This is it. I don’t know why exactly I’m doing this other than the fact that it needs to be done. I cannot keep it in anymore yet I don’t know how to express things probably. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway except to myself. It will hit this brick wall and filter down into whatever abyss you have down there. You are always in the right and I am always in the wrong. You always push me around, take advantage of me. You claim that I treat you horribly. Flip flop.
Do you know how much you hurt me? Do you even realize that you continuously dig that knife deeper and deeper into me? Every little thing you do – the way you talk, the way you stand, the way you laugh, the way you chew your food – annoys the crap out of me. And the reason why it annoys the crap out of me is because you have hurt me so much. And you won’t even hug me anymore. You say don’t get upset but how am I supposed to feel?
I suppose I’m not like you. I don’t forgive others when they treat me like garbage. I let others abuse and abuse and abuse until I’m at my breaking point and then nothing can be saved. I allowed you to abuse me because I thought you loved me. You love the power. You love the fact that I need you. I did need you at one time.
I don’t respect myself and I don’t respect you. I can work on the not respecting myself issue because only I have to blame for those circumstances and I can change. But I can’t change you and I can’t make you ask about me or be proud of me or even want to spend some time with me or even hug me. I also don’t want to be your maid and your second best. The person you always run to when nobody else is around. When you put me in that position of second best I didn’t respect you. When you treat me like this I don’t respect you. When you make those decisions, opening yourself up again and again and again I don’t respect you. When you are selfish I don’t respect you. If I cannot even mutter your name without some sort of hurt or judgement, obviously there is a problem there.
The person who you say you have a connection with you also kick around. Let’s be realistic, shall we? I’m everything you love and hate about yourself. That is the connection. I realize now I’m too good for this.
Of course you will call me silly. You call me an overreactor since there is no way possibly that you could be the source of these issues. There is no way that you couldn’t be a perfect saint. Everybody likes you. Everybody has to like you – you have some sense of isolation when one person doesn’t like you. Well guess what. I haven’t liked you for six months. And yes I was testing you. You knew what a hard time this was for me and yet you didn’t even call. It is that circular relationship – I think that you are going to call and be there for me. You said that you always would be. Obviously you were lying. You even ruin my plans for that big night two years in a row and this year you don’t even call.
But I let you ruin my plans. I let you hurt me. I let you in to make me cry. And I can’t do that to myself anymore. There are two solutions…the circular relationship…one more chance…why am I hanging on…either you recognize my feelings and you recognize me to be a human being with thoughts and opinions and emotions that are not to be constantly taken advantage of or we never talk to each other again.
I’m afraid to officially realize that I lost what I valued. That I lost it a long time ago but it is not yet a reality.
And that’s what I thought. This is it. What should I expect from perfection?
By the way. You owe me alcohol money.
C. Clarke
December 2002
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