going closer to term. Also, I was already taking lots of extra calcium and magnesium, which help to prevent preterm labor.
Right away we began planning how we would reorganize the boys' rooms. We wanted to put the boys in bunkbeds in one room, but we had to find or make the bunkbeds first. I knew we had plenty of time, but it was still fun to start planning.
I walked around all day with a silly grin on my face, unable to hide my joy. We told lots of our friends and family. Reactions were mixed, ranging from "another already?" To "how are you going to manage THREE small kids?" To "that is so exciting! We will pray for a healthy pregnancy for you."
Of course, Truman and I were already praying for a healthy baby. I felt so positive about the whole thing. And so stress-free. Planning our other children had involved a certain amount of stress in trying to conceive. This time, it just happened---due to an unusually short cycle with early ovulation. I was amazed how I felt so much more relaxed this time, not having put so much effort into it. I was in good health too, having spent the last six months or so focusing on healthy eating and taking the proper vitamins and minerals supplements that my body needs. I just had a really good feeling about it.
Just over a week later, I noticed a tiny amount of staining in my underwear by the end of the day. It was so little, I thought I was imaging it. It was not even enough to call spotting, so I was not even concerned. I remembered spotting a lot more than this for 3 days during Jamie's pregnancy, and everything was fine. I had also bled much more than this in Ezra's pregnancy, and I had carried him for 7 months. When I called the mid-wife to make my first appointment for 6 weeks, I mentioned it, but she did not seem concerned either.
I was already feeling pregnant, mostly very tired and needing to pee more often. I also felt nauseous when I woke up in the morning. No doubt about it, I was certainly pregnant. And enjoying every minute of it too!
Saturday morning, Sept 28, I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. I was shocked to find quite a bit of bright red blood! This was not a good thing. I was just 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I called the midwife, and she had me go to the hospital to have an HCG level done. We would have results in 24 hours.
I continued to bleed, perhaps as much as a medium day of a menstrual period. I also felt very tired, weak, and nauseous. I could not believe that I was losing my baby, though my practical mind kept telling me that I likely was miscarrying. That night I had a vivid dream that I was pregnant with twins, but losing one of them. I wish.
The next day the midwife called. The news wasn't good---though I was indeed pregnant, my HCG level was very low, only 9. She wanted to do a follow-up check in a week to see how things turned out. I kept hoping my levels would rise again. But though I was feeling sick, I kept bleeding.
My follow-up HCG level was zero. I had indeed lost my baby. I also stopped bleeding after 5 days. It was a clean miscarriage, and at least I did not need a D&C.
I am devastated over the loss of my baby. The emotional pain goes very deep. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I fell totally in love with her. I had such big plans and dreams for her. I even bought some adorable outfits for her! To lose her feels like the worst thing in the world. It seems to hurt worse than Ezra’s loss, if that is even possible. At least I felt him kick, and got to hold him to say good bye. And I have many precious photos and other mementos of him. With June, all I have is the positive pg test stick, and shattered dreams.
I have also felt extremely angry about losing June, especially angry with God. How could a loving God let this happen? In spite of our prayers for a healthy baby? My faith in God has been severely shaken, though not completely destroyed. I know in my heart that I cannot live without God, so I have to try to trust Him, even when I do not understand why I have to endure this. It is very difficult. I do realize that this is all part of the grieving process.
But life goes on, and we have to pick up the pieces and move on too. Though I grieve the loss of my precious baby, I am also looking forward to having another baby in the future. Another baby can NEVER replace the one we lost, but it does bring a measure of healing. I well remember how I felt when I got pregnant with Eric after losing Ezra---it was as if my body was finally doing what it was supposed to do. I believe that a new baby will help me heal from my miscarriage too.
June will always be lovingly remembered. I know she is in Heaven with Jesus---and maybe she's playing with her older brother Ezra there too. I believe that someday I will see her there.
Meanwhile, June has a special place in my heart.
This is all the physical proof I have left of her existence.
Preterm loss
(oldest brother)
Miscarried sibling
Miscarried sibling
Stillborn loss
