Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1979 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd. CAST KING ARTHUR PATSY SOLDIER #1 SOLDIER #2 CART MASTER CUSTOMER DEAD PERSON DENNIS WOMAN BLACK KNIGHT GREEN KNIGHT LEAD MONK VILLAGER #1 VILLAGER #2 SIR BEDEVERE WITCH VILLAGER #3 VILLAGER #4 NARRATOR PAGE TURNER SIR LAUNCELOT SIR GALAHAD SIR ROBIN SIR NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-FILM PRISONER MAN GOD FRENCH GUARD HISTORIAN KNIGHT HISTORIAN'S WIFE MINSTREL LEFT HEAD MIDDLE HEAD RIGHT HEAD ZOOT PIGLET WINSTON DINGO OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER TIM THE ENCHANTER HEAD KNIGHT OF NI CARTOON CHARACTER FATHER PRINCE HERBERT GUARD #1 GUARD #2 CONCORDE GUEST #1 GUEST #2 OLD CRONE ROGER THE SHRUBBER OFFICER #1 INSPECTOR RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG BROTHER MAYNARD SECOND BROTHER ANIMATOR Graham Chapman Terry Gilliam Michael Palin John Cleese Eric Idle John Cleese John Young Michael Palin Terry Jones John Cleese Terry Gilliam Neil Innes Eric Idle Michael Palin Terry Jones Connie Booth John Cleese Neil Innes Michael Palin Maggie Gilliam John Cleese Michael Palin Eric Idle Tom Palin Mark Zycon Neil Innes Graham Chapman John Cleese John Young John Cleese Rita Davies Neil Innes Terry Jones Graham Chapman Michael Palin Carol Cleveland Avril Stewart Sally Kinghorn Carol Cleveland Terry Gilliam John Cleese Michael Palin Terry Jones Michael Palin Terry Jones Eric Idle Graham Chapman Eric Idle Michael Palin Michael Palin Bee Duffell Eric Idle Julian Doyle Roy Smith Himself Eric Idle Michael Palin Terry Gilliam Scene 1 [wind] [clop clop clop] KING ARTHUR Whoa there! [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #1 Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! SOLDIER #1 Pull the other one! ARTHUR I am, ...and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER #1 What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR Yes! SOLDIER #1 You're using coconuts! ARTHUR What? SOLDIER #1 You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through-- SOLDIER #1 Where'd you get the coconuts? ARTHUR We found them. SOLDIER #1 Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR What do you mean? SOLDIER #1 Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? SOLDIER #1 Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER #1 What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR It could grip it by the husk! SOLDIER #1 It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? SOLDIER #1 Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ARTHUR Please! SOLDIER #1 Am I right? ARTHUR I'm not interested! SOLDIER #2 It could be carried by an African swallow! SOLDIER #1 Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. SOLDIER #2 Oh, yeah, I agree with that. ARTHUR Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! SOLDIER #1 But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory. SOLDIER #2 Oh, yeah... SOLDIER #1 So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #2 Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? SOLDIER #1 No, they'd have to have it on a line. SOLDIER #2 Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! SOLDIER #1 What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SOLDIER #2 Well, why not? Scene 2 [thud] [clang] CART-MASTER Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! Ninepence. [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out... [rewr!] ...your dead! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER Here's one. CART-MASTER Ninepence. DEAD PERSON I'm not dead! CART-MASTER What? CUSTOMER Nothing. Here's your ninepence. DEAD PERSON I'm not dead! CART-MASTER 'Ere. He says he's not dead! CUSTOMER Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON I'm not! CART-MASTER He isn't? CUSTOMER Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. DEAD PERSON I'm getting better! CUSTOMER No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. CART-MASTER Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. DEAD PERSON I don't want to go on the cart! CUSTOMER Oh, don't be such a baby. CART-MASTER I can't take him. DEAD PERSON I feel fine! CUSTOMER Well, do us a favour. CART-MASTER I can't. CUSTOMER Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. CART-MASTER No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. CUSTOMER Well, when's your next round? CART-MASTER Thursday. DEAD PERSON I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON [singing] I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER Ah, thanks very much. CART-MASTER Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER Right. All right. [howl] [clop clop clop] Who's that then? CART-MASTER I dunno. Must be a king. CUSTOMER Why? CART-MASTER He hasn't got shit all over him. Scene 3 [thud] [King Arthur music] [thud thud thud] [King Arthur music stops] ARTHUR Old woman! DENNIS Man! ARTHUR Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? DENNIS I'm thirty-seven. ARTHUR I-- what? DENNIS I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old. ARTHUR Well, I can't just call you 'Man'. DENNIS Well, you could say 'Dennis'. ARTHUR Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'. DENNIS Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR Well, I am King! DENNIS Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the-- WOMAN Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do? ARTHUR How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that? WOMAN King of the who? ARTHUR The Britons. WOMAN Who are the Britons? ARTHUR Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king. WOMAN I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- WOMAN Oh, there you go bringing class into it again. DENNIS That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of-- ARTHUR Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? WOMAN No one lives there. ARTHUR Then who is your lord? WOMAN We don't have a lord. ARTHUR What? DENNIS I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,... ARTHUR Yes. DENNIS ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting... ARTHUR Yes, I see. DENNIS ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,... ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major-- ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh. ARTHUR I am your king! WOMAN Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR You don't vote for kings. WOMAN Well, how did you become King, then? ARTHUR The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king! DENNIS Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ARTHUR Be quiet! DENNIS Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! ARTHUR Shut up! DENNIS I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! ARTHUR Shut up, will you? Shut up! DENNIS Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR Shut up! DENNIS Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR Bloody peasant! DENNIS Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you? Scene 4 [King Arthur music] [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT Aaaagh! [King Arthur music] [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT Aaagh! GREEN KNIGHT Ooh! [King Arthur music] [music stops] [stab] BLACK KNIGHT Aagh! GREEN KNIGHT Oh! [King Arthur music] Ooh! [music stops] BLACK KNIGHT Aaaagh! [clang] BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT Agh!, oh!, etc. GREEN KNIGHT Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh] [BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT] [thud] [scrape] BLACK KNIGHT Umm! [clop clop clop] ARTHUR You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. [pause] I am Arthur, King of the Britons. [pause] I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot. [pause] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass. ARTHUR What? BLACK KNIGHT None shall pass. ARTHUR I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. BLACK KNIGHT Then you shall die. ARTHUR I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside! BLACK KNIGHT I move for no man. ARTHUR So be it! ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] ARTHUR Now stand aside, worthy adversary. BLACK KNIGHT 'Tis but a scratch. ARTHUR A scratch? Your arm's off! BLACK KNIGHT No, it isn't. ARTHUR Well, what's that, then? BLACK KNIGHT I've had worse. ARTHUR You liar! BLACK KNIGHT Come on, you pansy! [clang] Huyah! [clang] Hiyaah! [clang] Aaaaaaaah! [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] ARTHUR Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer-- BLACK KNIGHT Hah! [kick] Come on, then. ARTHUR What? BLACK KNIGHT Have at you! [kick] ARTHUR Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. BLACK KNIGHT Oh, had enough, eh? ARTHUR Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. BLACK KNIGHT Yes, I have. ARTHUR Look! BLACK KNIGHT Just a flesh wound. [kick] ARTHUR Look, stop that. BLACK KNIGHT Chicken! [kick] Chickennn! ARTHUR Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off] BLACK KNIGHT Right. I'll do you for that! ARTHUR You'll what? BLACK KNIGHT Come here! ARTHUR What are you going to do, bleed on me? BLACK KNIGHT I'm invincible! ARTHUR You're a looney. BLACK KNIGHT The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then. [whop] [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off] BLACK KNIGHT Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw. ARTHUR Come, Patsy. BLACK KNIGHT Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off! Scene 5 MONKS [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. [bonk] Pie Iesu domine,... [bonk] ...dona eis requiem. CROWD A witch! A witch! [bonk] A witch! A witch! MONKS [chanting] Pie Iesu domine... CROWD A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! VILLAGER #1 We have found a witch. May we burn her? CROWD Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her! BEDEVERE How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2 She looks like one. CROWD Right! Yeah! Yeah! BEDEVERE Bring her forward. WITCH I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEVERE Uh, but you are dressed as one. WITCH They dressed me up like this. CROWD Augh, we didn't! We didn't... WITCH And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. BEDEVERE Well? VILLAGER #1 Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE The nose? VILLAGER #1 And the hat, but she is a witch! VILLAGER #2 Yeah! CROWD We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! BEDEVERE Did you dress her up like this? VILLAGER #1 No! VILLAGERS #2 and #3 No. No. VILLAGER #2 No. VILLAGER #1 No. VILLAGERS #2 and #3 No. VILLAGER #1 Yes. VILLAGER #2 Yes. VILLAGER #1 Yes. Yeah, a bit. VILLAGER #3 A bit. VILLAGERS #1 and #2 A bit. VILLAGER #3 A bit. VILLAGER #1 She has got a wart. RANDOM [cough] BEDEVERE What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3 Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE A newt? VILLAGER #3 I got better. VILLAGER #2 Burn her anyway! VILLAGER #1 Burn! CROWD Burn her! Burn! Burn her!... BEDEVERE Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. VILLAGER #1 Are there? VILLAGER #2 Ah? VILLAGER #1 What are they? CROWD Tell us! Tell us!... BEDEVERE Tell me. What do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2 Burn! VILLAGER #1 Burn! CROWD Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... BEDEVERE And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1 More witches! VILLAGER #3 Shh! VILLAGER #2 Wood! BEDEVERE So, why do witches burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3 B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? BEDEVERE Good! Heh heh. CROWD Oh, yeah. Oh. BEDEVERE So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? VILLAGER #1 Build a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #1 Oh, yeah. RANDOM Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... BEDEVERE Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1 No. No. VILLAGER #2 No, it floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1 Throw her into the pond! CROWD The pond! Throw her into the pond! BEDEVERE What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1 Bread! VILLAGER #2 Apples! VILLAGER #3 Uh, very small rocks! VILLAGER #1 Cider! VILLAGER #2 Uh, gra-- gravy! VILLAGER #1 Cherries! VILLAGER #2 Mud! VILLAGER #3 Churches! Churches! VILLAGER #2 Lead! Lead! ARTHUR A duck! CROWD Oooh. BEDEVERE Exactly. So, logically... VILLAGER #1 If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE And therefore? VILLAGER #2 A witch! VILLAGER #1 A witch! CROWD A witch! A witch!... VILLAGER #4 Here is a duck. Use this duck. [quack quack quack] BEDEVERE We shall use my largest scales. CROWD Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh... BEDEVERE Right. Remove the supports! [whop] [clunk] [creak] CROWD A witch! A witch! A witch! WITCH It's a fair cop. VILLAGER #3 Burn her! CROWD Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!... BEDEVERE Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE My liege! ARTHUR Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table? BEDEVERE My liege! I would be honored. ARTHUR What is your name? BEDEVERE 'Bedevere', my liege. ARTHUR Then I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table'. Narrative Interlude NARRATOR The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table. Scene 6 [clop clop clop] SIR BEDEVERE And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped. ARTHUR This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. BEDEVERE Oh, certainly, sir. SIR LAUNCELOT Look, my liege! [trumpets] ARTHUR Camelot! SIR GALAHAD Camelot! LAUNCELOT Camelot! PATSY It's only a model. ARTHUR Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot! [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS [singing] We're knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. [dancing] We're knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, But many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We're opera mad in Camelot. We sing from the diaphragm a lot. [in dungeon] PRISONER [clap clap clap clap] [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS [tap-dancing] In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Camelot. MAN I have to push the pram a lot. [outdoors] ARTHUR Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. KNIGHTS Right. Right. Scene 7 [clop clop clop] [boom boom] [angels sing] GOD Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! [singing stops] One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. ARTHUR Sorry. [boom] GOD And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. [boom] What are you doing now?! ARTHUR I'm averting my eyes, O Lord. GOD Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off! ARTHUR Yes, Lord. GOD Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. ARTHUR Good idea, O Lord! GOD 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! [angels sing] Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: the quest for the Holy Grail. [boom] [singing stops] LAUNCELOT A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! GALAHAD God be praised! Scene 8 [King Arthur music] [clop clop clop] ARTHUR Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo! FRENCH GUARD Allo! Who is eet? ARTHUR It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? FRENCH GUARD This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. ARTHUR Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. FRENCH GUARD Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. ARTHUR What? GALAHAD He says they've already got one! ARTHUR Are you sure he's got one? FRENCH GUARD Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.) FRENCH GUARDS [chuckling] ARTHUR Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look? FRENCH GUARD Of course not! You are English types-a! ARTHUR Well, what are you, then? FRENCH GUARD I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! GALAHAD What are you doing in England? FRENCH GUARD Mind your own business! ARTHUR If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! FRENCH GUARD You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt! GALAHAD What a strange person. ARTHUR Now look here, my good man-- FRENCH GUARD I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! GALAHAD Is there someone else up there we could talk to? FRENCH GUARD No, now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff] ARTHUR Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. FRENCH GUARD (Fetchez la vache.) OTHER FRENCH GUARD Quoi? FRENCH GUARD (Fetchez la vache!) [mooo] ARTHUR If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo] Jesus Christ! KNIGHTS Christ! [thud] Ah! Ohh! ARTHUR Right! Charge! KNIGHTS Charge! [mayhem] FRENCH GUARD Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [mayhem] FRENCH GUARD And this one's for your dad! ARTHUR Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! FRENCH GUARD Thppppt! FRENCH GUARDS [taunting] LAUNCELOT Fiends! I'll tear them apart! ARTHUR No, no. No, no. BEDEVERE Sir! I have a plan, sir. [later] [wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak] FRENCH GUARDS [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank] ARTHUR What happens now? BEDEVERE Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! ARTHUR Who leaps out? BEDEVERE U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh... ARTHUR Ohh. BEDEVERE Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger-- [clank] [twong] ARTHUR Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [CRASH] FRENCH GUARDS Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh... Scene 9 [clack] VOICE Picture for Schools, take eight. DIRECTOR Action! HISTORIAN Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-- KNIGHT Aaaah! [slash] [KNIGHT kills HISTORIAN] HISTORIAN'S WIFE Frank! Scene 10 [trumpets] NARRATOR The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels. MINSTREL [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off And his pen-- SIR ROBIN That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. DENNIS Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. WOMAN Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud. ALL HEADS Halt! Who art thou? MINSTREL [singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- ROBIN Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through. ALL HEADS What do you want? MINSTREL [singing] To fight and-- ROBIN Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight. ALL HEADS I'm afraid not! ROBIN Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table. ALL HEADS You're a Knight of the Round Table? ROBIN I am. LEFT HEAD In that case, I shall have to kill you. MIDDLE HEAD Shall I? RIGHT HEAD Oh, I don't think so. MIDDLE HEAD Well, what do I think? LEFT HEAD I think kill him. RIGHT HEAD Oh, let's be nice to him. LEFT HEAD Oh, shut up. ROBIN Perhaps I could-- LEFT HEAD And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off! RIGHT HEAD Oh, cut your own head off! MIDDLE HEAD Yes, do us all a favour! LEFT HEAD What? RIGHT HEAD Yapping on all the time. MIDDLE HEAD You're lucky. You're not next to him. LEFT HEAD What do you mean? MIDDLE HEAD You snore! LEFT HEAD Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath. MIDDLE HEAD Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth. RIGHT HEAD Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea. LEFT HEAD Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits. MIDDLE HEAD Yes. RIGHT HEAD Oh, not biscuits. LEFT HEAD All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway. ALL HEADS Right! MIDDLE HEAD He buggered off. RIGHT HEAD So he has. He's scarpered. MINSTREL [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away, ROBIN No! MINSTREL [singing] Bravely ran away, away. ROBIN I didn't! MINSTREL [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. ROBIN No! MINSTREL [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about ROBIN I didn't! MINSTREL [singing] And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, ROBIN I never did! MINSTREL [singing] He beat a very brave retreat, ROBIN All lies! MINSTREL [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin. ROBIN I never! Cartoon CARTOON MONKS [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. CARTOON CHARACTER Heh heh heeh ooh... [twang] CARTOON MONKS [chanting] Pie Iesu domine,... CARTOON CHARACTERS Wayy! [splash] Ho ho. Woa, wayy! [twang] [splash] Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh! CARTOON MONKS [chanting] ...dona eis requiem. CARTOON CHARACTER Wayy! [twang] Wayy! [twang] VOICE [whispering] Forgive me, for I have sinned. CARTOON CHARACTER Oh! Oooo. Scene 11 [trumpets] NARRATOR The Tale of Sir Galahad. [boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound] GALAHAD Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of King Arthur, open the door! [squeak] [thump] [squeak] [boom] GIRLS Hello! ZOOT Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax. GALAHAD The Castle Anthrax? ZOOT Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! GALAHAD You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? ZOOT The what? GALAHAD The Grail. It is here. ZOOT Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! MIDGET and CRAPPER Yes, O Zoot? ZOOT Prepare a bed for our guest. MIDGET and CRAPPER Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!... ZOOT Away! Away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. GALAHAD Well, look, I-- I, uh-- ZOOT What is your name, handsome knight? GALAHAD 'Sir Galahad... the Chaste'. ZOOT Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'. Oh, but come. GALAHAD Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! ZOOT Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious. GALAHAD No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this-- ZOOT Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. GALAHAD Well, I-- I, uh-- ZOOT Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! GALAHAD No, no. It's-- it's nothing. ZOOT Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap] PIGLET Well, what seems to be the trouble? GALAHAD They're doctors?! ZOOT Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes. GALAHAD B-- but-- ZOOT Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practise your art. WINSTON Try to relax. GALAHAD Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? PIGLET We must examine you. GALAHAD There's nothing wrong with that! PIGLET Please. We are doctors. GALAHAD Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity. PIGLET Back to your bed! At once! GALAHAD Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail! PIGLET There's no grail here. GALAHAD I have seen it! I have seen it! [clank] I have seen-- GIRLS Hello. GALAHAD Oh. GIRLS Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. GALAHAD Zoot! DINGO No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. GALAHAD Oh, well, excuse me, I-- DINGO Where are you going? GALAHAD I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! DINGO Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! GALAHAD Well, what is it? DINGO Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. GALAHAD It's not the real Grail? DINGO Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think. LEFT HEAD At least ours was better visually. DENNIS Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes. OLD MAN Get on with it. TIM THE ENCHANTER Yes, get on with it! ARMY OF KNIGHTS Yes, get on with it! DINGO Oh, I am enjoying this scene. GOD Get on with it! DINGO [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her. GIRLS A spanking! A spanking! DINGO You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me. AMAZING And spank me. STUNNER And me. LOVELY And me. DINGO Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight! DINGO And after the spanking, the oral sex. GIRLS The oral sex! The oral sex! GALAHAD Well, I could stay a bit longer. LAUNCELOT Sir Galahad! GALAHAD Oh, hello. LAUNCELOT Quick! GALAHAD What? LAUNCELOT Quick! GALAHAD Why? LAUNCELOT You are in great peril! DINGO No he isn't. LAUNCELOT Silence, foul temptress! GALAHAD You know, she's got a point. LAUNCELOT Come on! We will cover your escape! GALAHAD Look, I'm fine! LAUNCELOT Come on! GIRLS Sir Galahad! GALAHAD No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! DINGO Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! LAUNCELOT No, Sir Galahad. Come on! GALAHAD No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily. DINGO Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily. GIRLS Yes. Let him handle us easily. LAUNCELOT No. Quick! Quick! GALAHAD Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them! DINGO Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance. GIRLS We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... [boom] DINGO Oh, shit. LAUNCELOT We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. GALAHAD I don't think I was. LAUNCELOT Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. GALAHAD Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. LAUNCELOT No, it's too perilous. GALAHAD Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. LAUNCELOT No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! GALAHAD Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? LAUNCELOT No. It's unhealthy. GALAHAD I bet you're gay. LAUNCELOT No, I'm not. Narrative Interlude NARRATOR Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- CROWD Get on with it! NARRATOR Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh! Scene 12 OLD MAN Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha... ARTHUR And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? OLD MAN ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha... ARTHUR Where does he live? OLD MAN ...Heh heh heh heh... ARTHUR Old man, where does he live? OLD MAN ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. ARTHUR And the Grail. The Grail is there? OLD MAN There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. ARTHUR But the Grail! Where is the Grail?! OLD MAN Seek you the Bridge of Death. ARTHUR The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? OLD MAN Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha... Scene 13 [spooky music] [music stops] HEAD KNIGHT OF NI Ni! KNIGHTS OF NI Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ARTHUR Who are you? HEAD KNIGHT We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'! RANDOM Ni! ARTHUR No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'! HEAD KNIGHT The same! BEDEVERE Who are they? HEAD KNIGHT We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'! RANDOM Neee-wom! ARTHUR Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! HEAD KNIGHT The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice! ARTHUR Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. HEAD KNIGHT Ni! KNIGHTS OF NI Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!... ARTHUR Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh! HEAD KNIGHT We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR Well, what is it you want? HEAD KNIGHT We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR A what? KNIGHTS OF NI Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ARTHUR and PARTY Ow! Oh! ARTHUR Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive. ARTHUR O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT One that looks nice. ARTHUR Of course. HEAD KNIGHT And not too expensive. ARTHUR Yes. HEAD KNIGHT Now... go! Cartoon [trumpets] CARTOON CHARACTER Hmm hmm-- [boom] Oh! Great scott! Hm. Hmm. [boom] Hm! Hmm. [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] Ohh! [crash] [mumble mumble mumble] [boom] SUN Ay, up! Thsss. [boom] Ayy, up! [boom] Thsss. [boom] Ayy, up! CARTOON CHARACTER Stop that! Stop that! [boom] SUN Ay, up! CARTOON CHARACTER Stop that! [boom] Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off! [sniff] SUN [mumble mumble mumble] [bells] CARTOON CHARACTER Hah. Bloody weather. Scene 14 NARRATOR The Tale of Sir Launcelot. FATHER One day, lad, all this will be yours! PRINCE HERBERT What, the curtains? FATHER No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad. HERBERT But Mother-- FATHER Father, lad. Father. HERBERT B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that. FATHER Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands. HERBERT But I don't want any of that. I'd rather-- FATHER Rather what?! HERBERT I'd rather... [music] ...just... sing! FATHER Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. HERBERT B-- but I don't want land. FATHER Listen, Alice,-- HERBERT Herbert. FATHER 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. HERBERT But-- but I don't like her. FATHER Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land. HERBERT I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain,... special... something! FATHER Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. GUARD #1 Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER No, no. Until I come and get him. GUARD #1 Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. FATHER No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1 And you'll come and get him. GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER Right. GUARD #1 We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room. FATHER No, no. Leaving the room. GUARD #1 Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff] FATHER All right? GUARD #1 Right. GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER Right. GUARD #1 Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we-- FATHER Yes? What is it? GUARD #1 Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh-- FATHER Look, it's quite simple. GUARD #1 Uh... FATHER You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER Right. GUARD #1 Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us? FATHER N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-- GUARD #1 Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-- FATHER No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-- GUARD #1 Until you or anyone else-- FATHER No, not anyone else. Just me. GUARD #1 Just you. GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER Get back. GUARD #1 Get back. FATHER All right? GUARD #1 Right. We'll stay here until you get back. GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. GUARD #1 What? FATHER Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1 The Prince? FATHER Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1 Oh, yes, of course. GUARD #2 Hic! GUARD #1 Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. FATHER Is that clear? GUARD #2 Hic! GUARD #1 Oh, quite clear. No problems. FATHER Right. Where are you going? GUARD #1 We're coming with you. FATHER No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave. GUARD #1 Oh, I see. Right. HERBERT But Father! FATHER Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing! GUARD #2 Hic! FATHER Oh, go and get a glass of water. [clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong] Scene 15 LAUNCELOT Well taken, Concorde! CONCORDE Thank you, sir! Most kind. LAUNCELOT And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde! [thwonk] CONCORDE Message for you, sir. [fwump] LAUNCELOT Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! CONCORDE Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir. LAUNCELOT Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! CONCORDE I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir. LAUNCELOT Oh, I see. CONCORDE Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir-- LAUNCELOT No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh] CONCORDE Idiom, sir? LAUNCELOT Idiom! CONCORDE No, I feel fine, actually, sir. LAUNCELOT Farewell, sweet Concorde! CONCORDE I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16 [inside castle] PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS [giggle giggle giggle] [outside castle] GUEST 'Morning! SENTRY #1 'Morning. SENTRY #2 Oooh. SENTRY #1 [ptoo] LAUNCELOT Ha ha! Hiyya! SENTRY #2 Hey! LAUNCELOT Hiyya!, Ha!, etc. PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS [giggle giggle giggle] LAUNCELOT Ha ha! Huy! GUESTS Uuh! Aaah! LAUNCELOT Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!... GUARD #1 Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh! LAUNCELOT O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. HERBERT You got my note! LAUNCELOT Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note. HERBERT You've come to rescue me! LAUNCELOT Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't-- HERBERT I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... [music] LAUNCELOT Well, I-- HERBERT ...there must be... someone... FATHER Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you? HERBERT I'm your son! FATHER No, not you. LAUNCELOT Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir. HERBERT He's come to rescue me, Father. LAUNCELOT Well, let's not jump to conclusions. FATHER Did you kill all those guards? LAUNCELOT Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry. FATHER They cost fifty pounds each! LAUNCELOT Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything. HERBERT Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope all ready. FATHER You killed eight wedding guests in all! LAUNCELOT Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. FATHER I can understand that. HERBERT Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! FATHER Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! LAUNCELOT Well, I really didn't mean to... FATHER Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! LAUNCELOT Oh, dear. Is he all right? FATHER You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! LAUNCELOT Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- FATHER Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? HERBERT Hurry, Sir Launcelot! LAUNCELOT Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. FATHER Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country. LAUNCELOT Is it? HERBERT Hurry! I'm ready! FATHER Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? LAUNCELOT Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,... HERBERT I am ready! LAUNCELOT ...um, I mean to be so understanding. [thonk] Um,... [woosh] HERBERT Oooh! LAUNCELOT ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. FATHER Oh, don't worry about that. HERBERT Oooh! [splat] Scene 17 GUESTS [crying] FATHER Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room. GUEST There he is! FATHER Oh, bloody hell. LAUNCELOT Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha! FATHER Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please! LAUNCELOT Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone. GUEST #1 He's killed the best man! GUESTS [yelling] FATHER Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. LAUNCELOT Hello. GUEST He killed my auntie! GUESTS [yelling] FATHER Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. GUESTS Oh! Oh, no! FATHER But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! [clap clap clap] For, since the tragic death of her father-- GUEST #2 He's not quite dead! FATHER Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- GUEST #2 He's getting better! FATHER For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him. BRIDE'S FATHER Uugh! GUEST #2 Oh, he's died! FATHER And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense. [clap clap clap] And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot-- LAUNCELOT What? GUEST #2 Look! The dead Prince! GUESTS Oooh! The dead Prince! CONCORDE He's not quite dead. HERBERT No, I feel much better. FATHER You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep! HERBERT No, I was saved at the last minute. FATHER How?! HERBERT Well, I'll tell you. [music] FATHER Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... FATHER Shut uuup! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell!... FATHER Shut up! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell!... FATHER Shut up! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell!... FATHER Not like that! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... CONCORDE Quickly, sir! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell!... CONCORDE Come this way! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... LAUNCELOT No! It's not right for my idiom! GUESTS [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape... LAUNCELOT I must escape more... [sigh] GUESTS [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,... CONCORDE Dramatically, sir? LAUNCELOT Dramatically! GUESTS [singing] But he's here with us today... LAUNCELOT Heee! Hoa! [crash] Hoo! GUESTS [singing] What a wonderful escape! LAUNCELOT Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please? Scene 18 [King Arthur music] [clop clop clop] [rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!] ARTHUR Old crone! [rewr!] [music stops] Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord] OLD CRONE Who sent you? ARTHUR The Knights Who Say 'Ni'. CRONE Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ARTHUR If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'. CRONE Agh! Do your worst! ARTHUR Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni! CRONE No! Never! No shrubberies! ARTHUR Ni! CRONE [cough] BEDEVERE Nu! ARTHUR No, no, no, no, i-- BEDEVERE Nu! ARTHUR No, it's not that. It's 'ni'. BEDEVERE Nu! ARTHUR No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No. BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR That's it. That's it. You've got it. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE Ni! CRONE Ohh! BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR Ni! CRONE Agh! BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR Ni! BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR Ni! BEDEVERE Ni! ROGER THE SHRUBBER Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman? ARTHUR Erm,... yes. ROGER Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR Did you say 'shrubberies'? ROGER Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEVERE Ni! ARTHUR No! No, no, no! No! Scene 19 ARTHUR O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD KNIGHT It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem. ARTHUR What is that? HEAD KNIGHT We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'. KNIGHTS OF NI Ni! Shh! HEAD KNIGHT Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang- zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'. RANDOM Ni! HEAD KNIGHT Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'? HEAD KNIGHT Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR Not another shrubbery! RANDOM Ni! HEAD KNIGHT Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. KNIGHTS OF NI A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!... HEAD KNIGHT Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord] KNIGHTS OF NI A herring! ARTHUR We shall do no such thing! HEAD KNIGHT Oh, please! ARTHUR Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word. ARTHUR What word? HEAD KNIGHT I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear. ARTHUR How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT You said it again! ARTHUR What, 'is'? KNIGHTS OF NI Agh! No, not 'is'. HEAD KNIGHT No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'. KNIGHTS OF NI No, not 'is'. Not 'is'. BEDEVERE My liege, it's Sir Robin! MINSTREL [singing] Packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge. ARTHUR Sir Robin! ROBIN My liege! It's good to see you. HEAD KNIGHT Now he's said the word! ARTHUR Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up-- ROBIN Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it. HEAD KNIGHT He said the word again! KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! ROBIN I was looking for it. KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! ROBIN Uh, here-- here in this forest. ARTHUR No, it is far from this place. KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word... ARTHUR Oh, stop it! KNIGHTS OF NI ...we cannot hear! HEAD KNIGHT Ow! He said it again! ARTHUR Patsy! HEAD KNIGHT Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh! KNIGHTS OF NI Aaaaugh! Narrative Interlude NARRATOR And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS Yay! Yay! [woosh] NARRATOR In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. MINSTREL [high-pitched] Get back! Eee! NARRATOR And there was much rejoicing. KNIGHTS Yay! NARRATOR A year passed. CARTOON CHARACTER [shivering] NARRATOR Winter changed into Spring. CARTOON CHARACTER Mmm, nice. NARRATOR Spring changed into Summer. CARTOON CHARACTER Oh. Ahh. NARRATOR Summer changed back into Winter,... CARTOON CHARACTER Oh? NARRATOR ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. CARTOON CHARACTER Aah. [snap] Oh! Waa! NARRATOR Until one day... Scene 20 [King Arthur music] [clop clop clop] [music stops] [boom] KNIGHTS Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh. ARTHUR Knights! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [squeak] [boom boom boom boom] What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? TIM THE ENCHANTER I... am an enchanter. ARTHUR By what name are you known? TIM There are some who call me... 'Tim'? ARTHUR Greetings, Tim the Enchanter. TIM Greetings, King Arthur! ARTHUR You know my name? TIM I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Grail! ARTHUR That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. TIM Quite. [pweeng boom] [clap clap clap] ROBIN Oh. ARTHUR Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. KNIGHTS Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm. ARTHUR And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it. BEDEVERE Yes, we are. GALAHAD Yeah. ROBIN We are. We are. BEDEVERE We have been for some time. ROBIN Ages. BEDEVERE Umhm. ARTHUR Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful. GALAHAD Look, can you tell us where-- [boom] ARTHUR Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh-- TIM A what...? ARTHUR A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g-- TIM A grail?! ARTHUR Yes, I think so. ROBIN Y-- y-- yes. ARTHUR Yes. GALAHAD Yup. KNIGHTS That's it... TIM Yes! ROBIN Oh. ARTHUR Oh. Thank you. ROBIN Ahh. GALAHAD Oh. Fine. ARTHUR Thank you. ROBIN Splendid. KNIGHTS Aah... [boom pweeng boom boom] ARTHUR Look, um, you're a busy man, uh-- TIM Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. KNIGHTS Oh, thank you. Oh... TIM To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. ARTHUR Where could we find this cave, O Tim? TIM Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. ARTHUR What an eccentric performance. Scene 21 [clop clop clop] [whinny whinny] GALAHAD They're nervous, sire. ARTHUR Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! TIM Behold the cave of Caerbannog! ARTHUR Right! Keep me covered. GALAHAD What with? ARTHUR W-- just keep me covered. TIM Too late! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR What? TIM There he is! ARTHUR Where? TIM There! ARTHUR What, behind the rabbit? TIM It is the rabbit. ARTHUR You silly sod! TIM What? ARTHUR You got us all worked up! TIM Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! ARTHUR Ohh. TIM That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! ROBIN You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared! TIM Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! GALAHAD Get stuffed! TIM He'll do you up a treat, mate. GALAHAD Oh, yeah? ROBIN You mangy Scots git! TIM I'm warning you! ROBIN What's he do, nibble your bum? TIM He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! ARTHUR Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! BORS Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! TIM Look! [squeak] BORS Aaaugh! [dramatic chord] [clunk] ARTHUR Jesus Christ! TIM I warned you! ROBIN I done it again! TIM I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-- ARTHUR Oh, shut up! TIM Do they listen to me? ARTHUR Right! TIM Oh, no... KNIGHTS Charge! [squeak squeak squeak] KNIGHTS Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc. ARTHUR Run away! Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! Run away!... TIM Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha! ARTHUR Right. How many did we lose? LAUNCELOT Gawain. GALAHAD Ector. ARTHUR And Bors. That's five. GALAHAD Three, sir. ARTHUR Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite. ROBIN Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? ARTHUR Oh, shut up and go and change your armour. GALAHAD Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. ARTHUR Like what? GALAHAD Well... ooh. LAUNCELOT Have we got bows? ARTHUR No. LAUNCELOT We have the Holy Hand Grenade. ARTHUR Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! MONKS [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. ARTHUR How does it, um-- how does it work? LAUNCELOT I know not, my liege. ARTHUR Consult the Book of Armaments! BROTHER MAYNARD Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one. SECOND BROTHER And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-- MAYNARD Skip a bit, Brother. SECOND BROTHER And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.' MAYNARD Amen. KNIGHTS Amen. ARTHUR Right! One!... Two!... Five! GALAHAD Three, sir! ARTHUR Three! [angels sing] [boom] Scene 22 ARTHUR There! Look! LAUNCELOT What does it say? GALAHAD What language is that? ARTHUR Brother Maynard! You are a scholar. MAYNARD It's Aramaic! GALAHAD Of course! Joseph of Arimathea! LAUNCELOT 'Course! ARTHUR What does it say? MAYNARD It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'. ARTHUR What? MAYNARD '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'. BEDEVERE What is that? MAYNARD He must have died while carving it. LAUNCELOT Oh, come on! MAYNARD Well, that's what it says. ARTHUR Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it! MAYNARD Well, that's what's carved in the rock! GALAHAD Perhaps he was dictating. ARTHUR Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? MAYNARD No. Just, 'aaaaaagggh'. LAUNCELOT Aaaauugggh. ARTHUR Aaaaaggh. BEDEVERE Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue? GALAHAD Where's that? BEDEVERE France, I think. LAUNCELOT Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall? ARTHUR No, that's 'Saint Ives'. LAUNCELOT Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives. KNIGHTS Iiiiives. BEDEVERE Oooohoohohooo! LAUNCELOT No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh. BEDEVERE N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm. LAUNCELOT Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'! BEDEVERE Yes, but I-- aaaaaah! ARTHUR Oooh! GALAHAD My God! [dramatic chord] [roar] MAYNARD It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh! [Black Beast of Aaauugh eats BROTHER MAYNARD] BEDEVERE That's it! That's it! ARTHUR Run away! KNIGHTS Run away! [roar] Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay! [roar] Keep running! [boom] [roar] Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!... BEDEVERE We've lost him. [roar] KNIGHTS Aagh! NARRATOR As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. ANIMATOR Ulk! [thump] NARRATOR The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could continue. Scene 23 [gurgle] GALAHAD There it is! ARTHUR The Bridge of Death! ROBIN Oh, great. ARTHUR Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four! BEDEVERE What is he doing here? ARTHUR He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- GALAHAD Three questions. ARTHUR Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- GALAHAD Three questions. ARTHUR Three questions may cross in safety. ROBIN What if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN Oh, I won't go. GALAHAD Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR Sir Robin! ROBIN Yes? ARTHUR Brave Sir Robin, you go. ROBIN Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? LAUNCELOT Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-- ARTHUR No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-- GALAHAD Three questions. ARTHUR Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray. LAUNCELOT I understand, my liege. ARTHUR Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. BRIDGEKEEPER Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. LAUNCELOT Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your name? LAUNCELOT My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your quest? LAUNCELOT To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your favourite colour? LAUNCELOT Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER Right. Off you go. LAUNCELOT Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. ROBIN That's easy! BRIDGEKEEPER Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. ROBIN Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your name? ROBIN 'Sir Robin of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your quest? ROBIN To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] ROBIN I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER Stop! What... is your name? GALAHAD 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your quest? GALAHAD I seek the Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your favourite colour? GALAHAD Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? ARTHUR It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is your quest? ARTHUR To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! BEDEVERE How do know so much about swallows? ARTHUR Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. [suspenseful music] [music suddenly stops] [intermission] [suspenseful music resumes] Scene 24 ARTHUR Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot! BEDEVERE Launcelot! Launcelot! ARTHUR Launcelot! [police radio] Launcelot! BEDEVERE Launcelot! Launcelot! [angels sing] [singing stops] [ethereal music] ARTHUR The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy-- [twong] [baaaa] Jesus Christ! [thud] FRENCH GUARD Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time! ARTHUR How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us! FRENCH GUARD How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters. ARTHUR In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! FRENCH GUARD No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! ARTHUR If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of God and the glory of our-- [splat] FRENCH GUARDS [laughing] ARTHUR Agh. Right! That settles it! FRENCH GUARD Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha! ARTHUR Walk away. Just ignore them. FRENCH GUARD And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt! FRENCH GUARDS [taunting] ARTHUR We shall attack at once! BEDEVERE Yes, my liege! ARTHUR Stand by for attack! [exciting music] [music stops] [silence] French persons! FRENCH GUARDS [taunting] ...Dappy!... ARTHUR Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,... FRENCH GUARDS Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!... ARTHUR ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen! FRENCH GUARDS ...Ha ha ha!... ARTHUR Charge! ARMY OF KNIGHTS Hooray! [police siren] HISTORIAN'S WIFE Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure. INSPECTOR Come on. Anybody armed must go, too. OFFICER #1 All right. Come on. Back. HISTORIAN'S WIFE Get that one. OFFICER #1 Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along. INSPECTOR Put this man in the van. OFFICER #1 Clear off. Come on. BEDEVERE With whom? INSPECTOR Which one? OFFICER #1 Oh-- this one. INSPECTOR Come on. Put him in the van. OFFICER #2 Get a blanket. OFFICER #1 We have no hospital. RANDOM Ahh. [squeak] RANDOM Ooh. OFFICER #1 Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! OFFICER #2 Run along! Run along! OFFICER #1 Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. OFFICER #2 Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. INSPECTOR Everything? [squeak] OFFICER #1 All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in. [crash] CAMERAMAN Christ! THE END