Brief Summary: GI Joe vs. The Bean Counters

Summary: The Joes are in South American, investigating some exploding trees. Captain Krimov, a Russian exchange officer also known as Red Star, wishes that he could see these amazing trees for himself. Big Ben takes a stick from one of the natives also in the room and whacks it against a locker, causing a small, flashy explosion.

This demonstration causes Dr. Carday, who was sent by the US Senate to calculate GI Joe’s costs per mission, to have a wobbly at the unnecessary costs. (Ninety-five dollars for paint, fifteen dollars for welding, that sort of thing.) She’s a pretty blonde lady with a pink bow in her hair and attractive looking glasses. She’s basically set up as a looker, despite the fact she’s got a stick rammed up her ass.

The Joes figure that Cobra is going after the “demon trees” that the natives have told them about. If Cobra gets the trees, they’ll have an unending supply of free high explosives (though knowing Cobra they’ll burn through ‘em in a day and a half).

The Joes head out to stop Cobra before they get the chance to go after the trees, for once having decided to get the drop on them first. Low-Light, Dusty and his coyote Sandstorm, are among those along for the ride. Carday leans over and thanks Big Ben for being so cooperative. Big Ben is clearly smitten with the fair doctor.

In a clearing near the demon trees, Metal-Head and Destro are standing around. Metal-Head turns to Destro:

Metal-Head: “D’you hear something?”
Destro: “A noisy short circuit in your range finder, no doubt.” Because, of course, it couldn’t be the Joes sneaking up on them. I mean, it’s not like the Joes show up every single solitary time Cobra does anything anywhere (and vice versa, which must make trips to the store interesting).

With that, the Joes attack the Cobra bunker, a huge mesa-type structure of solid stone. During the attack, Sandstorm knocks Metal-Head onto his back and causes misfire #346 of Metal-Head’s career.

Low-Light tries to see if it’s possible to attack the Cobra base from above. For his troubles, he gets shot down. Dr. Carday bitches about the loss of the Locust before Big Ben saves her from getting shot.

The Joes quickly figure that since they can’t take out the bunker from above, they can use the General (a big ass land-based vehicle) to hit the trees stored in a cave at the base of the bunker. Even though the General is miles away, Krimov is positive he can easily make the shot.

Low-Light radios coordinates to Krimov, helping him ‘walk’ his shots into the cave. The plan goes swimmingly. On the second shot, Krimov hits the mark and blows Cobra’s bunker sky-high.

Destro and Metal-Head flee the scene and see that the General is responsible for their downfall.

We come back from a commercial break to see that the Joes have gotten some bad news… Dusty’s reading a letter from Congress to the Joes:

“In conclusion, because the cost of GI Joe’s jungle expedition totaled the outrageous eight million, nine hundred and eighty-four thousand, eight hundred ninety-nine dollars and fifty-two cents, the U.S. Senate has ordered you to report to the Battle World proving ground to learn to fight in a cost-efficient manner. Signed, Dr. Deborah Carday. Counter-signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”

The Joes, understandably, aren’t too crazy about this. Big Ben stands up for Carday, saying that she’s only doing her job. Low-Light says that not only did Big Ben bring back some explosive sap but he is a sap for standing up for Dr. Carday. Big Ben counters that there is lot of pressure for cuts to defense spending. Krimov, on the other hand, is ticked that the General has had to suffer the indignities of cuts to its ammo and fuel supplies. Heavy-Duty tells the others to relax, that even though they’ve cut the number of missiles he has in half at least they haven’t pulled any of Sandstorm’s teeth. Dusty, finally, figures that orders are orders and they might as well learn to fight this way since otherwise the Joes will be disbanded. Krimov aggress, since he doesn’t want to return to Mother Russia and miss out on cable TV.

I know you’re never going to believe it, but in the next scene we learn that Dr. Carday works for Cobra. No! Really! She’s a Cobra agent! She’s talking to Cobra Commander and everything! In fact, she’s Zarana! Whoa!

It turns out that the entire Carday/Battle World thing is a scheme to catch the Joes while they’re at half-power and capture the massive General. Cobra Commander is very happy about this because then: “GI Joe will be at my mercy – a quality I have never possessed!” Which actually gives the Commander a sense of menace.

We come back from the commercial break to find that the Joes have arrived at the Battle World Proving Grounds. Dr. Carday is welcoming them:

“Welcome to Battle World, gentlemen,” she says. ‘the ultimate battle simulation training ground.” The stated object of the exercise is this: the Joes will be sent to different ‘worlds’ where they’ll be facing off against androids wearing Laser Tag-style sensors on their chests. The Joes want to get through the exercise without being KISSed. No, no, it’s not what you think, it stands for Killed In Simulated Situation. If the Joes get KISSed, Carday will know the Joes can’t fight economically and the Joes will be eliminated.

The actual plan is for Cobra troopers to wear faux control panels to make them appear to be androids. The Joes will get ‘KISSed’ and taken prisoner. Meanwhile, the General has already been neutralized.

As it turns out, the General won’t be involved in the festivities. Instead, Krimov and the vehicle are taken to a ‘holding area’ to wait out the exercise. Which is pretty damned clever of Cobra.

The rest of the Joes are split up and taken to their various training areas.

Inside the Cobra Command Center, Zarana gloats about how well the plan is going so far. The Joes are at half strength, all Cobra really has to do is wait it out.

Low-Light and Heavy-Duty are sent to Cave World. Flying a small helicopter through a giant cave, they end up in a dogfight with a group of Dominators. Losing their missiles in the first salvo, they quickly get taken out and are the first to be KISSed.

Dusty and Sandstorm are sent to Desert World. They’re driving along in a jeep-like vehicle when they’re attacked by a Cobra Hurricane. They outrun it but end up ditching the vehicle, which gets blown up by the ‘android’ Desert Scorpions. Dusty notices that the flames on his vehicle are real, which leads him to think that the simulation isn’t.

Dusty radios Krimov, hoping to tell him of his suspicions. But Krimov is outside soaking up some rays and allowing the ‘android’ guards to watch the General. He misses the radio call.

Low-Light, currently cooling his heels in a Cobra cell, gets a call from Dusty. It’s hard to say if Low-Light and Heavy Duty have figured out that this is a Cobra trick yet.

Dusty finally calls and tells Big Ben and Sci-Fi about his suspicions. While he’s talking to them, he’s confronted by a Desert Scorpion. Big Ben figures that Carday must be in danger as well, so not only do they have to rescue Low-Light and Heavy Duty, they also have to save her. Sci-Fi figures that this is all well and good, but first off he has to shoot down some Cobra choppers.

The Desert Scorpion confronting Dusty has a pet of his own: a big-ass scorpion. Dusty and Sandstorm quickly best the Desert Scorpion and..er..his scorpion. They start climbing up the side of the mountain, trying to get to safety.

Big Ben and Sci-Fi arrive at the same plateau where Dusty and Sandstorm are. Dusty tries to wave them away, since a group of Cobra troopers show up. Dusty’s unsuccessful and Big Ben and Sci-Fi are captured. The Desert Scorpion returns and catches Dusty. Sandstorm manages to escape by pulling a stunt that made me call “NO WAY!”

Sandstorm runs up onto a flagpole holding a Battle World flag. His weight snaps it off and he uses it to parachute to the ground. Which wouldn’t be all that spectacular if it wasn’t for the fact that Sandstorm is a coyote. Not even Wile E. could have pulled a stunt like that and he was a super genius!

Anyway, not to let that spoil the otherwise documentary style realism of the ‘toon, Sandstorm hits the ground and runs off looking for help.

Back in the cells, Big Ben wonders what Cobra has done to Dr. Carday. Low-Light figures she’s probably locked in a cell of her own.

Cobra Commander, Destro and Dr. Carday come in and burst Big Ben’s bubble, revealing to him that Dr. Carday is really Zarana. Zarana tells the heartbroken Big Ben that she really does fancy him, so why not throw over this whole GI Joe business and come work with her? Big Ben tells Zarana there’s no way he’s going to give up the Joes for a Dreadnok like her. Which REALLY pisses Zarana off.

Sandstorm finds a hole in Big Ben’s cell. The presence of the coyote reminds Big Ben that he still has the explosive sap on him. Using the sap, he escapes and goes for Krimov and the General.

Sandstorm and Big Ben quickly find Krimov and go back to rescue the others. Cobra prepares to blow the General to kingdom come, with Zarana giving the order to prepare the base’s weapons to fire. Think she’s still stung by Big Ben’s rejection of her? Yeah, me too.

Krimov drives the General straight through into the Cobra command center, routing the Cobras and freeing their comrades. The day is saved!

Cut to Krimov reading a letter: “And so, budget committee concludes that defeat is not cost effective, no matter how much money is saved.” Because of this, Congress restores GI Joe to their full level of funding. And on that note, the episode ends.

Commentary: I seriously doubt Zarana really had a thing for Big Ben, I think it was more she was trying to see if she could get him to leave the Joes, then got royally cheesed when he rejected her. Ego thang, don’tcha know?