Suicide note
Dear All,
As some of you know I’ve had problems before.
Depressed – I’ve cut myself for 3 years (or more).
It was the only release – the only escape.
But I relapsed in July, after quitting in May!
It’s nobody’s fault (but my own) that I cut,
I’ve been feeling so fragile and I’m just so screwed up!
Apart from my past (my grandad and dad)
The last 16 months are the worst that I’ve had.
Don’t get me wrong I’d never blame her,
But it’s ever since Nome died this feeling got worse!
Now Miche has a boyfriend, I don’t think she cares!
The meds took the her that always was there!
I don’t think that Hayley, Claire, Jamie or Bec
Understood what was wrong, never saw me in wreck!
This time I cut it’s not like before.
I think about it (all the time) I always want more.
But worse than all this: I’m crying again.
I stopped for a long time. Denying the pain!
If cutting brings happiness – I don’t understand!
Ends justify means, so why’s it so bad??
I snapped my knife before, when I stopped.
An open razor blade is now how I cut.
To get at the blade took me forever –
You’d think by then I’d have got it together.
I just want to feel normal! My moods swing up and down.
An emotional roller coaster, please let me off now!
A fourteen-week stretch of normality, bliss.
Then I hit rock bottom turned to razor blade’s kiss!
I gave in – gave up! I always fail!
I just feel so pathetic! I always bail!
Maybe life is pointless – I just feel so low!
Is there a point? Will anyone know?
I’m sorry all who read this! I’m sorry all who care!
My burden’s just too heavy I’m leaving it here!
I don’t want to die. But I can't keep the sorrow.
And losing it simply means losing tomorrow!
This is my last cry for HELP.
I’m out of my league – I’m just not myself!
Someone get this SOS I’m drowning in a sea
Of painful thoughts and actions that hurt ‘til I bleed!
So if I die before I wake, I pray the lord all pain to take.
I will watch from far above all of those who have my love.
You know who you are!
xxxxxxxxxxx
© REBEKAH SMITH November 2002.
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