Brief Summary: GI Joe in Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace! (Well, sorta)

Summary: Rampart and Krimov are preparing for the first ever combined GI Joe/Oktober Guard space mission. The two of them are going to put the Star Smasher satellite in orbit. The Star Smasher will be used to eliminate meteorites.

Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter is at the GI Joe tracking station that is located in the Arctic, because it’s under the orbit where the pair will be placing the satellite.

As the Joes are talking about how terrible it would be if Cobra caught wind of this mission, Night Creeper Leader is creeping up the outside of the shuttle. He opens a small hatch, tinkers with the wiring inside and uses a glider to escape as the shuttle takes off. Screw you laws of physics!

Cobra Commander wants the satellite because with it they can shoot down other satellites. Which isn’t a bad plan, since they could effectively hamstring world satellite communications, not to mention take out government spy satellites. By disabling our eyes in the sky, they could make it much easier for Cobra to sneak around. Communications would be hindered at least until backups were put in place.

Sarge turns at the sound of someone talking to him. He sees a small polar bear, dressed in a set of coveralls telling him that he’s there to relieve Sarge’s post. Sarge, understandably, blinks at the polar bear. Then, our Joe du jour Sub-Zero, steps out accompanied by Stretcher. He tells Sarge that the polar bear, Cubby, is an orphan that he’s raising. Apparently, he’s raised ten other orphan polar bears, releasing them into the wild when they’re old enough. I’m no expert on polar bears, but judging by Cubby’s size, he can’t be much more than a few months old. Old enough to be weaned and about the size of a five or six year old human child.

Up in space Rampart and Krimov test the satellite, taking out a group of meteors. They miss one and it head directly for the shuttle…but turns out to be about an inch across (which is actually a dangerous size in space. Micrometeors can hull a ship just as effectively as a bigger meteor).

Gnawgahyde wonders whether they should even bother with the Star Smasher, since they didn’t’ get all the meteors. Cobra Commander activates the cut off device that allows Cobra to take control of the shuttle. He wants the satellite for the damage it can inflict on other satellites. With the shuttle in trouble, Rampart aborts the mission and he and Krimov appear to crash down.

Which leads us to the WTF moment of the show: the satellite is already in space and already in position. Why bother bringing the satellite down? You’re just going ot have to shoot it back into space again. Why not simply send a space force up to take out the Joes in orbit, take control of the satellite and start blowing satellites to kingdom come before the Joes can stop you?

If this episode had been made a couple years later, that’s probably what we would have seen, since Hasbro would have been putting out the Space Brigade line around then.

As it is, Cobra brings the shuttle down, in the Arctic, natch. They head out in force to bring the satellite and the shuttle back to their base.

Meanwhile, the Joes also head out to retrieve the satellite, shuttle and their friends. Inside the shuttle, Rampart is out cold. Krimov bandages his head.

The weather turns against the Joe air forces, forcing Sgt. Slaughter and the others to turn back. Sub Zero and Stretcher continue on since they’re on the ground. Unfortunately, by the time they arrive on the scene, Gnawgahyde and the Cobras have carted the satellite off.

At the base, Cobra Commander says that Cobra will launch the satellite into a Cobra controlled orbit and that Gnawgahyde should introduce the Joe prisoners to his polar bear friend.

Cubby, like all cartoon children, has stowed away with Sub-Zero. Rather than returning to base, Sub-Zero continues on with the polar bear in tow.

Cobra has the Star Smasher and wants Krimov to tell them how to operate it. Krimov refuses to do so unless Rampart is given medical attention.

Gnawgahyde starts messing with the satellite. Krimov says that there’s a self-destruct device on the satellite to prevent tampering. Noggy pulls back, but Cobra Commander says Krimov is bluffing. When Gnawgahyde touches the satellite again, the self-destruct is activated.

Outside, Sub-Zero and Stretcher decide to attack from under the ice and attack the Cobra base from below. Cubby continues along for the ride.

Cobra Commander tells Krimov that he can either defuse the bomb or doom everyone in the base, including Rampart, to a messy, messy end. Krimov hesitates, leading Gnawgahyde to plead: “Please Colonel, if you don’t’ care about Rampart, do it for me!” Because of (or more likely despite this) Krimov gives in and stops the bomb when it’s at the 2 second mark.

Cobra Commander tells Gnawgahyde to release the polar bear they’ve got in a cage. The polar bear is introduced as “Dr. Attila.” This is intended to be the medical attention that Cobra Commander promised. After all, once the polar bear is done with him, he won’t be suffering anymore…

“Suffering Sibera!” says Krimov. If this is an actual Russian expression, I will eat my Zartan figure. Without salt.

Sub-Zero and Stretcher crash into the base through the icy floor. Rampart and Krimov get into the shuttle, where they’re temporarily safe.

Laser Vipers blow up the two Joe hover crafts, Atilla is sicced on Sub-Zero and Stretcher. Cobra Commander and Gnawgahyde avert their eyes from the horrible site of the polar bear…

Making nicenice with Sub-Zero.

That’s right! You guessed it! Atilla is really one of the orphaned polar bears that Sub Zero raised! And despite this being a wild animal who has been starved for god knows how long, he’s more than willing to make kissyface with his former foster parent. In fact, Attilla (nee Frosty) is the first cub that Sub Zero ever raised.

Rampart and Krimov use the Star Smasher to take out the Cobra base. Atilla holds Cobra Commander and Noggy at bay while the Joes escape in the shuttle. Cobra Commander and Gnawgahyde end up in the water (but don’t die) though it does make the cold that Cobra Commander has been nursing all episode worse. Stretcher tosses him some asprin as the Joes head off.

The Cobras escape in a small raft and Sub-Zero and Stretcher release Cubby back into the wild. Sub-Zero tells Frosty to take good care of the little guy then tells Stretcher “Let’s head back for some soup, I don’t want to catch Cobra Commander’s cold!”

Commentary: This is the last DIC review, at least until I get copies of the episodes I’m missing. It’s hard to believe that I’ve actually made a goal and stuck to it. I find myself wondering what I’m going to do next. I’m going to miss sitting down to the DIC episodes. I need my bad cartoon fix…anyone know where I can get a copy of GI Joe Extreme?!

Anyway, over all this episode isn’t all that remarkable. It’s a straightforward, get our stuff back storyline and anyone over the age of about six is going to figure out that the Cobra’s polar bear is going to be one of the orphans that Sub Zero raised. Cobra’s plan to relaunch the satellite seems needlessly clunky and complicated but then, most Cobra plans seem needlessly clunky and complicated.

Sub-Zero’s voice gets on my nerves. He’s too damned chipper. Luckily, he’s not that bad in NoZone Conspiracy.