You’re too busy ramming things up your ass to read your horoscope.
Sick, sick, sick. At least you're gonna get laid.
Your girlfriend has you chained down. Quite literally. Time to dump her and start dating her little sister.
If you’re a female, you’re in luck because your moon is over Miami. That plan to drop your boyfriend on your sister is going to work. Easiest break-up ever. Oh, and plan on getting laid.
Don’t worry. Don’t flip out. You’re going to get laid. You’re going to graduate. You’re going to find a job. Curl up in the fetal position and memorize the dictionary... I lied about getting laid. Not gunna happen.
Witness protection is driving you nuts. Be sure to send the mobsters who want you dead Christmas cards. It's cool though. You're going to fornicate.
Your nine-o-clock with the Olson Twins is in a few, and you’re playing put-put on your yacht. If cocaine and Nintendo is getting old, might I suggest Endangered Species Cuisine? The bald eagle is delicious if simmered in a light wine sauce. Since your moon is made of malted hops, I suggest you postpone buying that Ferrari you’ve been eyeing. And go over the first person's home on your list. 'Cause you're going to get laid.
You need to get off your couch and stop smoking the ganj. Since your moon is falling into Uranus, you need to get some exercise. But the usual diet isn’t going to work this time. Ignore all that “Attkins” bullshit and start eating some sausage and bacon… The Germans do it… And look at them… They get laid. Just like you're going to in about 15 minutes.
Your dog died, but you were allergic to it. Your significant other left you but they had a fat ass. Your house burned down, but you’re getting a shitload of insurance money. You graduated from Sam Houston State University, but you’re still a dumbass. Your life couldn’t possibly be more balanced. Enjoy it while it lasts, because next month Zeus is going to strike you down with a bowling ball. You'll have to compensate by getting laid (with pregnancy being the result).
Pizza boxes are piling up, beer cans litter the floor and a funny unidentifiable smell is coming from the bathroom. You're worse than Virgo. Mold is growing on your ass, something’s stuck in your teeth and you smell like a goat. Good thing THE RUSSIANS JUST INVADED AND BLEW UP HOUSTON! But that doesn’t matter because you’re gonna get laid to a Russian who's harrier and smellier than you.
That trip to Mt. Everest is gonna be tottally tits, man. Be sure to bring lots a smoke with you because it’ll be the only thing you can breath at those altitudes. And don’t fret when you have to eat your friend, ‘cause after that, you can have sex with their dead body.
You can’t wait to get back to your cubicle or desk and work! You’re really close to closing that business deal or getting that A in your class. You’re kicking ass and taking names. And you’re gonna get laid.
You smell like a damn fish. Go wash your ass!
Then you'll get laid.
That fourteen-hour plane ride was really… plain. But you’re in sunny Hawaii and you’re going to enjoy life by sitting on the beach drinking margaritas and hitting on honeys. Speaking of which, the second you get off the plane, a Hawaiian lady put a ring of flowers around your neck.
