For three weeks and three nights she waits and weeps spilling tears of dispear that fall unnoticed on to the barren land neath the outcrop, known locally as The Devil's Terrific Outcrop. Drained and desperate she makes her way wearily to a nearby pub, slowly she opens the gnarled and twisted timbers that maketh the door of the pub known locally as The Devil's Gnarled and Twisted Timber Door and enters
'My Laird, will ye not find my wee bairn for me?' she cries for it is he. But mercy is not upon his menu this night for he dines with a headless pig upon wee Jamie McCrylic, the child of the virgin of the outcrop known locally as The Devil's Terrific Outcrop.
What days were these when justice was a whip and chain, a rat-filled well and a curse uttered from the swollen lips of a bloated pox-ridden landlord hell bent on sexual athleticism and filling his gout-filled thighs with heroin and gin?
And let us now re-create those days as we enter the rubicon, handbag, marrowfat tick-tock world of Judge Lionel Nutmeg for
Vic: What do we want? JUSTICE!
Judge Nutmeg: Oh yay! Let all persons who have any manner of buisness before the twisted court of Judge Nutmeg, gather forth and give me your attention. God bless Wayne Sleep!
Vic: What do we need? A DEFENDANT!
I .................................. (INSERT YOUR NAME HERE)
swear on the honour of Clarence The Cross-Eyed Lion that I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Judge Nutmeg: As if you would, you recidivist peasant. Let's have a look at your criminal record. Contrary to your claims of innocence, it says here that you:
Judge Nutmeg: Why do they do it? Why do they do it?
Vic: What do we want? JUSTICE! Judge Nutmeg: What do we need?
Vic: THE WHEEL OF JUSTICE! Bring on the wheel!
Vic: What do we do with the wheel of justice?COMB ITS HAIR! Let's have a look at the punishments on my gorgeous penal wheel.
Judge Nutmeg: Spin the wheel, you deformed and dangerous crofter!
Vic and Judge Nutmeg: SPIN, SPIN, SPIN THE WHEEL OF JUSTICE. SEE HOW FAST THE BASTARD TURNS.
JUDGE NUTMEG CV
His rise was meteoric and greeted infamy with open arms as he developed the Nutmeg Penal Code.
Extract:
Arbitary destruction of all woodland.
All deers to be clamped and pounded with golf and hockey balls.
All menus to commence with crabsticks.
The poor to be forced to wear traffic cones on their heads and be employed to detonate landmines at Goodwood Racecourse.
Judge Nutmeg now lives at 1715 Crofton Avenue, Bath, Glos. with a young Turkish boy and a little Scottish terrier called Mengelies. He has no children.
He holidays in Eastern Europe, Libya and Mesopotamia and has a vast collection of antiques.