Today I got my head cut open. It's a surgical procedure on my ear. Hilda has informed me that I will be injected with a miraculous concoction known as "Joy Juice," after which I will be asked to answer embarrassing questions about my social life, then instructed to pin a syringe on a cardboard donkey. Add to all that the fact that I will be completely unaware of it all afterwards.
Paranoia, here I come.
Who knows what goes on in the OR while I'm out cold? Will I wake up with lipstick, blue eye shadow, and a tattoo on my forehead that reads "Bill and Alfredo Forever?" Will I be missing an arm because they switched my charts with another William G? There are a lot of those floating around these days. I believe there were two others at the hospital that same day. Or who knows? Could I awake to the sight of four green heads peering at my stomach and grinning evil smirks of joy as they warm up the Earthling probe?
Even worse, I could be on the drugs right now and not know it. I'm not supposed to remember anything. But how would I remember that I won't remember? Did they operate already? What's this bracelet on my wrist? There wasn't any bracelet! This must be some kind of conspiracy! I can't stand it! Why can't anyone just give me a simple straight answer!?
The nurse just told me that I should calm down, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to check my forehead.
9/21/02
Have you ever heard of social math? It's not a new idea. It's a process of combining your friends and calculating how much fun you will have in their presence.
Example: Helga=99.9% fun
Sven=90% fun
Helga+Sven=7% fun
In this example, two people together create less fun for whoever's doing the math. The reasons can be numerous. They could hate each other. They could adore each other and avoid you. In extreme situations, they could even cause a chemical reaction and spontaneously combust. Not much fun, huh?
Another example: Vladimir=95%
Proteus=95%
Vladimir+Proteus=300%
In this scenario, you know you'll have fun. It's guaranteed. These people are hilarious, and they never have any "problems." When their powers combine, you can be assured that you'll laugh your butt off.
So, do you understand the concept of social math? Ready to try it on your own? Good. Just remember the most important rule: Always try it on paper first.
9/24/02
"Do they make strap-on asses?" my friend Vladimir asked today.
"I don't know," I replied. "You mean, like, if your butt was shot off in Vietnam or something?"
"The situation doesn't matter, " he said. "I just wanna know if they make them."
"I'm sure a butt implant would be better."
"Like breast implants on your butt?"
"I think they'd call it a butt implant."
"No, breast implants on your butt. Your butt would have nipples!"
My friends are so weird.
9/25/02
I had a funny dream last night. None of this is made up. It went as follows:
Me, my friend Ablakhad, and TV star Kevin James (not a code name) were riding in a mini-van. It was driving itself. We were looking for UFO's, in broad daylight, while listening to "Smile" by Vitamin C. (Again, none of this is made up.) All of a sudden, Argyle, a teacher at my school, ran out into the street with his arms flailing.
"HEY! You guys want some chicken?!" he said. He then walked up to the window and handed me a box of KFC, filled with people-shaped chicken tenders. I gave one to Kevin and one to Ablakhad, then kept the rest for myself. The van stopped moving. I put a chicken tender in the empty driver's seat and the van started going again.
If there are any dream analyzers out there, I hope you have a field day with this one.
In other Bill news: I'm already regretting the construction of this site. Everyone is more obsessed with the darn code names than the content. I came up with the code names as a fun way to maintain anonymity, but it's being blown out of proportion. "I know who Proteus is!" "Who's Sven?" "Am I Vladimir?" "I know who I am, and I hate my name." Such lovely comments. How about some pertaining to THE SITE for a change?! I agree that figuring out someone's name is entertaining, but please don't ask me about it. That was the whole reason I created these aliases; to avoid problems, not make them.
9/26/02
Today in French class:
Bill: "Vladimir, say something stupid for my website."
Vladimir: "We should fill a chicken with sand and throw it at a bus full of orphans!"
Bill: "That works."
Vladimir: "No, wait! We should fill the chicken with orphans!"
Bill: "And throw it at a bus full of sand?"
Vladimir: "Yes!"
Bill: "How do you fit the orphans into the chicken?"
Vladimir: "Orphans tend to be very small."
Bill: "Like Annie?"
Vladimir: "Yes."
Bill: "And Oliver Twist?"
Vladimir: "Sure."
Bill: "And Gary Coleman?"
Vladimir: "Yeah!"
Bill: "Wait, is he an orphan?"
Vladimir: "I don't know, but he'd fit in the chicken."