Brief Summary: It's GI Joe: The Movie, 'Nuff said.
Summary: We open with GI Joe: The Musical. The opening song plays over an attack by Cobra on the Statue of liberty. You know you're in trouble when the opening sequence is the coolest thing in the film. According to another review I read, this sequence was supposed to be the movie's finale, which is something I'd never heard before. If that were true, I would assume that they had a completely different storyline in mind for the movie, since this sequence doesn't fit with what we actually get. I can kind of see where it could be the finale of a movie, but it also feels more like an opening sequence to me mainly because the animation for this section is so well done, I can't see them maintaining this level of quality for the entire movie.
If anyone out there knows more about this, drop me an email at kepulver@yahoo.com.
Oh, yeah, personally? I don't think this sequence is actually supposed to be tied into the plot of the film as a whole. I think it's just basically a glorified opening credits sequence rather like the opening sequence from the regular Sunbow episodes.
The Joes handily defeat Cobra, blow up their flying fortress and Duke carries the American flag to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Our blood is now pumping and the audience is stoked for the film itself. Whoo!
Which leads into the second best animation sequence in the movie: Pythona's entrance into the Cobra Terrordrome. The outside shots are just cool and show the Cobra forces to the best effect I've ever seen them.
Inside the Terrordrome, Serpentor is chewing out his officers. Most of the Cobra chain of command is present for this verbal curb-stomp: Destro, The Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, the Crimson Twins, Zartan, Zarana and Zandar and, of course, Cobra Commander. Serpentor is angry about Cobra's failures, which in typical Cobra leader fashion, he blames on everyone around him.
Cobra Commander turns the blame back onto Serpentor, accusing him of poor leadership. He puts the entire fault for Cobra's failures on Serpentor, calling him pompous, pusillanimous and pathetic. He also takes a moment to call a kettle black.
Serpentor, not to be outdone, double-reverses the blame and tries to lay all of Cobra's failures at Cobra Commander's feet. Cobra Commander denies the accusations and says that Serpentor is afraid to let the others defend him (CC, that is).
On the contrary, says Serpentor, let them defend you! Cobra Commander asks noble Destro to step forward and come to his defense. Destro steps up all right, but he's come to bury CC not to praise him.
This unleashes a torrent of complaints from the other members of the chain of command as they step up to accuse Cobra Commander of everything short of kidnapping the Lindberg baby, authorizing the New Coke formula and designing the Edsel.
Outside, a pile of intestines surfaces from the surrounding waters and delivers a mysterious figure (okay, it's Pythona). Pythona is wearing a cloak and we can only see her blue snake-like eyes for the moment. She tries to use her claws against the electrified fence, but when that doesn't work, she uses a four-headed eel-like creature to cut through the fence and break into the Cobra base.
Back inside Serpentor's chamber, the Cobra COC is still tearing Cobra Commander into little bloody gobbets (well, verbally at least). You kind of get the feeling that they've been waiting a LONG time to be able to do this and they're living the moment to the utmost. It's like an intervention for failed Evil Terrorist Leaders.
This scene always reminds me of the scene in that Simpsons episode where Homer and Marge go for marriage counseling (and Homer tries to catch an enormous catfish). The councilor tells Marge to list Homer's fault and the listing goes on for hours. I kept expecting to hear the Baroness say "He drinks from the carton..."
Of course, Cobra Commander doesn't believe a word of it being that he's got an ego you could beat whales to death with.
We cut again to Pythona breaking into the Cobra base and making mincemeat out of the guards who are unlucky enough to end up in her way. She uses several neato-keeno bio-weapons as she delves deeper and deeper into the base, heading for Serpentor's chambers.
The COC realize they're under attack. Cobra Commander says it may be an assassination attempt and says that they'll handle it while Serpentor stays there. It makes sense that CC would figure it was an assassination attempt, what with him being a paranoid git and all. Though why nobody protests the idea of CC leading an attempt to protect Serpentor, the guy he was just openly and treasonously contemptuous of, I'm not sure. Then again, the idea could be that the Cobra COC fight like cats and dogs in times of peace, but truly pull together against a common enemy.
Serpentor, naturally, says that he'll face the attacker head-on. The Baroness and Dr. Mindbender protest, saying that if anything happened to Serpentor Cobra would be without a leader. Cobra Commander agrees, then clearly mulls over the thought of betraying Serpentor before leading the others off. Was nobody listening to him when he's all but saying 'Yesss...I could allow the assassin to get to Serpentor and kill him then I can take control of Cobra again...Yessss!"?
Apparently not, because Cobra Commander leads the charge and the others all follow, while Pythona continues to make her way deeper and deeper into the Cobra base. She's given a major assist when Cobra Commander deliberately leads the folks looking for the intruder away from her position, allowing Pythona to enter Serpentor's chambers.
She breaches Serpentor's chambers and finally manages to meet him face to face. Serpentor prepares to attack, but Pythona pulls down her hood and reveals that she is a genuine female woman-type girl. Serpentor stops cold, recognizing her from a dream. Pythona tells him that what he's recognizing wasn't' a dream or a vision, but a memory. When Serpentor was created, apparently, she was etched into his soul. (Ow!)
Pythona tells Serpentor that the time has come for him to fulfill his destiny. She opens a clamshell and reveals a small hologram of the Broadcast Energy Transmitter.
We close up on the BET and cut to the Himalayas where the Joes are preparing to test the BET (insert your own Black Entertainment Television jokes here, g'wan, it's fun!). One of my favorite things about this part of the movie is the slow pan across the Joes standing around while the test is being readied. As the camera moves across the scene, you get to hear the sound of the Joes chitchatting in the background and it actually sounds like real conversation. There are actually a few moments like this in the film at various points, generally on long shots when there's a crowd moving about and it's a really nice touch. My favorite line in this part, for some reason, is Gung-Ho saying "That's funny!" to the tail end of a story Quick Kick is telling him.
Mainframe and Dial Tone finish the preparations of the BET. They're very excited about the BET and the possibilities it could mean for the world's energy crisis. Duke, on the other hand, is more skeptical about the BET.
The BET is started up and shoots energy into the air. How the heck this could be considered safe is beyond me. The energy field put out by the BET manages to start the Joes' PAC/RATs (small missile carrying robots that kind of look like larger versions of the skutters from "Red Dwarf"). They also start up Cross Country's HAVOC. Cross Country chases the HAVOC, yelling for it to stop mule, stop! He goes over a hill, following the HAVOC. Duke shuts down the BET, intending to stop the HAVOC. There is a pause and then Cross Country comes running back over the hill yelling for the Joes to "Go! Go! Go!"
Right behind Cross Country are Cobra's forces and they're not coming by for pie and coffee. The Cobra forces ride down on the Joes, attempting to steal the BET. The Joes mount their defense and we get many shots of various Joes fighting against various Cobras. Unlike the first big battle in Transformers: The Movie, beloved characters aren't gunned down for no damn good reason to make way for new toys...err...characters.
Duke manages to activate the BET, using it to turn the PAC/RATs back on. He succeeds and uses the PAC/RATs to fire on the Cobras attacking them. There are a whole lot of Star Wars sound effects here.
The Crimson Twins react to the Joes' attack:
"Treachery!" says Xamot
"We're being attacked!" says Tomax
"From behind!" they chorus
(See Kathy studiously ignore the myriad possibilities for off-color remarks on the Twins sexual preferences!)
Now, how the heck is it treachery that the Joes are attacking them? Isn't treachery more commonly called when it's your own side coming after you? Then again, they're Cobra agents, they're most likely used to seeing treachery in everything.
Cobra Commander has a moment where he flails about wildly, giving out ineffectual and hysterical orders, emphasizing the screaming incompetence we've all come to know and love.
Duke and Serpentor fight it out man to man. The Baroness tries to go to help Serpentor but Cobra Commander holds her back, saying that he'll give the order (which he of course, doesn't do because he wants Serpentor to get taken out).
Serpentor gets shocked into submission when Duke throws him against the BET's main energy screen. Again, the Baroness wants to go to his rescue but Cobra Commander instead orders retreat. Cobra pulls out, despite the protests of Destro and Dr. Mindbender as well as the Baroness, leaving Serpentor behind.
Duke tells Roadblock to take a squad after the retreating Cobras, while he and his folks will take care of Serpentor and the BET.
The retreating Cobra forces follow Cobra Commander's directions, which lead them near a mountain pass. Roadblock's people manage to catch up to them and haggard the Cobras into making a charge for the mountain pass.
Inside the mountain pass, the Cobra forces find a strange sight. There's huge, redwood-sized fungus growing near an entrance into the mountains. Before the Cobras get much of a chance to take things in, the Joes attack, attempting to mop the Cobra troops up.
Before the Joes make much headway, strange ululating creatures that look like something out of Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind attack them. In this instance, the ululating that the Cobra-La troopers do isn't as annoying as the "Cobra-lalalalalala!" battle cry that Serpentor (and ONLY Serpentor) gives out latter in the movie. Here, it sounds like an actual battle cry, rather like the sounds that Native Americans or Middle Eastern warriors make before a battle.
The Cobra-Ladians manage to make short work of both the Joes and the Cobras, particularly once the winged Nemesis Enforcer shows up and starts tossing people and vehicles around like toys. Once the C-Ladians mop up the Joes, Cobra Commander walks over to Nemesis Enforcer, praising him for his ability in taking out the Joes. Nemesis Enforcer backhands Cobra Commander, knocking him back toward the rest of the Cobra troopers.
Cobra Commander sputters at Nemesis Enforcer, saying that Golobulus will hear of what he's done. Which is when Pythona comes out and tells Cobra Commander that he's in trouble himself with Golobulus. Cobra Commander makes a run for it, but Nemesis Enforcer drags him back.
The nameless Cobra forces are led inside Cobra-La by the C-Ladians. Pythona, who knows the names of the Dreadnoks, tells them that they need to raid the Joes to get Serpentor back.
Note: Zandar speaks his one line of the movie at this point "You know us?" he asks Pythona and I just have to say that Mrs. Peter Cullen is a lucky, lucky woman 'cause Zandar's got about the most dead sexy deep voice here...whoo! Also, while I'm on the subject, Buzzer looks damn fine in a furry vest and Destro's winter coat makes him look pretty sweet as well!
Zartan demands to know why they should risk their necks for Pythona, whereupon Pythona pulls out a gem the size of a really big dinner plate and Zartan's objections dissolve like cotton candy in a glass of water. "A gem that size answers all my questions…"
Back at the PITT, Duke is fretting since they haven't heard from Roadblock and his people in twenty-four hours. Hawk tells him they don't need to start worrying yet since Roadblock and his people can take care of themselves. Duke agrees, but wonders what the Joes are going to do if Cobra attacks now that they're short-handed, especially since they've got both Serpentor and the BET.
Flint volunteers to take a party to see if they can find Roadblock and his group. Hawk sends him off. Duke mentions that the new recruits are being fast-forwarded through their training. Hawk wonders if they'll be able to survive Beachhead.
We cut to the new recruits, or Rawhides, being chewed out by Beachhead. The only one he approves of is Law, who manages to convince the others to stand at attention and look sharp. Tunnel Rat calls Beachhead "Sweetheart" in a New York accent (meaning he's trying to sound like a tough guy, not flirting with Mean Green), which causes Beachhead to chew him out again.
Finally, around this point, Beach-Head notices that he's missing that "Gold-plated Goof-off" Lt. Falcon. Apparently, Falcon had a date so he didn't show up to this training session.
Allow me to take this moment to mention that Lt. Falcon, rather like Hot Rod in the Transformers Movie, is meant to be our HERO. Y'know, that guy we're all supposed to be rooting for? The one that little boys are supposed to want to emulate and little girls are supposed to develop crushes on? The guy who goes on a DATE instead of showing up to training? *Grrrr*
Ngnnn...No, no, pace yourself Kathy, pace yourself, we got a lot more Stupid Falcon Tricks to get through before we're done...
So, Beach-head, instead of summoning the MPs to drag Lt. Falcon back for a serious ass-whupping, proceeds to test the other Rawhides, giving us a chance to meet them up close and personal.
But first, another aside: I don't entirely understand the status of the Rawhides. Beach-Head talks about teaching them soldiering, but shouldn't the Rawhides already have some understanding of being soldiering since they seem to have been pulled from various units of the military (heck, Law's standing there wearing an MP helmet and the implication later on is that he's already received some MP training, specializing in K-9 work, particularly bomb sniffing)? Is this an actual "Teach them to be soldiers" training or is this a testing section similar to the GI Joe 'boot camp' we saw in Issue #82 of the comics? Personally, I'm leaning more toward the latter, based on things said later on, but I'll get to that when we come to it. For now, on with the training:
First up are Big Lob and Tunnel Rat. Their test is to run through an obstacle course and ring a bell at the end. They manage to succeed at this rather handily, Big Lob by running the course and Tunnel Rat by using a convenient drainpipe to go around the course and come out behind it.
Big Lob was never released as a toy. What, precisely, his function is, I'm not sure but his shtick (all Joes and Cobras have some sort of shtick) is that he talks in sports lingo as he's fighting. All in all, it's rather silly but nowhere near as annoying to me as say, Wheelie's rhyming in Transformers: The Movie...or Daniel's very existence. Or FALCON's very existence, for that matter.
Tunnel Rat, on the other hand, did have a figure. In fact, his face and body sculpt were based off of GI Joe comic writer Larry Hama. Tunnel Rat was one of my favorites when I was a kid. His file card just fascinated me, since he was of an extremely mixed ethnic make-up (he was part Trinidadian for cripes sake!), which I just thought was the coolest (being rather boringly Anglo-German in ethnicity m'self). His specialty was tunnels and, as I recall, according to his filecard he served in Vietnam (which again, makes the thought that he needs to LEARN soldiering rather bizarre, but then the filecards, comics and cartoons have never always jibed together in terms of characterization).
Tunnel Rat and Big Lob succeed, as I said, and jump about celebrating their victory. Beach-Head rather crossly tosses the controller for the obstacle course on the ground. Why he's having a snit, is beyond me. I think he's not so much mad that they succeeded, as he is irritated that they're behaving like unprofessional yahoos by jumping around and such. Poor Beach...it's only begun to bite for him...
Next up: Law and Order. This part takes place in a faux-village. Beach-Head tells Law that there's a bomb hidden somewhere in the village and that Law needs to find it. Law whistles for Order, his German Shepard. Beach-Head reacts with surprise that Law has Order. Why this is, I'm not sure. You'd think that Beach would have been briefed about his people's specialties before he started training them; particularly that Law is a K-9 officer. And for that matter, why wasn't Order with Law at the beginning? (And I want a reason other than "to set up this lame bit here.")
Law instructs Order to find the bomb, which the dog does. He then does something that, to my understanding, is completely NOT what bomb-sniffing dogs do: he retrieves the bomb (which is a real bomb, exactly, WHY?!). From my understanding, bomb (and drug) sniffing dogs are taught to sit when they find the scent. After they sit, they get a treat. Which means that this whole scene is utter codswollop, but I'm willing to forgive it.
Moving on to Chuckles: Now, according to his filecard and his comic appearances, Chuckles is an undercover specialist. His dealio is that he's the one you call on when you need someone to go deep undercover and stay there for a goodly period of time. He's about on the same level as Lady Jaye when it comes to disguise and such.
So why the high holy hell do we see him in a tank being instructed to shoot down a HISS is utterly, utterly, utterly beyond me. Why he decides, instead of using the tank itself, to pull off a missile and run it toward the HISS and then CHUCK it at the HISS is so far beyond me that light from it would take ten thousand years to reach me. I'd also like to know why the heck Chuckles doesn't talk in this movie, since he's perfectly capable of talking in the comics.
Actually, I presume one reason why we didn't get to see Chuckles exercising his specialty was because it would have slowed the movie down and we're already deep in padding country here as it is. Still doesn't explain Chuckles doing his Metal-Head impression but...
Jinx's turn! Beachhead meets her in a dojo-style room. He asks her where Lt. Falcon is. Jinx says that he didn't show up and jokes that maybe he's too chicken to face her. Again: Mr. No-Show is our HERO.
Once more, Beach-Head doesn't try to get Falcon dragged back in, but instead spars with Jinx (after mentioning that he's heard she's a bad luck lady). Jinx tries to shut her eyes, but Beach-Head tells her "Mouth shut, eyes open!"
Beach-Head whups Jinx rather handily and contemptuously tells her not to bother unpacking, since she won't be staying long. This is what leads me to think that this training session is meant as a way of weeding out these recruits. Whoever fails, leaves. Beach-Head is, in no uncertain terms, telling Jinx that she's just washed out.
Jinx stands up and blindfolds herself, asking Beach if he wants to try it her way for a change. She then proceeds to kick his ass.
Again, this scene raises some questions. Like, why doesn't Beach know about Jinx's blind fighting technique? Shouldn't "BTW, only fights blindfolded" be somewhere in that file? And second, what the hell is up with "Is only effective when she's blindfolded?" I understand the whole secret mystical techniques of the Far East jazz, but really, how can you call yourself an effective martial artist, let alone a ninja, if you can be taken out by anyone who catches you with your eyes open? Granted, she can almost always close her eyes if need be, but it's still a dumb weakness. Especially since all it takes is you not seeing your opponent pull a gun and shoot you to put paid to the whole "Undefeatable Martial Artist!" hoohoo.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we leave the Rawhides in their training and come to:
Sickening Lt. Falcon Moment #1:
The scene is the stockade where the Joes are holding Serpentor. Lt. Falcon is there with a young woman named Heather. Heather is, apparently, the date mentioned earlier. Lt. Falcon is showing her around the stockade, while Heather coos and simpers at him like a brainless twit (and ohhh, the temptation to switch that 'i' for an 'a'...). See, Heather's all nervous about being in the same building as Serpentor. Lt. Falcon tells her: "When you're lucky enough to have Lt. Falcon for a guide, you have nothing to fear but Falcon himself."
*Gag*
Don Johnson, as most folks already know, is voicing Lt. Falcon, and I want to take a moment to say, with no sarcasm intended, that they've got the exactly right voice for this character. Don Johnson does a GREAT job of playing Lt. Falcon as an arrogant jackass. My complaints about Lt. Falcon are in no way shape or form aimed at Mr. Johnson's skill as a voice actor. Or as a regular actor, while I never saw much of "Miami Vice" or "Nash Bridges," I loved him in the science fiction movie "A Boy and His Dog."
And, as far as that goes, I'm not even all that pissed at the writer. After all, he meant Falcon to be a raging jackass. The idea being that we will see Lt. Falcon as an immature, unformed lump of clay who will learn, over the course of the movie, to be a mature and responsible leader. Rather like what happened to Hot Rod in Transformers: The Movie.
The difference being that Hot Rod was young and impetuous kid while Lt. Falcon is an obnoxious, insubordinate, self-absorbed, sexist prat.
Lt. Falcon takes a moment to demonstrate his fancy shooting skills to "Heather" before Duke shows up. Duke, understandably, is irate that Lt. Falcon brought a date to the stockade. And even more pissed that said date has a freakin' CAMERA on her inside the stockade. Falcon and Duke argue as Jinx shows up. Duke tells Jinx to escort Heather out, which Jinx does gladly.
Heather attempts to goad Jinx's ego by talking about how dreamy she thinks Falcon is -- but then, she doesn't need to explain that to Jinx, now does she? Jinx mentions that she did have a date with the Lt. but chances are he's not going to have any time to spend with either of them for a while.
Inside, Duke and Falcon are still screaming at each other. Falcon tries to pull rank on Duke but fails and ends up assigned to guard duty at the stockade. Frankly, I wouldn't put Lt. Falcon in charge of a petting zoo at this point but hey, what do I know?
Meanwhile, "Heather" turns out to be Zarana. We find this out when she pauses by a swamp to change her clothes and Thrasher tries to get a little too cozy and Zarana tosses him into the water.
Consumer Awareness Alert: This is the scene that inspired the infamous rumor that there's a version of the Joe movie where Zarana was topless (see the "GI JOE: THE MOVIE section of YoJoe.com's GI Joe FAQ List for details). That's an urban legend folks, there's no such version of the movie, but the scene was storyboarded. You can find the storyboards at Quick Kick's Theatre's 2nd Buzz Dixon Interview (look down near the end of the first page, to the section where they start talking about the movie; keep in mind this is a two-page article). If anyone tries to sell you a copy of the Super-Ultra-Sekrit-Rare-UNCUT!GI Joe movie, they're trying to rip you off.
Zartan and the other 'Noks show up and Zartan congratulates Zarana on successfully snookering Falcon (which is about like congratulating ice on successfully melting but she does deserve props for letting Falcon *ugh* touch her...). Zarana tells her brother that while Duke got the film in her camera, he didn't get the film in her earrings.
Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer also show up around now and congratulate the Joes. With the information that Zarana got, they can now successfully retrieve Serpentor.
Cut to, later that night, back at the Stockade. Alpine, Bazooka and Gung-Ho are guarding Serpentor's cell. Alpine is nervous about the situation, saying that he's got the feeling a train is coming and that he's going to be under it. Gung-ho tries to reassure him and oddly enough, becomes the first person to have anything good to say about Lt. Falcon. Falcon, it seems, is the perimeter guard for the night and Gung-ho figures that if anything goes wrong, Lt. Falcon will give them the word.
Which leads us to:
Sickening Falcon Moment #2:
Jinx's ninja training apparently extends to repairing engines as she's working on a vehicle of some sort. As she's working on the engine, Falcon comes up behind her and takes the tools out of the tray that she's holding them in. This leads to the following exchange:
Lt. Falcon: "Nice legs for a grease monkey, soldier."
Jinx: "Falcon!" (She's yelping because he's taken her tools)
Falcon swats Jinx on the ass, causing her to jump and bonk her head.
Jinx: "Ow!"
Lt. Falcon: "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
He moves forward trying to kiss her but Jinx manages to get away from him (Guys, this is NOT attractive behavior. It's verging on being sexual harassment).
Jinx: "Consider this motor pool enemy territory." She pushes Falcon away from her.
Lt. Falcon: "You're supposed to be glad to see me, Jinx."
Jinx: "And you're supposed to be on guard duty."
Lt. Falcon: ""Ohhh, it's Heather isn't' it? When I explain about her, you're gonna feel so silly, you..."
Jinx: "Stow it, Falcon, I'm allergic to baloney and you should be guarding Serpentor!"
Lt. Falcon: "Don't sweat it."
Falcon then proceeds to outline all the reasons that it's impossible for someone to break in to the stockade. This is done as a voice over, during which, we see the Dreadnoks, Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer bypassing each of the things that was supposed to keep them out. All of which they were able to bypass because a) Falcon brought "Heather" into the stockade and b) Falcon wasn't at his post to give anyone an advance warning that the 'Noks are breaking in.
Not to mention, his behavior toward Jinx is downright disgusting. Not only is he a condescending slime, but he compounds the smarm by smacking her on the ass and then trying to paw her. I realize, this was made in 1987, before sexual harassment was a big concern (particularly in the nation's military) but...c'mon! Let's just change his name to Lt. Tailhook as a protective service to the women of the world.
Historical note for those who are too young to remember or not up on their military scandals: "At the 35th Annual Tailhook Symposium (September 5 to 7, 1991) at the Las Vegas Hilton Hotel, 83 women and 7 men were assaulted during the three-day aviators' convention, according to a report by the Inspector General of the Department of Defense (DOD)." Follow the link within the quoted material to read more about the actual scandal itself. It's worth noting that while a ridiculous number of people were harassed, many of the folks at Tailhook were engaging in this sort of idiotic behavior consensually (i.e. willingly behaving like jackasses in public...some people's children...) and that most of the folks there were there for the convention, not to behave like lobotomized college kids.
Again, I realize that Lt. Falcon is supposed to be the GI Joe movie's version of Hot Rod, the young hothead who makes good, but as it stands Falcon makes Hot Rod look as level-headed as I dunno, Angus McLevel, the Irish Olympic Level-Head Gold Medallist of 1927. Hot Rod, at least, is an idiot because he's a young and inexperienced kid. Lt. Falcon, one would assume by his rank, is more experienced. At least experienced enough to know that you do NOT leave your post and you do NOT allow unauthorized personnel into secure areas. Because if you do...well, let's continue with the review and all will be made clear.
Alpine, Bazooka and Gung-Ho are caught off-guard by the Dreadnok/C-Ladian attack. They do their best to fight them off, but all three are wounded during the assault and Serpentor escapes.
Gung-Ho (I believe) manages to splice the alarm wires back together before Serpentor and his people escape. The Joes rush to the sound of the alarm, even Falcon who has the audacity to blame Jinx for the bad luck.
Hawk, on the other hand, knows exactly who to blame: "Falcon, take a good look at what your irresponsibility cost us." He continues to read Falcon the riot act as the other Joes try to stop the escape (and fail).
Serpentor and Co. manage to escape back to Cobra-La aboard a flying Jellyfish. When the arrive, the Path of Esteem is prepared for them (it's kinda cool, it's a bunch of modified crabs or spiders or something that scuttle out and form a living carpet. Is neat! (and I'm gonna say it's crabs, 'cause I hate spiders).
Serpentor comes out and kneels in front of Golobulus, pledging his fealty to him. This is where we learn that not only does Serpentor owe Golobulus his freedom; he also owes him his life. Golobulus, it seems, created Serpentor.
Dr. Mindbender, both for his own ego and as a stand-in for those of us in the audience who've seen "Arise, Serpentor Arise", protests that HE created Serpentor through his genius. After all, he says, they scavenged for the DNA of history's great conquerors. Destro tells Dr. Mindbender to think, that doesn't the idea of Serpentor seem to be beyond even his genius? (OWTCH!)
Golobulus confirms this, saying that he planted the idea and the skill for the creation of Serpentor in Dr. Mindbender's "rather pedestrian" mind. (Again, OW!)
Once this is revealed, Destro, the Twins and Dr. Mindbender swear loyalty to Golobulus, being able to tell which way the wind is blowing and being smart enough to move.
Golobulus mentions that they are planning to go after the BET, but first they must have the Trial of Cobra Commander.
But before we get to that, we have the Trial of Lt. Falcon to get through first.
It's rather interesting that the trials of Falcon and Cobra Commander parallel each other here. It makes sense, since both characters are rather similar in that neither side thinks much of them. Both are raving incompetents who need to learn to grow up. The difference is that one gets the chance to redeem himself and one's Lt. Falcon. Okay, seriously, both actually get the chance to redeem themselves in the end.
At Falcon's trial, we hear Hawk in a voice over: "Lt. Falcon, I can't understand how an arrogant misfit like you got into this outfit in the first place!" (That makes all of us, Hawk...)
Outside, the Rawhides are listening at the door. Tunnel Rat asks Law: "They gonna shoot Falcon?"
"Not now," Law says. "This is just a preliminary hearing."
Inside the trial room, Hawk and three other judges are sitting in judgment on Falcon. Hawk continues:
"Three good men injured, Serpentor freed by some bizarre new enemy, all because you can't obey orders! Your record is a shameful parade of insubordination and gross dereliction of duty. We've searched your file in the hope of finding some act of merit to offset the maximum penalty. We found none!"
Which again brings up the question of how the hell did Falcon make it into the Joes? And beyond that, why is Falcon still in the military? You'd think he'd have ended up tossed out on his ear LONG before now.
Duke stands up, speaking up on Falcon's behalf: "I just know underneath it all, there's a Joe worth saving. Falcon's my half brother."
Now, I can understand filial loyalty. I can understand that Duke may be just a bit blinded by his family feelings for Falcon but...when the guy's entire record has been nothing but insubordination and stupidity, there comes a point where you just have to say "Screw you, bro, have fun in Leavenworth, I'll be sending your cell-mate a carton of smokes to beat you bloody at his earliest convenience."
But, part of the point of this movie is to show the beginnings of Lt. Falcon's growth from a selfish, rebellious child into a selfless, team-playing adult, so Duke doesn't write his brother off. Hawk tells Duke to take Falcon out while the tribunal deliberates.
Out in the hallway, Falcon busts Duke's chops for helping him out. He's tired of Duke always bailing him out (so quit feckin' off, gobshite). The other Rawhides stand up for Duke and/or berate Falcon. Tunnel Rat figures that if Falcon did the crime, he should do the time. Big Lob figures that Duke is running the risk that he'll take the fall along with Falcon and Jinx yells at Falcon for yelling at Duke.
Falcon is called back before the tribunal and Hawk tells him that they've decided not to hold him over for court martial. Instead, they're sending him to the Slaughterhouse. As Hawk says: "Falcon, you're going to learn what it means to be a Joe even if it kills you." Ohhh here's hoping....
Meanwhile, Cobra Commander is also on trial back in Cobra-La:
Cobra Commander, unlike Falcon who at least had the decency to listen stoically as the charges were read against him, protests that Cobra-La has no jurisdiction over him. Golobulus finally tells him to be silent or be silenced. As is typical for Cobra Commander, he immediately capitulates, saying that he's always willing to listen to reason.
This scene is fairly typical of Cobra Commander's return to Cobra-La. He waffles back and forth between claiming Cobra-Ladian citizenship and refusing to submit to the will of Cobra-La, depending on how things are going for him.
The Dreadnoks wonder why the C-Ladians are bothering with the trial. If they want Cobra Commander out of the way, why not just grease him. "Because, Dreadnoks," says Golobulus, "we are civilized!"
This leads into Golobulus telling us about the history of Cobra-La:
Forty thousand years ago, Golobulus tells us in a voice-over, Cobra-La dominated the planet. Their technology was based on bioengineering and genetic engineering, using living organisms in the place of 'dead' technology based on metals, plastics and other inorganic materials. An ice age drove Cobra-La underground, allowing a race of barbarians (that's you and me folks) to take over. Over time, these barbarians developed a technology based on the aforementioned 'dead' materials, which was a mockery of the former greatness of Cobra-La. (See, a more secure civilization would believe this new civilization to have been a complement to Cobra-La's former stature but, then, a more secure civilization would probably have been able to figure out a way to survive a little cold and ice, y'know?).
So, Cobra-La retreated under the earth, specifically in the Himalayan mountains, and dreamed of a day when they could take their revenge on the surface dwelling bastards who were audacious enough to be able, collectively, to put on a sweater and tough it out.
This is the scene where the Baroness looks over at the Dreadnoks all scratching and prodding at various orifices (all of which are located above the neck, thankfully) and observes that perhaps not all members of this new civilization evolved.
Now, taken by itself, this isn't a bad idea for a storyline and if we'd been given it from the beginning, I think fans wouldn't hate the idea as much as they do.
I've always had a love of archaeology, so I did some looking at the prehistoric record and the timeline for Cobra-La's fall matches with the facts:
You're probably aware that geological time has been divided into eras, periods and epochs. And chances are you're most commonly familiar with the Jurassic period thanks to Michael Crichton and Steven Spielberg.
Well, I'm here to tell you a little about the Pleistocene Era, which is the Era before the one we're currently living in (the Holocene). The Pleistocene Era lasted from approximately 1.8 million years ago until around 11,000 years ago. It was during this era that both the Neanderthals and modern humans came to prominence. This era was also characterized by several periods of global cooling, or ice ages.
Here's where it gets confusing since an ice age can be either a long, cool period in earth's history lasting tens to hundreds of millions of years or shorter periods (geologically speaking, that is, they can last tens of thousands of years) where glaciation is at its peak. The Ice Age refers to the last major glaciation that happened around 40,000 years ago and which fully retreated around 13,000 years ago. It's most likely during this period that Cobra-La retreated under their ice dome in the Himalayas.
The 'barbarians' are clearly meant to be either Neanderthal man or Modern Man. Or both, since at the time the movie was made the common understanding was that Neanderthal man were the step behind Modern Man. (This has since changed, with many scientists believing that Neanderthals and Modern Man were two separate species, one of which died out.) Homo sapiens sapiens (Modern Man) had just appeared on the scene around 40 to 50,000 years BC, while Neanderthal man was on his way out (the species disappeared shortly after H. sapiens sapiens made the scene).
Both Neanderthal man and early modern man (Cro Magnon man) knew how to control fire. Fire is what allowed both species to move out from Africa and into colder regions of the world such as Europe, Asia and, in the case of Modern Man, into North America.
The implication would seem to be that Cobra-La didn't have control of fire, which would make sense. Cobra-La's technology was based on bioengineering, using living organisms to form tools and homes and other constructs. Fire would be useless in the shaping of such organisms. Heat could be maintained by using the body heat of Cobra-La's constructs.
This would also explain why there might not be any physical evidence of Cobra-La: bioengineered tools rot and decay while stone and bone tools stick around.
I'd be willing to speculate that the C-Ladians probably retreated because the 'barbarians' whupped them back as they moved into C-Ladian territory. It could be that the barbarians they faced were the Neanderthals being pushed out of their territory by the encroaching Cro Magnon (i.e. modern) man.
It has to be a bit of an ego shock for a 'great empire' like Cobra-La to get curb stomped by some folks who've just figured out how to gather honey.
So, Cobra-La nurses a grudge for a few dozen millennia before it gets the chance to actually act on that desire. Finally, toward those ends, a brilliant young nobleman scarred in a laboratory accident, came to Golobulus's attention. He was sent out into the world, with the instructions to raise an army to conquer the earth and bring about the ascendancy of Cobra-La once again.
Unfortunately, the man they sent out was Cobra Commander and well, chances are you've seen some of his efforts at taking control of the world... Cobra Commander, naturally, tries to place the blame on everyone around him, from his own troops to Serpentor to this guy named Earl. In an effort to shut him up, Golobulus has the clamshell that he's being held in shut. Cobra Commander protests as the shell closes, looking for all the world like some whacked-out version of Daffy Duck in that Bugs Bunny cartoon where he gets shrunk down for stealing Ali Baba's treasure and ends up hugging a giant (to him) pearl as an oyster shell closes around him. (C'mon, imagine it, Cobra Commander saying, "I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm financially independent!")
This is also where we learn about Cobra-La's final plans for revenge on the rest of the world: they're going to use some giant fungasoids to launch mutating spores into space. Once in space, the fungasoids will release their spore pods, which will mature and then release their spores into earth's atmosphere. The spores will then filter down and mutate every man, woman and child into a primitive, incompetent life form. Only those who are under Cobra-La's ice dome will survive intact.
The hitch is the spore pods will not survive in the coldness of space without energy (though if they're high enough up, the unfiltered light from the sun would seem to be enough...but if they did that, then the story'd be over now, Cobra-La would win and the Joes would be fecked). In order to activate the spore pods, Cobra-La needs the BET.
Cobra Commander, out of the shell and on his knees, calls the plan laughable. 'Course considering some of the schemes he came up with he's got no real cause to talk now does he?
Golobulus passes sentence on him (apparently the discussion of Cobra-La's backstory/current plans was what passed for a trial, showing that the C-Ladians may be civilized but that their ideas of what constitutes a fair trial are positively medieval).
Cobra Commander is declared guilty of the one crime unforgivable in Cobra-La: failure and as he protests, a smaller pod containing mutating spores is brought forward. It's at this point that Cobra Commander tries again to plead C-Ladian citizenship in order to save his neck, but it's no use. Nemesis Enforcer exposes Cobra Commander to the spores (and is careful to stay back well away from the spores himself. In addition, the guards on CC hold him in place with long poles, which I thought, was a smart touch).
Cobra Commander rips open his shirt, showing that he is beginning to devolve into a snake-like creature. Golobulus tells Nemesis Enforcer to throw him into the Abyss of Oblivion, but Serpentor suggests putting him in with the Joes, to show them what fate awaits them. Pythona agrees, saying that the plan is poetic in its simplicity. Golobulus muses that the idea is "a trifle melodramatic, but instructive" and tells Nemesis Enforcer to take CC away. (Burgess Meredith's delivery of that line never fails to crack me up.)
Meanwhile, Wild Bill and Lift Ticket have been given the ignoble task of delivering Lt. Falcon to the Slaughterhouse. Or, more specifically, to the air above the area near the Slaughterhouse. Lift Ticket gives Falcon a parachute, and then tosses him out of the plane.
Falcon makes a rough landing but manages to save himself. Then, he looks up and sees Mercer, wearing a Viper uniform except that the Cobra symbol has been marked with the international symbol for 'no'. Falcon assumes Mercer is a Viper and the two fight.
Mercer tosses Falcon to the other two Renegades. Red Dog, the one tossed out of pro football for unnecessary roughness, calls him 'a hundred an' seventy pounds of air pollution" while Taurus, the ex-circus acrobat with a few extra bats in his big top, says he doesn't like Falcon's face and suggests the other Renegades remove it.
Sgt. Slaughter shows up before the Renegades get the chance to do much in the way of damage to Lt. Falcon. He introduces himself and the Renegades. Lt. Falcon tries to weasel his way around Sarge, but doesn't get very far. Sarge tells Falcon that there's two ways out of his camp, on his feet or in a ditty bag. An itty, bitty ditty bag.
Sarge tells Falcon he needs to get a move on if he's going to make it back to the Slaughterhouse as he and the Renegades mount up on motorcycles for the ride back. Falcon asks if that means he has to walk. Sarge tells him no, he can run.
Falcon shoulders his duffle bag and as he heads off, it starts to rain. Nelson-laugh with me people, it feels soooooooo good!
Back in Cobra-La, Cobra Commander is dragged toward the Joes' cell. The sight of him understandably freaks the Joes out, but Roadblock manages to muster them to the task at hand: an attempted escape.
As the guards open the doors to throw in Cobra Commander, the Joes rush them and attempt their escape. Serpentor notices the attempt and turns to Golobulus who simply stands back and watches as the Joes run into a forest of weird plants that suddenly come alive and attack the Joes, catching them in creeper vines. All of the Joes except for Roadblock are captured. Roadblock hung back because Cobra Commander warned him that it would be a trap.
CC tells Roadblock that he knows another way out of Cobra-La. The two attempt their own escape but Golobulus spots them and sends Nemesis Enforcer after them. Nemesis Enforcer and Roadblock go at it hand to hand and Nemesis Enforcer uses some sort of venom or gas to blind Roadblock, but he and Cobra Commander still get away...mainly by falling into a river that leads out of Cobra-La.
There's a bit where Roadblock is carrying Cobra Commander that made me think of "The Bodyguard" which led to me cracking up the roommate by singing "And I will always love you..."
Serpentor, Destro and the Baroness as well as some other Cobra troops and Nemesis Enforcer leave Cobra-La in order to go after the BET. As they're leaving, there is a tremendous roar and they look over to see the fungasoids beginning to launch their spores into space. The fungasoids are probably about the size of giant redwoods, maybe bigger and go up like an organic form of Saturn V rocket. It sounds implausible, but considering that some real forms of fungus do pop their stacks in order to make sure their seeds carry as far as possible, this bit doesn't trip my "Nuh-uh" trigger as much as, say, the idea that any sane adult woman could find Falcon attractive.
As they're watching the spores launch, the Baroness looks on with awe, calling the sight "Beautiful" while Destro says "So begins the dawn of our invincibility." (Thus, jinxing Cobra-La's success.) Serpentor eggs the two of them on, chomping at the bit for the chance to go after the BET.
In the river, Roadblock hears the fungasoids launching and demands that Cobra Commander tell him what's going on. CC tells him that it's the beginning of the end of the world, then starts in on the "was once a man" bit. We also get our first ever look at Cobra Commander's cartoon face. He's a snake-like creature with multiple eyes. (In the comics, we see CC's face a couple times and he's not a snake-man. He's a used car salesman.)
Roadblock and CC struggle forward, hoping to be able to warn the Joes in time.
The next day, at the Slaughterhouse, Sarge and the Renegades are finishing up a big breakfast of ribs when Falcon finally staggers in. Sarge gives him KP in order to help encourage him to be prompter next time.
We then cut to a brief montage of Sgt. Slaughter training Falcon by running him through obstacle courses and PT. And we get another great quote: "You're going to work until you wish you were dead and then keep going because you're afraid if you don't, I'm not gonna let you die."
Duke radios Sgt. Slaughter and the two talk about how Flint still hasn't found Roadblock and his people. Duke also asks Sarge and his boys to investigate the Cobra Terrordrome in the hopes of finding some evidence about what happened to the others and sheepishly asks how Falcon's doing. Sarge agrees to the mission and tells Duke that Falcon may actually be worth saving and that he won't tell Falcon that Duke asked after him. Sarge then goes to tell the others that they're goin' visitin'.
He rings the dinner bell to call the boys in. "Dinner already?" says Red Dog. "Not unless you like snake burgers," says Sarge (which, I'm betting Red Dog and the other Renegades do actually like).
Sarge then tells them about the mission.
Mercer thinks the idea is suicide, and the other Renegades agree that it seems like a bad idea ("Horoscope says is bad day for travel" says Taurus). Sarge tells them to think of it as an extra rough training mission, which causes Falcon to pipe up with "In that case, let's not take any weapons in order to make things tougher." Sarge agrees with the idea and the Renegades look at Falcon like they're going to throw him a blanket party later on to thank him for this wonderful suggestion.
(A blanket party, as I understand it, is when you toss a blanket over someone and then use the time to pummel them mercilessly, using the blanket to hide your identity. In Falcon's case, I'm willing to bet the boys'll forego the blanket.)
Now, here's what I'm wondering: why the hell does Sarge go along with such a ridiculous suggestion? My theory is he's trying to show Falcon that stupidity has its consequences (while simultaneously being fairly assured that his people can pick up whatever weapons/gear they need inside the Terrordrome, which is indeed what they do). By following along with the suggestion, he's trying to get across the idea that maybe, just maybe, Falcon should use his head for something other than a place to store his hair. Falcon's embarrassed and nervous look when the Renegades surround him threateningly seems to indicate that at least some of the point is sinking in.
Meanwhile, the Joes have taken the liberty of hiding the BET in a civilian security lab, thinking that Cobra won't think to look there.
Unfortunately, the Baroness was disguised as one of the folks who helped bring the BET in, so Cobra knows exactly where to look. The Baroness laughs heartily as she runs away from the security lab and leaves to go tell the others where it is. Word of advice to the Baroness: it's a good idea when you're hiding undercover to STAY undercover until you're actually clear of an area where the other side can see you. Granted, the Joes weren't looking at you and so didn't see you take off your helmet and wave your long black hair around as you laughed but still.
The Renegades arrive at the Cobra Terrordrome and sneak in through the air conditioning ducts (which are, naturally, large enough for four huge guys to crawl through). "In this stinking swamp," as Mercer says. "Even big, bad Cobras need air conditioning."
They manage to find Serpentor's chamber (the air duct apparently leads right to it) and overhear the Baroness telling Serpentor that she's found the location of the BET. Serpentor tells a group of Strato-Vipers that they will have the honor of delivering the BET to Cobra-La. Red Dog asks Mercer what Cobra-La is. Mercer tells the others that he has no idea what Cobra-La is, he's never heard of it. Sgt. Slaughter believes Mercer and divides his forces. Falcon is to try and radio a message to the other Joes while Slaughter and the others go cause some chaos.
Sgt. Slaughter drops down from the air conditioning ducts, allowing Taurus to use him as a ladder to climb down and snag some poor Viper with his legs. We don't see what happens to the poor Viper but here's hoping he got the help he needed to recover after getting a face full of Taurus's crotch.
The Renegades take out the Vipers in the room, which turns out to be a Cobra armory, and arm themselves. They also set a Cobra bomb to blow the base.
Meanwhile, Falcon tries to radio the Joes but there's something wrong with the console. A group of Vipers storm into the room and manage to take Falcon down.
Sarge and the others run out of the Terrordrome amidst a hail of gunfire. As they're on the way to the boats they brought with them, they realize Falcon isn't with them. Red Dog says what amounts to "So what?" but Sarge makes them go back for them. "We all go home or nobody goes home," he says.
Inside, Serpentor is slapping Falcon around. "You can't resist forever," Serpentor says. He can if you keep hitting him with those wussy slaps. C'mon, Serpy, ball that fist and HIT HIM!
"All I gotta do is hold out for five more minutes," Falcon says. This is the time left on the bomb. Apparently Falcon is getting the idea of self-sacrifice. Finally.
Sarge and the Renegades burst in to rescue Falcon. This leads to a Nemesis Enforcer vs. Sgt. Slaughter fight and Serpentor acting like a whiny bitch. He orders Nemesis Enforcer to take out Sgt. Slaughter but then, a second later, when he gets in trouble he's yelling for Nemesis Enforcer to come save him. Nemesis Enforcer, no doubt feeling put upon, leaves off his fight with Sgt. Slaughter and the Joes escape as the Terrordrome blows up. The explosion seems a bit much for the small bomb that was planted, but then considering the amount of ordinance that was no doubt inside the Terrordrome, the explosion probably spread pretty quickly.
As Sarge and the others drive off in their little one-man boats, an armored dome arises from the Terrordrome's wreckage. We find out that Serpentor, the Twins and the rest of the named Cobra characters escaped unscathed.
Back at the civilian security lab, Cobra attacks and the Joes scramble to defend the BET.
The Rawhides hotwire a helicopter in an attempt to help the other Joes defend the BET. Unfortunately, they're not able to get the motor going. "First one to say anything about my being bad luck gets a knuckle massage," says Jinx.
Hawk leads a Skystriker charge against the Cobra air force. "I can see the whites of their beady little eyes," he says.
The Cobra-La forces attack with spitter-jets. These bio-constructs shoot vines or roots that wrap around things like a living bolo.
The Rawhides manually start their helli and go up only to be brought down by spitter-jet vines. "Man," says Law. 'Who ever heard of being shot down by salad?"
Serpentor uses the infamous Cobra-lalalalala battle cry. Note: Serpentor is the only person to actually use the Cobra-lalalalala battle cry and he only uses it twice. The ululations that the C-Ladian guards make in the film sound a lot better.
Serpentor orders Cobra forces to deploy the Marauders, which I think are the sandworm-like creatures that show up and start tearing through things.
Destro, the Dreadnoks and Nemesis Enforcer break into the building where the BET is being held. The Dreadnoks try to cut through the metal dome over the BET, but it doesn't work. Nemesis Enforcer steps up and, one imagines, with a sigh at being the one who always has to do everything around here, tears the dome open.
The Cobra forces prepare to make off with the BET as Duke yells for the others to attack the sandworms' underbelly. Serpentor lands as Slaughter and the Renegades show up to help.
Duke runs to save Falcon from Serpentor. The pair fights but Serpentor throws a snake-spear at Falcon, but Duke takes it in the chest instead. Falcon stays behind with Duke as a giant VTOL-moth takes the BET and Serpentor back to Cobra-La.
This is the infamous "Duke dies/goes into a coma" scene. It's clear from the context of the scene that Duke was supposed to die. The fact that Serpentor's spear hit Duke in the chest, right about in the heart area, kind of clinches things.
Duke's death, if it had gone through, was meant to be like the death of Optimus Prime: the falling of the old guard, to be replaced by the new, young guard. Hasbro, apparently, was phasing out Duke's character, so killing him off wasn't something that would hurt the toy's sales.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it), Optimus Prime's death was not the rousing dramatic success that the folks at Hasbro hoped it would be. Kids and parents were outraged by the death, which lead to some serious backpedaling when the GI Joe movie came out. Duke, instead of dying, went into a coma that he miraculously recovered from at the end of the film. This has lead to another rumor that there's a version of the Joe movie where Duke actually dies instead. Not true, but if you want Duke to die, simply watch the last minute or so of the film on mute. No voice over from Doc, no recovery for Duke.
Another problem with Duke surviving, beyond the fact that his survival seems unlikely, is that his death was meant to serve a purpose. His death was meant to be the final catalyst that sparked Falcon to finally grow up. The training at the Slaughterhouse was enough to start Falcon on his way, but losing his big brother should have been the final shock needed to show Falcon the light.
Since Duke doesn't die, the catalyst isn't there. Sure, Duke's being severely wounded does help push Falcon along, but it's not as dramatically satisfying as it would be if Duke had actually died.
Falcon tells Duke that he'll make him proud as Duke slips into a coma. We also see Hawk cry.
Soapbox Moment: Here's my other complaint about Duke not dying in the movie: for years, one of the big complaints against the GI Joe cartoon was that no one ever died and no one got hurt. Pilots whose planes were shot down would be shown parachuting from the downed vehicles, thousands of laser bolts would be fired and yet, nobody ever got hit, etc. All of this, according to the children's television advocates, was going to warp the minds of small children, teaching them that violence has no consequences, and lead them to lives of mindless mass murder (either that or teach them to be really *BAD* shots…).
'Course, if you think about it, some guy's plane gets shot down and he has to parachute out of it to keep from dying is showing a consequence for violence. It also shows that Joe and Cobra characters aren't stupid enough to try and die in a plane crash when they could just as easily get out. As for the idea that no one got hurt, that's not true. People did sustain injuries in the Joe cartoon. Granted, they were largely relatively minor injuries along the line of twisted ankles and broken bones, but if the folks behind the Joe cartoon had tried to show actual blood and guts consequences of warfare, these same anti-violence advocacy groups would have succumbed to an aneurysm.
Which brings me back to my point about Duke not dying: What better way to show the consequences of warfare than by having Duke die? There it would have been, in full, glorious color on the TV screen for little Johnny and little Jane to see: get stabbed through the chest and you will die. Heck, we even got to see blood! But, no, Optimus Prime's death was too traumatic for the kiddies, so Duke doesn't die, we get saddled with that lame "Duke's okay!" bit at the end.
Anyway, back to the movie….
Back at Cobra-La, the BET is used to send a massive energy surge up into the spore pods floating around in space.
Dial Tone manages to track the BET's energy source. Falcon wants the chance to go after Serpentor but Beachhead figures that he and the other Rawhides should stay behind. "I'm not sure the Rawhides are ready yet, and I'm especially not sure about him," he says. "Him" referring to Falcon specifically. Hawk agrees over Falcon's protests, leaving the Rawhides back at base in case Flint radios in. Hawk goes off to lead a charge after the location of the BET.
Meanwhile, we rejoin Roadblock and Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander has devolved some more, into a more snake-like form. As I remember, it's around this point where he's completely lost his legs (they've merged into the snake's tail). Cobra Commander is also starting to lose his higher mental functioning band is repeating "Once a man" to the point where it's driving Roadblock nuts. Roadblock tells Cobra Commander that he (CC that is) is going "Snakehouse" and that he needs to keep it together.
Roadblock and Cobra Commander wrestle briefly as CC's mind continues to devolve and end up stumbling (literally) across the Joes.
Falcon manages to get in touch with Flint, telling him that Hawk is on his way to find them and try and find the other Joes captured by Cobra-La. He also informs Flint about Cobra-La's existence. Flint confirms this inormation, haivng heard it from Roadblock as well. He passes the warning on to Falcon about the carno-trees that guard the city. Falcon tries to pass the word on to Hawk, but unfortunately (and, I'll admit, through no fault of his own) the message arrives too late.
As Falcon and Jinx are on the radio, the other Rawhides walk in. Law greeds Jinx, but, oddly enough not Falcon. The Rawhides then head out to help the other Joes who are now in deep kim-chee.
In the Himalayas, Lifeline says that Roadblock will recover his sight but there's nothing he can do for Cobra Commander. The mutation is permanent.
At least until Operation: Dragonfire, but to be fair, it's not like Lifeline knew about the Dragonfire energy at this point in time.
The Rawhides arrive and team up with Flint's people to try and rescue the other Joes and stop the evil machinations of Cobra-La.
The Joes try to use Cobra Commander to lead them back into Cobra-La but by this point Cobra Commander is too far gone to tell them anything. He is now fully a snake and so he will remain until Operation: Dragonfire.
Tunnel Rat spots another way in and leads the Joes down the back way. Along the way, the Joes stumble across the Dreadnoks securing the tunnels under Cobra-La to keep the spores out of the city. The Joes take out the Dreadnoks and use their vehicles to enter Cobra-La.
The Baroness notices the Joes flying in but assumes they're the Dreadnoks and muses that they're flying too close to the carno-trees. The Joes then attack the trees, revealing who they really are and save their fellow teammates in the process. Big Lob manages to crash his one-man helicopter into the base of the trees, freeing many of the Joes (and again, folks hate Big Lob but like Falcon because, why?).
The freed Joes join their comrades and proceed to whup ass on the Cobra-Ladians that come to meet the challenge. Lady Jaye and Flint share a cute moment where they each deck a Viper and pause and give each other a "Hi honey!" look.
The Joes then proceed to advance on the palace. Serpentor is, naturally enough, freaking out about this (and again, this guy was the better choice over Cobra Commander, why?) but Golobulus assures him that the Joes are too late. Still, in order to ease Serpentor's troubled mind, he orders the creatures of Cobra-La to arise and defend the city.
What follows are some very neat scenes wherein the various living creatures that make up nearly everything in Cobra-La detach from their places and attack the Joes. These are easily among the coolest scenes in the movie. Then again, most of the scenes showing the Cobra-La critters in action are almost inherently cool.
Hawk leads a group of Joes into the palace, but ends up sending Slaughter, Jinx and Falcon ahead to actually take out the BET while he fights off a pair of giant spiders. (This is where I would suck as a Joe, because I can't stand spiders in their "Ten Billion Times Smaller than Human Form". Ask me to face two spiders the size of city busses and I'd be a Kathy-shaped hole on the way out of C-La.)
Sarge, Jinx and Falcon run into some resistance on their way to the BET. Each one faces off against an adversary: Slaughter against Nemesis Enforcer, Jinx against Pythona, and Falcon against Serpentor. Each of the Joes beats their respective playmate through skill and cunning (yeah, even Falcon).
Serpentor tries to impale Falcon on one of his snake spears but Cobra Commander (in snake form) shows up and attacks the spear, saving Falcon's life. (At least, we HOPE that they're fighting...)
Jinx beats Pythona down and knocks her into a crevasse that has split the floor of the cavern holding the BET in half.
Sgt. Slaughter devastates Nemesis Enforcer with a series of elbow drops then likewise sends him down the hole. Though, why NE can't fly out, I'm not sure, unless the fight damaged his wings or some such.
Falcon and Serpentor wrestle on his snaky hoversled thingy but the fight ends when Falcon stuffs Serpentor's cape into the intake fans on the sled, causing Serpentor to rocket out of Cobra-La and out of the movie.
Falcon then ends up having to face down against Golobulus (rather like Hot Rod facing down Galvatron and then going up against Unicron...only, without the GI Joe Matrix of Leadership).
Falcon and Golobulus wrestle, but Falcon gets the upper hand when he stabs Golobulus in the eye with a pointy stick (we don't actually see this, but it's clear from both the context of the scene and a later shot showing the eye dripping ooze what happens).
Falcon manages to shut down the BET, but it's too late. "Heroic and utterly futile," says Golobulus. The pods have matured and are releasing their spores.
Falcon hatches a plan: he revs up the BET, figuring that if he can send enough power into space, he can fry the spores in orbit. To do this, he overloads the BET, which naturally enough explodes (because that's what overloaded electronics do in movie/TV/cartoon-land).
Sarge and Jinx manage to save Falcon and everybody runs like a sumbitch because Cobra-La is about to go the way of the dodo.
Outside, Cobra-La collapses in upon itself and the Joes celebrate their victory. The news comes in, via voice-over, that Duke has come out of his coma and is going to be okay! (Turn your sound off at this point if you want Duke to be dead).
Falcon and Jinx are up on a cliff, away from the others. They share a kiss, then stare at the crater that was once Cobra-La.
Jinx looks up at the sky and notices that the last of the mutation spores are burning up as they enter the atmosphere. Falcon, in a non-sequitor moment, says "Thanks, big brother."
And on that note, the movie ends.
Weird Credit Note: The TV reporter character, "Hector Ramirez" is listed in the credits, but IIRC, he never appears in the film. Anybody know why this was? Was it just that they cut and pasted a list of the voice actor's credits and left him on or was he supposed to be in the film but got cut out or did I just miss him?
Commentary: As usual, most of my commentary is within the review itself. I'm just going to try and wrap up here.
For the longest time, I'd considered doing a review of the GI Joe movie but held off. Partly because the focus of this site was on DIC, not on the Sunbow series and the movie is a big part of the Sunbow legacy. And partly because so many other folks have done reviews of the GI Joe movie that I felt I'd only be repeating points and comments that have already been made, several times over. (A search at Yahoo!.com for "GI Joe: The Movie review" pulled up 26,000 hits, for cryin' out loud!)
Then, Lt. Falcon won the Character Feature Spotlight and I set about starting to write my character summary of him, which involved me touching on his appearance in the Joe movie since I wanted to compare his movie appearance to his DIC appearances.
I watched the movie through once, to refresh my memory about Falcon and his behavior in the movie. When I sat down to start writing the review up, it hit me that I'd have to go into so much detail about the movie that it just made more sense to knuckle down and just do the damn review.
GI Joe: The Movie is something most fans feel strongly about. It's one of the many things that can almost instantly polarize the fandom into opposing camps. Some folks love it; others hate it. And generally, it's for the same reasons.
Myself, I'm rather neutral on the film. I like watching it. It's a very well done film, particularly considering the time period when it was made and the fact that it was a direct-to-video release (though the fact it was meant originally for theatrical release probably helped boost the quality). The storyline is about on a par with the better Joe miniseries and at least the movie manages to break the usual miniseries pattern of the McGuffin being introduced on Day One, three days of Joe failures (or at least draws) against Cobra's troops, Duke ends up in the Arena of Sport, and Cobra loses in the eleventh hour on Day Five. (Then again, that's also because the movie was intended to run as one continuous story, not as five segmented bits.)
Most fans hated the idea of Cobra-La but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that the idea of Cobra-La being responsible for Cobra was dropped on us at the last minute. Rather like the idea that the Quintessons were the creators of the Transformers just appeared out of the blue in "Five Faces of Darkness" (the Transformers Season Three opening miniseries). If we'd been expecting this all along, I don't think folks would be quite as angry about the idea as they sometimes are. Overall, Cobra-La certainly isn't as silly as the idea of the Joes running into the Egyptian gods (one of my favorite Sunbow episodes, actually) or the idea of Cobra taking over the world with giant vegetables.
GI Joe: The Movie came out after Transformers: The Movie and My Little Pony: The Movie both bombed at the box office. Transformers: The Movie, while not a bad film over all, garnered an angry response because of the wholesale slaughter of characters, particularly the death of Optimus Prime (apparently, the idea that the Transformers were at war was okay, just so long as nobody died).
Both the Transformers and GI Joe movies follow the same basic plot points: battle between factions escalates when new, more powerful outside force interferes with the battle. New characters are introduced and become the main focus of the movie to the detriment of the existing characters. Both movies focus on the maturing of the young, male lead, though Transformers: The Movie does a better job.
Overall, if you haven't seen the GI Joe movie, see it (it's not like it's hard to get a copy, I've got three, personally). No, it's not Citizen Kane, but it's a fun little movie and it'll help you understand why CC was a snake when Operation: Dragonfire started.