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< the horse zine > /\ /\
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Welcome to the horse zine! Horses have for millenia roamed the earth, but
until now they have been wholly shunned by the zine world, or relegated to
stupid jokes about typos which people love to repeat! Well, no longer shall
our hoofed brethren be shackled or used merely for comedy. Let the horses be
brought to the forefront!
lb
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Contents:
I. "hey ist fur Pferden" by Oregano
II. "When Ponies Grow Up" by skora
III. "The New Chicken of the Sea" by nyar
IV. "A game" by lb
V. "Horses & Little Girls" by maven
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I.
hey ist fur Pferden
by Oregano
When you're throat is horse it is bad. It hurts you and it is
painful and when you talk it is bad. Sometimes it is funny, you talk like a
horse and stuff. Do you know? Horse throat and horse voice can be painful.
Isn't it weird that you cannot talk normal? I guess oyu talk like a horse: a
talking horse. And mom brings you some ice cream and says, "Don't talk, it
will hurt, have some delicious ice cream products."
"Shut up, you stupif kid, I told oyu not to talk, it is silent time, don
't make me hit you."
And oyu eat the ice cream and when you talk it is harder somehow, but
the ice cream is good going down and tasty.
The phone rings and it is Jennifer from school and she has the homework
from class and our teacher, Miss Humphries, said to bring it over to do
homework with a horse throat. Mom says what a nice girl, and be nice to her
and not be mad and stuff about giving oyu school to do when your temperature
is over 100' and your throat hurts so much. And then the lozenges that do
nothing and taste like they are bubbly and stuff. But there are also red
lozenges and those taste good, but mom says to take the menthol instead.
Hi, Jennifer, yeah, it does hurt to talk. No, it really really hurts --
that is why I can't talk too loud. Thanks for the homework, I guess. I did
watch jerry Springer, but shhhh mom should not know, she was playing cards
on her computer. Anyway, mom says you will get sick, so goodbye. Bye
And that is everything, it is what it is like to be horse in the throat
and have a horse voice.
Bye
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II.
When Ponies Grow Up
by skora
I never understood the fascination with horses. As a girl, I think I was
supposed to like them when I was younger. Sure, I was excited when I went to
Indian Princess' Camp and got to go horseback riding but I'm talking about
all the "pretty horsie" stuff that's thrown at little girls. My Little Pony.
What was that? I don't know because I don't think I ever watched it. Yet one
Christmas or birthday, I got a My Little Pony. I remember that it was fun
to brush its rainbow colored hair. But I think I would have liked anything
that had hair I could brush.
When I was 14, I worked at a Pony farm a few times. We took these ponies to
places like kids parties and things. We let the kids ride on the ponies and
we walked around in circles. It was really hot. I got a heat rash. Ponies
sweat, too. One pony got so sweaty that its saddle slipped off while a kid
was on it. Oops.
My mother always told me that ponies were just baby horses. So when I asked,
"So how long until they become horses?" everyone laughed at me. Later on,
when I told my mom that ponies and horses are completely different, she
said, "Oh. I didn't know that." My mom doesn't know a lot of things.
I just never understood what the big deal was about horses.
================================================================================
III.
The New Chicken of the Sea
by nyar
I'm sure you think you know what the chicken of the sea is. The tuna right?
Well, You'd be wrong if you thought that. Maybe in your mom's day it was the
chicken of the sea, but now there is a new bird in town, and that bird is the
sea horse.
A little background on the sea horse, if you'll care to listen. Sea horses
live in warm and temperate waters, in such places as the coasts of the United
States and Australia. They live in relatively shallow waters, at depths of
1-100 feet of water. The range in size somewhere between 6 inches and 1 foot
in length. The eat plankton while hanging on to sea weed.
Now, let's get back to the subject of hand, the deposition of the tuna as the
chicken of the sea, and its replacement by the sea horse. Consider the
following facts:
1) Tuna look nothing like chicken. They have no feathers, no wings, no crest,
no beak, nothing, while sea horses have a beak like mouth! One point for the
sea horse
2) Tuna swim around quickly, and are predatory, while chickens are slow and
eat corn (at least Mr. Purdue says that the proper chicken eats corn!). Sea
horses are slow, and gobble plankton, which is more like corn than the fish
that the tuna eat are. Another point for the sea horse
3) There is lots of useful meat on a tuna, like a chicken, but almost none on
a sea horse. One point for the Tuna fish.
So, there we have it, my friends and associates. By a score of 2 to 1, the sea
horse has become the champion, and the tuna has been removed from office. I
suppose we could call it the pig of the sea, if we wanted. Afterall, pig is
the other white meat.
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IV.
A game
by lb
So a few years ago, the coach of my high school speech team died. I was on the
team for a couple of years and I knew people on it. Most of those people went
on and didn't look back too much, and I was no exception. Though I had always
thought that it might be interesting to go back and be a judge at a tournament,
as other ex-speech people did, out of a feeling of obligation for said coach,
or just for some nostalgia -- to reminisce if indeed the speech experience had
been an enjoyable one.
Anyway, I was in college and having these sorts of thoughts one day when I was
planning to be back in my hometown for a while. For whatever reason, be it a
lack of other plans or wishes, I decided to actually follow through and spend
a single Saturday making minimal money, waking at the crack of dawn and
venturing to some tournament. After all, what's one day in my life?
Upon contacting those at the high school's team, I was thanked graciously for
my interest and asked to be at the school at 5AM. Unfortunately, I awoke a
bit late and made it in at nearly 5:45... to find one selection of students
who were going to depart to a tournament. In fact, this was not the group I
was to accompany, and I was greeted by an angry coach I did not recognize.
The coach noted that he lost his judge to the earlier tourney I should've
judged, and that I must take her place... in this debate tournament. Now,
I've never done debate, but I felt guilty and had already sunk this much
energy into the day, so I went along.
Two hours later, I arrived in Chimera, Illinois, population 217. The debate
tournament was about the lowest caliber, much as everything in the locale.
Many boring details ensued, schedules were shared, and ultimately I felt
worse and worse about my role in this day's festivities. I arrived at my
room and sat waiting for my first round.
Enter two random teenage males, unclear skin, a lack of social graces, and
the cynicism you come to expect of high school debate team members. These
two, whose names turned out to be Otis and John, already grated on my nerves
by trying to follow procedural methods and educate me as to how they thought
things ought run. This was a major mistake.
"You see, sirs, tournaments such as this are ultimately decided by myself.
The rules are never set in stone and a wide latitude is given my
interpretations/readings of any rules. Whatever I write on the paper will
stand. Realize this," I quickly spewed without allowing a word in edgewise.
Otis, dismayed and defiant, clamored back. His long-winded rant did not
impress me, though he did manage to work in quite a few words he'd learned,
probably recently, from his readings in honors english. Furthermore he
must have been studying for standardized tests because he made extensive
use of generic study-words like plethora, though not in the most proper
ways. John chimed in at some points and sealing his fate in much the same
way as his opponent.
You see, I do not take well to people in subordinate positions trying to
bark orders at me.
"What's your topic?" I asked.
Otis stared for a moment and read off of a page, "Be it resolved: The
United States Federal Government should substantially change foreign
policy w..."
Cutting Otis off, I retorted, "No. Here is your topic: Be it resolved:
I could defeat my opponent at a game of horse."
Taken aback, Otis protested but my earlier warnings as to winning
prevailed. "Besides," I noted, "you two ought to be able to think on
your toes enough to win this lively debate."
Man, I sure fucked with them.
lb
P.S. This story isn't true at all. I never did anything regarding the
high school speech team after I quit it my sophomore year.
================================================================================
V.
Horses & Little Girls
by maven
When I was little, I, like most young girls, had a strong fascination with
horses. I had a small collection of Breyer horse models in my room, as
well as a few posters of horses, including a more scientific one given to
me by a teacher. What I most vividly remember though were the many
cartoons I watched, which featured at least one horse as a character in
the show.
First, there was She-Ra, one of my favorite action cartoons, and the
female equivalent of He-Man. Among her many, overly colorful friends was
her winged, "faithful steed" Swift Wind, or more fondly known as Swifty.
He was the most visible of She-Ra's companions, but he didn't talk very
often. Occasional tidbits of horse wisdom was the best he could offer.
Most importantly was the reliable transportation he provided She-Ra. He
was always able to whisk her away, carrying her throughout the land of
Etheria in order to fight the latest villain. This constant, supporting
role made him seem like one of the most important friends.
There were other horses in the show of course, but mostly as second
thoughts for the other characters. I imagine the creators considering all
the merchandising aspects at that point, and saying "Why the hell
shouldn't Catra have a horse too? And Bow, while we're at it?" Thus,
horses like Storm and Arrow were introduced, among the various
transportation animals -- crystal and otherwise -- in the series.
Rainbow Brite was another popular cartoon at the time, featuring Starlite,
the white, rainbow-haired horse who could somehow fly, despite a lack of
wings. Yet again a male horse, Starlite was also Rainbow Brite's main
form of transportation, as well as a source of moral support. He was a
somewhat egotistical horse, but was a larger part of the show, being a
target for the villains, as well as just talking more often.
There were a few other horses in the Rainbow Brite series, but most
appeared later on, either similar in appearance to Starlite, or looking
entirely different, like a robotic horse named On-X that was part of a
later movie. Again, mostly transportation animals.
Of course, a discussion of horses in 80s cartoons can't exclude the
ever-popular My Little Pony. Somewhat different from She-Ra and Rainbow
Brite, My Little Pony had almost all horses, with the exception of a few
human children and random other animals. The overall number of ponies
became rather overwhelming as the series progressed, with at least a
hundred individual characters, each with a corresponding toy available.
The majority of the ponies were girls, with pictures of hearts and stars
and flowers and generally positive symbols on their flanks. Later on in
the series, boy ponies were introduced, each with pictures of soccer balls
and combs (think black, plastic comb in your back jeans pocket, at least
if you wanted to be cool in the 50s) and other boy things on their flanks.
The girls lived in one stable and the boys in an entirely different one,
the latter ponies not appearing too often in the show.
What were these shows trying to say exactly? Aside from the obvious
message of "have your parents buy every single toy and accessory
available", there's a strange message about gender that's so close to the
surface of these shows.
Perhaps it's a coincidence that the main horses in She-Ra and Rainbow
Brite were both male, but they were both constant, dependable, wise, and
supportive characters, whom the female lead clearly needed in order to
solve her problems.
My Little Pony on the other hand, mainly involved female horse characters,
at least for a large part of the show's run. The few male horse
characters were introduced later on, with more stereotypical symbols on
their flanks and greatly outnumbered. Perhaps they were a cover-up for
the My _Lesbian_ Pony organization.