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My Adoption Story

I am a 34 year old mom of five kids and very proud to call them my own. I'm at a place in my life now to where I am reflecting so much on my past and things that have happened to me. Let me give you a little history, I met my first husband when I was 15, we had two kids together a son and a daughter by the time I was 19. There were things going on and I just couldn't cope so I left the marriage. I later found out I was suffering from post pardon depression after having my son.  I met a man soon after that; I lived with him for a year and soon after our breakup I found out I was pregnant. I really didn't know what I was going to do, I was already in a tug a war with my children's father fighting over custody. I just felt I couldn't do this to another child, that there had to be a better life for the little one I carried. I was so new to adoption, I really didn't have a clue about the laws.  I listened to the social worker that handled my case because I didn't know who else to. I was always told it was the most unselfish thing I could do. She showed me pictures of couples and gave a little info. on each. When I saw my sons adopted parents I knew they were the ones, and I still feel that to this day.  I went into labor and gave birth to a son, the social worker asked if I wanted the parents to come to the hospital, I said no, give me this little time with my son alone.  I also thought it would be best if we didn't met, that they would feel more at ease. Now I wished I would of had them around or at least met them before. I spent two days with my baby and when it was time to go it was heartbreaking, my mother which was no help did her best because my knees where giving way. My son was crying and I was crying.  It was from the get go that  I wanted my baby back but I kept telling myself how could I do that to the couple who had him. I never was a peace with the decision to place him. Maybe me having more time before they were pushing me to sign the papers, they were in my room only hours after me giving birth.   So I did what I could to move on, I went out to clubs and tried to drink the hurt away, I buried it all for about 2 years. I hurt so bad and longed to have my son back in my arms again.  The adopted parents where sending me letters and pictures keeping me updated on how he was. Then one day it was like a ton of bricks hit me all at once. I came to really realize the lose I was feeling but there was nothing that I could do but try and get my life back on the right track. Little did I know how hard that was going to be. I met and married another man and had another son and daughter. For some reason when my son was around four years old the adopted couple just stopped sending any photos or letters, and I kept asking them with no luck. I have a deep respect for this couple for taking my son and raising him as their own. I know they provided him with a loving home and that's what counts. The agency told me to keep writing my son and then maybe one day if he wants his file he will see that I have always cared. My second marriage lasted 6 years. After that I still felt like I was on such a down hill course of self destruct. Because of failed relationships and trying to do what was best for my kids I am now only raising my last child. A year ago I did something I've never done before, I moved out of state and started a new life, it wasn't easy cause I was leaving behind my kids except for the little one I felt if I didn't do something then I would never be any good to my kids, that I was so tired of hurting myself and everyone else. What some may look at as a bad thing to do by moving away it was the best thing for me. I started doing some research on birth mothers and wow I was amazed that there are so many birth mothers that have had, failed relationships over and over, low self esteem, trouble bonding, they just never get over the lose of the child they placed for adopted. The more research I did the more driven I became and the more at peace I was feeling, that there was really a reason why my life has been messed up. I've reflected so much on the past and realized how the agency didn't tell me all the pros and cons of adoption, that no one told me about open adoption.  In my search, I found a website and chat room for adoption, it was the first time that I was able to speak to others who were going through some of the things I was and was able to talk to adopted children and adopted parents, it has been a wonderful support group for me. So as I sit and wait for the years to pass by before I can begin my search for my son, I feel that I have lost out on so much with my other kids, I can never give back to them what they have missed and that would be time with me. So that is why this site is dedicated to you, my 5 angels, and maybe as you read this and the other pages, the research, you will come to understand that I have always loved you and that I'm so sorry for not always being the mom that you needed. I just never knew until recently how deep the scars go and the price I had to pay for giving my son a better chance. I am not against adoption at all, its a wonderful thing, but this is my story and how I feel, and for me I wished I wasn't in the adoption connection at all. I'm sorry if this page is so long and I know that there is a lot I've left out. But I will be updated my site as I go along and remember this is my first try at a website. Please go to my favorites and look at the pages and research to maybe understand more on adopted. Open adoption just started around that time and I really didn't understand it all, that if I really wanted to I could of asked to have some kind of contact with the family. I just thought that once I signed papers it would be the end, or in my head I felt at least till he was grown and could make up his own mind.  Don't be like me afraid to really do the research and ask the question. Now that the internet is available there is so much that someone can find out before making a decision that will last forever.  I didn't have that at the time.

Update: August 21, 2006

Cory and I were united on August 13th. We spend a couple of days together and it was so wonderful. The whole visit was very comfortable.  The past is in the past now and we will move forward; building our own new relationship together, mother and son. Our relationship will be different than the one he has with his other mom but that's ok. He just looks at it has he has two mom. He really is a great kid. 

We'll just take one day at a time. 

Update: June 1, 2006

My son Cory will be turning 19 next month and I just found him on May 11th.  I found him online one day. My heart just stopped for a minute, all I could do was cry. My oldest child Rachel heard me and came down to see what was the matter with me, when she saw the page she knew. My youngest Olivia kept asking "mom are you sure that's him?"  I kept telling her I can look at Cory's picture and I know that's my son. A mother knows her child.  Now that I found him what was I going to do about it. I was so scared to send a message to him, so afraid of the rejection. Both the girls looked at me and I knew what they wanted, I told them they could do what they wanted. They both sent him a message. We waited and thank God Cory responded right away, he was shocked of course.  The next day of me finding him, Olivia had him on of the messengers, she asked him if he wanted to talk to mom; he said yes and all I could do was cry. My son wasn't going to reject me! I talked to him on the phone a few times and just to hear his voice makes my day. Cory's had a good life and is in college now. He has welcomed us into his life and wants to get to know his other family. He made me cry one day when I told him I didn't know what to call myself and he said to call myself MOM because that is who I am. It's very hard to have patience right now, I just want to see him face to face again. Right now he's back home for the summer and will return back to college in August so I am hoping then he will be ready to want to meet face to face. I always have to hold myself back because I always want to call him or send him messages but I don't want to overwhelm him or push him away. I think in time we will all settle into a nice relationship together. I just have to let go of the fear of losing him again. It's hard because no matter how happy life is right now, it hasn't erased the past and the pain of all the years I missed. I know in time things will change that, there's just so many emotions at this moment.  I keep updating along the way.

Thank you God for allowing me a second chance with my son!