4 STAR BARREL OF JOKES PAGE 2

"Runaway"

You know you're in trouble when the pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING A professor was giving a big exam one day to her students. She handed out all of the tests and went back to her desk to wait. Once the exam was over, the students all handed in their tests. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class period the professor handed the tests back out. The student in question got his graded test back . . . and $64 in change. Thanks to Carolyn Coakley-Hickerson for this one

A Novel Way to Get a Wife At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." Thanks to Pat Jones for this one

A Lawyer, a Rabbi, and a Hindu A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!" That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. Thanks to beliefnet

Senior Marriage Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes." Jacob: "Wečre about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsončs disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Well, that's just the ticket. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." Thanks to Mert Beuerman

Getting Older As an older businessman, my luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty....buteverything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + ShihTzu Oh, never mind.....

It's PRINTED RIGHT THERE A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

HERE ARE SOME EPITAPHS ON GRAVESTONES ****************************** Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 ***************************** In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. ****************************** In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went

COFFEE KLATCH Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'" From Heather in Grandparents' Web Ring Newsletter

A PRACTICAL REASON FOR GETTING MARRIED

I was talking to an elderly lady friend the other day, and she was so excited. She said to me, "I'm getting married, you know." "Really," I said, "I know you are particular when it comes to men, so he must have a sparkling personality." "No," she said, "he is quite ordinary." "Well then, he must be really good looking." "No," she replied, "he looks quite ordinary." "Then if he doesn't have a sparkling personality and he isn't really handsome, he must be very rich." "No," she sighed, "he has very little money really." "Well why in the world would you marry this man?" I asked. Smiling, she said, "Because he can still drive at night."

CHRISTMAS CARD COMPLICATION

A woman goes to the post office to buy her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas cards?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me six Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

JUST LIKE A NEWBORN BABY

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entryway when one turns to the other and says,"Slim, I'm 77 years old now, and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." The other man says, "Really, like a newborn baby?" Slim says, "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

SEPARATING THE OIL

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer....Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. And the reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. But all our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

IT'S OKAY

At the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note, which read "Take only one. Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven Beside the bowl was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read: "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."

DOUBLE TROUBLE

At a musical evening, a woman was rendering a song, and one of the guests leaned towards the man next to him and whispered, "What an awful voice. I wonder who she is?" "She is my wife," replied the other stiffly.
"Oh, I'm awfully sorry," apologized the first. "Of course it isn't really her voice that's bad, but the terrible stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that ghastly song?" "I did," came the even stiffer reply.

IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

A surgeon was making his rounds in the hospital, and he checked on a patient who had had a hernia operation three days before. The Doctor asked the man why he hadn't yet gotten out of bed. "I'm sore, doc," was the reply."You don't know how it feels." "I know exactly how it feels," the surgeon answered briskly."I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later.There's no difference in our operations." "Yes there is," replied the patient."You had a different surgeon."

THAT'S TRUE FOR BABIES

A bit of talcum Is always walcum. -- Ogden Nash

I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with beautiful brown hair and brown eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

THANKS TO MIZ BEE FOR THIS ONE

Sign on a farmer's fence: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free but the bull charges."

HORSE STORIES.

In the good old days, when you wanted a horse to stand still, you tied him to a hitching-post. Today you place a bet on him. Then there was the chap who went to the horse races, made a "mental bet" and lost his mind. "Do you know what happens to the horses I follow?" "No, what?" "They follow the other horses."

THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." - From the 6th-Sense mailing list

A REAL STORY--NO KIDDING!

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. Thanks Chari for this one

MARRIAGE AND ROMANCE

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some wise ones believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies. Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man! Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something the woman said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes....

THE FUNNY SIDE OF FOOTBALL

A quote by Former Quarterback Joe Theisman: "Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?" "Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" - As told by laughalot Joke Compilations (c)1998!

YES, THEY PROLIFERATE

A bee is such a busy soul He has no time for birth control So that is why, In times like these There are so many Sons Of Bees.

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