Pagan Humor
These jokes were found from many different sources. I have given credit to those with author names, but if anyone knows who wrote them without names, please email me.


You might be a Pagan Redneck if.....

1. you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door.
2. you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg.
3. you think a goblet is a young turkey.
4. you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse.
5. you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis".
6. you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13.
7. your quarter candles smell of kerosene.
8. you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn".
9. you think a "Sidhe" is a girl.
10. your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team.
11. your Bard plays the banjo.
12. your 'Long Lost Friend' really IS.
13. you have a flight of plastic pink flamingos on your lawn and regard them as your familiars.
14. your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.
15. your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head.
16. you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy", "Joe", "Jim" and "Bob".
17. you call the Gods by hollering "Hey y'all, watch me!".
18. your favorite robe has the logo of a major farm equipment manufacturer on the back.
19. you have ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.
20. your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun.
21. your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt or cowboy boots.
22. you have ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff.
23. your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21.
24. the instructions to get to your covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road...".
25. your altar cloth is a Rebel flag.
26. you use junk cars to mark the quarters of your circle.
27. your Eternal Flame happens to be under your still.
28. you use an engine block for an altar.
29. your High Priestess is your cousin and your wife.
30. when drawing down the moon, you say "Y'all come on down, ya hear?".
31. your pickup truck has an Athame rack.
32. your shewing stone is also your bowling ball.
33. your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar.
34. any part of your South Quarter invocation includes any lines from any song by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
35. chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.
36. part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire.
37. the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture.
38. the cakes and wine are done with a Bowie knife, a can of Foster's and a Little Debbie.
39. your coven chose its High Priestess at a wet T-shirt contest.
40. when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!".
41. you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people.
42. you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.
43. you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart.
44. you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret.
45. you can play the "Burning Times" on the banjo.
46. you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.
47. you found out your familiar is an opossum - and still ate it.
48. you have combined Maypole Dancing/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane.
49. you have cast a love spell on livestock.
50. you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.
51. you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.
2. you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.
53. you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.
54. you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.
55. you pray nightly to the god of big tires.
56. you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an altar made of old car hoods.
57. you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says "The circle is open but never unbroken".
58. you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance.
59. you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.
60. you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture.
61. you worship the gods Bheer and Nhascar.
62. you have ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team.
63. you have ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".
64. you have reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade.
65. your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.
66. your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom.
67. your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's".
68. your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".
69. your anointing oil smells like Old Spice.
70. your athame is a Bowie.
71. your broom has 4-wheel drive and SC plates.
72. your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it.
73. your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.
74. your circle dance contains the words "dosey-do".
75. your circle dance is a two-step.
76. your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest.
77. your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".
78. your covenstead is propped up on cinder blocks.
79. your craft name starts with "Bubba".
80. your familiar can point quail.
81. your familiar keeps mice out of the granary..
82. your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second and third cousin.
83. your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still.
84. your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba McEntire.
85. your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker.
86. your most sacred altar items include a velvet painting, a Million Miles buckle and a half-empty can of chaw.
87. your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars.
88. your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli Girl.
89. your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire".
90. your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.


The Field Guide to Neopagandom

1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a _Goddess_ and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name? DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool... DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas." DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_ with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time... DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must _really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be _way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depiction's of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_ -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited. DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard? DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.

WHAT WOULD <FILL IN YOUR FAVORITE DEITY> DO?

WWAD? (A= Artemis) Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking hounds.
WWAD? (A= Athena) Stare him down (then beat the crap out of them...in a > logical manner.)
WWAD? (A= Apollo) Test their musical skills...in a fair contest.
WWAD? (A= Aphrodite) Don't you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? (A= Astarte) Make love AND war.
WWBD? (B= Bacchus) Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? (B= Britannia) Rule!
WWBD? (B= Buddha) Does it matter? If you are enlightened it doesn't. If you are not enlightened it still doesn't.
WWCD? (C= Ceres) Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? (C= Ceridwen) Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? (C= Chaos) No one is quite sure...but it will be messy and...interesting.
WWCD? (C= Cthulu) Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWDD? (D= Demeter) Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by 10 PM! (And don't even THINK of laying a hand on her!)
WWDD? (D= Discordia) Here...have an apple...IF you are the fairest!
WWED? (E= Ereshkigal) Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWTED? (TE= The Elueusinians) It's a mystery!
WWFD? (F= Flora) Say it with flowers.
WWFD? (F= Fortuna) Play the lottery.
WWGD? (G= Gaia) Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.
WWGD? (G= Ganesha) Saddle up his rat.
WWHD? (H= Hades) Tell them to go to Hell.
WWHD? (H= Hecate) Show them the right path...or is it the left?
WWHD? (H= Hera) She'd get jealous.
WWHD? (H= Hercules) He'd labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? (H= Herne) Lead them on a Wild Hunt!
WWJD? (J= Janus) Look the other way.
WWJD? (J= Jupiter) Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? (K= Kali) Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood and dance on their trembling corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.
WWKD? (K= Kwan Yin) Show them some mercy.
WWLD? (L= Loki) Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a seal, & steal some apples. For starters.
WWLD? (L= Luna) Moon them!
WWMD? (M= Mithras) Cut the bull!
WWMD? (M= Mars) Suit up for battle.
WWMD? (M= Mercury) Change his mind... again.
WWND? (N= Narcissus) Huh? Is there someone else here?
WWPD? (P= Pan) Tell them to pipe down or f*** off.
WWPD? (P= Pluto) Hump Minnie's leg.
WWPD? (P= Priapus) Rise to the occasion.
WWQD? (Q= Q of course!) Demand that they explain themselves!
WWSD? (S= Sekhmet) Drown her sorrows in blood.
WWSD? (S= Set) You don't want to know, but it won't be nice.
WWSD? (S= Shiva) Smoke some weed and dance the night away.
WWTD? (T= Thor) Hammer it out.
WWVD? (V= Vesta) Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? (V= Vulcan) Live long and prosper.
WWYD? (Y= Yahweh) "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!"
WWZD? (Z= Zeus) By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!

HOW TO ANNOY A WICCAN

1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain......you never understood that dumb card game.....
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what they're doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "An' it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the Goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it?...oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "The Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "An' it harm none" bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bear a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the High Priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad';
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three;
33. Men - wear amber and jet;
(This is kind of an obscure reference that neither I nor a few others on alt.wicca.moderated got either. Someone explained that in traditional Wicca, only the High Priestess is allowed to wear amber and jet.)
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
36. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
37. Put fire wood around the maypole.
38. Play poker with their tarot cards.
39. Give them a Bible to read.
40. Substitute their white candles for black ones, or blow their candles out rather than snuffing them out.
41. Ask them if you they can cast a love spell for you. (This really pisses them off).
42. Start discussing taboo subjects such as "The Wicker Man" and "The Corn King"
43. Ask them if they've ever tuned anyone into a toad.
44. Cross-post this list to alt.religion.wicca every time it is requested

Pagan Afterlife

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path, which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.
While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revellers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter.
"Who are those people?" she asked.
St. Peter replied, "Them? They are fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They are actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks!"

Letter to Pagan Parents
by Ld Obyron Irondrake on 8/18/99

(A spoof of a letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents)
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

If Bill Gates wrote a book on Wicca....

1. The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
2. Iconology was be a major chapter.
3. A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.
4. Your broom would crash at least once a week.
5. Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
6. A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.
7. A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.
8. Every now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.
9. If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.
10. At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.
11. You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (and cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so).

TOP TEN REASONS WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit.
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on the coven members with bad backs.
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone. And the number one reason....
1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!!
Author Unknown

The Eve of Midwinter
Anonymous

'Twas the Eve of Midwinter, and all through the Coven
The witches were cooking strange things in the oven.
There were mugwort frittatas and Dragon's Blood stew
And Mescaline eggnog and Mandrake fondue.
There were hot mountain oysters and road kill paté
And Spotted Owl kidneys, and wombat flambé.
Circle was cast and the herbs had been smoked
In hopes that the Goddess would soon be invoked.
When out by the hot tub arose such a clatter
I jumped on my broom to see what was the matter.
And what should I see in the Blackberry thorns
But a soaking wet Goddess and eight Unicorns!
"I came when you called, over all my objections,
And got lost in the woods -- you give LOUSY directions.
You turkeys invoked me, now look at my dress!
My period's late and I've got PMS."
She mumbled and muttered, she looked like a wreck.
The Unicorns whimpered and shat on the deck.
We gave her some mead and we got her some grub.
We brought her clean towels and she soaked in the tub.
Then she rose, hot and dripping, and gave us her blessing
And jumped in her chariot without even dressing!
"On Isis! On Eris! Oya and Astarte!
On Ishtar! Inanna! Kali! and Hecate!"
We heard her exclaim as she climbed through the air
"Thank Goddess there's only eight Sabbats a year!"

Pagan/Wiccan Light Bulb Jokes

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
* * *
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?
* * *
How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
* * *
How many witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they do it in Great Rites.
* * *
How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but they have to be very small!
* * *
How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
* * *
How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
* * *
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A blue fish Tueday.
* * *
How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many have we got?"
* * *
How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2-One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east german machine tools.(this one also works with any variation on How many surreliests..)
* * *
How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.
* * *
How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
* * *
How many Proteans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many will fit?
* * *
How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.
* * *
How many Seax Wicca witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."
* * *
How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.
* * *
How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.
* * *
How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(If they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
* * *
How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?
Already changed.
* * *
How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
* * *
How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
(Any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwords...
* * *
How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.
* * *
How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for grandma, it's good enough for me!
* * *
How many Brit Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
* * *
How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...Initiate?"
* * *
How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a third degree secret.
* * *
How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb?
A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.
* * *
How may light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian?
None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
* * *
How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
* * *
How many years does it take an Alexandrian witch to change a light bulb?
That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.
* * *
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!
* * *
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None; real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark!
* * *
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six; one to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
* * *
How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they shapeshift into a cat or a bat, and can see in the dark.
* * *
How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 1,331 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to another list
203 to demand that cross posting to other lists about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
48 to propose new change.lite.bulb newsgroup
47 to say there is already an alt.light.bulb newsgroup
143 to ask if anyone ever did change the lightbulb

YOU MIGHT BE A PAGAN IF....

1. You have been seen talking to cats. They talk back, and you know what they are saying.
2. When asked if you believe in God, you ask "Which one?"
3. You know what widdershins means, and you apply it.
4. You know that there are exception to the laws of physics----you've caused them.
5. On Halloween you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers by.
6. You have friends that say they are fairies and you don't automatically think they mean gay.
7. Upon dying, you first thought is "Oh shit, not again".
8. You know that Gaia is not the lady on Captain Planet.
9. In religion 101, you are dissapointed because they didn't cover your gods.
10. You have been seen talking to trees.
11. You believe that Dragons and Leprechauns exist-----you've seen them.
12. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around bonfires sounds like large amounts of fun.
13. Your children go aroung telling people that "The Goddess > Loves you".
14. You are reading this page. You understand what > it's talking about. You have more to add.

Top 10 Signs You're Facing a "Wannabe"

10. "I learned how to make a stoplight change!"
9. "Can you teach me how to make a raincloud come around?"
8. "Well, I saw this really cool Ricky Lake show..."
7. "I'm a natural witch!"
6. "What do you mean that I'm not in ceremonial clothing?"
5. "You mean that you don't have a familiar?"
4. "I studied the Necronomicon. It was pretty cool, sitting right.... there in Waldenbooks. I just had to summon Cthulu!"
3. "I sometimes hear voices in my head... They tell me that the ......Goddess is watching me and that my parents are the freaks."
2. "I'm an expert in the field of..."
and the #1 way to tell it's a wannabe-
1. "I'm a warlock!"

Why do we make New Year's Resolutions?

(Neo-Pagan-style - with apologies to PaganPortal.com)
ALEXANDRIAN/GARDNERIAN: To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it *really* is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a resolution to make a new year.
ASATRU: First, we don't believe in a "Resolution" or a "List of Resolutions." We believe in many lists. Second, "Making New Year's Resolutions" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the resolution maker simply rises from one level to another. Hail to the New Year!
BRITISH TRADITIONAL: The word "Resolution" comes from a very specific Old English word ("resolvere"), and it only properly applies to certain acts or processes of list making by those of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to making resolutions, but you must remember that traditional resolutions are not to be confused with the modern resolutions....
CELTIC: In County Hunghover on New Year's day, they still observe Lady Resolutia's Scribbling, which is a survival of the old pagan List Making petitionary rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Tipsy Lady and the Green Scribe.
CEREMONIAL: "Making a List" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the practitioner to produce the energy necessary for the intention of making resolutions for the new year. For example, the astrological correspondences have to be correct, the moon has to be waxing (if the practitioner intends to follow the resolutions) or waning (if the practitioner merely wishes to keep the resolutions for reference), and the practitioner has to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning a list of resolutions *inside* your mind) can produce abnormal or even dangerous results and should only be constructed within a properly erected circle....
CHAOS: Thinking in terms of "listing" and "resolutions" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of resolution making space- time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of the resolution making itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the **list** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two or more lists can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "listing"), we can manifest the resolution. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as making a list of resolutions.
DIANIC: The Lyst Mayker ("list maker" is a term of patriarchal oppression) seeks to reclaim for herself the right to make Resolutions, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakens the power of the Resolution within herself.
DISCORDIAN: You've got to be kidding!!!!!
DRUID: Resolutions are made to arrive at the Truth, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about Making-New-Year's-Resolutions is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate sacrifices of list makers in the past, but that is over now...
ECLECTIC: Because it seems right to us at the time. We use some Egyptian-style paper and Celtic-sounding words for the Resolutions and incorporate some Native American elements into our Pen-names, like, Scribe-Who-Waffles-and-Runs-from-the-Wolves.
FAERY: In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the writers making their lists. Reconnecting with these "fey-scribblers" as they write is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.
FAMILY TRADITIONAL: Growing up, we didn't think much about "making resolutions." A list was a list. It was made because that was what worked to get the New Year started. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the list makers and less with all this "guardians of the New Year" business. We didn't get our concepts of "Lists" or "Resolutions for the New Year" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "write down" on paper what was listed to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming New Year's fireworks!), but that doesn't change the facts: there *were* real list makers, and they *really did* make resolutions!
KITCHEN WITCH: The writers make their lists to lose weight, get a job and move away from home because they have mothers like me who are > always testing new recipes on them!
LEFT-HAND PATH: Earnest, dedicated pagans resolving to improve themselves! Do you think that is *all* there is to writing lists? Do you *dare* to know the dark side of making resolutions and the *other* path to self- development?
NEW AGE: We make lists of resolutions because we chose this as one of our lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there is so much incense and bright, white paper to cover in the New Year.
NEWBIE: well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, we are supposed to make New Year's Resolutions, right?
POSTING ON AN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP: What do you mean why should we make New Year's Resolutions????!!!??? Haven't you read **any** of the previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote "all i wnted to know was why should we make a list of resolutions, im not looking for any Resolution spells" but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we *didn't* just read a book and think we were full-fledged list writers. (hew, feeling much better after ranting.)
SOLITAIRE: The list makers don't want to be part of a coven.
SHAMAN: Making a list is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Wise Women have long known this, but increasingly the Wise Guy's Movement is adding more men to the list making too.
SNERT: Hey, are you guys really making New Year's Resolutions? Can you give me a spell that will make me a list of resolutions?
WICCAN: The list maker makes a list because she feels like she is finally "coming home." She can do it alone or with others, but she has to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the New Year first ... uh, after casting the circle, of course.

YOU KNOW YOUR COVEN'S GETTING OLDER WHEN ...

The ritual feast is pureed.
Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5' of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.
You hold an all night blowout drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
You set comfy chairs around the circle.
When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
You do anointings with Aspercreme.
The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the fiber.
You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
You need a flashlight to find the candles
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