"Happy Wanderer" For an acknowledgment of those who have sent me jokes, see the HATS OFF PAGE. THESE WILL GET YOU STARTED A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. Accupuncture is a jab well done. Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a big rock. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. After all is said and done, more is usually said than done. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. You know you're in trouble when you take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. NOW THAT'S A LOT OF EGGS! The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1." Borrowed from: www.yes-i-believe.com/ THE LANGUAGE OF GOLF An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play with someone. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". "I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand." What do you call a man with a shovel in his head. Doug.What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Dougless. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk! The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. Her name is pronounced Peek-A-Boo. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU." There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A husband and wife are in bed one morning. He takes her hand but she says, "Don’t touch me." He says, "Why not?" and she answers, "Because I’m dead." The husband says: "What are you talking about? We’re lying here talking to one another." The wife says: "No, I know I’m definitely dead." Her husband insists: "You’re not dead. What makes you think you’re dead?" His wife answers: "I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."-- Sun City West SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE A Jewish man moves into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically go crazy -- because while they're morosely eating only fish, the Jew is in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones, "Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic: no more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But come the following Friday, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to *remind* him of his new diet. They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkles water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish!" - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com A zoology major was told to provide an exhaustive study about fleas. He laboriously trained a medium-sized flea to jump over his finger every time he said "Hupp." Then he pulled off two of the flea's six legs. "Hupp," he grunted. The flea jumped over his finger. Off came two more legs. "Hupp," repeated the student. Again the flea jumped. Then he pulled off the flea's last two legs. Alas, the flea no longer moved. The student nodded sagely, and wrote in his report: "When a flea loses all six of its legs, it becomes deaf." TEACHER TO STUDENT TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper. JOHN: I hope you didn't either. GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. EFFECTIVENESS "I'm planning a salary increase for you," the boss said."And when does it become effective?""Just as soon as you do." A COMPLETE COURSE As an aid to self-evaluation, one of my teaching colleagues at Merced College in California always included this question on his final exam: "What did you think of this course?" He discontinued the practice when he received the following response: "This was the most complete course I ever took. Anything we didn't go over during class was covered in the final exam." BIBLE QUESTIONS AND A STORY Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharoah's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. A. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Q. Samson; he really brought the house down. A young boy was being taught the story of Sodom and Gamorrah one morning in Sunday School. The teacher was explaining how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. The story evidently sat well with the boy because he excitedly raised his hand at the conclusion of the story and told his teacher, "My mom did the same thing last week. She was driving down the road, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole." -- As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com LOOK OUT! As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280 .... Please be careful!" "Shoot," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" PROPER PERSPECTIVE A friend of mine needed an operation, and his own son was to perform the surgery. As the older man lay on the operating table awaiting anesthesia, he told his offspring, "John, to put this in proper perspective, I want you to know one thing. If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." NOT ME! My friend is an avid listener to our city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while dressing, he heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it." There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started." SNAPPY REPLY The story goes that an Army major had just arrived at his dury assignment in Germany and was passing through the cafeteria line in the officers' mess. Confronted by a wide array of choices, he asked an enlisted man behind the counter, "What's good here, soldier?" Back came the snappy reply, "The discipline, sir!" OLD ENOUGH A woman in a local company's Sales Unit was promoted to supervisor, and some older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority. While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father." "And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor!" GET OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT A woman appealed to the state Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary. "What is he in for?" asked the Governor. "For stealing a ham," she replied. "That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" "No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty lazy." "Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he?" "No, he's not. Truth be told, he's pretty mean to us." "Why would you want a man like that out of prison?!?" The governor asked in disbelief. "Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell now....!" Laugh-a-Lot Joke Compilations (c)1998 THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. It said, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:20 The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation: "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." - Genesis 3:10 - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com WANT MORE JOKES? THERE'S PLENTY MORE.FOR PAGE 2, JUST CLICK HERE. There's also a very short but terrific fish joke about the middle of the Fly Fishing In Central California Page. MOST OF THE GRAPHIC IMAGES ON THIS PAGE ARE COPYRIGHT BY ARTTODAY. LINKS TO FUNNY WEB SITES A lot of funny jokes for Senior Citizens!These are good!! Babistars Fun Page. Charm's Blonde Jokes from Charmaine's Place in Space. Some Gentle Religious Humor. Jon from England has some Excellent British Humour Here. These are Funny Religious Jokes from the Mining Co Religious Page These are Children's Letters to God. Really Cute. This Is The JOKES 1 PAGE.Just Click On A Box To Go To Another Page.Click On The SITE MAP For A Brief Summary Of All The Pages. Home Page Site Map My Life Fly Fishing Jokes, p.1 Jokes, p.2 Jokes, p.3 Jokes, p.4 Hats Off Page My Religion Friends' Banners My Banner Gardening Web Rings Merced California Notes Quotes and Stories Graphics Links Awards Fun Things to Do SIGN MY GUEST BOOK VIEW MY GUEST BOOK This Page © 1998 -- 2009 by the 4 Star Listening Post Please come and visit again. If you do not hear the music and you want a LiveUpDate Crescendo Plug-In, Click Here.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
Accupuncture is a jab well done.
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a big rock.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
After all is said and done, more is usually said than done.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
You know you're in trouble when you take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."
Borrowed from: www.yes-i-believe.com/
An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play with someone.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". "I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand."
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Dougless.
She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."
Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones, "Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic: no more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But come the following Friday, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to *remind* him of his new diet. They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkles water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish!"
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
A. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Q. Samson; he really brought the house down.
A young boy was being taught the story of Sodom and Gamorrah one morning in Sunday School. The teacher was explaining how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
The story evidently sat well with the boy because he excitedly raised his hand at the conclusion of the story and told his teacher, "My mom did the same thing last week. She was driving down the road, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole."
"Shoot," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation: "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." - Genesis 3:10
There's also a very short but terrific fish joke about the middle of the Fly Fishing In Central California Page.
MOST OF THE GRAPHIC IMAGES ON THIS PAGE ARE COPYRIGHT BY ARTTODAY.
Babistars Fun Page.
Charm's Blonde Jokes from Charmaine's Place in Space.
Some Gentle Religious Humor.
Jon from England has some Excellent British Humour Here.
These are Funny Religious Jokes from the Mining Co Religious Page
These are Children's Letters to God. Really Cute.
SIGN MY GUEST BOOK VIEW MY GUEST BOOK
This Page © 1998 -- 2009 by the 4 Star Listening Post
Please come and visit again.
If you do not hear the music and you want a LiveUpDate Crescendo Plug-In, Click Here.
