Brief Summary: On the Road to whupping Cobra’s ass.

Summary: We open in the desert, two guys in French Foreign Legion style outfits are walking through the desert. One is clearly intended to sound like Bob Hope, the other like Hope’s old Road movie partner Bing Crosby. (We learn later that this character is named “Frankie.”) I think the voice actor doing the Crosby impression is Gary Chalk, not sure who is doing the Bob Hope act, but both actors do a damned good job on the impressions. They’ve both got the mannerisms and style of speaking down pat.

Anyway, the two poor souls are walking through the desert, hungry and thirsty. The Bob Hope imitator dives into what looks like an oasis, but it ends up being a mirage. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Jackie asks his friend. “You looked so happy…” the friend says in a voice of absolute Zen-like bliss.

We pan off the movie to see a group of Joes watching the movie on their big (and I mean BIG) screen TV. Krimov (also known as Red Star) is telling Heavy Duty how much he loves Jackie Love movies.

Outside, Cobra lurks, waiting for the opportunity to attack.

Meanwhile, Hawk takes Sgt. Slaughter into a secure area of the base. He’s there to show Sarge the Man Portable Fusion Generator, known as the MAP. As is the norm for these sorts of things, the MAP is highly useful in the right hands and a terrible weapon in the wrong hands. Hawk tells Sarge that they’re going to have to tighten security on the base in order to help defend the MAP until NASA is ready to send it into space where it’ll help power a satellite.

Hawk hears the Joes laughing uproariously and goes to investigate. That’s when he finds out the Joes are watching the Jackie Love movie “Road Trip to Beirut.” Krimov brought it along from the October Guard video collection. Hawk is delighted, since like Krimov he’s a big Jackie Love fan. “Road Trip to Beirut” is Hawk’s favorite movie.

Briefly, Hawk and Krimov discuss their favorite Jackie Love films, mentioning the title for another work: “Road Trip to Gorky.”

We get another brief clip from the movie wherein Jackie is attacked by the local chief’s big, fat, daughter dressed in a harem girl outfit (stereotypical, I’ll grant but then the movie scenes are meant to mimic the style of the 1940s themed comedy films which weren’t exactly known for their political correctness). After a brief bit wherein the boys get in trouble for not wanting to marry the chief’s daughter, Jackie and his buddy get themselves out of trouble by using a variation on the old “Pattycake, Pattycake” trick to punch the guard out.

For those not familiar with the Pattycake trick, I’ll explain briefly: our two roguish heroes stand facing each other, with their target standing between and slightly behind them (easier to punch him that way, y’see). The two heroes temporarily distract their target by singing some variation on Pattycake or some other sing-song rhyme while doing the hand-patting motions. Then, at the end of the rhyme or chant, our roguish heroes turn as one and lay out their target with a pair of punches. This trick works best against enemies who are stupid or who don’t speak English as their native language. It also helps to have Script Immunity.

Anyway, back to the review:

Cobra attacks in the middle of the movie and are quickly chased off by the Joes, who take the time to mock them with their laughter. But, the attack only reinforces the idea that the Joes have to be on full alert in order to defend the MAP. Sarge tells the Joes that until the MAP is safely in space, they’re going to be on 24/7 duty and all leaves are cancelled until further notice.

An undetermined amount of time later, we see that the Joes are starting to show signs of fatigue and wear. Bad food, long hours and no reprieve from duty are beginning to have their effects. Heavy Duty and Krimov are working on a vehicle, when foam begins to pour out of the vehicle onto Heavy Duty. This sparks a fight between the two Joes that is only broken up by their teammates.

Hawk talks to Sarge about the state of the Joes’ morale. He realizes that his folks need to do something to let off some steam that doesn’t involve beating the crap out of each other. Reminiscing about a Jackie Love USO show he attended ten years before during a particularly stressful time in his career, he decides that this is exactly what the Joes need.

So, Hawk gets on the phone to the USO and asks to speak to Jackie Love. He’s put through almost immediately and, naturally, becomes extremely tounge-tied. Particularly so when it turns out that Jackie Love knows who he is. Jackie more or less takes over the conversation, telling Hawk that folks are really proud of the work that the Joes do. He also offers to come out and give a show for the Joes to show how much America appreciates them. Hawk, of course, agrees. Jackie says that he’ll be out that Friday.

Hawk, of course, is absolutely delighted by this turn of events.

Meanwhile, Cobra Commander is berating his troops once again for their incompetence and inability to get the generator. As punishment, he cuts off cable TV until further notice. The troops groan and whine about this turn of events.

Note to those born in the 1980s: there was once a time when cable TV was actually a pretty big deal. It used to be something that only the very lucky had, particularly in rural areas such as the one I grew up in. Sure, it’d make more sense for Cobra Commander to shoot people for insubordination, but then this is a kid’s show. Hell, even the Joe comic had a very small body count for a 12-year run with barely a handful of loses on each side.

A Tele-Viper comes in, saying that Cobra has intercepted the call to Jackie Love.

Cobra Commander shows up at a shoot for a new Love movie. Cobra Commander tells Love wants him to teach Cobra Commander how to impersonate him.

Love: “Look, it’s never gonna work. For one thing, you don’t look like me and for another, you’re not funny.”
Cobra Commander: “What do you know about funny? How many Night Creepers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Night Creepers like it dark!”

There’s a few nervous laughs, of the sort folks usually give off when a psychotic bent on world domination tells a really bad joke and they don’t want him to haul off and shoot them.

Cobra Commander puts on a Love mask and uses his vocal modulator to make himself sound like Love. The Baroness disguises herself as Love’s sexy sidekick, Fiona Diamond.

Cobra Commander and the Baroness fly in with the folks from the USO show (either that or Cobra goes in disguised as the USO show).

Hawk introduces Cobra-Jackie and the Joes respond enthusiastically. Cobra Commander has Jackie Love on the other end of a radio receiver feeding him lines. The Joes eat up the entertainment. Krimov says that Jackie is “one wild and crazy guy.”

After the show, Baroness-Diamond gets Krimov alone and asks for a tour of the base. Krimov is more interested in hearing about what life’s like working with Jackie. Baroness-Diamond murmurs “So much for my feminine whiles…” and offers an exchange: show her around the base and she’ll tell him about working with Jackie. They start off on the tour and the Baroness asks to see an area that’s really secure. Krimov falls for it and takes the Baroness to the area where the MAP is being held. The Baroness then knocks Krimov out cold and steals the MAP.

Krimov revives quickly and sounds the alert. The Joes now realize that Jackie and Fiona are fakes.

Hawk takes off via jet pack to try and rescue Jackie and Fiona (and stop Cobra). Krimov goes along for the ride, hanging onto a very toyetic extension from the jetpack. Hawk attaches himself and Krimov to the bottom of a Cobra Dominator, allowing the Cobras to haul them back to their base.

The plan (not necessarily in this order) is to get the MAP and save Jackie and Fiona.

Back at the Cobra base, which is still in the movie studio, Cobra Commander gushes about how well he did at the show. He tells Jackie that he’s not about to give up show business. The Baroness, naturally, is not at all pleased about this. As she says, “Our job is not to entertain the world, our job is to conquer the world!”

Cobra Commander wants to take over the studio and make “Road Trip to Beirut II” (…auugh! Electric Boogaloo! ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!). CC wants to make this movie as a Cobra production, written, produced, directed and starring Cobra Commander.

The Baroness tells Jackie he has to defuse the situation. Jackie goes over and tells Cobra Commander, rightfully, that the only reason he was successful was because Jackie was feeding him lines. Cobra Commander says this isn’t true, he’s a comic genius and that the audience loved him! He looks at a group of Cobras to back him up.

Metal-Head: “I loved it Cobra Commander! I laughed, I cried!”
Nameless Desert Scorpion: “Two thumbs up! A tour de force the entire family will love!”

Taking this sycophantic toadying as honest praise, Cobra Commander offers Love the chance to be his second banana. Love refuses the offer, even after Cobra Commander hangs him and Fiona Diamond over a conveniently handy tank full of sharks.

Cobra Commander prepares to film Jackie’s death. Krimov causes a distraction, allowing Hawk to snag Cobra Commander, holding CC by the feet. Krimov grabs the MAP and goes to free the real Love and Diamond.

Krimov tells Love that he’s his biggest fan, then proceeds to take out a group of Cobra troops with the boom of a ship and some snappy dialogue

Krimov and Hawk end up facing down against Cobra on the set of a Custer’s Last Stand movie. Just as all looks darkest, the rest of the Joes show up and the throw down begins.

The MAP ends up in Cobra hands again and Cobra Commander threatens Jackie and Diamond. Krimov and Hawk use the Pattycake trick from earlier in the episode to knock Cobra Commander down and get the MAP device back. Unfortunately, Jackie and Fiona end up falling into the shark pit. The Joes don’t have time to save them.

Hawk mourns the loss of two such fine entertainers, saying that he takes full responsibility for the incident and that he’ll be resigning his commission. He continues to sing Jackie and Fiona’s praises, oblivious to the fact that they are now standing right behind him. The sharks, we learn shortly, were mechanical and harmless.

We cut to a theatre where the Joes are watching Hawk’s mournful speech and laughing their collective asses off. Apparently, Cobra left the cameras on so the Joes got everything on tape.

Commentary: One of the most genuinely funny episodes of the DIC series, this one is helped along by well-written dialogue and the sense of timing that the actor playing Jackie brings to the role. The sub-plot about the MAP devices is really just there to give Cobra a reason to try and break into the Joe base. The real story is Jackie Love and Cobra Commander’s narcissistic desire to break into show business.

General Hawk is downright adorable in this episode, particularly in the scene where he’s talking to Jackie Love about performing for the Joes. It’s rather nice to see the leader of a Special Missions force flustered by talking to one of his heroes.

Bob Hope has long been involved in entertaining American forces, here and abroad, in peacetime and in wartime. His USO shows have helped lighten the load of American soldiers serving in nearly every conflict from World War Two on, bringing in light, comedic entertainment and pretty girls.