Here are some stupid e-mails that I've received from my friends, and I decided to post them here since they're funny and you might want to sent them to your friends too, enjoy

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."

if a kid asks where rain comes from, i think a cute thing to tell him is " God is crying ". And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did".

Fact:
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
Fact:
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop for directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS ANDBREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (they're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE? (so he can tell if he's coming or going)
11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (nobody knows, since it has never happened)
12. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. (Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)

Cute.....I guess, a similar study on the ladies will be next....hopefully ....pm. It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent...................187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately............................ 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old..........36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

THE SECRETS OF WOMENS' LANGUAGE
1. FINE This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football / hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows) This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
8. OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night.

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck And the number one thing PMS Stands for........ Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this sh*t anymore!!

26 Things That A Perfect Guy Would Do
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respect your independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know when to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do, just b/c he knows it means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.
26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs-Just because he loves you that much to quit it.

~WOMEN'S ENGLISH~
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to bitch
"Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going to really like me for.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

~MEN'S ENGLISH~
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you?
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you?
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you ?
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too" = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

Mans payback for blond jokes
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
10.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
11.When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
12.Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13.How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
14.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
15.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."